Is There a Way to Resign From Mormonism and Not Have Parents Informed of Resignation?

[lostindc]

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

[strappinglad]

So , you are OK with misleading your loved ones from now on ? Just put it on social media and let the consequence follow. 

[Ahab]

19 minutes ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

If there was a way, and I knew it, I would not tell you because I do not want you to resign.  I think you probably just don't realize how many blessings you receive and will receive simply by wanting to remain a member of our Lord's church.

[Teancum]

26 minutes ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

I have never heard of this. When I was a bishop we did not do this. But that was a while ago now.

[Hamba Tuhan]

19 minutes ago, Teancum said:

I have never heard of this. When I was a bishop we did not do this. But that was a while ago now.

I served in a bishopric twice in the past decade and was released from the stake presidency this past December. Like you, I have never heard of this. I feel reasonably confident that no formal notification mechanism even exists, though I'm willing to consider the possibility that a spouse with whom a person shares children may be notified.

[JAHS]

Not sure how loved ones would find out unless they live with you or are in the same ward or stake and don't see your name in the ward directory anymore. 
Nobody tells anyone except maybe by gossip or other reasons where ward leaders might need to know you are no longer a member so they don't call you for anything.

[Calm]

29 minutes ago, strappinglad said:

So , you are OK with misleading your loved ones from now on ? Just put it on social media and let the consequence follow. 

I don't tell some of my family all my specific choices on how to approach medical issues, while they know the gist, because some like to give advice that is counterproductive and I am tired of that being our conversation.  If his family know the general direction of his beliefs, I don't see it as misleading by leaving out some of the details to avoid the sense of 'rubbing their nose in it'.  

My daughter asked us if she should resign because she has no personal belief in the Gospel.  I suggested for now she might not want to as there are negative associations with resigning currently (making a statement) such that some family members might get the wrong idea about what she is doing.  She sees the Church as having no authority over her while appreciating the efforts of members to be supportive of her and her family, so it is no big deal to her to stay on the books.

[bluebell]

39 minutes ago, Teancum said:

I have never heard of this. When I was a bishop we did not do this. But that was a while ago now.

Perhaps it's a case of someone attempting to resign who the church had on their roles but no address for, so family members were contacted in an attempt to locate their ward/bishop?  

[rpn]

Usually parents find out because there are loose lips, or your name disappears from their list of children (though I heard recently that the latter is not happening any more).  

I think you have to assume that your loved ones will find out, although I think it is unlikely to be so unless you all live in a small area and/or you have family friends relatives in clerk type roles who do not honor their obligations to keep what they have access to confidential.

It may also depend on how you do the resigning.

I too wonder why you can't simply tell them yourself and own it?

[Ahab]

1 hour ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

Imagine them thinking you are on your way to the Celestial region of heaven and then suddenly they find out you didn't make it because you had withdrawn from the Church.  If you have been sealed to them, as by then I would think you would be, they will pop over to where you are and then say something like: "Hey, this isn't the Celestial region of heaven.  What is going on? Are you just visiting here?"  What are you going to tell them then?  If you can't ever go to the  Celestial region of heaven, and they always have to come to wherever else you are, eventually they're going to get the idea that maybe you left the Church and lost all of the blessings you could have had.  So what are you planning to say to them then?

Edited January 28, 2020 by Ahab

[katherine the great]

41 minutes ago, rpn said:

Usually parents find out because there are loose lips, or your name disappears from their list of children 

Oh ouch! Yes it’s probably better to hear from the child themselves. The church has tried to contact me to get an updated address for one of my children who moved but I’m afraid to give it to them because if well-meaning ward members start bothering them I’m afraid he will just resign. 😢

[The Nehor]

The church does not directly tell anyone as a matter of policy. I have processed a few name removals.

As someone else has said they might disappear from parent's family section on their record but not necessarily. You can put children on the record even if they are not children of record in the same way you can record the name of a non-member spouse. Also, on membership records you can see the unit number your parents are assigned to so if that vanished someone with the appropriate access rights might notice.

13 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Oh ouch! Yes it’s probably better to hear from the child themselves. The church has tried to contact me to get an updated address for one of my children who moved but I’m afraid to give it to them because if well-meaning ward members start bothering them I’m afraid he will just resign. 😢

Unless that person is keeping a very low profile or is living on a property with someone else's name on it the Church probably knows. The lost sheep file is mostly gone. The church uses all kinds of search engines to find missing members. I use one as a clerk so if someone reports someone as "not there" I can often find them and send the record where it belongs.

1 hour ago, Hamba Tuhan said:

I served in a bishopric twice in the past decade and was released from the stake presidency this past December. Like you, I have never heard of this. I feel reasonably confident that no formal notification mechanism even exists, though I'm willing to consider the possibility that a spouse with whom a person shares children may be notified.

There is no direct notification but a spouse resigning would be obvious to a member viewing their own church records if they know what to look for.

[Tacenda]

1 hour ago, rpn said:

Usually parents find out because there are loose lips, or your name disappears from their list of children (though I heard recently that the latter is not happening any more).  

I think you have to assume that your loved ones will find out, although I think it is unlikely to be so unless you all live in a small area and/or you have family friends relatives in clerk type roles who do not honor their obligations to keep what they have access to confidential.

It may also depend on how you do the resigning.

I too wonder why you can't simply tell them yourself and own it?

I'll tell you why, so you won't break hearts, loved ones that believe you won't be with them in the hereafter. That's pretty lame in my book, that line of thinking that LDS have of the hereafter, the plan of salvation. To me it's the plan of holding you hostage, if you don't do all that the church says in order to live with your family. That's not a very loving church to me, threatening or teaching that if you don't make it to the temple and receive your endowments you won't be with your family. That is why people don't want their family to know. Or there's the possible chance that your parents will disinherit you and give it to the church. There are other reasons as well, gossip, maybe your parents or friends or ? tell someone and it gets around to your LDS boss? So there's that as well. This has happened to people, believe it or not. 

 

 

 

[Tacenda]

1 hour ago, Ahab said:

Imagine them thinking you are on your way to the Celestial region of heaven and then suddenly they find out you didn't make it because you had withdrawn from the Church.  If you have been sealed to them, as by then I would think you would be, they will pop over to where you are and then say something like: "Hey, this isn't the Celestial region of heaven.  What is going on? Are you just visiting here?"  What are you going to tell them then?  If you can't ever go to the  Celestial region of heaven, and they always have to come to wherever else you are, eventually they're going to get the idea that maybe you left the Church and lost all of the blessings you could have had.  So what are you planning to say to them then?

A person that resigns usually doesn't believe that there are kingdoms like that. In fact most non LDS believe they'll be with family when they die.

Edited January 28, 2020 by Tacenda

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

2 hours ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

As long as you don’t live with them, it can be your secret. But their is no resignation from “Mormonism”, as “Mormonism”, is not our Faith, or the Church. Now if you live in the same Ward or Stake, they will find out. 

[Tacenda]

6 hours ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.  Apparently, parents, ex-spouses, etc. are informed of a their loved one's resignation (currently reported by many on exmo reddit, facebook groups, and those within my region.  Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

My two sons recently resigned, I was a little sad about it. It felt so strange being their mother, and having had all these dreams for them to continue on in the LDS church and marry in the temple and all that. But those feelings are in the past. I'm only sharing the website because you asked, but I'm sure many on here know of this site. I do worry about their LDS friends and their aunts, uncles and their grandmother who is 90, how they'll take it. That's why I think it'd be wise for certain individuals to not resign, but like RPN said, it may be good to own it, unless you'll hurt some people terribly. Or, maybe I need to keep my mouth shut on this. 

My one son had to get his signature notarized, that is something new that the church requires.

ETA: if you've been on reddit, then you for sure have heard of quitmormon.

Edited January 28, 2020 by Nemesis

[lostindc]

3 hours ago, strappinglad said:

So , you are OK with misleading your loved ones from now on ? Just put it on social media and let the consequence follow. 

how am I misleading?

[lostindc]

2 hours ago, Ahab said:

Imagine them thinking you are on your way to the Celestial region of heaven and then suddenly they find out you didn't make it because you had withdrawn from the Church.  If you have been sealed to them, as by then I would think you would be, they will pop over to where you are and then say something like: "Hey, this isn't the Celestial region of heaven.  What is going on? Are you just visiting here?"  What are you going to tell them then?  If you can't ever go to the  Celestial region of heaven, and they always have to come to wherever else you are, eventually they're going to get the idea that maybe you left the Church and lost all of the blessings you could have had.  So what are you planning to say to them then?

Your intentions are good.  In my belief, if there's a god, then I believe God will know in God's heart if my intentions are good and I did the best with the information available to me and my ability to process this information.  I don't believe in a God that will separate families into kingdoms because one family member resigned for various reasons.

I 100% don't believe in Mormonism.  After 17 years of Mormon studies, and even apologetics, I can say that maybe six months of that time I loosely believed in the truth claims of the Church.  I stopped going to Church almost a decade ago.  I am leaving for my own subjective reasons.  I don't wish to hurt aging relatives, nor do I wish to exit with any sort of noise.  Unfortunately, my relatives believe like you, that God will separate us.  

[lostindc]

4 hours ago, Tacenda said:

 

My two sons recently resigned, I was a little sad about it. It felt so strange being their mother, and having had all these dreams for them to continue on in the LDS church and marry in the temple and all that. But those feelings are in the past. I'm only sharing the website because you asked, but I'm sure many on here know of this site. I do worry about their LDS friends and their aunts, uncles and their grandmother who is 90, how they'll take it. That's why I think it'd be wise for certain individuals to not resign, but like RPN said, it may be good to own it, unless you'll hurt some people terribly. Or, maybe I need to keep my mouth shut on this. 

My one son had to get his signature notarized, that is something new that the church requires.

ETA: if you've been on reddit, then you for sure have heard of quitmormon.

Sorry you had to go through that experience.  It's really tough because when we leave, many of us don't want others to hurt.  

I've heard of quitmormon.  The site also states that when we resign there's a high chance relatives receive contact about the resignation.  I am getting the same feedback on the local level here and then in facebook groups and reddit.

Edited January 28, 2020 by Nemesis

[Tacenda]

41 minutes ago, lostindc said:

Sorry you had to go through that experience.  It's really tough because when we leave, many of us don't want others to hurt.  

I've heard of quitmormon.  The site also states that when we resign there's a high chance relatives receive contact about the resignation.  I am getting the same feedback on the local level here and then in facebook groups and reddit.

I haven't resigned, but my sons did. But no one notified me of either of their resignations. I hope you figure out a plan. I have 4 siblings that are not active and have been for years, they don't seem to care to get their names off, doesn't matter to them at all. Funny how that works, but my son who went on a mission and was all in at one time, felt it necessary to resign, maybe because he was angry, I don't know. Maybe if he just didn't care, he'd just move on, but he hasn't. I guess giving up two years of your life, and his parents' money, maybe feels guilty, changes things.

[LoudmouthMormon]

4 hours ago, lostindc said:

I would like to quietly resign from Mormonism without putting loved ones through the process of dealing with this resignation.
...
Is there a way to quietly resign without leadership inflicting pain by announcing my resignation?

C'mon, lostindc.  Not telling people you love, tells us a lot about what you think of them.  But yeah, as long as you can keep the truth from them, then they don't have to deal with the pain of reality.  It's imperfect, because sometimes the truth shows up from other directions.   If you think it's a good idea to keep truth from loved ones, I guess you'll do it.  

This isn't really anything unique to leaving our faith, this is about your relationship with your loved ones.  I remember having misgivings about telling my dad I was going conservative.  I know someone who got baptized and the whole family agreed to never tell the Catholic great-grandma, because the news would kill her.  

 

[Avatar4321]

Go to church on Sunday and ask your bishop

[The Nehor]

39 minutes ago, Avatar4321 said:

Go to church on Sunday and ask your bishop

The Bishop will ask for written documentation. They are expected to scan a copy of the signed resignation letter to go with the digital request for removal. Once the Bishop or clerk enters it the Stake President reviews the request and, if the documentation is sound, approves it and it is done.

[Bernard Gui]

2 hours ago, lostindc said:

Sorry you had to go through that experience.  It's really tough because when we leave, many of us don't want others to hurt.  

I've heard of quitmormon.  The site also states that when we resign there's a high chance relatives receive contact about the resignation.  I am getting the same feedback on the local level here and then in facebook groups and reddit.

I have been in several bishoprics (including being a bishop) and served as membership clerk for over 5 years. There was no notification of anyone other than stake and SLC membership folks who looked after membership records. I have a son who left the Church. We did not receive any notification. 

Edited January 28, 2020 by Bernard Gui

[The Nehor]

4 hours ago, Ahab said:

Imagine them thinking you are on your way to the Celestial region of heaven and then suddenly they find out you didn't make it because you had withdrawn from the Church.  If you have been sealed to them, as by then I would think you would be, they will pop over to where you are and then say something like: "Hey, this isn't the Celestial region of heaven.  What is going on? Are you just visiting here?"  What are you going to tell them then?  If you can't ever go to the  Celestial region of heaven, and they always have to come to wherever else you are, eventually they're going to get the idea that maybe you left the Church and lost all of the blessings you could have had.  So what are you planning to say to them then?

Oh c'mon Ahab. Having your name on a membership record is a not a key of admission to celestial glory and the idea of confused celestial beings confused as to why someone did not make it is laughable.

If you are not living the covenant of baptism or any other covenants you have made it will probably be better at the Last Day to have cancelled them. I know some have the strange idea that removing your name will negatively impact your salvation but that is based on wishful thinking and a kind of legalistic "cross your fingers behind your back" because you are still on the records will get you into exaltation or even make things better then I know I for one am doing it all wrong. More generally people want families to stay on the records in the hopes that someone will reach out and help them back because their name is there. That sometimes does actually work.