Is There a Way to Resign From Mormonism and Not Have Parents Informed of Resignation?

[Amulek]

17 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

It really isn't quite that simple for many people.

It may not be easy, but it is fairly simple. 

 

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Maybe you are blessed with relationships that are very straight forward and uncomplicated but many families just don't operate that way. God gave us many different personality traits and everyone has to carve out their family relationships very strategically and that may occasionally require non disclosure.

I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here, but here is my general thought on the matter: If you cannot be honest with the people who you are closest to in life, then what you are essentially saying is, 'I don't trust you enough for me to be honest with you. I don't believe you can handle the truth.' 

Lying to these people holds you back from being able to form deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with them. That doesn't mean that you can't consider things like time, manner, etc. when deciding to talk to your loved ones, but you should talk to them. 

 

[Meadowchik]

38 minutes ago, Amulek said:

When I was a missionary we were not allowed to baptize investigators who had family living in certain Muslim dominated countries. Same if they ever planned on returning to said countries.

Why? Because doing so would put them (and potentially their relatives as well) in mortal danger. Not because the church was interested in avoiding hurt feelings.

 

Does a church missionary policy actually translate into how people should behave in their personal lives? On the other other hand, missionaries ARE expected to be respectful of the cultures they're in.

[Meadowchik]

11 minutes ago, Amulek said:

I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here, but here is my general thought on the matter: If you cannot be honest with the people who you are closest to in life, then what you are essentially saying is, 'I don't trust you enough for me to be honest with you. I don't believe you can handle the truth.' 

Lying to these people holds you back from being able to form deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with them. That doesn't mean that you can't consider things like time, manner, etc. when deciding to talk to your loved ones, but you should talk to them. 

 

That is a very generalistic point of view of relationships, which does not apply in many cases of members of the church. 

[CA Steve]

19 minutes ago, Amulek said:

I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here, but here is my general thought on the matter: If you cannot be honest with the people who you are closest to in life, then what you are essentially saying is, 'I don't trust you enough for me to be honest with you. I don't believe you can handle the truth.' 

Lying to these people holds you back from being able to form deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with them. That doesn't mean that you can't consider things like time, manner, etc. when deciding to talk to your loved ones, but you should talk to them. 

Is holding back information from someone the same thing as lying to them?

[Teancum]

19 hours ago, Ahab said:

Imagine them thinking you are on your way to the Celestial region of heaven and then suddenly they find out you didn't make it because you had withdrawn from the Church.  If you have been sealed to them, as by then I would think you would be, they will pop over to where you are and then say something like: "Hey, this isn't the Celestial region of heaven.  What is going on? Are you just visiting here?"  What are you going to tell them then?  If you can't ever go to the  Celestial region of heaven, and they always have to come to wherever else you are, eventually they're going to get the idea that maybe you left the Church and lost all of the blessings you could have had.  So what are you planning to say to them then?

Really? 🤔

[Teancum]

3 hours ago, Ahab said:

Interesting, isn't it.  They don't believe it but it's going to happen anyway even if they don't believe it will happen.  Basically we're just trying to make it easier for everyone to let us know they want to stay connected to their family members and to make it easier to find them.

Nah. Not likely.

[katherine the great]

1 hour ago, Amulek said:

Lying to these people holds you back from being able to form deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with them.

Many people don't WANT deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with others-they want to believe what they want to believe. Especially if they are old, many want peace and to live the rest of their lives in a reality that brings them happiness. And the children who love them don't want to hurt them.

[The Nehor]

4 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Many people don't WANT deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with others-they want to believe what they want to believe. Especially if they are old, many want peace and to live the rest of their lives in a reality that brings them happiness. And the children who love them don't want to hurt them.

I doubt any of those people are going to be exalted so it should work out fine in the end.

[Ahab]

1 hour ago, CA Steve said:

Is holding back information from someone the same thing as lying to them?

No, otherwise everyone who isn't telling everyone everything they know, spouting out information all of the time about everything they think and believe like some kind of information dispensing machine, is lying to other people.

I notice you're not telling me everything you know. now.  Do you think you're lying to me?

[Meadowchik]

6 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Many people don't WANT deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with others-they want to believe what they want to believe. Especially if they are old, many want peace and to live the rest of their lives in a reality that brings them happiness. And the children who love them don't want to hurt them.

Yes. I love my parents deeply and I believe many of their core LDS values are still very much a part of my identity, but I don't believe they want to hear about my spiritual changes inasmuch as they depart from Mormonism. We stick to other things, and although I do feel sad about that sometimes because I wish I could share more with them, I respect their boundaries. 

[Amulek]

1 hour ago, Meadowchik said:

That is a very generalistic point of view of relationships, which does not apply in many cases of members of the church.

I think the general principle applies to all relationships. There's nothing special about being a member of the church that causes relationships to work differently.

If you willfully, intentionally withhold your authentic self from someone, then it is simply not going to be possible for you to ever have a truly deep, authentic relationship with that person. 

Which, of course, is perfectly fine if you're talking about casual relationships like those you have with acquaintances and co-workers.

But it won't work for your closest loved ones. Sorry, but that's just how relationships work.

 

[katherine the great]

1 minute ago, Amulek said:

If you willfully, intentionally withhold your authentic self from someone, then it is simply not going to be possible for you to ever have a truly deep, authentic relationship with that person. 

I think Savage Garden wrote a song about that.

 

[katherine the great]

6 minutes ago, The Nehor said:

I doubt any of those people are going to be exalted so it should work out fine in the end.

Oh please...

[Ahab]

4 minutes ago, Meadowchik said:

Yes. I love my parents deeply and I believe many of their core LDS values are still very much a part of my identity, but I don't believe they want to hear about my spiritual changes inasmuch as they depart from Mormonism. We stick to other things, and although I do feel sad about that sometimes because I wish I could share more with them, I respect their boundaries. 

I just want to let you know that I agree with you on this point.  Sometimes it is best to just not say things that will upset someone who has a different opinion and is already aware that you have a different opinion.  I held my tongue on a lot of issues with my Dad while he was still alive, things that pertained to my religion that he did not agree with.  He was aware that I joined the Church when I did but I didn't try to share much with him about it because he told me he really didn't want to hear it.  If I had left the Church to go back to his church I'm sure he would have wanted to know about that, though.  But we didn't talk much about my religion and I didn't make much of an effort to try to, as much as I would have enjoyed sharing more about me and my beliefs with him.

[Teancum]

2 hours ago, Ahab said:

I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure that what I said is true.  I'm not totally sure, yet, but I do have a fairly strong level of faith that what I said and the idea it is based on is true and good.  

I have a process I follow to learn from God through revelation, and this is just some of what comes from that.  Might be funny to you but this is stuff I take seriously.

Yes and so do many Scientologists take their wild beliefs seriously. Does not make them true though.

[Meadowchik]

7 minutes ago, Amulek said:

I think the general principle applies to all relationships. There's nothing special about being a member of the church that causes relationships to work differently.

If you willfully, intentionally withhold your authentic self from someone, then it is simply not going to be possible for you to ever have a truly deep, authentic relationship with that person. 

Which, of course, is perfectly fine if you're talking about casual relationships like those you have with acquaintances and co-workers.

But it won't work for your closest loved ones. Sorry, but that's just how relationships work.

 

You are still generalising about relationships. Not everyone is capable of having the same level of intimacy in a relationship. If my family member does not want me to talk about my spiritual journey or my political beliefs to them, I won't. That they establish that boundary is their choice, that I respect it is my choice to have the best relationship with them possible while still respecting them.

Relationships are not one-dimensional, they require mutual cooperation. A healthy relationship cannot be based on only one person's ideal.

[The Nehor]

4 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Oh please...

I am serious. You have some people believing ignorance is bliss and distance from family members is good as long as it prevents pain and the others rejecting the gospel more overtly.

[Ahab]

1 minute ago, Teancum said:

Yes and so do many Scientologists take their wild beliefs seriously. Does not make them true though.

It's a universal principle, I believe.  Having any belief, in and of itself, does not make that belief true.  It applies to my beliefs as well as to yours and everybody else's beliefs. I still believe we should try to get God's assurance that something is true before we believe it, though.

[Meadowchik]

7 minutes ago, Ahab said:

I just want to let you know that I agree with you on this point.  Sometimes it is best to just not say things that will upset someone who has a different opinion and is already aware that you have a different opinion.  I held my tongue on a lot of issues with my Dad while he was still alive, things that pertained to my religion that he did not agree with.  He was aware that I joined the Church when I did but I didn't try to share much with him about it because he told me he really didn't want to hear it.  If I had left the Church to go back to his church I'm sure he would have wanted to know about that, though.  But we didn't talk much about my religion and I didn't make much of an effort to try to, as much as I would have enjoyed sharing more about me and my beliefs with him.

Thanks for sharing.

My parents, for example, despite their limits are very strong people. It's just that they have to be strong about many, many things. They've already overcome abusive childhoods, major depression, raising tons of children, and are still helping to care for children and grandchildren while in their seventies, still worrying about their finances. Intimacy about uncomfortable subjects requires emotional energy which is in finite supply. I'm already thrilled that they keep updated on us (the ones who live furthest away) and maintain regular contact with phonecalls and cards. 

[Amulek]

1 hour ago, CA Steve said:

Is holding back information from someone the same thing as lying to them?

It can be. 

If you are purposefully holding back information about a change which has taken place (e.g., one's membership in the church) with the intent of deceiving someone into thinking that no change has taken place, then that sounds an awful lot like lying in my book. 

 

[Ahab]

3 minutes ago, Meadowchik said:

Thanks for sharing.

My parents, for example, despite their limits are very strong people. It's just that they have to be strong about many, many things. They've already overcome abusive childhoods, major depression, raising tons of children, and are still helping to care for children and grandchildren while in their seventies, still worrying about their finances. Intimacy about uncomfortable subjects requires emotional energy which is in finite supply. I'm already thrilled that they keep updated on us (the ones who live furthest away) and maintain regular contact with phonecalls and cards. 

If I were you I might want to ask if they would be interested in talking with you about religion, generally, or yours specifically, just so you're not the one who is putting a damper on that while they might actually want to talk with you about those things. 

Since they're in their seventies they're not going to be around much longer so you might just want to check to see what they might want to say about things like that with you.  I am content knowing I tried with my Dad, at first, until he told me he didn't want to hear any more.

[Meadowchik]

4 minutes ago, Amulek said:

It can be. 

If you are purposefully holding back information about a change which has taken place (e.g., one's membership in the church) with the intent of deceiving someone into thinking that no change has taken place, then that sounds an awful lot like lying in my book. 

 

Doesn't it depend on whether it is their business or not? Is it lying to have a vasectomy but not tell your wife and pretend to try to have children? Yes, I think so. But is it lying to have a vasectomy and not tell your grandmother? I don't think so. It's not her business, and even if you know she'd want to know and care that you had a vasectomy, you are not obligated to tell her.

I guess then the question, then, is your recorded status in the church record someone else's business?

[katherine the great]

7 minutes ago, The Nehor said:

I am serious. You have some people believing ignorance is bliss and distance from family members is good as long as it prevents pain and the others rejecting the gospel more overtly.

I know you're serious! That's why I said "Oh please...". God created us as "human" with a variety of personalities including the personality that avoids conflict. I don't see God withholding eternal blessings from them for being unwilling to enter into conflict when they are old and tired. You can believe whatever you want but I don't see it that way at all just as I don't see God withholding eternal blessings from Isaac for favoring the macho, worldly son.

[3DOP]

42 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Many people don't WANT deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with others-they want to believe what they want to believe. Especially if they are old, many want peace and to live the rest of their lives in a reality that brings them happiness. And the children who love them don't want to hurt them.

I appreciate your emphasis.

When my wife and I became Catholic in 1995, my wife's mother was very ill. I think she would not live to see 1997. My wife and I met at a Baptist college that was fervently anti-Catholic, as were all four of our parents. There was no authenticity or deeper relationship to be gained by breaking my wife's mother's heart by telling her we had decided to go to hell (from her point of view). I can understand withholding information. We never lied. Love does not reveal everything to everybody. Does God want to be intimate with us? Yes, of course. Does He withhold information? Yes! It IS more complicated than just spilling the beans about everything or else we aren't being authentic.

That said...Why does someone who hasn't been inside the church for a decade feel obliged to make some formal statement of resignation? It must be something about LDS culture. When we left the Baptists it was because we did not believe in it anymore. They had no hold upon us. It isn't like we are still Baptists because we never made some written, formal renunciation. If I became disenchanted with being Catholic, and wanted to become LDS because I believe in Salt Lake Restorationism, I wouldn't have any personal need to contact anybody that is Catholic. Nobody that is Catholic would expect such a party to contact the "proper channels". You just stop going to church. That is how you "resign" everywhere else. If I were the original poster, and was concerned for my parents, I would never lie, but I sure would not make some formal declaration that the parents would necessarily discover. 

To the original poster...no disrespect...I think our situations are similar in some important ways. I would really consider the idea of not making any formal declaration that would get back to your loved ones. If it comes out otherwise, so be it. Only if you think it would benefit your loved ones to know your decisions, should you take the initiative to inform them. Others have already spoken about authenticity. Never lie, but don't feel obliged to tell everything to anybody unless you are pressed in to a corner.

By the way, we had to tell my wife's dad after he lost his wife. We could not hide it. It troubled him until dementia set in. We told my parents. They were younger and less set. Still, they were disturbed for a time. Ten years after us, they converted to the Catholic faith. There are so many nuances to consider. How old are your parents? How would it help them to find out you are not LDS? What do you offer instead of being LDS? Answers to these and other questions can lead to withholding or giving more or less information.  

Edited January 28, 2020 by 3DOP

[Amulek]

56 minutes ago, katherine the great said:

Many people don't WANT deep, meaningful, authentic relationships with others-they want to believe what they want to believe. Especially if they are old, many want peace and to live the rest of their lives in a reality that brings them happiness. And the children who love them don't want to hurt them.

If your parents are so old that they can neither process or cope with their children's choices with respect to the church, then why deceive them into thinking you are still a member? Why not just stay on the roles until they pass away and then have your name removed?