Arraign Women Call For Action

[Bernard Gui]

Chief Lamoni News Service

Dateline Salt Lake City

1 September 2015

Prucella Pratt Young-Greevence, President of the dissident Mormon feminist group Arraign Women and great-great-great-great grandaughter of Brigham Young, released a statement yesterday demanding Church leaders allow women to play on all-male ward basketball teams.The statement was timed to coincide with the opening of the annual church basketball season in Hurricane, Utah.

Citing a ground-breaking study by Mormon historian Phil Buggley, Young-Greevence called on Church leaders to acknowledge the role of women in 19th-century manly Mormon sports such as stick pulling, marble shooting, hoop trumbling, and mumblypeg. "It's time for the Brethren to own up to the truth," she exclaimed. Indeed, "Mormon leaders have traditionally limited these activities to men, but the evidence clearly shows several women and girls actually competed with men in these events at a ward picnic in Hurricane in 1887," Buggley wrote. (1)

Historians disagree over the extent of their participation, but Buggley has unearthed several daguerreotypes of what appear to be Mormon pioneer girls holding clearies and pocket knives in the presence of Mormon deacons. "The Church can no longer deny this. The pictures prove women participated in these games," Buggley told this reporter. BYU religion instructor Brashley Foggelstone has contradicted Buggley. "It's obvious the girls were only holding the objects for the boys. Anyway, those might be cat's eyes, not clearies. Real men did not play with cat's eyes." "That's nonsense," Buggley replied.

To honor the memory of their pioneer sisters, Arraign Women plan to surround the Hurricane First Ward chapel with women brandishing sticks, hula hoops (you know...for kids), steelies, and butterknives, and engage in random competitive matches. Some may even dare to challenge each other in the much more masculine game of splits. "Of course, Mormon men no longer play these sports, but they do play basketball, and that's where we are headed. We demand our rights to play along side them. We can get in their faces literally and figuratively. Church basketball will no longer be the domain of Mormon men!" declared Ima B. Pushey, local Hurricane AW events co-ordinator.

Hurricane First Ward Bishop Dorsal Armbend said Arraign Women will be welcomed to the opening game, but they may participate only in their traditional role as cheer leaders. "They will not actually touch a ball or stand inside the lines," he said. "We don't feel it's right to expose them to the rough and tumble style of play our men are accustomed to. Why, just last year [stake] President B. Orson Frugal cancelled the season when a fight broke out between a bishop and two elders quorum presidents. Our sisters are too refined and genteel for that. Besides, they have their own quilting bees in Relief Society and Young Women," Bishop Armbend clarified.

In a news conference, Young-Greevence and Pushey called on AW sisters all over the world to join in solidarity with the demonstration by wearing basketball jerseys to church. Men are invited to wear mauve ties to show their support. Organizers expect crowds of at least six women to show up at the event.

"Let 'em come," challenged Hurricane Sheriff J. Oscar Whiskers . "We'll show them how we Arraign Women here in Hurricane!"

(1) Phil Buggley, "Sisters in Knickers: The Little-Known Involvement of Mormon Women in 19th-Century Male Amusements," p.1435. Moonshine Institute, 2015.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Bernard Gui

[why me]

I must say that it seems that some lds women are just a little immature. The world is falling apart and some mormon women are doing such protests. It is getting just a little crazy out there. If this is the depth of mormon intellectualism, I have to say that all is lost in the lds church. However, the bishop showed signs of intellectual immaturity also. What to do with a church with such members as these women and bishop?

Edited August 31, 2015 by why me

[Bobbieaware]

I must say that it seems that some lds women are just a little immature. The world is falling apart and some mormon women are doing such protests. It is getting just a little crazy out there. If this is the depth of mormon intellectualism, I have to say that all is lost in the lds church. However, the bishop showed signs of intellectual immaturity also. What to do with a church with such members as these women and bishop?

Satire.

[busybee]

Chief Lamoni News Service

Dateline Salt Lake City

1 September 2015

Prucella Pratt Young-Greevence, President of the dissident Mormon feminist group Arraign Women and great-great-great-great grandaughter of Brigham Young, released a statement yesterday demanding Church leaders allow women to play on all-male ward basketball teams.The statement was timed to coincide with the opening of the annual church basketball season in Hurricane, Utah.

Citing a ground-breaking study by Mormon historian Phil Buggley, Young-Greevence called on Church leaders to acknowledge the role of women in 19th-century manly Mormon sports such as stick pulling, marble shooting, hoop trumbling, and mumblypeg. "It's time for the Brethren to own up to the truth," she exclaimed. "Mormon leaders have traditionally limited these activities to men, but the evidence clearly shows several women and girls actually competed with men in these events at a ward picnic in Hurricane in 1887," Buggley wrote. (1)

Historians disagree over the extent of their participation, but Buggley has unearthed several daguerreotypes of what appear to be Mormon pioneer girls holding clearies and pocket knives in the presence of Mormon deacons. "The Church can no longer deny this. The pictures prove women participated in these games," Buggley told this reporter. BYU religion instructor Brashley Foggelstone has contradicted Buggley. "It's obvious the girls were only holding the objects for the boys. Anyway, those might be cat's eyes, not clearies. Real men did not play with cat's eyes." "That's nonsense," Buggley replied.

In memory of their pioneer sisters, Arraign Women plan to surround the Hurricane First Ward chapel with women brandishing sticks, hula hoops (you know...for kids),steelies, and butterknives, and engage in random competitive matches. Some may even dare to challenge each other in the much more masculine game of splits. "Of course, real men no longer play these sports, but they do play basketball, and that's where we are headed. We demand our rights to play along side them. We can get in their faces literally and figuratively. Church basketball will no longer be the domain of Mormon men!" declared Ima B. Pushey, local Hurricane AW events co-ordinator.

Hurricane First Ward Bishop Dorsal Armbend said Arraign Women will be welcomed to the opening game, but may participate only in their traditional role as cheer leaders. "But they will not actually touch a ball or stand inside the lines. We don't feel it's right to expose them to the rough and tumble style of play our men are accustomed to. Why, just last year [stake] President B. Orson Frugal cancelled the season when a fight broke out between a bishop and two elders quorum presidents. Our sisters are too refined and genteel for that. Besides, they have their own quilting bees in Relief Society and Young Women," Bishop Armbend clarified.

In a news conference, Young-Greevence and Pushey called on AW sisters all over the world to join in solidarity with the demonstration by wearing basketball jerseys to church. Men are invited to wear mauve ties to show their support. Organizers expect crowds of at least six women to show up at the event.

"Let 'em come," Hurricane Sheriff Oscar Whiskers said. "We'll show them how we Arraign Women here in Hurricane!"

(1) Phil Buggley, "Sisters in Knickers: The Little-Known Involvement of Mormon Women in 19th-Century Male Amusements," p.1435. Moonshine Institute, 2015.

I say let them.   And they'd better not whine when they get pushed and shoved into next week. These women obviously haven't got enough to do. Form your own teams for crying out loud!!!  This kind of crap from women makes me want to smack them. Grow up!!!

 

Edited to add: If this is satire, you got me good.   And it just goes to show, this scenario is not beyond the bounds of imagination!!

Edited August 31, 2015 by busybee

[why me]

Satire.

However, it doesn't say much for mormon women if it is believed. And that is the point.

[Kenngo1969]

Since I Googled the "Chief Lamoni News Service" and this is the only hit, I gather this is your own creation, Hermano?  If so, I have to say, Clever; very clever.  And well done.

[strappinglad]

It really hurts when you bite that hard, eh ?

[Avatar4321]

Come on. It was obviously satire.

[ttribe]

However, it doesn't say much for mormon women if it is believed. And that is the point.

 

Near as I can tell, you're the only one who believed this.  I'm guessing that says more about you than "mormon (sic) women."

[Bernard Gui]

I say let them. And they'd better not whine when they get pushed and shoved into next week. These women obviously haven't got enough to do. Form your own teams for crying out loud!!! This kind of crap from women makes me want to smack them. Grow up!!!

Edited to add: If this is satire, you got me good. And it just goes to show, this scenario is not beyond the bounds of imagination!!

Yah, I gotcha good. I was thinking the names would give it away. No harm intended...

Edited August 31, 2015 by Bernard Gui

[Bernard Gui]

I must say that it seems that some lds women are just a little immature. The world is falling apart and some mormon women are doing such protests. It is getting just a little crazy out there. If this is the depth of mormon intellectualism, I have to say that all is lost in the lds church. However, the bishop showed signs of intellectual immaturity also. What to do with a church with such members as these women and bishop?

Some say this article is a good example of Mormon un-intellectualism.

[Bernard Gui]

Since I Googled the "Chief Lamoni News Service" and this is the only hit, I gather this is your own creation, Hermano?  If so, I have to say, Clever; very clever.  And well done.

Muchas gracias, amigo.

[mnn727]

Near as I can tell, you're the only one who believed this.  I'm guessing that says more about you than "mormon (sic) women."

He's not the only one who believed. 

The article is believable from what we have read of Utah Mormons.

 

I have also seen cancelled Basketball seasons because of excessive fighting-- thats the Truth.

[Bernard Gui]

He's not the only one who believed. 

The article is believable from what we have read of Utah Mormons.

 

I have also seen cancelled Basketball seasons because of excessive fighting-- thats the Truth.

There are some some elements of truth mingled with tongue in cheek.

[ttribe]

He's not the only one who believed. 

The article is believable from what we have read of Utah Mormons.

 

I have also seen cancelled Basketball seasons because of excessive fighting-- thats the Truth.

 

Church hoops nonsense aside, you agree with whyme that believing this satire is an inherent indictment of "mormon (sic) women?"

[MorningStar]

Now I just need to start a Go Fund Me page so I can attend!

[Scott Lloyd]

Like all good satire, Bernard's piece uses humor, hyperbole and fiction to tell truth. Well done.

[toujours]

This is really great Bernard  

[ALarson]

Near as I can tell, you're the only one who believed this.  I'm guessing that says more about you than "mormon (sic) women."

Well, the date on the article is wrong if it was published today.  That was the first clue.

[Calm]

Since I Googled the "Chief Lamoni News Service" and this is the only hit, I gather this is your own creation, Hermano?  If so, I have to say, Clever; very clever.  And well done.

He had the best satires on ZLMB. It was this ongoing series.

I can't even remember the name now. It has been too long.

[Bernard Gui]

He had the best satires on ZLMB. It was this ongoing series.

I can't even remember the name now. It has been too long.

S. Heber Young, the anti-antimormon who paraded around Evangelical Passion plays in his boxers. Edited September 1, 2015 by Bernard Gui

[Bernard Gui]

Now I just need to start a Go Fund Me page so I can attend!

You should get moving....there are only three motel rooms in Hurricane, and the AW organizers have already reserved two of them.

[Bernard Gui]

Like all good satire, Bernard's piece uses humor, hyperbole and fiction to tell truth. Well done.

I also like to use rumor, hypertension, and friction. Hope you enjoyed it.

[Bernard Gui]

This is really great Bernard

It's easy when there's good material available. Thanks!

[Bernard Gui]

Sometimes we get so bogged down with serious stuff that we miss the humor in people and events?

Edited September 1, 2015 by Bernard Gui