Danzo

Really sorry to hear that.

Sorry for the delay in my response, I've been busy, and my comments were being taken in a way that I felt was unproductive. I am not in any way offended by the the Idea that you or anyone else thinks I am a possible rapist, you have to live in the world as you know it and I understand why many feel the need for caution. I just wanted to throw in a few thoughts on how the worldview of "every man is a possible rapist" might not be the best world view, and there might be better world views out there. The idea that "every man is a possible rapist" isn't necessary a wrong idea (anyone is pretty much possibly anything). It is that the worldview itself might not be the best one to have or promote. In expressing the reasons for these thoughts, I am only trying to offer different points of view, not attack anyone, or accuse them of being immoral, irrational or anything negative. Unfortunately, my thoughts seemed to have put a label on my of being on an opposition team, and my own possible motive and character seem to be more important to people than my thoughts. Due to the charged nature of this discussion, I don't think it is very likely that this is the proper forum for offering these thoughts, any further discussion seems likely to fuel contention and bad feelings. There is much to fear in this world and I applaud your efforts and desires for personal safety, and I hope your fears always prove unfounded.

In my experience people are treated a lot differently when they are considered a potential sexual predator. There are people that I have know that I thought were potential sexual predators and I treated them a lot different than I treated other men and women. These behaviors included me calling the police, threatening them and keeping a very watchful eye on them. Our children were not allowed to visit or go near them, and even, in church assigning people to keep an eye on them and telling one brother in the church that he was uninvited to ever come to church again. I don't treat all people that way

It doesn't seem you are that interested in engaging, so you live your life and I'll live mine. Hope you have a nice day.

Men should be judged by their behaviors, not by the fact they are men. If they are acting like a sexual predator, then they deserve to called sexual predators, however they shouldn't be called a predator when they are minding their own business. Judge people by what they do, not what they are. How about we just agree that I won't call you a predator and you wont call me a predator unless you or I do something to deserve the label.

"all men are potential rapists" is a blanket statement. Personal safety is highly situational, humans just don't have the capacity to be hyper vigilant at all times. They must pick and choose, by their circumstances when to be cautious. Even the examples you give are highly distorted, you view public places as dangerous, when the vast, overwhelming majority of rapes occur in the home. You say that for some, the home is a high risk area, and there's the rub, its always situational. If one views all men as predators and potential rapist's, then one has the danger of interpreting all actions of men through that lens. Was I being clumsy in that crowded room or was It assault?, was that smile friendly? or was it something else? Sexual assault is always about intent and often depends on the context. When I was a Firefighter EMT, I did a lot of touching that in other circumstances would be called sexual assault. When I was a young father, changing a diaper involved a whole lot more touching than sexual assault. Due to the "all men are potential rapists" trope, as a man I hesitate to help mothers with their children. My boys can't gain childcare experience by being babysitters (like I did when I was a youth). I have often been on crowed busses where there is now choice but to be in everybody else's personal space, and the only real way to avoid touching people is to put your hand in your pockets (which is a good way to make sure you fall into someone's lap when the bus takes a sharp corner). A few months ago our neighbor, who was a young mother, that I didn't know, came to my house and was panicking when her toddler had a fever when her husband was away (my wife was out of town). I was able to help calm her toddler down by picking him up and singing to him while the medicine was taking effect. Everything worked out and the mother was grateful, but because the "every man is a rapist" mentality, I was a bit apprehensive to help. This mothers need seemed to be more important than my apprehension at the time and the help I gave was appreciated. If the mother had the "every man is a rapist" mentality, she might not have had the courage to seek assistance when she needed it.

I think you just listed some of the behaviors

In a strict logical sense, every man, woman and child is a potential rapist, just like every man woman and child is a potential president of the United States, Every man woman and child is a potential Nobel laureate, Olympic gold medalist or mass murderer. However, we shouldn't treat every man woman or child as a potential rapist unless they initiate some action indicating they are such. Accusing someone of being a rapist is a terrible accusation, and should not be treated lightly. the vast majority of the men in this world will have neither the opportunity, the ability or the desire to rape someone. Only an extremely small percent of all men have the desire to rape someone, an even smaller percent of those men have the opportunity and ability to rape you.

As I mentioned, Risk is not a binary Risk/No Risk situation. Risk will never go to zero but it can be reduced. Sexual assault (like all crime) comes down to the confluence of three things 1. Opportunity 2. Ability 3. Desire If you take one of those three things away, there will be no assault. 1. Opportunity: this is probably the easiest factor to control. Most men will never have the opportunity to sexually assault someone because they will never encounter them. Almost all sexual assault occurs in a private location so staying in a public location can greatly reduce risk. Also being in groups can decrease opportunity. Avoiding bars, nightclubs, intoxicated people as well as extremely large crowds (sometime too many people around can get someone the protection of anonymity. Avoiding Strangers isn't enough, most assault happens between people who are acquainted, so avoiding being alone with someone else is always advisable. Also, it is important not only to be aware of your surroundings, but to look like one is aware of their surroundings, Head down, ear buds, looking at phone can cause someone to look vulnerable, which can invite trouble. 2. Ability: there isn't much one can do to affect the ability of someone to cause harm, but if someone looks like they can cause trouble for an assailant, often the assailant will look for someone else. There is some overlap with no 1. Having friends around that can cause trouble can often deter attack. Since much sexual violence occurs between people who are acquainted, knowing your rights, knowing police, lawyers and the "System" as well as making it known that you know this can deter. I have known many people who get trapped in bad situations, get taken advantage of because the perp knows the victim doesn't know how to get out of their situation. Just a year ago, I was able to help someone get out of an abusive financial situation when I helped this person understand how the banking system works, fraud protection, property rights, legal rights, etc. The perp has since moved on. 3. Desire. This one is the very hard. It is difficult know what makes someone desire to assault someone else. Often the victim has no control over this factor. Being aware of how one communicates is important. Although, one might think that drawing attention to oneself creates desire, often the opposite is true. Perps are often looking for the person who is withdrawn, not paying attention and easily separated from friends. One thing I mention often is avoiding people who can't take no for an answer(on any subject, not just sex). These, I believe are the most dangerous. These are people who don't respect the autonomy of others and are the quickest to violate boundaries. Just some thoughts, risk will never go to zero and one can do everything right and still get in trouble.

It's usually by their behavior.

"all men are potential Rapists" seems to be a philosophy that is prevalent here on the board, but represents a minority view of the women I know, Even the ones I know that have been sexually assaulted in the past. They don't view "all" men as potential rapists, although they definitely view some men as potential rapists. The important thing is to education people on predatory behavior, and how to recognize it. The things me and my wife discussed with my daughter include Recognizing red flags in a relationship. Be extremely wary of a friend (male or female) that won't take no for an answer. I always asked my daughters this when they were starting a relationship, they needed to say no to them a least once initially to test them out. If they keep trying to talk you into doing something you don't want to do, even if they do it in a charming way, watch out. Avoid being alone with someone. Aways keep the door open, have friends around and spend time in a public places. If one feels threatened, retreat to a public place where people are around. If you think you are being followed, make a U-turn or cross the street and walk the other way. It makes it more obvious that they are following you. Retreat to a public place. Assault is much, much, much more likely to come from someone you are friends with, or related to, than the rando on the street. Avoid hanging out with intoxicated people in places where predators are actively look for prey (bars, and clubs, and concerts for example). Follow the Spirit. "All men are potential rapists" focuses attention on the wrong people, in my opinion. I can cause people to wary those that are of little threat and ignore people who pose an actual risk. Everyone is at risk of being targeted by a predator, there is no binary at risk/not at risk for anyone. Risk is a matter of degree. One cannot eliminate all risk but there things that can increase risk and things that can reduce risk. This is a delicate topic on this message board. Saying that one can increase or decrease risk is not, in any way blaming the victim. When I was in the fire department many years ago, we talked about safe driving all the time to people, before a traffic incident, we never talked about safe driving at the scene of the accident. There is a time to talk about safety and there is a time to give treatment to those injured. Talking about safety can save pain and suffering, but usually makes people worse if discussed after an incident has happened and injuries are fresh. There are times when nothing the victim could have done would have avoided the accident. Even though that is often the case, talking about safety is still important. If you want my further ideas on the subject, let me know, but if you think this board isn't the place to talk about safety without seeming to blame the victim, I will leave the topic alone.

I currently serve on a city council, a couple of years ago, one of the city councilors was accused of inappropriately touching a city worker. The alleged touching occurred only once in a public place surrounded by other people. No one around them noticed anything and the incident wasn't reported for until a few weeks after the alleged occurrence. The alleged incident occurred when the city councilor was hugging the city worker (both admitted that it was common to greet each other by hugging each other). The councilor was charged with misdemeanor sexual assault, the result was a hung jury and the DA declined the opportunity for a new trial. I wasn't present during the alleged incident, so I have no idea what really happened, as a city councilor, I was privy to the police reports, internal investigation, etc. From my point of view it all boiled down to he said/she said and perhaps the intention of the touching that did happen. Due to the alleged incident, the councilor is no longer on the council. About a month ago, I was in a meeting and that particular worker was assigned to sit next to me and I was a bit scared. I don't think I behaved outwardly different than I would have with any other employee, but I definitely had a heightened awareness about what I was doing at all times. I couldn't take the risk that any accidental clumsiness on my part could be misinterpreted. I was sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time, the edge that was furthest away from her. I consciously kept my arms folded and on the table in view whole meeting. I wonder if she was feeling the same thing about me sitting next to her. Was she as frightened of me as I was of her? Was there anything I could do to put her at ease? Was there anything she could do to put me at ease? Probably we will never know.

Someone with a bee sting allergy is at heighten risk, This person probably should carry an epi pen, and perhaps avoid flowers in the spring, as well as probably avoiding the local bee keepers. Once they have taken these precautionary steps, it is probably better for them to stop imaging that every insect they see is a bee. It would be bad if their fears of bees kept them up at night, or prevented them from going out in the world. Bees are small, they could be anywhere and in theory, one could be justified in thinking that bees are hiding everywhere, after they could be under the desk, but rarely are. They should also recognize that their condition is unique to them, they should not be asking their friends and family to avoid bees, bee keeping and other activities, as well as recognize that bees are an important part of agriculture and are a great benefit, as well as recognize bees are mostly harmless to most people. (my grandfather kept bees). They shouldn't project their condition to other that don't have their condition.

I am sorry that the post was taken that way. Unfortunately, Mental health is more complicated than rational/irrational. It is interesting that brushing teeth, washing hands, covering mouth when coughing or sneezing, is seen as normal hygiene, while mental hygiene, like avoiding rumination, avoidance behavior, and negative thoughts can seen as something irrational. Practicing physical hygiene doesn't mean one is sick, practicing good mental hygiene doesn't mean one is mentally ill. Both are helpful in preventing illness.

There can be a limit to how much someone can prepare for things, at a certain point it becomes avoidance behavior, In the sense of anxiety disorders when people think that obsessing over something over and over somehow prevents the thing they are worrying about from happening. Anyway, I think I hit a nerve with my comments, further engagement probably won't be productive.