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Over this last week I've been battling some self doubt on what I can consider a major issue in my life. My wife and I have difficulty conceiving. We have two children, twin girls, which we were blessed to receive after three years of unsuccessful fertility treatments followed by a massively expensive IVF (invitro fertilization for the uninitiated). We felt incredibly blessed to have them and so three years later we decided it was time to try it again so that we could bring even more children into our home.
During this time, we have prayed, gone to the temple, and received many blessings. In every instance we felt inspired to know that this was the right path, that there was at least one more child waiting for us (a boy), and that we would be successful in our efforts. Independent of each other, and often together, we had experienced a strong confirmation of each step we were taking.
Alas, the first attempt to even do an IVF failed as she didn't respond appropriately to the treatments she was receiving. A second attempt ensued with similar results: fail. The doctor decided she should try a surgery to see if there was anything going on that would prevent the treatments from working. The results of the surgery were inconclusive, hedging "No, everything's just fine". So they doubled the treatments and pushed forward after she healed from the surgery.
With double the injections, pills, etc, my wife finally showed enough progress to go through with the IVF. Again, many prayers, temple trips, and blessings, we felt inspired that things would work out successfully and that we'd be blessed with a child. The day of the IVF procedure arrived and in ways almost too sacred to describe, I can tell you that we felt more calm, more peace, more spiritually blessed that day than we have in years. I would compare the experience to second only to an extremely enlightening prayer circle or time spent in the Celestial room. Again, all signs point to success.
We waited the requisite number of days, followed post-procedure protocol to the letter, and when the day of the pregnancy test arrived we got our positive pregnancy result. Two days of rejoicing, celebrating, and praising God ensued. Then on the next doctor apt everything turned south. The embryos they implanted were not growing as they should, not "sticking" as the layman term goes. Everything came crashing down and she miscarried.
Naturally there is a huge amount of hurt and an extreme degree of disappointment. The biggest problem for me is wondering whether everything I thought was personal revelation was completely wrong. Basically, as I see it, I'm faced with two potential conclusions:
1) My ability to receive personal revelation for myself and my family is completely bogus or non-existent. Otherwise, how could I be so wrong on such an important matter?
2) God did indeed inspire us to go through with this, all the while knowing in His omniscience that it would fail.
I'm not liking either answer. Either way, my wife is now convinced that we should do this again as soon as we can. And I'm not sure how I can proceed with that degree of doubt in my mind. Can I receive inspiration for my family? Can I give an inspired blessing? Or is it all just wishful thinking in my head? Or, per option 2, am I going to be set up to fail again?
Without being able to reconcile these two issues, I fear I'm stuck when I should be moving towards something, but I don't know what that something is or whether I should expect another painful miscarriage again. We have literally one shot left at this. If the next round fails, we are at the end of our road as far as having more children. That scares the crap out of me.
Please, would anyone have any advice or insight? I'm feeling a bit lost here.