Personal Revelation Breakdown

[Stargazer]

Forgive me if I seem to be rambling at the moment. Our puppy found a way out of the fence today and got hit by a car, killing her almost instantly. I arrived moments after she was hit and watched her breathe her last breath... Still processing that.

Gosh what a month it's been.

Oh, I can definitely relate. Especially on the last breath thing.

Remember, all dogs go to heaven.

[Tacenda]

It's an interesting situation, to be sure. My wife says she heard as plain as day the words "It will come" while sitting in the celestial room. She thinks perhaps that was a form of preparation for the fact that The Lord knew the first attempt would fail. Be that as it may, we have two frozen embryos left - two chances to have our own natural children. If that fails, then I'm almost even more excited to see how God comes through on His promise.

Or not. I've been thinking about how much Heavenly Father must love us to leave us dangling and disappointed lately. It at least shows a lot of trust. Have we given up? No. Has my faith been shaken? Yes, but I feel it's only shaken because it's being tested so I can learn what I'm made of and where to put my trust. I don't know how this will work out, or if it even will. But that doesn't mean God hasn't been in the journey.

Forgive me if I seem to be rambling at the moment. Our puppy found a way out of the fence today and got hit by a car, killing her almost instantly. I arrived moments after she was hit and watched her breathe her last breath... Still processing that.

Gosh what a month it's been.

Sorry about your dog. This happened to my dog also, it's a sad feeling, I know.

[Garden Girl]

Most of our children have gone the way of the world. One is very active in Church, one is active but struggling, and the rest are pretty much gentiles with vague memories of the Church. I know my wife prayed frequently over this, entreating the Lord to inspire the kids to come back to the Church. Her patriarchal blessing in fact encourages her to pray for her children. Her last coherent direction to me as she descended to death was "take care of my children." Of course I will do so, and I will also pray for them, but in all this time the effort seems to have been wasted. It may well be that all her efforts and my efforts to do whatever we could to bring them back will fail. If so, then so be it. But it is important to endure to the end, keeping the commandments, relying upon whatever inspiration the Lord might provide in our striving to bring them back to Father.

 

Stargazer...

Your children sound like my sister and me... at age 20 I became inactive, though through the years from time to time I'd feel the pull of the Spirit to return to Church... during these years (34 to be exact) my folks prayed for us always... particularly my mom.  I used to think to myself that mom must be wearing out her knees on behalf of her wayward daughters... it was not until my mom died suddenly of a heart attack that the full impact hit me and spun me around, and sent me running back to the Church thus finally heeding the promptings of the Spirit (that I'm sure were because of my mom's entreaties on my behalf). 

They also prayed for my sister, but she is not likely to return... though she loves the Church in many ways, and it's leaders... We have wonderful discussions and much in common because she adheres to many of the Church doctrines though she is one who mingles the theories of men with scripture. 

As for me, when I returned to Church I never looked back, and I'm stronger than ever.... true blue through and through...

My point is, Stargazer, never give up... never stop praying for your children, and do not think that such prayers are in vain ... MY prayer is that my mother be allowed to know that her prayers were not wasted, and both my sis and I live our lives in a manner that she would approve... me in the Church, and sis very close...  

So continue to honor your promise to your wife and don't give up...

 

 

And for IWriteStuff... I personally know two women who "could not" have children and so adopted... and after the adoption both became pregnant... one within a year and the second within about three years...  so don't you give up either... I do know that Heavenly Father is mindful of you... of your prayers... of the righteous desires of your heart...

 

GG

[will227457]

I think if it had been JUST me receiving the inspiration and through only one attempt or avenue, then perhaps that would be the case. As it is, on numerous occasions and numerous places, my wife and I both received the same answer for over a year. In the celestial room, in priesthood blessings, in "companionship prayer" and personal prayers, the answer was always the same: it will come.

 

We're thinking now it's maybe one of two things: 1) timing was off/there was some specific reason as yet unknown why we have been asked to go one mile past our point of exhaustion or 2) the end goal isn't a baby but a refining experience we needed to pass through in order to bless us in ways we don't understand yet.

 

Either way, it's hard to read the scriptures with passages like "obey the commandments and ye shall prosper in the land" since that doesn't seem like our immediate experience... All things in an eternal perspective, right?

You are to emotionally invested in the outcome to have perspective, You want this and you want it bad so you think that God must want it for you also. I mean your pretty specific about having another child and it being a boy if I read things right, That's just a setup for disaster and God does not work that way.

 

Try thinking outside of the box assuming that these revelations are accurate and your not just in your own head. Have you thought about adoption? Foster care? There are plenty of opportunities to help out Gods children and it sounds like you have the means to do so..

[jkwilliams]

Most of our children have gone the way of the world. One is very active in Church, one is active but struggling, and the rest are pretty much gentiles with vague memories of the Church. I know my wife prayed frequently over this, entreating the Lord to inspire the kids to come back to the Church. Her patriarchal blessing in fact encourages her to pray for her children. Her last coherent direction to me as she descended to death was "take care of my children." Of course I will do so, and I will also pray for them, but in all this time the effort seems to have been wasted. It may well be that all her efforts and my efforts to do whatever we could to bring them back will fail. If so, then so be it. But it is important to endure to the end, keeping the commandments, relying upon whatever inspiration the Lord might provide in our striving to bring them back to Father.

 

If you feel that the Lord desires for you to strive for another natural child of yours, then you must continue to strive for it.  And if your striving ultimately does not result in what you desire, then you must be as Job, and thank God anyway.  Do you think that in the end, even after this life, that your efforts will be in vain?  I don't think they will.  If God gives you a task, then only He can relieve you of it.  But remember that the achievement of a goal, even a worthy and good goal, is not as important as the striving for the goal.  I can promise you nothing except for the fact that Lord will not forget your desires and that He will reward you beyond your imagination if you persevere.

 

iWriteMuch, I am not your spiritual advisor, but remember that is not necessary to rely upon modern medical science to conceive and bear a child.  Even if it seems that modern medicine provides the only possibility for the conception, does God really require the exhaustion of all of your financial resources to achieve the goal?  I doubt it.  Consider the case of Abraham and Sarah.  They tried for years and decades to have a child together, but failed.  Until late in their old age.  When God invervened.  Sarah was past menopause when the Lord promised a child.  She laughed -- it surely was funny to her.  But He returned Sarah to fertility and bingo.  Will He do this for you and your wife?  Who knows? 

 

But don't give up. 

 

Edited to add as PS: Perhaps the Lord wants you to forego technology this time, and act upon faith?  Of course I don't know this, but it's an idea I had.

 

For some reason, I feel like sharing what my mother has said about us wayward children. Of the 4 surviving children of 6, 3 of us are not active in the church (my sister had her name removed many years ago). My mom said to me, "My children haven't always made the choices I hoped they would make, but they are good, responsible people, and I would like them and think highly of them even if they weren't my children." 

 

Certainly my kids have made choices that were hard for me to accept, but I feel the same way about my kids. 

[bluebell]

You are to emotionally invested in the outcome to have perspective, You want this and you want it bad so you think that God must want it for you also. I mean your pretty specific about having another child and it being a boy if I read things right, That's just a setup for disaster and God does not work that way.

 

Try thinking outside of the box assuming that these revelations are accurate and your not just in your own head. Have you thought about adoption? Foster care? There are plenty of opportunities to help out Gods children and it sounds like you have the means to do so..

 

I think that God definitely can work that way.  

[iWriteStuff]

You are to emotionally invested in the outcome to have perspective, You want this and you want it bad so you think that God must want it for you also. I mean your pretty specific about having another child and it being a boy if I read things right, That's just a setup for disaster and God does not work that way.

 

Try thinking outside of the box assuming that these revelations are accurate and your not just in your own head. Have you thought about adoption? Foster care? There are plenty of opportunities to help out Gods children and it sounds like you have the means to do so..

"Means to do so...." Yeah, not so much. I just blew through my savings and finished taking out a loan yesterday in order to do another round. Honestly, if we hadn't sold our house at the top of the market and moved into something much less expensive, we wouldn't have been able to afford even the first round of treatment.

 

Also kinda sounds like your take on this is that I have no right/ability to receive guidance and revelation for my family, over which I have stewardship and responsibility.... I'm not sure how firm a foundation you have in such a statement, but I'll certainly ponder it. That the guidance has been specific (to both my wife and I, I might add) is not at all guided by any degree of preference. I have two girls. Prior to having girls, I had a fear that I wouldn't know how to be a dad to them because I grew up in a household of boys. Now that I have girls, I love being a dad to girls. They are awesome, amazing, choice spirits and I'd love to be a dad to baby girls again. Heck, if you really knew our hearts in this matter, you'd know we've never cared in the slightest about the gender. We had a chance early on to test the gender of the embryos, but we passed on that completely - as long as we have children, we will consider ourselves blessed beyond measure.

 

This much I will say: the last time we went through this (read original post regarding twins), I had the same thought that you did - that I may be too biased to give an inspired blessing. So we asked a friend of ours, a former area 70, to do one of the blessings. He came over that night and told us he'd fasted and prayed about it all day and the conclusion he came to was that the person most qualified to receive revelation for my family was..... drum roll, please.... me. I gave the blessing that night with him assisting and it's been that way ever since.

 

At any rate, I apologize if the above sounded defensive. We have nothing against adoption - it was proceeding down that path that led us to IVF, ironically. But I'm in the middle of a journey right now with more obstacles than I anticipated, which has been shaking my faith in revelation. Your post spoke to those fears. I'm hoping to overcome them, not succumb to them.

[MorningStar]

iWrite, I'm so sorry about what you're going through.  It took us two years to become pregnant with our first and I was convinced I was infertile.  I had a blessing and suddenly felt excited about adoption.  I was thinking maybe we would adopt and not tell my parents until we showed up at their house with our baby.  We went to an adoption workshop and the next week I found out I was pregnant.  For two years, I had begged God every day for a baby and just didn't trust in His timing for me.

 

My husband was in the military when we had our first and it was a traumatic experience.  First of all, they never had time to address my concerns and missed the fact that I had an infection for 3 months.  Even though it was causing pre-term labor, they still didn't catch it until my third visit.  After a round of medication, my symptoms came back and my doctor assured me it must be gone.  This led to unproductive contractions and I was in labor for a week.  5 of those days, I didn't sleep.  I wouldn't go in until things were progressing because of the horrible treatment I had received.  They had me on my back on an exam table, not a bed, and exam table for 5 hours straight.  One of the doctors was so rough with me while checking for dilation, I screamed out in pain.  No doctor has ever caused that reaction before. Anyway, it's a long story, but my son was finally born, he had a high white count, and he had to stay in the NICU for a week to receive antibiotics.  Then I learned the spinal tap they insisted on wasn't necessary.  I was furious.  They also wouldn't let my husband spend the night with me, so I struggled to walk by myself to the NICU in a gown that still had blood on it and they wouldn't push me in a wheelchair.  They said, "If you can't get there on your own, we'll just give your baby a bottle!"

 

There's way more to the story.  I was so angry, it took me 3 years before I felt like I could write about it.  Anyway, I look back at that and think, "Maybe Heavenly Father was trying to spare me that experience and He finally gave me what I wanted?"  I'm so grateful I have my son, but that was one of the worst experiences of my life.  If it hadn't happened, I know I would have continued to feel bitter about my infertility.  I would have no idea that Heavenly Father had His reasons.

 

Our other four children came with no problems whatsoever.  I have had friends who went through fertility treatments later become fertile suddenly.  One had an ovary removed and tried for 8 years, adopted a baby, then found out when the baby was 2 months old that she was 2 months along with twins.  I know that's not the outcome for many people, but I pray that you will be able to accept whatever is in store for your family.  I was allowing my previous infertility to consume me. 

 

It's annoying as heck in this situation when people tell you to relax.  So I'll just tell you to have faith.    Wait, maybe that's annoying too.  Praying for you!

 

[Mars]

infertility is, without a doubt, the worst cosmic injustice a child-desirous couple can bear.  idiot people ruining their lives and the lives of children in their care through abuse, neglect, and all around beyond the pale terrible parenting...  they are all bitter reminders of what some so carelessly, thoughtlessly, and irresponsibly(!!!) enjoy while others are denied.

 

it sucks.

 

ps - i have no answers for your OP.  i urge patience, but i don't mean to trivialize your sufferings.  best of luck.

[iWriteStuff]

There's way more to the story.  I was so angry, it took me 3 years before I felt like I could write about it.  Anyway, I look back at that and think, "Maybe Heavenly Father was trying to spare me that experience and He finally gave me what I wanted?"  I'm so grateful I have my son, but that was one of the worst experiences of my life.  If it hadn't happened, I know I would have continued to feel bitter about my infertility.  I would have no idea that Heavenly Father had His reasons.

 

Yikes! What an experience you had! And yet, despite the anger and awfulness of the experience, would you say you are grateful for the result? My wife has said numerous times that she would walk through fire for her children - born and unborn. I think sometimes maybe God took her up on the challenge.

[jkwilliams]

It's an interesting situation, to be sure. My wife says she heard as plain as day the words "It will come" while sitting in the celestial room. She thinks perhaps that was a form of preparation for the fact that The Lord knew the first attempt would fail. Be that as it may, we have two frozen embryos left - two chances to have our own natural children. If that fails, then I'm almost even more excited to see how God comes through on His promise.

Or not. I've been thinking about how much Heavenly Father must love us to leave us dangling and disappointed lately. It at least shows a lot of trust. Have we given up? No. Has my faith been shaken? Yes, but I feel it's only shaken because it's being tested so I can learn what I'm made of and where to put my trust. I don't know how this will work out, or if it even will. But that doesn't mean God hasn't been in the journey.

Forgive me if I seem to be rambling at the moment. Our puppy found a way out of the fence today and got hit by a car, killing her almost instantly. I arrived moments after she was hit and watched her breathe her last breath... Still processing that.

Gosh what a month it's been.

 

I am sorry you're going through such tough times. I think that sometimes we look back on things we were sure meant one thing and find out later that they meant something entirely different. I don't know if that's the case with you (obviously I'm not you, and I'm not privy to your spiritual experiences), but in my life, I've found it pays to be patient and see how things go.

 

My daughter is in much the same boat. She really wants to be a mother, but so far, no luck. Her husband had surgery that is supposed to correct a problem he had, but they won't know for sure until next month whether it's had any effect. In the meantime, every month about the same time, she calls her mother and cries. I feel so bad for her, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. So I just tell her I love her and that things will work out somehow.

[iWriteStuff]

I am sorry you're going through such tough times. I think that sometimes we look back on things we were sure meant one thing and find out later that they meant something entirely different. I don't know if that's the case with you (obviously I'm not you, and I'm not privy to your spiritual experiences), but in my life, I've found it pays to be patient and see how things go.

 

My daughter is in much the same boat. She really wants to be a mother, but so far, no luck. Her husband had surgery that is supposed to correct a problem he had, but they won't know for sure until next month whether it's had any effect. In the meantime, every month about the same time, she calls her mother and cries. I feel so bad for her, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do. So I just tell her I love her and that things will work out somehow.

It's crazy to me how many women in the church struggle with infertility of some sort... My wife gave a talk in our first month at the new ward and she brought up our struggles with it. After sacrament meeting, all sorts of women were coming out of the woodwork to tell her about the difficulties they've been facing as well. There's a real sisterhood of heartbroken women who have similar problems.

 

I'm pretty certain about what I've felt, but also willing to admit I could be totally wrong, none of it works out, and I have to wait until after this life to understand why. I'm not terrifically keen on that notion, but I realize I have no power over it.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. I would bet you money she has other sisters in her ward with similar experiences, though. They could turn into a very good support network for her, as I'm sure she may need it in times to come. If we've learned one thing, it's that the road always seems to have more potholes than we expect.

[jkwilliams]

It's crazy to me how many women in the church struggle with infertility of some sort... My wife gave a talk in our first month at the new ward and she brought up our struggles with it. After sacrament meeting, all sorts of women were coming out of the woodwork to tell her about the difficulties they've been facing as well. There's a real sisterhood of heartbroken women who have similar problems.

 

I'm pretty certain about what I've felt, but also willing to admit I could be totally wrong, none of it works out, and I have to wait until after this life to understand why. I'm not terrifically keen on that notion, but I realize I have no power over it.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. I would bet you money she has other sisters in her ward with similar experiences, though. They could turn into a very good support network for her, as I'm sure she may need it in times to come. If we've learned one thing, it's that the road always seems to have more potholes than we expect.

 

The only good thing is that, because it's an issue with her husband, she isn't blaming herself anymore. For a long time she was convinced she couldn't have children, period. Apparently, if the initial surgery on my son-in-law wasn't successful, there are other options. We're not giving up hope.

 

But you're right that there are a lot of couples in the same situation. My niece wasn't able to have children until she had IVF after 5 years of trying. She was working for a local law school here, as she figured she might as well work until she got pregnant. One Sunday a woman she didn't know well approached her after sacrament meeting and started telling her that a career wasn't worth putting off having children, and she'd regret it later. She just looked the woman in the eye and said, "I would give anything to be able to have a baby," and walked away. 

 

Sending best wishes and prayers your way. I am a natural optimist, and I'm sure things will be OK, though they may not work out the way we wish they would.

[3DOP]

Our Traditional Catholic parish is teeming with families of six, eight, ten, and more children. Some could get the impression that we believe it is important to have as many children as possible. Not so. We believe in being open to the possibility of having children. We believe that it is wrong for couples to interfere in natural reproduction. We also have couples who have never had children. No one thinks anything of it. We guess they couldn't have kids. Its fine.

 

I know one good young guy, from a family of twelve...the brother of my my son-in-law. He wants a baby so bad and his wife has some kind of health problems with multiple miscarriages. He is giving up alcohol for the entire term of the current pregnancy for the intention of a healthy pregnancy. That might not sound like much to you word of wisdom folk, but to those who have been taught that the drinking age begins with infant baptism, it is some sacrifice! He is praying for a baby with every beer he does not drink. But our principle allows that couples are not obliged to do everything scientifically possible to make more children. My young friend will have a clear conscience about allowing God to give him more children or fewer, even if his personal desires are not realized.

 

I won't attempt to reply to the specifically LDS question about personal revelation. I did want to offer the suggestion that from a perspective both Catholics and LDS might be able to share, that it is okay to have smaller families than we would choose, or larger families than we would choose.

 

3DOP

Edited October 16, 2015 by 3DOP

[Avatar4321]

For some reason when I clicked on the thread tonight I was immediately reminded of Father Abraham. God gave him and Sarah Isaac when he was 100. Nothing is impossible for Him.

[Kenngo1969]

IWriteStuff,

 

I'm a never-married, long-term bachelor with no descendants or dependents, so I'm unsure if you will find any of this relevant to your situation.  Now that I've confessed their likely irrelevance (), here are some of my thoughts:

 

https://greatgourdini.wordpress.com/2015/10/16/trusting-god/

[Stargazer]

For some reason, I feel like sharing what my mother has said about us wayward children. Of the 4 surviving children of 6, 3 of us are not active in the church (my sister had her name removed many years ago). My mom said to me, "My children haven't always made the choices I hoped they would make, but they are good, responsible people, and I would like them and think highly of them even if they weren't my children." 

 

Certainly my kids have made choices that were hard for me to accept, but I feel the same way about my kids.

I know. And as to most of mine who are inactive, I do think highly of them and what they have accomplished.

[ERayR]

For some reason, I feel like sharing what my mother has said about us wayward children. Of the 4 surviving children of 6, 3 of us are not active in the church (my sister had her name removed many years ago). My mom said to me, "My children haven't always made the choices I hoped they would make, but they are good, responsible people, and I would like them and think highly of them even if they weren't my children." 

 

Certainly my kids have made choices that were hard for me to accept, but I feel the same way about my kids. 

 

I know what your mother means It is the same with me an my kids.  Some are (according to me) on the right track and some are not.  I love em anyway.

[jkwilliams]

I know. And as to most of mine who are inactive, I do think highly of them and what they have accomplished.

The thing is, I know I broke my mother's heart when I told her I no longer believed in the church. She always told me that, because I had survived a serious birth defect, I had been saved for some great purpose Heavenly Father had for me. Until I was 40, I did what I supposed to do, served a mission, got married in the temple, got my degrees from BYU, served in church callings, was a high priest. I'm not saying that to boast, as I never considered any of that to be something to be proud of, just doing what I knew I was supposed to do. My older brother and sister walked away from the church in their late teens, but my exit happened over about 2 years in my early 40s. I know it hurt her and my wife, and it still hurts that I can't really talk to them about it because it's painful, and we will never agree.

[MorningStar]

infertility is, without a doubt, the worst cosmic injustice a child-desirous couple can bear.  idiot people ruining their lives and the lives of children in their care through abuse, neglect, and all around beyond the pale terrible parenting...  they are all bitter reminders of what some so carelessly, thoughtlessly, and irresponsibly(!!!) enjoy while others are denied.

 

it sucks.

 

ps - i have no answers for your OP.  i urge patience, but i don't mean to trivialize your sufferings.  best of luck.

Amen to that!  It was such a slap in the face hearing about a druggie with yet another baby going into foster care or people complaining that they were pregnant.  "Why can't they be the infertile ones?!" I wondered. 

[Stargazer]

The thing is, I know I broke my mother's heart when I told her I no longer believed in the church. She always told me that, because I had survived a serious birth defect, I had been saved for some great purpose Heavenly Father had for me. Until I was 40, I did what I supposed to do, served a mission, got married in the temple, got my degrees from BYU, served in church callings, was a high priest. I'm not saying that to boast, as I never considered any of that to be something to be proud of, just doing what I knew I was supposed to do. My older brother and sister walked away from the church in their late teens, but my exit happened over about 2 years in my early 40s. I know it hurt her and my wife, and it still hurts that I can't really talk to them about it because it's painful, and we will never agree.

 

Yes, I know; we've conversed before about this.  You've been in my thoughts frequently over many months, and I've often wondered if there were anything I could do or say to make a difference to you.  Nothing has come to mind, however.  The thing is, my kids are just backsliders -- they have no real problems with the Church.  It's just their way of being selfish, "I want to have fun and not be told what to do."  I've even been told by one or another of them that they still believe in the Church, whatever that's supposed to mean.

 

You're a harder nut to crack, however.  And I mean that in a nice way. 

[rongo]

You may consider other options besides just the ones you listed. It's also possible that you correctly discerned that you and your wife were supposed to go through the treatments, but that you didn't discern the fact that it wouldn't work. That is, maybe God wanted you to go through it, but not because it was ultimately going to succeed. 

 

The discerning of revelation and confirmation is never 100%, even for apostles and prophets. It's also not exclusively tied to faith and diligence (in other words, we can be worthy to receive, in-tune, and have a legitimate need, and God sometimes does not give us revelation). And that's a good thing, because we would never learn what we need to learn about ourselves, about God, about the Plan, and about life if we could guarantee results. 

 

I related a meaningful experience I had along these lines here:

 

http://www.fairmormon.org/perspectives/publications/well-nigh-as-dangerous#enloc59

 

When we feel strongly that we have been prompted in this or that direction, we may not see "the end from the beginning." For example, I know a woman who applied Moroni's promise and read and prayed sincerely about the Book of Mormon, and she received a clear "no" answer. Members and missionaries argued with her about her sincerity, etc., which was not a good thing. Years later, she tried it again, and received a clear "yes" answer and was baptized. If her "no" answer was technically "not at this time, but ten years down the road," did she "get it wrong?" Or, did she discern to the best of her ability both times, and correctly interpret both while "seeing through a glass darkly?" 

 

Similarly, I don't know that you "incorrectly" discerned your answers, and I don't think your possible answers were as binary as you outlined in the OP. It is possible that God's will was for you and your wife to go through this (and to feel good about it), but not (at this time) to have success.

[MorningStar]

Yikes! What an experience you had! And yet, despite the anger and awfulness of the experience, would you say you are grateful for the result? My wife has said numerous times that she would walk through fire for her children - born and unborn. I think sometimes maybe God took her up on the challenge.

Yes, I am grateful for the result.  I would go through it all over again, but knowing what I know now, I would have walked out of that military hospital and given birth anywhere but there.  The nurses couldn't believe they kept my son there a week just to receive antibiotics.  He was otherwise healthy.  I would go somewhere that allows husbands to stay instead of my parents having to drive him home to sob his eyes out.  He was too tired to drive because my labor kept him awake too.  He was even throwing-up from the stress and exhaustion.  The doctor had no good reason to make me use a bed pan, but he did.  I wasn't allowed out of the bed for any reason.  He gave me Pitocin even though my contractions were already strong enough because my uterus wasn't following his rules.  He also asked me if I wanted an epidural.  I said, "No."  "You don't get a medal for not getting one."  "Really?!" I glared.  He said, "Don't wait too long to get it."  I said, "Don't worry!  I won't!" 

 

The nurses changed shifts and the new one really saved me.  She insisted I be allowed to sit in the rocking chair that was right next to my bed.  I could tell she hated the guy with a passion.  He was a control freak who had no compassion for laboring women at all.  A while after delivery, I told my mom, "I hate him.  I hope he dies."  My mom said, "You don't mean that!"  I said, "OK, I don't.  I hope he gets a kidney stone the size of a basketball."  I had a roommate who ended up in surgery for a torn cervix after delivery and she said it was because he gave her too much Pitocin that caused her to go from 3 to 10 in 30 minutes.  Still, when the doctors came and told me they were taking my son to the NICU, she got out of bed and hugged me.  That's one moment I'll never forget.  There were also the sweet, supportive mothers in the NICU.  Many of them had children who would be there for months and when we were getting ready to take him home, I felt like it would be rubbing it in their faces.  They could sense this and they said, "We're happy for you and we want you to be happy too.  We would be happy."  One of them said, "This is probably harder for you because your baby was full term and you weren't expecting this.  We knew our babies would be in the NICU."  No, I'm sure I had it easy compared to them.  One lady had twins and her husband refused to come visit because he "doesn't like hospitals."  An Army man couldn't handle the hospital?! 

 

I told my husband if he wanted to have more babies with me, he had to get out of the military.  There was no way I was going to another military hospital.  You get who you get and have no idea if you're getting a nice doctor or the control freak who missed your obvious infection after two trips to Labor and Delivery. At the last minute, I got the nice doctor because the other guy had to go to a C-section.  Which I bet he caused somehow.  He was talking about doing one to me and I said he didn't have my permission to do so.  As long as our vital signs were good, no way.  I didn't labor for a week to be cut open.  They should have done it days before that.  Once I was finally allowed to push, my mom said I was practically laughing.  I felt like I had all the power at that point.  I was so sleep deprived, but all of my anger had me pumped and the doctor was running to get his stuff on because the baby was coming so fast.  Bizarrely, I felt no pain when I was pushing and no pain when he came out.  I think I was numb from the exhaustion.  My husband said I kept repeating later, "I'm so tired.  I'm so hungry."  I fell asleep while eating.     Our son was just as tired.  He wouldn't wake up to eat, so they said they would give him a bottle or an IV.  There are things  I don't even remember like holding him for a first time.  My husband said the doctor laid him on me briefly, but I have no recollection of it. 

 

At least I can use my experience to teach my daughters to assert themselves when they have babies.  I was guided by personal revelation during the experience.  First, I was told if I accepted medication, it wouldn't go well.  Second, if I screamed, the doctor would do a C-section.  I didn't scream at all.  The nice doctor took my husband aside and was amazed because he had never seen a woman on Pitocin and no epidural not screaming.  I was determined not to have a C-section because I knew I wouldn't be willing to have as many children as I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to have. I never knew what iron will I had until I felt like my baby and future babies were threatened. 

[Garden Girl]

Yes, I know; we've conversed before about this.  You've been in my thoughts frequently over many months, and I've often wondered if there were anything I could do or say to make a difference to you.  Nothing has come to mind, however.  The thing is, my kids are just backsliders -- they have no real problems with the Church.  It's just their way of being selfish, "I want to have fun and not be told what to do."  I've even been told by one or another of them that they still believe in the Church, whatever that's supposed to mean.

 

You're a harder nut to crack, however.  And I mean that in a nice way. 

 

It's like when I was inactive, Stargazer... I would tell my True Blue mom that I still believed in the Church... but my life was very much in the world with my non-LDS husband.  I was enjoying our very good life of business, travel, socializing and just didn't feel an urgency to rock the boat... BUT... when I held my mom in my arms and saw the "light" go from her eyes and knew she was going through the veil... everything stopped... nothing else mattered... and as I've said here numerous times,  I was spun around to the point that I came running back to the Church.  And I've never looked back... 20 years now.

 

GG