Should a celibate gay single active L D S man be allowed to adopt a child?

[Thinking]

Here's the background.

• My son has come out as gay.
• He is currently active LDS and desires to have a family.
• He would like to find a girl who would accept and love him for who he is.
• He, my wife, and I had a conversation last night about the possibility of finding such a girl.

I personally think it will be difficult for him to find a girl to marry. During our conversation I mentioned the possibility of adopting a child as a single man. I'm curious what the members of this board think about this situation.

Thanks.

[Gillebre]

As a Church member in a similar situation to your son I can share my own thoughts on the subject. The idea of finding a girl to marry in a situation such as his and mine is something that stretches what, to us, seems possible. In fact it often seems impossible, especially in difficult times. I think it's something that each one of us in that kind of situation will need to come to terms with and decide, after a lot of thoughtful pondering and prayer (and a good talk with a Priesthood leader and parents), what we are going to do about it.

As to your son adopting a child as a single parent, I'm certain he'd face the same overwhelming issues with that scenario as single parents. Having a spouse to share all of that with really is the pattern of how I think it was meant to be. It's a difficult question with several other things connected to it. How will he provide and parent? He can't be in two places at once. Of course extended family can help a lot, but it will still be his primary responsibility, in society and before God, to raise and provide for his child. I can't give a simple answer because the question has so much attached to it.

[sunstoned]

I personally know several single parents, and I do agree with Gillebre that their are special challenges with being a single parent.  Time and schedule are probably towards the top of the list.  But these challenges can and have been overcome.  If a person wants to be a parent and is committed to the time and effort it would take to be a good parent, then they should pursue it.  In my opinion being gay or straight does not even factor into the equation because sexual orientation has little to do with parenting. 

[stemelbow]

I knew a man 20 years ago or so who was gay in the situation you described and did adopt a son.  I worked with him while I was in college.  He and I both worked at a troubled youth home.  He was gay and active LDS, but hardly anyone knew he was gay.  But while we worked together he adopted his son, apparently to the approval of his own local leaders (I can't confirm that, though, just a guess since he continued to serve in the Church and bring his son to Church with him). I haven' stayed in touch though, so I'm not sure what he's up to now.  The boy, of course, would be grown by now.  In fact, when he adopted him the boy was a little older, so he's probably closer to his late twenties.

I've also known a number of active older single ladies who have adopted. 

[Tacenda]

I don't know why not.  There's a single, active LDS woman in my ward that has adopted two children as infants.  I don't know if she's gay or not.  Don't think so, but maybe she'll marry down the road.  She comes from a large family that is supportive too.  

[consiglieri]

9 hours ago, Thinking said:

Here's the background.

• My son has come out as gay.
• He is currently active LDS and desires to have a family.
• He would like to find a girl who would accept and love him for who he is.
• He, my wife, and I had a conversation last night about the possibility of finding such a girl.

I personally think it will be difficult for him to find a girl to marry. During our conversation I mentioned the possibility of adopting a child as a single man. I'm curious what the members of this board think about this situation.

Thanks.

I am so glad your son has come out as gay, and that you are supportive of him and obviously not shunning him or demeaning him in any way.

I hope he will be able to continue to remain active LDS, though the Church's new policy may make that more difficult for him than it should be.

I think it is possible he will be able to find such a girl, but it is a dangerous business, because many people in such a situation think it is their mission to "fix" gay men.  And even though a girl may accept your son as he is, that may change over time as the marriage progresses.  Women have needs as well as men.  I have seen it happen.  An ugly divorce was the result and a custody battle over their son.

But to the heart of your question, I think the sexual orientation of a parent is the least important consideration when looking at qualifications to adopt.

All my very best to you and your son and your family!

[consiglieri]

I also have to ask the follow-up question:

Why does your son want to find a girl to marry?

Is it because that is what he really wants, or is it because he thinks that is what he is supposed to do?

If it is not what he really wants, I would advise against it.

Both for his sake and the girl's.

And any children they may have.

Just my two cents.

All the best to you all, again!

[smac97]

8 hours ago, Thinking said:

Here's the background.

• My son has come out as gay.
• He is currently active LDS and desires to have a family.
• He would like to find a girl who would accept and love him for who he is.
• He, my wife, and I had a conversation last night about the possibility of finding such a girl.

I personally think it will be difficult for him to find a girl to marry. During our conversation I mentioned the possibility of adopting a child as a single man. I'm curious what the members of this board think about this situation.

Thanks.

A few thoughts:

1. I do not think the Church has a specific policy/guideline on a single person adopting a child.  However, I think a reasonable inference would be that the Church would strongly discourage single-parent adoptions.  The inference is based mostly on two considerations: First, the Church has a very strong statement about artificial insemination.  In the CHI artificial insemination of single sisters is "not approved," and sisters who deliberately refuse to follow this counsel "are subject to Church discipline."  Second, the Church has constantly emphasized the importance of children being raised in a home with a father and a mother.  So although the Church can and does readily accommodate situations where such a two-parent configuration arises from individual circumstance (death, divorce, etc.), I have a hard time thinking that the Church would condone someone deliberately circumventing the Church's counsel by intentionally creating a one-parent family (for example, through artificial insemination - which is expressly prohibited - or, in your son's case, through single-parent adoption).

2. The foregoing paragraph is my opinion only.  I think your son should confer with his priesthood leaders, starting with his bishop but also perhaps moving upward to ensure that this issue (which does not appear to be addressed in the CHI) is properly addressed by those who have sufficient keys and authority to speak on behalf of the Church (in the absence of instruction in the CHI or elsewhere in the Church's literature, I am not sure a bishop or SP has authority to articulate the Church's position on this issue).

3. I can understand and respect and appreciate the yearning that people can have for wanting a child.  It's a fundamental urge.  But the Restored Gospel ties the raising of children to marriage.  Much emphasis is placed on fatherhood and motherhood, and much counsel is given about both parents being heavily involved in the raising of their children.  Both the leaders of the Church and substantial sociological data show that two-parent homes are generally preferable to single-parent homes (I do not in any way mean to disparage single parents, many of whom I know and love and respect and support).  And then there are the doctrinal considerations.  The Church's teachings about The Law of Chastity, the importance of marriage, and the importance of having children within the marital bond are well-established.  So there is more to having a child than simply wanting to have a child.  I think the Lord's plan involves children being born into a home with a mother and a father (or, inferentially, being adopted into a home with a mother and father).  Keep in mind that, AFAIK, a single parent cannot be sealed to his/her child.  I think this is why the Church has prohibited artificial insemination for sisters.  I would think the corollary for men (single-parent adoption) would probably likewise be prohibited (or, along with sperm donation, "strongly discouraged").

4. I am not sure how your son is situated in terms of employment and finances, housing, extended family in the area, and so on.  Unless he is independently wealthy, I assume he is going to work full-time.  Does he want to adopt an older child or a younger one?  In either situation, there is likely to be either A) a lot of time when the child would be left unsupervised, or B) a lot of time when the child is being supervised by someone other than your son (extended family, friends, daycare, etc.).  This means a heightened amount of sociological/physical risk because the child is not being properly supervised, or a very significant expense due to paying for childcare obligations, or a heavy burden on neighbors and friends called upon to help with the child for years on end, or some combination of these factors.  There are single parents all over the place in the Church who struggle to cope with these considerations, but by and large they did not choose to situate themselves in such circumstances.  Death, divorce, long-term illness, abandonment, etc.  Any of these events can result in substantial emotional and financial and social burdens on a single parent.  Would it be wise, then, for your son to deliberately choose such challenges?  And not only for himself, but for the child also?

5. Your son may have heard of Josh Weed, who has created quite a stir by publicly declaring that he is A) homosexual, B) happily married to a woman, and C) a father of three children.  Ty Mansfield has published a similar narrative.  I was surprised to read these, as I had for quite some time been conditioned by the popular consensus to think that "forcing" a gay man into a "straight" marriage, or even encouraging or allowing such a thing, was horrible.  I can see why.  Compelling someone to marry, whether direct and intentional or unintended and sub rosa (through social pressures inherent in the LDS Church), is not likely to yield long-term positive results in the marital relationship.  But apparently there are some folks who, of their own volition, and with their eyes open from the outset, have successfully figured out how to make a gay-man-married-to-a-woman relationship work.  Personally, while I am very happy for the Weed and Mansfield families, I remain ambivalent about encouraging other gay Latter-day Saints to consider following their footsteps.  I have not been placed in a situation where I have needed to consider offering (or withholding) such encouragement.  I wonder, however, if you might be in that situation now.

Thanks,

-Smac

[thesometimesaint]

I don't believe it is a good idea for singles to adopt a young child, be they gay or straight. An older teen would potentially benefit from such, but the demands of a young child make such an adoption unwise.

[Jeanne]

My feelings are so mixed.  Of course this has no bearing on the fact that he wants and could be the most wonderful father..my feelings though are for the woman.

Is it fair to her to know the core of his being and the feeling that it requires a great deal of compromise to how she feels as a wife, mother and a woman.

Also, I   believe everyone should be who they are..and loved because of who they are..and that means he can be himself and father too.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Jeanne

[smac97]

20 minutes ago, thesometimesaint said:

I don't believe it is a good idea for singles to adopt a young child, be they gay or straight. An older teen would potentially benefit from such, but the demands of a young child make such an adoption unwise.

I agree with you regarding a single person adopting a young child.  Even a full-time-stay-at-home parent can feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caring for a young child.

Thanks,

-Smac

[The Nehor]

I toyed with the idea of adopting a while back and decided against it. It was a tough decision.

[Calm]

Perhaps he could try fostering to begin with to see if he is capable of managing the needs of the child and his own first.

[Sleeper Cell]

1 hour ago, thesometimesaint said:

I don't believe it is a good idea for singles to adopt a young child, be they gay or straight. An older teen would potentially benefit from such, but the demands of a young child make such an adoption unwise.

Are you actually hinting that the best interests of the child should trump the desires of those who wish to adopt?

It may come as a surprise to some that I do not oppose single parent or even gay single parent adoption in every instance.  I can even think of possible situations where it may be the best option.  But in most instances, I would oppose it because I believe it would not be in the best interests of the child.  

[thesometimesaint]

2 minutes ago, Sleeper Cell said:

Are you actually hinting that the best interests of the child should trump the desires of those who wish to adopt?

It may come as a surprise to some that I do not oppose single parent or even gay single parent adoption in every instance.  I can even think of possible situations where it may be the best option.  But in most instances, I would oppose it because I believe it would not be in the best interests of the child.  

Pretty much so. If a person has no/very limited ability to take care of a young child then the best interests of the child should take precedence. An older teen of course should have more of a say in where they go. 

My niece was a single mother who had no real ability to take care of a preteen. She offered him to us to adopt. We refused, but instead took him in and raised him like our own. We always taught him to love and respect his mother,

[RevTestament]

2 hours ago, smac97 said:

5. Your son may have heard of Josh Weed, who has created quite a stir by publicly declaring that he is A) homosexual, B) happily married to a woman, and C) a father of three children.  Ty Mansfield has published a similar narrative.  I was surprised to read these, as I had for quite some time been conditioned by the popular consensus to think that "forcing" a gay man into a "straight" marriage, or even encouraging or allowing such a thing, was horrible.  I can see why.  Compelling someone to marry, whether direct and intentional or unintended and sub rosa (through social pressures inherent in the LDS Church), is not likely to yield long-term positive results in the marital relationship.  But apparently there are some folks who, of their own volition, and with their eyes open from the outset, have successfully figured out how to make a gay-man-married-to-a-woman relationship work.  Personally, while I am very happy for the Weed and Mansfield families, I remain ambivalent about encouraging other gay Latter-day Saints to consider following their footsteps.  I have not been placed in a situation where I have needed to consider offering (or withholding) such encouragement.  I wonder, however, if you might be in that situation now.

Thanks,

-Smac

I am glad you brought this up. Because I think many believe that since they have SSA that they must be gay, and could not be happy with a woman. Josh says he is a homosexual because naked women don't turn him on like men do. Yet, he says he has an incredibly loving relationship with his wife and a happy sex life with her???? To me this is not "homosexual" although he says he is.

He says: "Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection."

In other words on the deepest level love and sexual attraction is in the brain, and not in the pure physical response. One of the "problems" I see in the "gay culture" is that it tends to teach that if you have SSA you cannot fall in love and be happy in a heterosexual relationship.... Josh is proof that ain't so.

To answer the OPs question. No, I don't believe a single parent should adopt, although there may be the rare instance where that may be the best alternative to an abortion, etc. In other words perhaps the only willing family member to a young pregnant single teen is another single family member who is willing to adopt - in that case the adoption would be preferable to abortion.

[VideoGameJunkie]

I think it's in the church handbook that if a member is a single mother and has a child, and it doesn't look like the mother will marry the father, then the woman should talk to LDS family services and put the child up for adoption so it can be sealed to parents in the temple.

[readstoomuch]

I don`t think it is optimum for single people to adopt children, but I don`t run their life.  If a person is single, worthy and has the qualifications to adopt a child, then I think it becomes a personal decision and what the law allows.  

[Paddy]

I am pretty sure there is something in the handbook about this already. There is something about singles either adopting or using ivf to have children. It was either strongly discouraged or subject to church discipline. Sorry for being vague. Someone with a handbook should be able to clarify. In that case it does not matter about sexual orientation just that they are single. 

[Kenngo1969]

I'm my only child, and trust me: I'm a handful!

Seriously, whenever possible (allowing for the myriad situations which deviate from the ideal) children need and deserve both a mother and a father.

Adoption isn't about the adopting parent(s).  It's about the child.

But I'm a single, never-married, confirmed, childless bachelor of whom it can safely be said that none of those states is unlikely to change.  Whaddo I know?

[Storm Rider]

19 hours ago, Thinking said:

Here's the background.

• My son has come out as gay.
• He is currently active LDS and desires to have a family.
• He would like to find a girl who would accept and love him for who he is.
• He, my wife, and I had a conversation last night about the possibility of finding such a girl.

I personally think it will be difficult for him to find a girl to marry. During our conversation I mentioned the possibility of adopting a child as a single man. I'm curious what the members of this board think about this situation.

Thanks.

Hello Thinking,

I continue to believe that all things are possible if we have faith in God and are willing to accept his will for our lives.  Having said that I acknowledge that my wants and wishes will almost definitely change over my lifetime.  Things that I thought were important will become unimportant and those things that I did not value will become of prime importance.

How do I support, not only my own, but the goals of others?  I acknowledge them, discuss them, try and understand why they are goals and direct efforts to aligning those goals with God's will for our lives.  It is being completely open to supporting them as they find God's will and then continuing to support them on the path they choose.  At times they, we, will not choose to follow God's will.  We can be as rational as possible in our conversation and in many, if not most, choices we can support them to one degree or another.  There will be times where we draw a line and can go no further.  In a mutually loving relationship that is acceptable. 

May God continue to bless each member of your family.  It appears that our Father is actively engaged in your lives; may it always be so. 

[Maidservant]

What are the chances of him finding a young woman with SSA and with similar desires, values, and goals for family?  They could support and understand each other in their strengths and struggles.

[Bernard Gui]

How would the Church prevent anyone from adopting a child?

 

[The Nehor]

1 minute ago, Bernard Gui said:

How would the Church prevent anyone from adopting a child?

They couldn't. Just like they can't prevent a man from getting a vasectomy but both are discouraged in the CHI.

I was toying with adopting an early teen or older child a few years back and found out the CHI advised against it. Kind of sad but I guess I will go with it. One day I will find that strange woman that desires me and who I desire.

[Paddy]

There is nothing in the handbook the prohibits single persons from adopting or fostering.  The emphasis on single sisters who fall pregnant out of wedlock to offer their children for adoption would suggest it is not recommended. 

 

Single sisters who opt for artificial insemination are in a worst situation as the quote from CHI 1 shows (mods please remove if not allowed). 

 

"Artificial insemination of single sisters is not approved. Single sisters who deliberately refuse to follow the counsel of church leaders in this matter are subject to church discipline." Pg 186