The Truth About Singles In The Church

[bluebell]

Yet another reason why single women in the church are reluctant to speak up or share their feelings. Because - surely - we are just oozing with resentment over our single status. I guess we are not allowed to have even momentary feelings of sadness or pain - our feelings must certainly be categorized as some negative (and therefore, inappropriate, emotion).

I was merely providing an example of those who put actions behind their words. That they don't stop at standing up and giving pretty speeches over the pulpit.

I was giving an example of a faith group who also puts great emphasis on marriage and family and what they ACTIVELY do about it that is different from the LDS church. That example being the fact that it is common for Orthodox Jews to ACTIVELY help single people find marriage by doing things such as introducing compatible singles that they know to each other. That was just one of a whole host of examples that I could give you within Orthodox Judaism. The point being - again - that they don't just preach it, they do something about it.

Yes, I do think there is more that the church - as authorities and as individuals- could do on behalf of singles. Specifically, older singles. Beyond some stakes calling someone to be a rep for older singles..and that being the total extent of the action.....I don't see any support for older singles that is being done by the church and not by the singles themselves. In my last ward, we organized a FHE group for older singles. We did that. Not the church.

Now before the lectures on self-reliance, etc. start....yeah, I get that. And I/we do that. To degrees that the church and married people are probably oblivious to. We aren't sitting around waiting for our EC to magically show up on our doorstep. We aren't sitting around, period. We continue on with our lives being valuable (although often unrecognized) members of the church and having great, fulfilling lives in many other ways.

But if you are going to teach a plan of salvation in which marriage and family are vital, then you should strive to do as much as possible to help make that happen for EVERYONE. And - as illustrated by my one (apparently objectionable) example - there are many, many more ways - creative ways- that everyone can be helping everyone else in this regard. Are we not all on this path together?

"Singles activities" aren't a one-size-fits-all magical answer. To this subject or others. It reminds me of a conversation I was privy to in my last ward - one in which a VT asked her single teachee where she had spent Thanksgiving. The single woman responded that she had spent it alone in her rented room, having no family in this part of the country, not being invited to anyone's home for Thanksgiving, not being invited to go along with her landlady for dinner at the landlady's daughter's house, and not being allowed by the landlady to invite anyone over to host a meal herself ( or having another venue in which to host). The VT responded with the comment "I thought they had single's activities for that". As though single people are a separate species that should only mingle with other single people. As though married people should never concern themselves with things such as how their single teachee might be spending a holiday because "singles' activities" are the answer to everything.

So, yeah, I do think there are things that everyone can be doing to help everyone else along the road to marriage and family. Should there be some sort of commanded obligation? Items on a job description checklist? That's not what I am saying. I am saying that if we believe what we teach/preach, then we need to put actions behind those words and there are many, many ways to do that beyond calling a single's rep and doing nothing beyond that.

And we also need to make single people feel valuable as the single person they are. And not just some after-thought in a lesson. Or a never-thought.

I was just asking for clarification of your position. Nothing more.

I don't think I said anything that should be interpreted as a judgemental or snarky.

[VideoGameJunkie]

Being older and single in the LDS church is a very sensitive topic for many, since our ONLY chance at exaltation and eternal life is being sealed to a spouse in the temple.

[Raingirl]

Maybe I am out of the loop, but I've never seen any pushing of older men to be remarried to the point it was better to marry a nonmember than remain single.

And you do appear to be saying this is a widespread attitude in the Church, telling women they shouldn't be hoping and instead just silently wait until the next life.

****Add-on: now that you have written another post, it appears again that you are limiting it to your local area. Could ou clarify just to be sure, thank you.****

If this is something you see as widespread and possibly even among higher leadership, could you point out where you have come across it in teachings and talks to clarify. As I said above, I've seen some of the opposite attitude, but I am surprised you've encountered this and it would help to hear more specifics to understand where you have seen it coming from?

Add-on 2: studies have shown in the general population that widowers are much more likely to get remarried than widows and those men who saw their marriages as happy ones are even more prone to do so then men who did not, so it does not surprise me that inside the Church many widowers do get remarried especially as there is no sealing issue for them as might occur for widows. The ones I've known have been men getting to know female friends on a deeper level rather than brand new acquaintances, they have all been friends of their late wives and LDS. I wonder how common this actually is.

 

I am done with this thread after I finish this post.

 

This is exactly why so many of the older single women I know have given up on expressing their feelings about being single in this church.  The married people in particular are dismissive of their experiences and want "proof" of the things they experience.  Apparently to prove that they are "wrong".

 

Why not simply respond with compassion?  Why attempt to de-legitimize someone's experience?  Do people think they are akin to being an anti-Mormon and are simply trying to make the church look bad?  Why would they do that?  It would make much more sense in that instance to simply leave the church, especially knowing it would actually increase their chances of being married (again).

 

Why not say something like...wow, I am sorry that you have had those experiences and are hurting - what can I as an individual do to help?  Instead, the immediate conclusion is that it can't possibly be true.

 

And of course the widowers in the church are much more likely to remarry.  That is reflective of the world in general, for one thing.  When a man decides to marry or re-marry, he is lauded for having his priorities straight.  When it is a woman, she is often looked upon with suspicion - she's a gold-digger, she's needy, she's dependent - the list goes on.  I even see younger (non-Mormon) co-workers who still value marriage and family - despite society's attempt to convince them otherwise - be judged negatively for their desires by both men and women.  That they are somehow weak or lacking in some way because they want to marry some day.

 

Widowers in the church don't have a sealing impediment.  They can have any number of wives.  We have a widower who recently moved into the ward and it's been about a year since he re-entered (it was his second wife) widower status and there has already been talk which makes it clear that to many (most?) it is inconceivable that he should be left alone for long and that wife # 3 will be found for him shortly.  Member or non-member. Doesn't matter so long as he's not alone in the mortal world.

 

I've seen the same attitude with divorced men in the church.  Sure, there's a slight hurdle to get over as regards sealings,  but they still get married over and over again.

 

And if you think this is relegated to only this ward or this stake....well, you would be wrong.

 

So, yeah, I am done with this conversation.  It's just more of the same of what older single women in the church experience....we don't believe you, the church is perfect so you must be doing something wrong, etc.

 

And we wonder why some people look outside the church for help or answers.

[Calm]

"The married people in particular are dismissive of their experiences and want "proof" of the things they experience. Apparently to prove that they are "wrong".

I said I was out of the loop, not you. My apologies for not being clear. Never would claim because I haven't experienced or notice something, it didn't happen. There are lots of things I've missed due to not being around, first because I was always in junior primary, now my health limits my activity a great deal. Given the ways I know people have messed up with implications of LDS doctrine as well as some of the less helpful aspects of our culture, I have no doubt there are more things that are problems than I know about. Just looking to understand better so I can pick up on the nuances where in the past I have appeared to miss at least some of them.

Like the comment made about my husband being a target for single sisters if I was often absent and had him go to church activities on his own. I didn't process what that was implying about the single sisters in the stake, just focused on what that might imply about my husband. I realized later, but too late to say something about it. I find it quite inappropriate now thinking back to suggest that there would be sisters looking to take advantage of the situation if I wasn't at my husband's side to prove he was mine. If I had realized what she had implied about my single sisters, I would have spoken up about it then.

I figure if I want to help and best express compassion and support change, I need to understand first what is wrong and what is happening to the best of my ability. Which is why I asked you for more information, not for proof it had occurred in the first place.

Not expecting you to respond btw, just clarifying.

--------

The expectation of men in my experience, though of course that doesn't mean it is the general experience, is they get remarried because they don't want to take care of themselves. They are used to having a wife take care of a lot of the day to day stuff and miss it when gone.

Iirc though, it is the depth of the emotional companionship rather than the dependence of a husband on his late wife that is most indicative of likelihood to be remarried in the research. The higher rate of men being remarried is an interesting reverse of earlier expectation because our culture, especially outside the Church, but also to some extent within it, looks on women as the ones who are more intent on marriage and men get married primarily to have easy access to sex, women must domesticate men, men are natural polygynists, etc. etc. (not saying I agree with these, just the stereotypes exist). The goldigger, etc. stereotype is more common for women then men, though the media at least is starting to push the trophy husband for older woman in their storylines. That doesn't work in our LDS culture. I don't know the level of denigration of men for wanting a caregiving wife, which stereotype does work in our culture. Most often it seems to be very mild in my experience.

Edited September 5, 2015 by calmoriah

[Lightbearer]

I believe that I can make an authoritative statement on being single in the Church considering that I was single for 43 years and was born in the Church and baptized at age 8 and served a full time Mission and remained active and faithful to the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. It was tough being single, a status that I always hoped was temporary and thanks be to God it was. My take on the entire situation is yes it is very hard being single in the Church, yes it was a trial. But I would not change how things happened even if I could. That sounds strange of course, but we often learn obedience and patience by the things we suffer. Being single was a learning experience, but never ever did I consign myself to being single forever or to just wait to the Millenium, I actively dated as we were counseled. I attended institute, YSA and SA activities and conferences and dances but it seemed as if I would never find the right person. Although I met and dated many wonderful women none were right, a couple of times I came close but it was not to be. Yet I never gave up hope. I never dated nonmembers...or at least only three times two of which were blind dates set up by members and one was an odd situation, it was a woman who came to a church dance who I dated a couple of times until I discovered that her divorce was not yet final! But I told her to see me after it was final and I ended up baptizing her but did not marry her either. The worse part of being single in the Church was the constant questions of when I was going to marry? I usually gave the terse statement: When I find someone I want to marry that wants to marry me! This usually defused an uncomfortable situation. Most did not realize these questions could be so hurtful. But I do not believe for a second that this was an institutional policy in the church. Yes being married is the only way to exaltation that is doctrine, we cannot change these facts, but we can have faith hope and charity which will sustain us in all our trials including our singleness. When I first returned from my mission I expected to meet Molly Mormon, fall in love and go to the Temple. Well it did not happen that way. For a while I thought maybe I was not doing something right, then I realized that the world in which we live is not a perfect world, it was not a fairytale in which we lived happily ever after. It takes a lot of faith, patience, and charity and also to realize the person of your dreams may not exist...or she may be too young to get married! Or she may be unable to have children, or not be a perfect 10, but she will probably be the right one for you. I always hated the phrase there are lots of fish in the sea! Or maybe you should date someone closer to your age. Or worse of all maybe you need to date nonmembers!

There are certain seasons in life and sometimes the right time for one person is not and often is not the same time for another.

I met my wife to be at a Single Adult dance I crashed at a Singles Conference at our Stake Center, when we first met...she asked me to dance! It was not a Sadie Hawkins dance, but I had the policy of never turning down a woman that asked me to dance. She was one of three girls that I met and danced with that night. But then she did something unexpected, she asked me again! After that I followed her around the rest of the evening and we exchanged numbers. She also invited me to another singles dance in her stake over 300 miles away! I committed to go and went the next week. While there I did something unthinkable for a straight laced RM like myself but I remembered a blessing given to me when I was called to a position in the Elders Quorum to BE BOLD! So when I danced with her I kissed her right on the dance floor without even asking...she did not slap my face and later I was invited to attend the Temple when she received her endowments for the first time. Which I did and we both received spiritual confirmation that we were supposed to be married.

In the mean time she underwent a kidney transplant operation which was successful and in four months from the time we met we were married in the Temple. Now the important part of this very personal story was that it did not fit into the mold of the world of conventional wisdom, either the worlds or many in the Church. First I was 10 years older than my wife, if we had met when I first returned from my Mission she would have been 12! Second she had serious health problems, but instead of being scared off I told her we could handle it. Third I proposed to her less than a month after we met. Fourth it was a long distance relationship in which I drove over 200 miles one way every weekend before we got married. Another point was she was the one who approached me first which is not considered the correct way in some cultures although not so much in the current generation.

We were married in the Temple and we learned to love each other more than we loved ourselves. That I believe is the great secret, we must be willing to sacrifice our on desires for the one we love.

We have been married for 13 years and still going strong. My advice to those who remain single is never give up, never date those who do not abide by your standards, and try not to be offended by married people who do not remember what it was like to be single. Do not be envious of those who are happily married but just try to be optimistic and never sell yourself short. Nobody is guaranteed to be married in this life but if we have the righteous desires of an eternal marriage and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ fully we will receive the desires of our hearts either in this life or in the world to come.

[MorningStar]

Being single in the church is not fun. Then I think of all the screwed up marriages I see that are grinding friends and acquaintances down and then I don't feel......so bad!

I like how you sang that last part.

[The Nehor]

I like how you sang that last part.

I just hope I do not sound like Julie Andrews.

[Stargazer]

I believe that I can make an authoritative statement on being single in the Church considering that I was single for 43 years and was born in the Church and baptized at age 8 and served a full time Mission and remained active and faithful to the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. It was tough being single, a status that I always hoped was temporary and thanks be to God it was. My take on the entire situation is yes it is very hard being single in the Church, yes it was a trial. But I would not change how things happened even if I could.

<snip />

We have been married for 13 years and still going strong. My advice to those who remain single is never give up, never date those who do not abide by your standards, and try not to be offended by married people who do not remember what it was like to be single. Do not be envious of those who are happily married but just try to be optimistic and never sell yourself short. Nobody is guaranteed to be married in this life but if we have the righteous desires of an eternal marriage and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ fully we will receive the desires of our hearts either in this life or in the world to come.

 

I love your story!

As to the woman being bold and asking a man to dance, sure it is unusual in our culture, but it is not thank goodness forbidden. I am reminded that there are cultures in the world where the woman is told whom she will marry regardless of any feelings she might have, and some where both husband and wife have no choice in the matter. I think I prefer ours.

[Meadowchik]

We had one guy in our ward suffer through a lot of medical issues on his mission. I don't know the details of all the medical procedures he went through but the just went through his mission and endured all of it. He came home and they finally found out he has a brain tumor. I don't know the prognosis of his condition but it sad he just did not come home earlier.

My good friend served in South Africa and was forced by her MP to take a vaccine she'd already had...as a result she had a terrible reaction, got the disease and was sick for the duration and two years after that! She almost died.

She did have trouble conceiving initially but now has two. However, she suffers from severe allergies and other issues, presumably bc of all this.

It's a good thing her husband is a personal trainer/health guru or she might not be alive today, and certainly not enjoying the quality of life she now has.

[guerreiro9]

Are you for real?

You're calling for a CFR on my personal experiences within the church?

How about a CFR from you?

Can you provide documentation that you have personally spoken to the individuals to whom I have had these conversations with and that they have confirmed to you that we did not have these conversations? Can you provide documentation that you even know the names of the brethren with whom I have had these conversations?

Can you CFR for the forum every personal experience you ever speak of? Or should we make the same assumption as you have made about me? That of being a liar?

Yes I'm for real, stay calm. If by "The Brethren" you are referring to men in your ward then of course I would not expect a reference.

If by the "The Brethren" you are referring to the general authorities of the church as is the traditional usage of the phrase then yes I would like to see a reference.

If men in your ward are saying this to you they are asses.

-guerreiro9

[GingerRed]

I can definitely relate.....

 

Being single my whole 57 years hasn't exactly been a bed of roses either.  You all talk about the widows and the widowers and the divorced.....what about us never marrieds?   I think we get the worst rep of all!

 

Just cause we never married, we are immediately thought of as ...there's something 'wrong' with us. Never mind that we can be happy, functional, have jobs we love , many people in our lives we care about, and are contributing members of society. Even a lot of the really good looking never marrieds, are labeled as such. It's a stigma I think is very unfair judgement.

 

I've been in and out of love. I've been dumped....and I've been the dump-ee.   I've have a couple of nice, romantic serious relationships. Just never lead to marriage. But that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me! I just haven't found the right person....yet.

 

I try to lighten the situation by stating that at least I come with no 'divorce baggage '...( no offense to the divorced folks). I have no children, so the man doesn't have to worry about impressing and getting along with my kids. I'm not tied down anywhere. I can spend all my free time with no distractions, focusing on getting to know a guy and spending quality time with him. Hey we're not so bad!   I'm fun, creative, trustworthy, spontaneous, love to laugh, love to spoil my man.  I love the Gospel, I love my Lord, I do my best to strive to be the best I can. Give us a chance!  

 

As far as my family ward goes, I do have to admit I'm blessed in that respect. Great Bishop, good ward members. I don't feel invisible and ignored, like I have in past family wards. My HT's are an older married couple and they are lovely people. That's what they do in my ward, they always assign a couple as HT's to the single sisters. My VT's are good, never miss a month. I was called as ward Librarian a few months ago and I'm doing my best to make some good changes to make the Library more efficient.  I've learned you got to give, to receive. You can't just sit there in Sacrament all pouty and sad. You got to be positive. You got to smile at everyone you pass by. Let the members get to know you!  However even as good as my ward is...I'd still rather go to a single adult ward if there was one!  There's just that oneness ...that bond we all share of being in the same boat together. No one judges you, looks down on you, ignores you. We understand each other in a way no married person possibly can. I loved my single adult wards! Unfortunately, older single wards no longer exist. Nothing left now but mid-singles which cut off at age  45. 46 and up...buh bye out you go! 

 

I probably won't ever marry. The older I get the less likely, and less appealing I become. But It's okay. I'm content with my life. I just need to worry about my own happiness and salvation.  That's what really matters.

 

 

Red

[Tacenda]

It really feels weird for me to be thinking about this, but this subject is necessarily beginningto slink into my concerns. Many of you know that I will soon become a 64-year old widowed single. My wife and I have briefly discussed the subject that I might become remarried, and she seems to think that I will do so. But she hasn't required it of me. I think I am about the same age as Garden Girl when she was widowed.

Is there going to be some sort of pressure in the Church for me to remarry at some point? Am I going to be called into the Bishop's office at some point to have him ask "How's your love life?" As happened to me 6 months after my mission -- which at the time wasn't an unwelcome attention, I hasten to point out. But this time? Yikes, I will say at this point that I don't want to remarry. I feel like I could put up with some "sacred loneliness" for however many years remain to me. But I will be coming to an age when I might consider going on a senior mission, and I don't believe the Church will send single males, even seniors, out on missions without a spouse to accompany them.

And even more ominously, several years ago my wife identified an older never-married sister in our ward as an "approved" future spouse if she were to die, or if the Church brought plural marriage back. I passed it off then as kind of a whimsical notion back then -- but now? Fortunately, she hasn't brought up this sister in this context since we got our terminal diagnosis, so perhaps she won't hold me to it in the event?

On the other hand, for some sister who missed her chance to marry and thought it would never happen, could I now be a welcome surprise in her life? Perhaps you can imagine how goofy this sounds to me.

I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling about all this. I want to crawl into a deep hole and hide.

Long ago I was told to just continue on my life's path in righteousness, and the Lord would guide me. I must therefore trust in Him.

I met a single sister who was widowed, serving in Salt Lake at the Church History Library a couple of years ago. They should let single widowed men serve also!

[Tacenda]

Hello Stargazer...

You, and your wife, have been in my prayers... I was 58 when I was widowed...

I don't think you will face pressure to remarry from formal sources like the bishop... but as a single, marriageable, faithful LDS man, you must expect there will be those trying to "fix you up" with the senior sisters in your ward/stake... Who knows? In time... time... you very well could be a welcome surprise to some sister who perhaps never married, or one who now finds herself alone and single. It may not seem so now because you can't imagine it... but it could eventually be a blessing for you to remarry. I agree that you should just continue on living the gospel, honoring your priesthood, and trusting in the Lord to guide you. And don't jump into anything too quickly... but don't turn away either... rely on the Lord to guide you.

The most difficult times for me at first were the evenings when I would remember the ones with my husband... sitting together holding hands as we watched TV... or just talking... or playing scrabble... walking... simply sharing...

It's been 17 years now... and I'm content... alone but not really lonely, except now and then I feel my aloneness... I have a surprisingly full life in spite of having no children. My artwork helps because I take joy in losing myself in a painting or drawing... and there's friends... and then there's Bob.... I don't dare get started on all the cute, laugh-out-loud funny things this cat does... or how beautiful and smart he is... I mean really smart... makes me wonder sometimes, just what goes on in that little head of his, and his purpose...

Well, I'm rambling... something i seem to do more of lately... sigh...

All good wishes... Prayers... GG

This may sound way out there, but often wonder if our deceased loved ones pass on somewhat to being our pets. Or living somehow in our pets. In a doable way, like in communication.

[Stargazer]

This may sound way out there, but often wonder if our deceased loved ones pass on somewhat to being our pets. Or living somehow in our pets. In a doable way, like in communication.

 

I don't know about that, but if my sweetie were to "pass on somewhat to being" a pet, the government wouldn't let me keep her.  Because she would be a lioness!!!  I imagine her as Nala, from "The Lion King".  And I would be her Simba.

[readstoomuch]

My first wife died at a young age from cancer leaving me as a single parent with two small children. There was actually a bit of pressure for me to remarry, especially from my wife's family. Was living in a sparse Lds population. I dated some non members who unfortunately would get handy despite the chastity talk. Three dates and there seemed to be some expectation that something was going to happen. Not all women were interested in mothering my children. Some single sisters were very involved in their lives and didn't seem to want to settle down from their travels and adventures. Little kids would make that hard. Divorced women couldn't seem to trust a man again, though that wasn't uniform, but seemed common, it was weird to be single in a family Church.

There were some powerful manifestations from God about being ok despite being single and that I would be blessed. I met a single woman with no kids and we married. We had two more together and have been very happy. We try hard to include the single people in our ward. We both have been there.

[bluebell]

I met a single sister who was widowed, serving in Salt Lake at the Church History Library a couple of years ago. They should let single widowed men serve also!

They used to let single men do short missions there sponsored by their stake but quit because too many were going just to find wives, and they weren't all on the up and up.

My own grandma got taken advantage of by such a man when she served her mission there. I'm glad they changed the policy.

[Duncan]

There's a lady I know served a mission maybe 20 years ago. She is seriously and no offense intended but she is the perfect candidate for a Nun. She got married to this guy, who eventually got exed from the Church and it's an abusive situation that i've talked about before. I wish sometimes that the Church could have girls like that, who can just serve somewhere for like 20 years or forever like a Nun does. They don't have to worry about guys and jobs. I think this lady would just be so much better off without him and would be happy as a peach just serving in an orphanage or other humanitarian service. I just think, and I don't know what the percentages are, but a lot of girls in the Church, no matter how righteous they are won't get married and many drift away. I wish there was something that they could do without worrying about men and not feeling like losers because they aren't married (not all do but some). Anything is better than what this lady has and I wish she could just do service forever, she would be just so happy. A Mormon convent is what I am talking about

[Garden Girl]

This may sound way out there, but often wonder if our deceased loved ones pass on somewhat to being our pets. Or living somehow in our pets. In a doable way, like in communication.

 

Hello Tacenda... hope this finds you doing better...

I'm going to answer your question sincerely because I believe it is sincerely asked and not just "way out there." 

No, I don't think our loved ones become our pets or communicate through our pets... I believe that the animals were created for their own purposes, which of  course we have no clue about... except that we were given dominion over them...  But I do have to tell you, Tacenda, Bob's behaviors have given me pause more than once... for instance, he will meow and meow when he wants me to put food in his dish (I have to space it or he will get sick)... so If I ignore him (and I'm sitting in my big chair), he will jump up on the arm of the chair and stand close to me, completely still, almost like a Pointer hunting dog... if I continue to ignore him, he will take his paw and paw at my arm again and again... like, get up!... so, I get up and he jumps down and runs to his dish.  Of course I put food in his dish...

He has figured this out... if he can't get my attention by meowing, he goes a step further, and the way he does it shows more than just instinct...

I could list a dozen different things he does that really make me marvel, and sometimes laugh out loud... I suspect that this closeness comes from my being single and alone... and just him and me... our lives are so intertwined that we just move together through our days... for instance, Bob likes to burrow under the towel I have covering my big chair (to keep hair off, etc) because he likes to take over my chair and nap... so when I'm sitting at the table, etc., he'll sit in front of the chair and will give me this look as he touches the towel with his nose... I know what he wants, so I get up and walk over and lift up the towel.  He jumps up into the seat and I cover him up as he settles down to sleep.  I have to sit on the couch...

I think being alone, and living one and one with Bob, there is this bond of understanding that has developed that is very special.  But I think it is simply him.  And that one day he will go to whatever sphere he was created for... I can only hope that somehow I will be able to associate with him... who knows, maybe then he will actually be able to talk and we can have a lot of good laughs at our times we spent together... like how he doesn't like me to talk on the phone... so like a little kid he gets into things... like opening up the cupboard doors.  So when I get off the phone I have to go around closing doors. 

Yes, he does give me pause, but it's just the way he is...

 

GG

[juliann]

I can definitely relate.....

 

Being single my whole 57 years hasn't exactly been a bed of roses either.  You all talk about the widows and the widowers and the divorced.....what about us never marrieds?   I think we get the worst rep of all!

 

You are so right about the never marrieds. And I do think there is greater stigma. It is easier for me to handle the nonstop marriage/family lessons as a widow because I've been there. But it still would be nice to have something relevant to my life once in awhile.

[juliann]

Yes I'm for real, stay calm.

Just a suggestion....never tell women who are reasonably expressing their opinions to "calm down." It is a gendered insult.

[Tacenda]

You are so right about the never marrieds. And I do think there is greater stigma. It is easier for me to handle the nonstop marriage/family lessons as a widow because I've been there. But it still would be nice to have something relevant to my life once in awhile.

Someone needs to pass this along to church leaders, surely they're aware though. I've a friend who has never married, she had an opportunity once but didn't feel right about it. She says she'll hopefully have a husband in the hereafter. She never enjoyed going to RS Meetings, maybe this could be why. Edited September 8, 2015 by Tacenda

[Tacenda]

Hello Tacenda... hope this finds you doing better...

I'm going to answer your question sincerely because I believe it is sincerely asked and not just "way out there." 

No, I don't think our loved ones become our pets or communicate through our pets... I believe that the animals were created for their own purposes, which of  course we have no clue about... except that we were given dominion over them...  But I do have to tell you, Tacenda, Bob's behaviors have given me pause more than once... for instance, he will meow and meow when he wants me to put food in his dish (I have to space it or he will get sick)... so If I ignore him (and I'm sitting in my big chair), he will jump up on the arm of the chair and stand close to me, completely still, almost like a Pointer hunting dog... if I continue to ignore him, he will take his paw and paw at my arm again and again... like, get up!... so, I get up and he jumps down and runs to his dish.  Of course I put food in his dish...

He has figured this out... if he can't get my attention by meowing, he goes a step further, and the way he does it shows more than just instinct...

I could list a dozen different things he does that really make me marvel, and sometimes laugh out loud... I suspect that this closeness comes from my being single and alone... and just him and me... our lives are so intertwined that we just move together through our days... for instance, Bob likes to burrow under the towel I have covering my big chair (to keep hair off, etc) because he likes to take over my chair and nap... so when I'm sitting at the table, etc., he'll sit in front of the chair and will give me this look as he touches the towel with his nose... I know what he wants, so I get up and walk over and lift up the towel.  He jumps up into the seat and I cover him up as he settles down to sleep.  I have to sit on the couch...

I think being alone, and living one and one with Bob, there is this bond of understanding that has developed that is very special.  But I think it is simply him.  And that one day he will go to whatever sphere he was created for... I can only hope that somehow I will be able to associate with him... who knows, maybe then he will actually be able to talk and we can have a lot of good laughs at our times we spent together... like how he doesn't like me to talk on the phone... so like a little kid he gets into things... like opening up the cupboard doors.  So when I get off the phone I have to go around closing doors. 

Yes, he does give me pause, but it's just the way he is...

 

GG

Doing well!  Thank you for making me feel a lot saner in that you wondered that too.  Honestly, when looking at my little Yorkie before his passing, I'd wonder who was in that little body. 

[Saint Sinner]

I remember my sister asking my father what he'd do if my mother were to pass. He said, "I wouldn't get remarried because that means I'd have to be retrained." At which point my mother slapped the back of his head.

[Stargazer]

I remember my sister asking my father what he'd do if my mother were to pass. He said, "I wouldn't get remarried because that means I'd have to be retrained." At which point my mother slapped the back of his head.

 

Head-slapping or not, that is a cast-iron truth.  I don't know if I could even BE retrained in that event.  Or even if I'd want to be.

[guerreiro9]

Just a suggestion....never tell women who are reasonably expressing their opinions to "calm down." It is a gendered insult.

If someone is reasonably expressing their opinion, man or woman, I will not ask them to stay calm. If someone is overreacting, man or woman, I will plead for calm.

Are you suggesting that women need not remain calm when expressing their opinion, or when asked to remain calm by a man it's only because said man is sexist?

-guerreiro9