Popular Post cinepro Posted September 4, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 4, 2015 LDS historian and blogger Ardis Parshall has written an excellent article which I think can change how you see single LDS. I know I have probably been guilty of a few of the attitudes she talks about. If you have any interactions with any single LDS, I highly recommend reading it. Single Saints The realization that I wasn’t going to marry was a process, not a moment. Shortly after returning from my disastrous mission, I learned that serving that mission had robbed me of the possibility of children which, in my mind, meant that anyone I could consider marrying would think twice – or more – about marrying me, so I frankly didn’t do much looking. Still, as birthdays came I sometimes wondered if that year would be my year, and the hope of marriage, however slim, stayed in the back of my mind. But eventually, at some point, I accepted reality. I mourned for a while longer, then I put it behind me, pulled up my socks, and finally began living the life that had been on hold for all those years. So when I write about being single, please realize that I am well past interest in talking about where the men are, or why I didn’t marry, or what we can do to encourage marriage for older singles, or any of the other marriage-focused discussions on singles. Single is single; single for Latter-day Saints in my circumstances means single for life. I’m long since past the preparing-for-marriage stage and am well into living-the-life-I-have. At the very least, I hope every Bishop can read this. 5
bluebell Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 This is an aside, but how did serving a mission rob her of the chance of having children? Does she explain that in the article? 3
ttribe Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 This is an aside, but how did serving a mission rob her of the chance of having children? Does she explain that in the article? There's a link embedded in that statement. If you click on it, you'll get to the story. In short, she became very ill and didn't get proper treatment. Left her unable to have children.
TheSkepticChristian Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) There's a link embedded in that statement. If you click on it, you'll get to the story. In short, she became very ill and didn't get proper treatment. Left her unable to have children. Even if that specific story is false, it is true that many missionaries get very sick Some missionaries don't go to the doctor because 1. They don't have time, especially if they are serving in South America without a car, and the mission doctor is very far.2. Faith in God At the very least, I hope every Bishop can read this. I know many LDS singles that want to get married, but they can't for many reasons . Edited September 5, 2015 by TheSkepticChristian
cinepro Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 Even if that specific story is false, I know some return missionaries that got very sick in their missions. Considering the regard in which Ardis is held for her historical research, if her own "history" ended up not being reliable, it would be oddly ironic. 1
Popular Post Traela Posted September 4, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 4, 2015 Let's see- my two oldest children are socially inept, and my two youngest are almost certainly infertile. Maybe I should just print out a dozen copies now for their collective Church leaders. As an aside, is anyone else dismayed that apparently infertility is a deal-breaker for a high percentage of Mormons? Maybe all those YW/YM lessons about the joys of family life need to include a mention of adoption and fostering. 8
Popular Post Garden Girl Posted September 4, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 4, 2015 I've expressed some of my feelings here on the board... about how it feels being single in the Church (widowed for the past 17 years) and virtually ignored, and without children... and now older (75 in a couple months). Living in this area, I could have had "gentleman friends" or more serious through the years if I wanted to go outside the faith. In fact I did have a gentleman friend for about five years... he was non-LDS and a confirmed bachelor and respected my standards... and there was no one at Church, so I just sort of rocked along... and the years have passed by... I do have to say that a year after my husband passed away, I was sealed to him in the Portland Temple... and I "felt" married, and so no pressure to look for a husband. I still feel married. However, I would still like to enjoy an evening out now and again... and there's still no one at Church, and now I'm too old and set in my ways to take it further (a couple of my friends found mates on online LDS dating sites). I get weary of hearing about the glories of being a mother... don't get me wrong, I'm solidly behind the Church's emphasis on home and family, and on motherhood... but... can't we please try and balance out conferences, programs, talks, etc., to include things that address the needs and lives of single sisters (and brothers). A few years ago I was called to head up the program for stake RS Women's Conference... and I made up my mind that the program would include talks/events for single sisters. One talk was titled "One Among Many" by a fabulous LDS woman who became very successful in her career. And an additional talk by another single LDS woman, and then of course I had all the Mother, Home, and Family type talks... but at least there were two wonderful presentations for single sisters and it was much appreciated. I've almost stopped going to Women's conferences because of not being included regularly in any meaningful way... we always get the obligatory "we love our wonderful single sisters" but little if anything else, and the program then proceeds right along with the usual emphasis. I do realize in this day and age the needs of home and families are so much more serious, so I've become more understanding... because I do believe the family is under attack, and the majority of members need to hear the counsel during conference, etc. But please, we need a real presentation or two for singles. GG 9
ttribe Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) Even if that specific story is false, I know some return missionaries that got very sick in their missions. Some missionaries don't go to the doctor because 1. They don't have time, especially if they are serving in South America without a car, and the mission doctor is very far.2. Faith in God. I have seen no evidence that would lead me to believe her story is anything but true. Edited September 4, 2015 by ttribe 1
carbon dioxide Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Even if that specific story is false, I know some return missionaries that got very sick in their missions. Some missionaries don't go to the doctor because 1. They don't have time, especially if they are serving in South America without a car, and the mission doctor is very far.2. Faith in God. We had one guy in our ward suffer through a lot of medical issues on his mission. I don't know the details of all the medical procedures he went through but the just went through his mission and endured all of it. He came home and they finally found out he has a brain tumor. I don't know the prognosis of his condition but it sad he just did not come home earlier.
Popular Post The Nehor Posted September 4, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 4, 2015 Being single in the church is not fun. Then I think of all the screwed up marriages I see that are grinding friends and acquaintances down and then I don't feel......so bad! 8
Popular Post juliann Posted September 4, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 4, 2015 Even if that specific story is false, I know some return missionaries that got very sick in their missions. . Wow, your first reaction is that she made it up? I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I get weary of hearing about the glories of being a mother... don't get me wrong, I'm solidly behind the Church's emphasis on home and family, and on motherhood... but... can't we please try and balance out conferences, programs, talks, etc., to include things that address the needs and lives of single sisters (and brothers). It really is disheartening considering the high numbers of singles. Even more disheartening is that only recognizing their existence before launching into the mother family stuff is becoming more of an insult than ignoring them. It is like announcing, yeah, ok, we know you are there, you still don't matter. I hope to see a general conference talk to singles....one that doesn't just tell them to get married or promise them that life will be better for them when they are dead. 5
VideoGameJunkie Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) "Those who do not marry or those who cannot have children are not excluded from the eternal blessings they seek but which, for now, remain beyond their reach. We do not always know how or when blessings will present themselves, but the promise of eternal increase will not be denied any faithful individual who makes and keeps sacred covenants.Your secret yearnings and tearful pleadings will touch the heart of both the Father and the Son. You will be given a personal assurance from Them that your life will be full and that no blessing that is essential will be lost to you. As a servant of the Lord, acting in the office to which I have been ordained, I give those in such circumstances a promise that there will be nothing essential to your salvation and exaltation that shall not in due time rest upon you. Arms now empty will be filled, and hearts now hurting from broken dreams and yearning will be healed." -Boyd K. Packer Edited September 4, 2015 by VideoGameJunkie
TheSkepticChristian Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Wow, your first reaction is that she made it up? I'm not even sure how to respond to that. No, I said "if" I also said that it is true that many missionaries get very sick and don't go to the doctor because 1. They don't have time, especially if they are serving in South America without a car, and the mission doctor is very far. 2. Faith in God.
Duncan Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 it sucks a lot but as The Nehor said, it's better to be happy and single than miserable and married.
Stargazer Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It really feels weird for me to be thinking about this, but this subject is necessarily beginningto slink into my concerns. Many of you know that I will soon become a 64-year old widowed single. My wife and I have briefly discussed the subject that I might become remarried, and she seems to think that I will do so. But she hasn't required it of me. I think I am about the same age as Garden Girl when she was widowed. Is there going to be some sort of pressure in the Church for me to remarry at some point? Am I going to be called into the Bishop's office at some point to have him ask "How's your love life?" As happened to me 6 months after my mission -- which at the time wasn't an unwelcome attention, I hasten to point out. But this time? Yikes, I will say at this point that I don't want to remarry. I feel like I could put up with some "sacred loneliness" for however many years remain to me. But I will be coming to an age when I might consider going on a senior mission, and I don't believe the Church will send single males, even seniors, out on missions without a spouse to accompany them. And even more ominously, several years ago my wife identified an older never-married sister in our ward as an "approved" future spouse if she were to die, or if the Church brought plural marriage back. I passed it off then as kind of a whimsical notion back then -- but now? Fortunately, she hasn't brought up this sister in this context since we got our terminal diagnosis, so perhaps she won't hold me to it in the event? On the other hand, for some sister who missed her chance to marry and thought it would never happen, could I now be a welcome surprise in her life? Perhaps you can imagine how goofy this sounds to me. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling about all this. I want to crawl into a deep hole and hide. Long ago I was told to just continue on my life's path in righteousness, and the Lord would guide me. I must therefore trust in Him. 2
VideoGameJunkie Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I want to be sealed in the temple so I know my wife and I can be together forever and assume we have at least a small chance at exaltation together for eternity.
strappinglad Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Well, guys, you can always do what one widower here did a couple of months after her passing. He went to the Philipines and found a new wife there. She is a member and somewhat younger. Personally I think it a bit odd but he seems happy.
Stargazer Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Well, guys, you can always do what one widower here did a couple of months after her passing. He went to the Philipines and found a new wife there. She is a member and somewhat younger. Personally I think it a bit odd but he seems happy. Who was that?
Garden Girl Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It really feels weird for me to be thinking about this, but this subject is necessarily beginningto slink into my concerns. Many of you know that I will soon become a 64-year old widowed single. My wife and I have briefly discussed the subject that I might become remarried, and she seems to think that I will do so. But she hasn't required it of me. I think I am about the same age as Garden Girl when she was widowed. Is there going to be some sort of pressure in the Church for me to remarry at some point? Am I going to be called into the Bishop's office at some point to have him ask "How's your love life?" As happened to me 6 months after my mission -- which at the time wasn't anOn the other hand, for some sister who missed her chance to marry and thought it would never happen, could I now be a welcome surprise in her life? Perhaps you can imagine how goofy this sounds to me. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling about all this. I want to crawl into a deep hole and hide. Long ago I was told to just continue on my life's path in righteousness, and the Lord would guide me. I must therefore trust in Him. Hello Stargazer...You, and your wife, have been in my prayers... I was 58 when I was widowed... I don't think you will face pressure to remarry from formal sources like the bishop... but as a single, marriageable, faithful LDS man, you must expect there will be those trying to "fix you up" with the senior sisters in your ward/stake... Who knows? In time... time... you very well could be a welcome surprise to some sister who perhaps never married, or one who now finds herself alone and single. It may not seem so now because you can't imagine it... but it could eventually be a blessing for you to remarry. I agree that you should just continue on living the gospel, honoring your priesthood, and trusting in the Lord to guide you. And don't jump into anything too quickly... but don't turn away either... rely on the Lord to guide you.The most difficult times for me at first were the evenings when I would remember the ones with my husband... sitting together holding hands as we watched TV... or just talking... or playing scrabble... walking... simply sharing... It's been 17 years now... and I'm content... alone but not really lonely, except now and then I feel my aloneness... I have a surprisingly full life in spite of having no children. My artwork helps because I take joy in losing myself in a painting or drawing... and there's friends... and then there's Bob.... I don't dare get started on all the cute, laugh-out-loud funny things this cat does... or how beautiful and smart he is... I mean really smart... makes me wonder sometimes, just what goes on in that little head of his, and his purpose...Well, I'm rambling... something i seem to do more of lately... sigh... All good wishes... Prayers... GG 1
The Nehor Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) Well, guys, you can always do what one widower here did a couple of months after her passing. He went to the Philipines and found a new wife there. She is a member and somewhat younger. Personally I think it a bit odd but he seems happy. I would feel like a borderline sex tourist. It just feels kind of predatory. It really feels weird for me to be thinking about this, but this subject is necessarily beginningto slink into my concerns. Many of you know that I will soon become a 64-year old widowed single. My wife and I have briefly discussed the subject that I might become remarried, and she seems to think that I will do so. But she hasn't required it of me. I think I am about the same age as Garden Girl when she was widowed. Is there going to be some sort of pressure in the Church for me to remarry at some point? Am I going to be called into the Bishop's office at some point to have him ask "How's your love life?" As happened to me 6 months after my mission -- which at the time wasn't an unwelcome attention, I hasten to point out. But this time? Yikes, I will say at this point that I don't want to remarry. I feel like I could put up with some "sacred loneliness" for however many years remain to me. But I will be coming to an age when I might consider going on a senior mission, and I don't believe the Church will send single males, even seniors, out on missions without a spouse to accompany them. And even more ominously, several years ago my wife identified an older never-married sister in our ward as an "approved" future spouse if she were to die, or if the Church brought plural marriage back. I passed it off then as kind of a whimsical notion back then -- but now? Fortunately, she hasn't brought up this sister in this context since we got our terminal diagnosis, so perhaps she won't hold me to it in the event? On the other hand, for some sister who missed her chance to marry and thought it would never happen, could I now be a welcome surprise in her life? Perhaps you can imagine how goofy this sounds to me. I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling about all this. I want to crawl into a deep hole and hide. Long ago I was told to just continue on my life's path in righteousness, and the Lord would guide me. I must therefore trust in Him. There will be plenty of time later to consider this. Right now get through what you are going through and then mourn and then later make decisions like this. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Edited September 5, 2015 by The Nehor 1
Popular Post rpn Posted September 5, 2015 Popular Post Posted September 5, 2015 My dh says that he'll just get a dog when I die, because it's been too hard to figure me out, and he figures anything else will be worse.LOL In this moment, you don't need to think about it or decide, but it comes up in your head where you have to deal with it anyway. Hope these days are passing with some kind of joy and comfort. 5
The Nehor Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It really is disheartening considering the high numbers of singles. Even more disheartening is that only recognizing their existence before launching into the mother family stuff is becoming more of an insult than ignoring them. It is like announcing, yeah, ok, we know you are there, you still don't matter. I hope to see a general conference talk to singles....one that doesn't just tell them to get married or promise them that life will be better for them when they are dead. I am just not sure what they can say. I mean we get plenty of general talks about repentance and tithing and the atonement that are applicable to all. What do you say to singles? Talks on loneliness maybe?
JLHPROF Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 it sucks a lot but as The Nehor said, it's better to be happy and single than miserable and married. Is it?Perhaps in the short term. 1
JLHPROF Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Well, guys, you can always do what one widower here did a couple of months after her passing. He went to the Philipines and found a new wife there. She is a member and somewhat younger. Personally I think it a bit odd but he seems happy. Or we could bring back eternal sealings from the early days of the Church - get sealed to the person of your choice but don't live in a married state until resurrected and perfected.
Robert F. Smith Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 It really feels weird for me to be thinking about this, but this subject is necessarily beginning to slink into my concerns. Many of you know that I will soon become a 64-year old widowed single. My wife and I have briefly discussed the subject that I might become remarried, and she seems to think that I will do so. But she hasn't required it of me. I think I am about the same age as Garden Girl when she was widowed. Is there going to be some sort of pressure in the Church for me to remarry at some point? Am I going to be called into the Bishop's office at some point to have him ask "How's your love life?" ..............................................................................................................................I don't even know how to describe how I am feeling about all this. I want to crawl into a deep hole and hide. Long ago I was told to just continue on my life's path in righteousness, and the Lord would guide me. I must therefore trust in Him.If the bishop gives you a hard time, please note that President Monson's beloved Frances died in 2013, and he hasn't remarried.
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