Popular Post jkwilliams Posted June 13, 2021 Popular Post Posted June 13, 2021 A friend of mine, who makes his living producing church-related materials, told me the other day that he is now in a “mixed-faith marriage.” He asked me what advice I would give after more than a decade in a similar situation. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, and my conclusion is that you have to put the relationship first. If the love you have for each other is the focus of your relationship, you have a fighting chance. As long as your religious differences are the focus, you have little chance of a good outcome. This applies to all family and friend relationships, not just marriages. I’m sure I’m not the only poster here in a mixed-faith relationship. What other things work for you? 11
Popular Post bluebell Posted June 13, 2021 Popular Post Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) I'm not in a mixed religion marriage but I'm in a mixed political beliefs marriage and I think one thing you have to do is find a way to respect each others beliefs even if you find them very flawed. Edited June 13, 2021 by bluebell 13
jkwilliams Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 8 minutes ago, bluebell said: I'm not in a mixed religion marriage but I'm in a mixed political party marriage and I think one thing you have to do is find a way to respect each others beliefs even if you find them very flawed. That might actually be harder. I have that issue with my parents, and I’ve just put it on the back burner in favor of parts of the relationship that don’t involve politics or religion. 1
bluebell Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 2 minutes ago, jkwilliams said: That might actually be harder. I have that issue with my parents, and I’ve just put it on the back burner in favor of parts of the relationship that don’t involve politics or religion. You really do have to make understanding their different perspectives a priority, and finding the value in them, even if you disagree with the way that they go about serving that perspective. Remembering that everyone generally has similar goals, even if they disagree about the ways to achieve them, can help. But both sides have to be respectful for it to really work. If one side is condescending and confrontational then that part of the relationship will always be a bit broken. 3
MrShorty Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 I agree that such a couple must make the relationship more important than the differences of religion. Learn to respect each others' viewpoints even if you don't agree with them. One of the first essays I read on this was by Dr. Willard Harley (author of His Needs Her Needs and other marriage books): https://www.marriagebuilders.com/conflicts-of-faith-part-2.htm where he advocates for a 2 pronged approach -- 1st try to "convert" your spouse so that you are both on the same religious/spiritual page. If that fails, then find compromises using his "policy of joint agreement" to agree to solutions to those problems. More recently, I found a podcast called Marriage on a Tightrope by an LDS/ex-LDS couple documenting and talking about their experiences. 3
jkwilliams Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, bluebell said: You really do have to make understanding their different perspectives a priority, and finding the value in them, even if you disagree with the way that they go about serving that perspective. Remembering that everyone generally has similar goals, even if they disagree about the ways to achieve them, can help. But both sides have to be respectful for it to really work. If one side is condescending and confrontational then that part of the relationship will always be a bit broken. Yep. I’ve tried that. My father does not respect my religious beliefs or my political beliefs. So, I try to show respect for his beliefs and change the subject when he wants to get into mine. 3
bluebell Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 41 minutes ago, jkwilliams said: Yep. I’ve tried that. My father does not respect my religious beliefs or my political beliefs. So, I try to show respect for his beliefs and change the subject when he wants to get into mine. There will always be those people who believe they are justified in eschewing unity and the 2nd great commandment under the guise of 'but i'm right'. 2
CV75 Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 2 hours ago, jkwilliams said: A friend of mine, who makes his living producing church-related materials, told me the other day that he is now in a “mixed-faith marriage.” He asked me what advice I would give after more than a decade in a similar situation. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, and my conclusion is that you have to put the relationship first. If the love you have for each other is the focus of your relationship, you have a fighting chance. As long as your religious differences are the focus, you have little chance of a good outcome. This applies to all family and friend relationships, not just marriages. I’m sure I’m not the only poster here in a mixed-faith relationship. What other things work for you? I'm not in this situation but I would advise the following: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Also, and maybe the same idea, is: the closer we draw to Christ the closer we can find common ground on which to build with loved ones, even spouses who go in another direction on some point or another than we do. Also, the closer we are to Him, the less these kinds of disappointments affect us to the extent (severity, duration) of making us and our loved one unhappy. 2
Tacenda Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, bluebell said: I'm not in a mixed religion marriage but I'm in a mixed political beliefs marriage and I think one thing you have to do is find a way to respect each others beliefs even if you find them very flawed. That's almost as bad! ETA: Wait, it might even be worse. Best of luck bluebell, hopefully the big division in politics will dissipate soon. Edited June 13, 2021 by Tacenda
Popular Post Jane_Doe Posted June 13, 2021 Popular Post Posted June 13, 2021 6 hours ago, jkwilliams said: A friend of mine, who makes his living producing church-related materials, told me the other day that he is now in a “mixed-faith marriage.” He asked me what advice I would give after more than a decade in a similar situation. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, and my conclusion is that you have to put the relationship first. If the love you have for each other is the focus of your relationship, you have a fighting chance. As long as your religious differences are the focus, you have little chance of a good outcome. This applies to all family and friend relationships, not just marriages. I’m sure I’m not the only poster here in a mixed-faith relationship. What other things work for you? Mixed faith marriage here. Love your spouse first and foremost. Acknowledge how their faith makes them who they are, how they love it, and support them on their walk. 10
bluebell Posted June 13, 2021 Posted June 13, 2021 4 hours ago, Tacenda said: That's almost as bad! ETA: Wait, it might even be worse. Best of luck bluebell, hopefully the big division in politics will dissipate soon. Luckily, it hasn't been that bad. I let him rant when he needs to and we agree on a lot because we are both conservatives, so that is helpful. I don't know that a right wing conservative and a left wing liberal could pull it off. It seems like animosity would be a consistent part of their marriage.
jkwilliams Posted June 13, 2021 Author Posted June 13, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, bluebell said: Luckily, it hasn't been that bad. I let him rant when he needs to and we agree on a lot because we are both conservatives, so that is helpful. I don't know that a right wing conservative and a left wing liberal could pull it off. It seems like animosity would be a consistent part of their marriage. Understood. I’m a conservative, and my father is a capital-T conservative. Makes life interesting. Edited June 13, 2021 by jkwilliams 1
Fair Dinkum Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 (edited) While there have always been mixed faith marriages in the church, what seems to be a new phenomenon is formerly temple sealed marriage in ever increasing numbers that have transitioned to mixed faith marriages. This kind of mixed faith marriage seems to be the kind that create the most challenges and wedge issues for the couples involved. Where as those who marry someone not of the faith go into their marriage knowing upfront that they are in a relationship of mixed faith, the temple sealed couple, have to deal with the difficulties brought on when one of the spouses loses faith and decide to abandon their temple covenants, those specific to allegance to the church and commitment to the church. There could also be changes in behavior in other Mormon Centric values, such as support for the LGTQ+ community, abandoning WoW restrictions and changes in dressing habits etc. Added to this is the compelte change in worldview from seeing the world through a Mormon lens to one through a non-believing lens. Each of these changes result in land mines that must be individually navigated for the former temple married couple. I recently heard a metaphor that seems to capture how to successfully navigate a mixed faith marriage. If you picture a field of yellow flowers with a single red flower in the middle of the field. Successful mixed faith marriage focus on the yellow while unsuccessful marriage focus entirely on the red. In other words focusing on the things that the couple still have in common rather than their differences can help in navigating this difficult situation. I personally feel that we are only seeing the beginning of this phenomenon and that with the passage of time it will become much more common for former temple married couples to have to face the challenges of navigating a mixed faith marriage. Fortunately the church also recognizes this sea change and is providing supportive articles in church publications that address this issue. Articles about how couples in this situation should continue to love and support each other is a positive step and in contrast to a former age when couple were counciled to divorce. Edited June 14, 2021 by Fair Dinkum 4
Vanguard Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 21 hours ago, jkwilliams said: Yep. I’ve tried that. My father does not respect my religious beliefs or my political beliefs. So, I try to show respect for his beliefs and change the subject when he wants to get into mine. My father and I are on the same side of the political & religious spectrum though I often cannot countenance how he characterizes the issues. I've told friends that I would rather be found with those who disagree with me politically and religiously though who are able to characterize their own positions in a responsible way and who are able to respect my own positions. 1
Jeanne Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 20 hours ago, Tacenda said: That's almost as bad! ETA: Wait, it might even be worse. Best of luck bluebell, hopefully the big division in politics will dissipate soon. When it comes to family and politics, my son and I get a long very well......until we watch the news together....that is a no go! 1
Maestrophil Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 21 hours ago, jkwilliams said: Yep. I’ve tried that. My father does not respect my religious beliefs or my political beliefs. So, I try to show respect for his beliefs and change the subject when he wants to get into mine. Right there with you!
Tacenda Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 39 minutes ago, Jeanne said: When it comes to family and politics, my son and I get a long very well......until we watch the news together....that is a no go! Nightly News is a big no-no, they seem to be one sided as well as late night TV or Saturday Night Live. All one sided, hoping to get back to the middle. Although I do see some comments against Biden as well with some hosts of late night shows which is good. I like the middle so much more, that way we can all own how we believe w/o the fights.
jkwilliams Posted June 14, 2021 Author Posted June 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, The Nehor said: Mixed marriages are always difficult: Oh, I’m in one of those. My wife is way out of my league. 2
AtlanticMike Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 25 minutes ago, The Nehor said: Mixed marriages are always difficult: You're right, he could do a lot better.
MustardSeed Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 I am like Bluebell, in a mixed politics marriage- neither of us have an agenda to change the other. That's the respect part. So it works just fine IMO
jkwilliams Posted June 14, 2021 Author Posted June 14, 2021 Just now, MustardSeed said: I am like Bluebell, in a mixed politics marriage- neither of us have an agenda to change the other. That's the respect part. So it works just fine IMO My father seems to consider it an act of personal betrayal that I don’t support his political messiah.
Teancum Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 On 6/13/2021 at 12:13 PM, jkwilliams said: A friend of mine, who makes his living producing church-related materials, told me the other day that he is now in a “mixed-faith marriage.” He asked me what advice I would give after more than a decade in a similar situation. I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, and my conclusion is that you have to put the relationship first. If the love you have for each other is the focus of your relationship, you have a fighting chance. As long as your religious differences are the focus, you have little chance of a good outcome. This applies to all family and friend relationships, not just marriages. I’m sure I’m not the only poster here in a mixed-faith relationship. What other things work for you? I will post more later but I would recommend he and his wife see a therapist that has experience with this. I recommend Natasha Helfer or someone in her practice called Symmetry Solutions. Natasha may not be popular here but she is rather good at this IMO.
MustardSeed Posted June 14, 2021 Posted June 14, 2021 5 minutes ago, jkwilliams said: My father seems to consider it an act of personal betrayal that I don’t support his political messiah. That is too bad that he expects you to be him. Does he feel the same way about other things that you do think or feel that are different from him? I can't imagine putting those types of expectations on my kids -
jkwilliams Posted June 14, 2021 Author Posted June 14, 2021 5 minutes ago, MustardSeed said: That is too bad that he expects you to be him. Does he feel the same way about other things that you do think or feel that are different from him? I can't imagine putting those types of expectations on my kids - Meh. He’s in his 80s, so I don’t take it too personally. He’s just gotten fixated with certain media outlets, such as one run by a weepy Mormon, and he can’t understand why I’m not interested in going down that rabbit hole.
Recommended Posts