Maestrophil

Great comparison

^^^^^ This is really what I wanted to ask here...

Yes, I agree - and I didn't intend this to be as much a discussion about my spouse as much as trying to get a feel for how people feel about the thought of buying alcohol and coffee etc for people not of our faith and who feels it is ok vs not ok? I suppose I should have just started it as a poll. Though I do appreciate the great advice and good intentions of the advice I received that is belong me be introspective so I approach my wife with the kindness and understanding she deserves.

Thank you. I agree, I want her to know that she is being heard and validated. I also want to feel heard and validated too - so how do I put that aside if I am being judged and not listened to? This is a second marriage for both of us, and I know that her ex had issues with alcohol, including DUIs, so that could be driving some of it. He got baptized when they were dating, but was never faithful and they ended up *ahem* 'having' to get married - sometimes I feel she might 'overcorrect' in her attempts to be righteous because of that. We do live in an area where people could see me. None of our kids are active/believing. I want to understand, it is just hard to feel scolded and have it held against me. If it was just her saying she was sad about it that would be one thing, but to feel chastised like a child or a sinner makes it hard not for me to want to push back. That is why I appreciated your insights to help me see things a little differently. Thank you.

Thank you far all the insight. Having it in the home for a minute is odd too to me because we have rum and cherry liquor for baking and wine in the fridge for cooking. Never a problem. I know that part bugged her because she said so - what would people think? I feel badly that matters to her but I have never cared what people think if I feel right with God. Im sad she’s hurt by my choice. But I don’t want to be scolded for it.

Thank you. A lot of good stuff here. I will take it into consideration. yes the bottle was on the counter when she came home. We were both supposed to leave right away to go to my parents house to have a goodbye dinner for my brother and his family.

Without the resurrection, Jesus was either a con-man or a nut.

My brother collects ‘sipping’ liquors and likes to identify ‘notes’ etc. he isn’t a fan of getting drunk. When he was a kid maybe but now he is far from an alcoholic. I suppose my wife might be angry because I didn’t consult her - but she never mentioned it while chastising me and bowing out of the goodbye dinner with my family. She just kept asking me how I could do such a thing, saying she questions who I am, asks what if someone saw me? Etc. maybe be she just hasn’t claimed down enough to realize the unilateral choice is what upset her most - but boy did she let me have it so what do you and others here think of members buying alcohol for someone at dinner or as a gift? And even if it is a gray area, is it severe enough in your minds to constitute a moral failure?

I am in the doghouse. It is so bad that my wife aid she questions the entire foundation of our marriage! What did I do? My sister in law suggested my brother might like a bottle of Utah brewed whiskey for his birthday while he is here for a couple of days from California. So I went in halfsies with my sister and got him a bottle. When my wife came home from work and learned what I had done, she was so angry and hurt and said she felt betrayed. I tried to explain that I don't have any intention of consuming at all and my family knows it. I felt that it would help my brother and sister and parents feel I accept them and see their wants above my personal morals. I also don't see alcohol as inherently evil. We have been asked not to consume it as members currently, but I don't think non-members who casually drink represent evil. Now to add one wrinkle - recently my wife and I decided we would pay for drink for our kids who have left the church when we take them out for dinner on their birthdays etc. We used to say we would pay for the dinner, but the drinks were on them. But we decided it felt weird and alienated our kids, so we agreed to start just letting them order what they would like and paying the entire bill. So why is she ok with that, but now somehow angry with me to the point of telling me I am betraying our marriage and she feels like she needs to separate herself emotionally for her 'safety'? help

Hopefully I can write this in a way that makes sense.I feel there is a lot of nuance here that could be lost, but I am hoping I can convey it enough for some helpful feedback. I especially am interested in the perspective of non-active and/or ex-members. I would ask in the mormon reddit because I know there are many there, but they tend to be the ones who react with spite rather than kindness. I know there are those here that have great insights and tend the respond in a kinder way. I have 6 adult children. All of them are disaffiliated with the Church to some extent. 3 are mine by birth, and three are my wife's, since we are a blended family. We married when the kids were between 6-14 years old. Both of their other birth parents are very vocally against the LDS faith. Recently, my wife, sho is an artist, wanted to paint Books of Mormon with her art, and give them as gifts to each of our kids. I wrote my testimony in the ones that went to my birth kiddos, and she to hers. My testimony in each one stated that I loved my kids for the good people they are, and that I respect the paths they choose on their own journeys. I also testified that my strength in hard times comes from Jesus and told them that my belief was that if they ever needed to search for help in struggles, they could always turn to my, and to God. Then re-affirmed that I respected them regardless of if they ever feel that way or not. I believe my wife's testimony was similar. My children all accepted the gift. My wife's oldest (who is just now at 33 trying to get sober and has always been very opposed to the church) said he would accept the book with an open heart. Her two daughters, however got very upset and said they would not take the book - then went off on how much 'religious trauma' they have and how poorly they felt they were treated in the church, and how dumb the word of wisdom is, and most hurtfully, how 'greasy' and judged they feel when they come to our home. When my wife asked for examples of what makes them feel that way - they said they didn't have any, they just said things like 'the way you look at us like you are disappointed.' or, 'The way we can hear in your voice that you disapprove of us and think we would be better people if we were in the church." and similar things. My wife was relieved they finally talked about it, but understandably hurt and sad that her daughters feel that way. She is now searching very hard to see what she can do better. Because of this reaction I reached out to my three kids and asked them to honestly tell me if they ever feel judged by me, and if the BOM we ge them was offensive, and how I can be better in making them feel loved and accepted. My two sons both enthusiastically told me that they never feel judged by me, they know I love and accept them, and they know my testimony comes from an honest place and not out of judgement. yay! My youngest, a girl, like her sisters, said that while she could not think of specific examples either, that 'it’s just little comments, and i don’t even know if you realize you’re making them.. but like, bringing the aspect of god or religion into a lot of conversations in some way, like i know you probably don’t do that on purpose at all but it can sometimes feel like it’s kinda… passive aggressive i guess if that’s the right word? like it feels like a “i attribute everything to god so you should too” kind of thing?' So my questions, especially for those who might be in the amenities boat as my (adult) kids are: How much of what they are saying comes from what we are doing and saying, and how much is their own perceptions or interpretations based on their situation. How can we be better as parents in making them feel loved (other than never talking about our faith)? Is it wrong that we ask them not to drink in our home - we don't care or comment if they drink at restaurants or at home when we are present? (The girls said they are upset they can't have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving dinner etc.) Any idea why it's the girls who are upset with us, while the boys seem less so? Any other insights are welcome, and if you have read this far in this voluminous post - thank you! We love our kids and want to do all we can to allow them and us to be our full selves around each other,