How is your ministering going?

[MustardSeed]

We’re you more or less attentive as a home/visiting teacher? 

Im afraid I’m a poor minister in terms of frequency.  My connections are more meaningful but the lack of frequency is a problem.  I think one sister has gone inactive in the last 3 months.  I brought a meal 3 months ago, she is pregnant and tired. 

We have yet to see any ministering in our home, our HT was consistent monthly.  I haven’t had a vt or sister minister  visit in years. I’m ok , I get it. 

Edited August 28, 2019 by MustardSeed

[bsjkki]

I did an informal survey and in my circle, everyone is doing less. I carpool for seminary with one of mine and we both benefit. I didn’t see anyone until last month when I got new ministers. 

I was more attentive with visiting teaching.

Edited August 28, 2019 by bsjkki

[Maidservant]

I think in the ward I was in, it was better with ministering.  Maybe not me, and there weren't full visits.  In fact, most of my ministers talk to me AT church, which is nice, at least someone is! Ha ha.  I feel more checked in with. My home teachers, still are, don't come every month (which is great for me), but invite us for dinner occasionally instead.  In the ward I just moved to, let's see.  But everyone has been super nice to say hi and welcome me.

[Tacenda]

 

35 minutes ago, MustardSeed said:

We’re you more or less attentive as a home/visiting teacher? 

Im afraid I’m a poor minister in terms of frequency.  My connections are more meaningful but the lack of frequency is a problem.  I think one sister has gone inactive in the last 3 months.  I brought a meal 3 months ago, she is pregnant and tired. 

We have yet to see any ministering in our home, our HT was consistent monthly.  I haven’t had a vt or sister minister  visit in years. I’m ok , I get it. 

 

24 minutes ago, bsjkki said:

I did an informal survey and in my circle and everyone is doing less. I carpool for seminary with one of mine and we both benefit. I didn’t see anyone until last month when I got new ministers. 

I was more attentive with visiting teaching.

One hundred percent agree! I was looking forward to having ministering sisters but instead got a combo husband/wife team that are basically our home teachers. They are very consistant, but miss having the vt'g program, I remember the monthly visits years ago, both getting visits and visiting.

But in the last few years both home teachers and visiting teachers, became more dropped things off than wanting to visit, more with my visiting teachers. They just didn't have time I guess. And our home teacher averaged maybe twice a year. 

This is why I think they've switched to the ministering plan. They know that it's not going too well with the monthly visits perhaps. 

Edited August 28, 2019 by Tacenda

[Duncan]

My folks ministering brothers are all over them , which is good my folks are late '70's and 80's and we help them too of course. I am fine, my ministering brother and I get together for burger king every so often

[Hamba Tuhan]

2 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

My connections are more meaningful but the lack of frequency is a problem.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in doing more with less. The question is simply whether we are meeting people's individual needs.

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

They are very consistant, but miss having the vt'g program, I remember the monthly visits years ago, both getting visits and visiting.

Have you let your RS president know that your needs are not currently being met? Our instructions are clear: EQ and RS presidents should be making assignments that meet individual needs. Yours have probably guessed what you want. If you don't tell them otherwise, they will probably never know. This was actually the subject of the training I did this past weekend for our combined ward and stake leadership meeting.

[MustardSeed]

I tend to be assigned high need women, and lately I've not been available, physically or emotionally.  Im afraid church details are not so much on my radar lately.  Interestingly enough I have been available to other women at church, but I have neglected my assignment.  

I sent all three a note tonight.  Have appointments next week to sit with two. 

[Hamba Tuhan]

I think I'm doing OK. One of my families and I met up Monday evening at our favourite buffet. They have four adult children living at home, all of them inactive, and when I visit in the home, the kids make themselves scarce. But three of the four joined us for the buffet. As I discussed matters with the parents afterwards, they suggested we keep going out, maybe every six weeks or so. I reminded them that I'm here to meet their specific needs, so that works for me.

Another family that I visit consists of a non-member wife and a husband who's been inactive since he was 14. I stop by either Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday to see if they're free and interested -- this is their request -- and they either invite me in or tell me to come back depending on their circumstances. Nothing has changed here.

Another family that I visit consists of a mum and late teen daughter. I'm in constant contact with them, but it appears they feel more comfortable now cancelling a planned visit if it doesn't suit, whereas in the past they'd try to make it happen. I'm fine with this. As I said, we stay in weekly contact through social media, and my goal is to meet their needs. They are very good at asking for things like blessings if they need them.

Another family is an elderly non-member husband with physical disability and his mail-order Russian wife, who is an apostate (her term) member. They live about 30km outside the city, and we plan our visits around what physical needs they have. (Currently, they need me to finish digging a couple of trenches for them.) She's just returned from a holiday in Russia, so next weekend I'll head out with some men from the elders quorum to finish the job. Then they'll feed us too much Russian food (!), and we'll end up playing several hands of cut-throat cards. It's pretty much a full-day visit.

I'm also assigned to an elderly woman who is kinship carer for three grandchildren. Because the biological mum has attempted to abduct the children, the grandmother and kids have all been removed to an undisclosed location, and her phone number is no longer available. Thankfully, the grandson attends school with one of our priests and told him about me, so I pass messages along this way.

Finally, a few years ago, I asked one of our excommunicated members (and former branch president) if he missed home teaching visits. He said he in fact did, so I've been visiting him approximately monthly since then, depending on whether or not he's around. (He's retired and travels a fair bit.) Nothing has changed here, either.

I would LOVE to be doing more of this with my companion, but that's not always possible. He's in year 12, works part-time, and plays sport. He also is often stuck at home minding his nephew because his single-mum sister lives in the home and frequently works evenings. But he's invited to participate in everything I do.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Hamba Tuhan

[Tacenda]

33 minutes ago, Hamba Tuhan said:

I think I'm doing OK. One of my families and I met up Monday evening at our favourite buffet. They have four adult children living at home, all of them inactive, and when I visit in the home, the kids make themselves scarce. But three of the four joined us for the buffet. As I discussed matters with the parents afterwards, they suggested we keep going out, maybe every six weeks or so. I reminded them that I'm here to meet their specific needs, so that works for me.

Another family that I visit consists of a non-member wife and a husband who's been inactive since he was 14. I stop by either Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday to see if they're free and interested -- this is their request -- and they either invite me in or tell me to come back depending on their circumstances. Nothing has changed here.

Another family that I visit consists of a mum and late teen daughter. I'm in constant contact with them, but it appears they feel more comfortable now cancelling a planned visit if it doesn't suit, whereas in the past they'd try to make it happen. I'm fine with this. As I said, we stay in weekly contact through social media, and my goal is to meet their needs. They are very good at asking for things like blessings if they need them.

Another family is an elderly non-member husband with physical disability and his mail-order Russian wife, who is an apostate (her term) member. They live about 30km outside the city, and we plan our visits around what physical needs they have. (Currently, they need me to finish digging a couple of trenches for them.) She's just returned from a holiday in Russia, so next weekend I'll head out with some men from the elders quorum to finish the job. Then they'll feed us too much Russian food (!), and we'll end up playing several hands of cut-throat cards. It's pretty much a full-day visit.

I'm also assigned to an elderly woman who is kinship carer for three grandchildren. Because the biological mum has attempted to abduct the children, the grandmother and kids have all been removed to an undisclosed location, and her phone number is no longer available. Thankfully, the grandson attends school with one of our priests and told him about me, so I pass messages along this way.

Finally, a few years ago, I asked one of our excommunicated members (and former branch president) if he missed home teaching visits. He said he in fact did, so I've been visiting him approximately monthly since then, depending on whether or not he's around. (He's retired and travels a fair bit.) Nothing has changed here, either.

I would LOVE to be doing more of this with my companion, but that's not always possible. He's in year 12, works part-time, and plays sport. He also is often stuck at home minding his nephew because his single-mum sister lives in the home and frequently works evenings. But he's invited to participate in everything I do.

I love everything you've said here, but the bolded (mine) section, is my problem. My ministering partner does it all without me, she will never ask when we can go out. She just does it herself. One of the sisters on my route is my neighbor across the street and she cannot stand to ever look at me. I've been to her house and took ice cream and her boys greeted me but she stayed back. This has happened a couple of times. It may or may not be because I'm inactive. I even went to the store she works at once and was getting checked out and she wouldn't say a word when she was standing next to the gal who was helping me, until I said something and she barely said two words and then continued talking to the other workers. It's been a strange strange circumstance. Maybe it's because of my inactivity. Also, back to my ministering couple. He is the one to text for visits, or if he brings cookies, she always stays in the car. I feel like I'm the plague, no lie. 

[Hamba Tuhan]

34 minutes ago, Tacenda said:

My ministering partner does it all without me, she will never ask when we can go out. She just does it herself.

If I were you, I'd talk to her about this. And then I'd make myself super-available and super-helpful.

Quote

I feel like I'm the plague, no lie. 

I suspect there's nothing I can say to this that would be of any meaningful assistance ... 😕

[cherryTreez]

I was not assigned any when we moved to our ward. I honestly think the relief society doesn't know that I exist.  I have 2 little ones and was called to nursery.  I have 5 women introduce themselves at the last ward dinner. I tried not to laugh. We have been here for over 2 years and everyone knows my husband and my teen son. 

I think it's  a relief for me. I am busy with my kids, animals, the house and my husband travels a lot for work.  I don't need that extra work right now. My mom has dementia and dad has cancer. My plate is full.

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Tacenda said:

I feel like I'm the plague, no lie. 

Explain the situation to your RS Society Pres 

[Tacenda]

16 minutes ago, cherryTreez said:

I was not assigned any when we moved to our ward. I honestly think the relief society doesn't know that I exist.  I have 2 little ones and was called to nursery.  I have 5 women introduce themselves at the last ward dinner. I tried not to laugh. We have been here for over 2 years and everyone knows my husband and my teen son. 

I think it's  a relief for me. I am busy with my kids, animals, the house and my husband travels a lot for work.  I don't need that extra work right now. My mom has dementia and dad has cancer. My plate is full.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with both parents, my mom had dementia/Alzheimer's and my dad had prostate cancer at the same time, I can relate. 

I've been in my new ward about as long as you have as well. But I don't have young kids anymore. Best to you!💕

[Tacenda]

3 minutes ago, Calm said:

Explain the situation to your RS Society Pres 

Calm, I think it started with the meeting with the bishop when we first moved here. If he just thought we were inactive without the doubts or non belief I bet this would be a different scenario.

Also, after Hamba's comment earlier about my partner, I did reach out by email to the supervisor to see if my partner was still the same.

Thanks though, but my RS president must be busy, she never reaches out, ever.

 

[Hamba Tuhan]

1 hour ago, cherryTreez said:

My mom has dementia and dad has cancer. My plate is full.

Godspeed the Treez family!

[Garden Girl]

I have 5 inactive sisters... and haven't changed my routine with them, i.e., they really don't want visits but are comfortable receiving a "monthly message" so I send them a lovely card with a xerox xc of a message I select from the Ensign.  I write a personal greeting in the card, and make sure they know I'm here for them.  I do that every month.  I do know they enjoy the cards/messages so I don't foresee changing...

GG

[Calm]

13 hours ago, Tacenda said:

Calm, I think it started with the meeting with the bishop when we first moved here. If he just thought we were inactive without the doubts or non belief I bet this would be a different scenario.

Also, after Hamba's comment earlier about my partner, I did reach out by email to the supervisor to see if my partner was still the same.

Thanks though, but my RS president must be busy, she never reaches out, ever.

 

You were unhappy with being ignored in your previous ward if I remember correctly.  You saying your RS pres is busy as she never reaches out sounds like you don’t believe you are worth the effort.  You need to change that to change anything else, imo. 

When I was in my teens and young adulthood (not in Utah), I was convinced I was uninteresting, personality and looks. I went to all the required activities, but nothing like a date, even a group one. Just someone who blended into the walls. Must have been that, otherwise people would have invited me to do things with them, included me in group invitations, etc. Right?  Nope, doesn’t work that way, not for long at least.

Sometime in my college sophomore  year I just said enough of that after one more church party where my assigned blind date stood me up. I would have spent the evening alone as everyone else was at the dance. Instead I ‘broke the rules’ of the dance and hitched a ride with a roommate who was going late with her boyfriend and instead of doing my usual wallflower act, I asked the guys to dance every dance I wanted to (again not how it was supposed to work, they were supposed to fill your dance card).  I had fun, lots of fun. I kept inviting myself to volleyball, baseball games, stuff I didn’t particularly enjoy in itself but had a lot of fun with the group. I went looking for and signed up for study groups. When I decided I had done my share and could now sit back and expect continuing attention, instant death of social life.  Constant attention required.

People have their own lives to worry about and most are probably wondering if they are really wanted or seen as a duty by you.

Tacenda, stop trying to ditch the responsibilities of making friends on to other people.  It isn’t fair to them or you. And it doesn’t work. They can’t read your mind. If you want relationships, then make them. It is hard work until you find someone who fits and you might not find them, but you can have casual friends to have fun with.  If you want to be involved, invite yourself.  If it doesn’t work with one, go volunteer to do at things at church to have a chance to get to know others and then take the risk of asking them to do stuff with you.  If they say no, ask a few more times so they figure out it is something you actually want to do.  They may still say no, but you have learned you can do it and next time may be easier  

Or sit around and feel sorry for yourself because you are convinced people don’t like you.

The reality is life tosses you around and you have to hold on to what you want to keep.  You also have to work even harder to get it in the first place.  I edited out a long saga with too much detail about my one true friend growing up and later not making the effort to find another as it all boils down to a good life is hard, hard work, but the work will be fun if it’s what you want.

Everything I have belonged to long term I wasn’t invited to join, but volunteered.  And I have volunteered a lot, but still only made that kind of connection a few times. 

People do reach out now on occasion and that makes me feel very good when it happens....and I laugh with/at God  that now I have to turn them down. He has a bit of a twisted sense of humor imo.  What a pity God didn’t make this happen when I could take advantage of it.

 But that is just ridiculous thinking as it could have if I had been knocking on doors and talking to strangers enough to find friends.  I was just too scared in the past to do it, but it was easier to blame others for not wanting to know me.

 So it is not just work required, but also taking risks, putting yourself out there knowing you are going to get hurt sometime, but still preferring that to the boredom of loneliness.

It wasn’t until I got on message boards and found an easy, relatively safe way to find others interested in the things I was interested in without all that  initial face to face discomfort, that I found my first group friendships as well as some very long lasting individual ones.  I think the internet can be a real blessing.  You could, for example, stalk your neighbors’ social media to see if there is someone who has similar interests to target as your next friend.

But the ease of internet friendships can seduce you into thinking off line life should be as easy if people actually do care. It isn’t though even though most do. They just happen to care about family and job more and have a strong habit of involvement with them. You are more or less going to have to push yourself and them to make room. The dynamics offline are very different. It is much harder to get together in the same place and time and both focus on each other rather than sit at a keyboard and type a few lines in between checking facebook or the news, keeping your mind busy while waiting on hold,etc. 

But one thing you can learn from internet friendships to use in other friendships is that you are capable of communicating with others, you say something meaningful to you and you won’t be ignored very often (everyone has days connections just don’t happen for some reason).  So if you have managed to find friends here or elsewhere online, while it will be harder there is no reason to believe you can’t find friends in your neighborhood or church family. You just can’t wait to get invited, you need to act as if you belong already, live knowing you should be there.

And if it isn’t worth the work after all and you decide to spend your time and effort on other stuff, then at least don’t make yourself suffer by second guessing yourself or wondering what is wrong.  Probably nothing is wrong, it is just no one including you are making enough right things happen.  But if there are jerks, then walk around them and shake the next person’s hand  Don’t waste emotion on someone you can’t please  

I look at Hamba and read of all his success and remember his stories that tell of enormous effort and time commitment on his side of things and his willingness to take risks.  His ward family just didn’t happen because he landed in  the right mix of people or even with one guy shaking everyone else up, it happens because enough are working hard to make it happen.  

Enough of a lecture for tonight. It just seems, Tacenda, like such a waste for you to be unhappy about lack of friendships in your life when you have proof from this board it can happen. If you spend as much time working on making a friend of someone in your neighborhood as you do in this board, I have no doubt you would be successful.  But you are going to need to be pushy and persistent there just as you are at times here when you want to be heard.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Calm

[Amulek]

12 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

We’re you more or less attentive as a home/visiting teacher? 

About the same - though I like ministering much more than home teaching.

If only I could get my companion to move away from feeling that we're required to give a spiritual lesson each visit. I've worn him down to keeping it to a brief spiritual thought (which I think is fine - often good, in fact - though not necessarily required). 

 

Quote

We have yet to see any ministering in our home, our HT was consistent monthly.  I haven’t had a vt or sister minister  visit in years. I’m ok , I get it. 

I haven't had a HT visit in years either. But I'm fine with that so long as it makes them feel guilty enough to actually show up if I ever actually need them for anything.  

 

[Maestrophil]

I am having a bit of a struggle... specifically, I have been assigned to be companions with my wife lately, and she is very much of the opinion that ministering is just like VY or HT with a different name.  She really wants to schedule regular monthly visits with a message.  We are kind of at odds, because I really don't want to pursue it this way anymore - I want to focus on building organic friendships and not feeling like it is an assignment.  The difference is actually causing some tension in my marriage, and I am trying to figure out how to navigate it.  

 

Change is hard.  🙂

[bluebell]

It's definitely been a struggle to adapt to the new way of doing things.  In a lot of ways, a monthly meet-and-message required a lot less energy and focus and I'm struggling to grow to meet the new desires.  I'm encouraged though as I start small and I feel the spirit trying to help me adjust.  I'll get there, because my desire is to do get there, so I know that I'll have heavenly help with that.

[provoman]

It is a struggle. I think I have done more for my non-member neighbors than I have people in the ward.

[cherryTreez]

10 hours ago, Tacenda said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this with both parents, my mom had dementia/Alzheimer's and my dad had prostate cancer at the same time, I can relate. 

I've been in my new ward about as long as you have as well. But I don't have young kids anymore. Best to you!💕

My dad has prostate cancer that has spread to his blood. He got it from agent orange while on the navy.  My mom doesn't really remember my 2 youngest. It's hard to have the same conversation 5-10 times a day.

  Dad is doing better. They had to change up medications after his heart attack and surgery.  It seems to be doing better in keeping the cancer numbers low.

[cherryTreez]

10 hours ago, Hamba Tuhan said:

Godspeed the Treez family!

thank you.

[Duncan]

2 hours ago, cherryTreez said:

My dad has prostate cancer that has spread to his blood. He got it from agent orange while on the navy.  My mom doesn't really remember my 2 youngest. It's hard to have the same conversation 5-10 times a day.

  Dad is doing better. They had to change up medications after his heart attack and surgery.  It seems to be doing better in keeping the cancer numbers low.

not to bum you out but my almost 87 yr old dad is on some prostate cancer study, he doesn't have it and has had no problems with prostate stuff ever. So, his Urologist got him on this long term study and to see what is going on or not going in you whereas other men are having issues with it. So, a few times a year him and my Mum trudge down to the hospital and they do some whatever stuff and give him $30 and then they hit up a restaurant. So, I am hoping that they can find whatever in my Dad to help your Dad out. My Dad wasn't in the Navy but he was in the Army reserves in Canada in the early '60's, so not much going on here then dot dot dot

Edited August 28, 2019 by Duncan

[nuclearfuels]

20 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

We’re you more or less attentive as a home/visiting teacher? 

Im afraid I’m a poor minister in terms of frequency.  My connections are more meaningful but the lack of frequency is a problem.  I think one sister has gone inactive in the last 3 months.  I brought a meal 3 months ago, she is pregnant and tired. 

We have yet to see any ministering in our home, our HT was consistent monthly.  I haven’t had a vt or sister minister  visit in years. I’m ok , I get it. 

I haven't heard word one from those who have been called to minister to me. Told EQP I need new ones. He won't.

As for me, I ask if those I am supposed to minister to would like to visit, or come to a BBQ; some attend, others don't. 

Seems like everyone's glad we're no longer responsible for our HT families.