Parents leave son in Bryce Canyon-thoughts?

[Duncan]

There is that story going around about this family that took their soon to be missionary son out to Bryce Canyon and he told them he didn't want to go and so they left him there. So he went to a gas station and called his grandparents and the next day I think they came and got him. The Grandpa said just to try a mission and I take it he did and is serving now or was serving. What do you make of it?

http://www.ldsliving.com/A-Grandpa-s-Perfect-Response-When-His-Grandson-Said-He-Wouldn-t-Report-to-the-MTC-the-Next-Day/s/85941

Edited July 21, 2017 by Duncan

[Calm]

If true, sounds like good grandparents and really screwed up parents.  They must be rather upset this is being told about them.  Chances are, imo, the message of the LDSLiving story will be getting lost (the right way to go about deciding about a mission/supporting a potential missionary) and it will just become a story about abusive parents because that is the unusual part of the story (thankfully few parents would result to dumping a child, even an adult child...or anyone else for that matter, away from home like that for any reason).   I am hoping there is more to the story...

[Kenngo1969]

Hell, if someone wants to kidnap me and plunk me down in the middle of Bryce Canyon, I won't even press charges!!!  

("Ken, this is a serious matter!"   Yeah, yeah, yeah!  I know!  That's just how I am.  I'm the Board's Resident Court Jester.)

We now return you to your deadly-serious, on-topic programming.

[Calm]

Looks like the website understands the complexity of the story and is trying to do what is, imo, the right thing...promote compassion for everyone.

"What began as a raw and genuine video shared by a missionary has now suddenly turned into a controversy, and it breaks my heart to think that I could have somehow gotten in the way of a young man telling his story.

In the last 24 hours, I and LDS Living have been accused of sharing and promoting a story that goes entirely against my own ideals and my beliefs so fully, I've felt physically ill this morning as I've tried to write. I and LDS Living have also been accused of white washing and sanitizing a story. Well, I'll leave it to you to make the judgment call on that one. In many ways, I see that as part of my duties as a writer on an inspirational site: to find the uplifting message in the midst of all the negative that surrounds us.

As one commenter asked, "What the heck was going through the minds of LDS Living to think that this was inspirational?"

My response: Not once did we ever term the original story submitted to us inspirational. In fact, it was never meant to be shared or published.

I received a story from a regular contributor to our site, one who loves to focus on the positive stories so many people ignore or fail to see in their daily lives. I love reading his content and seeing the glimmers of hope he finds in the world, despite the negativity and doom and gloom we often find online.

I set up a story space for this piece, but after reading through the story to edit it, I immediately felt anything but inspired. It described a family who left their son in Bryce Canyon when he announced he wouldn't serve a mission. There was one beautiful moment in the story when the grandfather drives hours to pick up his grandson, telling him he would love him no matter what. That was a message I felt was worth sharing.

That is when I made a mistake. Usually, we keep stories that aren't ready to share on our site in draft mode, so we can keep looking over them and editing them before they are published. This is one of those stories that should have been kept hidden, but I made the mistake of clicking undraft before I hit save.

Luckily, within minutes one of my coworkers noticed the story live on our site, and she brought up her concerns about the potentially dangerous messages it could send to parents and young men and women. I understood her concerns and drafted the story immediately, sending it to nearly every person on our staff, wondering if there was a way to get the important conversation going of how we should treat children, brothers and sisters, family members, and friends who choose not to serve a mission without sending harmful messages or judging and condemning others we knew nothing about.

We talked for hours and decided we could not share this version of the story. We did not want to promote anything that would suggest any response besides loving and supporting your family and friends, especially in vulnerable places in their lives. 

The next morning, our contributor sent a Facebook video, sharing this exact same story from the point of view of the missionary, one that focused on loving and not leaving, one that stressed gaining a testimony for yourself, not giving into social pressures. 

So we wanted our story to focus on the response we found inspiring, that of the grandfather, and we wanted our story to remain entirely separate from the other. For this reason, we decided not to mention Bryce Canyon or the parents in our brief introduction to the video, but instead allow the missionary to share that part of the story in his own words.

But I also had additional motives for choosing not to mention the parents, though they are not the ones others have accused me of having. About a year ago, I wrote a story about an LDS member recently returning to the Church who had been attacked online. I was trying to defend this person and suggest we needed to respond with love to others, not hate. Though I didn't mention the names of any of those who wrote negative comments about her online, I later received an email that made me want to crawl into a deep dark hole. I felt like a despicable person. It seems one of the negative commenters was receiving hate mail and death threats that drove her to the point of breaking. People had decided to look up the negative post and search out this woman, sending her all manner of hateful things. That's the moment I realized every word matters. That's the moment when I realized I need to act with compassion, not judgment, for everyone involved in a story.

 I don't condone what those parents did, but I don't know them or their situation, and I don't want others attacking someone else who is similarly vulnerable and trying to navigate a new part of parenthood. I felt Elder Alabbas's words could speak for themselves, and I wanted to highlight the truly remarkable part of this story, that his grandpa never left and never stopped loving.

I didn't know at this time that the brief moment the original story had been online on our site, others had already chosen to share it, and not only that, but when it was no longer available, they decided to share the cached version of the story, turning the focus from one man's heartbreaking experience into a conspiracy by LDS Living. Even after trying to get in touch with editors of other sites to explain why we feel that original story was harmful and should not be shared, it seems the focus remains on us, not Elder Alabbas. I guess that is the risk of putting your words online. Even when you hope to inspire or do good, they are left vulnerable to becoming messages of hate and misunderstanding.

Every day I come into work, I pray constantly to know what stories to share. My staff debates and talks and wonders constantly about how we can generate important discussions and share uplifting messages, without indulging in the negative or perpetuating judgment. Do we always get it right? Most definitely not. We are aggravatingly but also delightfully human, just like everyone else within the Church. But I try, I read your comments, I listen, I care, and I know without a doubt the rest of my staff does too.

So I am terribly sorry to everyone who has been wrapped up in this whole big mess or who misunderstood where LDS Living stands on this topic. I made a mistake. I published a story that should have never been shared, and I acknowledge that. But, in a way, I am also glad to have this learning experience and glad to have readers who speak up when they might disagree with something we write. That's the glorious thing about a Church made up of imperfect people; we can move toward becoming better and figuring out tricky situations together.

And this was just a reminder to me again of how careful all of us need to be of the messages we share online. Are we seeking to understand and build others or criticize? Are we seeking to act like Christ, even when things turn hostile? Are we striving to represent who we are as Mormons, even when we are attacked personally or our beliefs are?

From what I've seen, we can all do a little bit better at that, me included, but it's a journey we can make together."

http://www.ldsliving.com/Our-Take-on-the-Family-Leaving-Their-Son-at-Bryce-Canyon-Controversy-Why-We-Need-to-Act-Mormon-Even-Online/s/85950

========

It is not Fair Use to post the whole editorial I believe (and I can edit it if anyone thinks that outweighs my purpose), but I know there will be some who won't click on the link, but might read it fully here and I think the POV of why and the How of posting it needs to be part of the discussion and my interpretation of the writer is that they would prefer the full message out there.

Please click on the link to give them their fair due though, even if you read it here.

 

Edited July 21, 2017 by Calm

[Calm]

5 minutes ago, Kenngo1969 said:

Hell, if someone wants to kidnap me and plunk me down in the middle of Bryce Canyon, I won't even press charges!!!  

("Ken, this is a serious matter!"   Yeah, yeah, yeah!  I know!  That's just how I am.  I'm the Board's Resident Court Jester.)

We now return you to your deadly-serious, on-topic programming.

Hopefully with necessary supplies.

According to the video, they were at a campsite for a last family vacation when he told them, so it wasn't quite out in the middle of nowhere without shelter or dependent on completely random passersby.  Still, unless the parents knew the campsite owner and had made arrangements with him ( he let the young man stay in a cabin overnight, Grandpa showed up the next day), it was dangerous abandonment.

The young man seems quite sweet and his grandpa a great guy, so hopefully the family is healing and this can be turned into a growing experience for the parents as the son has decided to be open to learning a new way of thinking and serving others with compassion and love (he doesn't sound angry at his parents, just a bit mystified).

 

[rpn]

1)  The person to whom it was done, doesn't harbor any ill will, so I'm not sure why anyone else has the right to on his behalf.   (Who knows what was said and done to get there.)

2)   I'm not sure why we want to second guess these circumstances or other parents.   Can't we simply presume that all (most) parents are doing their personal best to raise their children and do right by them?   (Now, if someone wants to start a thread about the advisability of leaving a 19 year old who has their whole gear at a national park, within walking distance to water and a phone.....?  Or the msg given about voluntariness of service...?)

3)   It was Bryce Canyon in July, how is that "dangerous abandonment"?

[katherine the great]

What a bizarre story! As a mother, I totally understand the exasperation she felt and even her anger, but to dump your son (or anyone) in that fashion with all of their luggage and drive away back to Washington seems very bizarre to me. I doubt I would have made it out of the park.

[Calm]

She has apparently rationalized it as trusting the Lord:

"More than a year after leaving her son standing at a campsite with his mouth hanging open, Sarah Hyatt has no regrets. “Leaving Kaydin in Bryce Canyon wasn’t out of anger. Our hearts were broken. His future suddenly became unclear. We felt like failures as parents.”

Still, Hyatt believes their only choice was to put their son in the hands of the Lord in their creative way. “We felt inspired to step away when we no longer had any control. And we witnessed the biggest miracle of our lives, letting the Lord work through his grandparents, as they issued him a challenge to try.”

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/this-inspirational-story-about-a-doubting-mormon-is-horrific/

Even Moses' mom left his sister to keep an eye on him.

[Calm]

"3)   It was Bryce Canyon in July, how is that "dangerous abandonment"?"

He had no cell phone, no money, no food, no job for self support to go to that we hear of after being kicked out of the car and the family.  If his grandfather had refused to come down, he probably would have ended up hitchhiking to get to somewhere (hitchhiking to Washington is not a safe endeavor).  He might have ended up homeless.  We are not talking about someone who was preparing to be financially independent or had some place else already set up to go to.  He lucked out that the campground owner was a nice guy instead of some jerk who would take advantage of him or even a psychopath.

It didn't have to be Bryce Canyon, but could have been anywhere away from his usual support system where with his emotions in turmoil, an unprepared 18 year old could make some very stupid decisions or plunge into depression or just get taken advantage of by others because he had not had time to prepare a safe haven to move to.  

Why not drive him up to his grandparents and leave him there? 

Edited July 22, 2017 by Calm

[sunstoned]

26 minutes ago, Calm said:

"3)   It was Bryce Canyon in July, how is that "dangerous abandonment"?"

He had no cell phone, no money, no food, no job for self support to go to that we hear of after being kicked out of the car and the family.  If his grandfather had refused to come down, he probably would have ended up hitchhiking to get to somewhere (hitchhiking to Washington is not a safe endeavor).  He might have ended up homeless.  We are not talking about someone who was preparing to be financially independent or had some place else already set up to go to.  He lucked out that the campground owner was a nice guy instead of some jerk who would take advantage of him or even a psychopath.

It didn't have to be Bryce Canyon, but could have been anywhere away from his usual support system where with his emotions in turmoil, an unprepared 18 year old could make some very stupid decisions or plunge into depression or just get taken advantage of by others because he had not had time to prepare a safe haven to move to.  

Why not drive him up to his grandparents and leave him there? 

Agreed.  This whole story from what we know is unfortunate.  It should have never been made public. This is something the family should have dealt with in private.  As far as I am concerned it is not faith promoting.  LDS living should have not have tried to spin it. There were already original versions of what happened out on the web. They have come across as disingenuous.

[Calm]

http://thisweekinmormons.com/2017/07/family-leaves-mormon-missionary-bryce-canyon-day-before-mtc-why/

"The grandparents had the appropriate response, bless their wise old souls. They listened to his concerns (imagine that!). They didn’t put their doubting grandson down. They invited him to stick through a decision he already made up to a nearer milestone, and negotiated a back door. They loved him, put their arms around him, comforted him, and let them know that whatever he decided, that would still be there for him,  going as far as to say that if Kaydin wasn’t happy at the MTC after a few days, he could come home “no questions asked.” They displayed a profound respect for another’s agency, and they worked together within a loving context to make a plan for moving forward.

They encouraged him according to their beliefs and the context of the situation, and they didn’t just say “well, whatever you want, that’s what’s best.” They filled a parental role and a mentor role while lovingly and boldly challenging Kaydin’s assertions, and they made a plan—together—to move forward. They also, ya know, picked him up from where he was abandoned.

Creating a safe and loving place in the home for children to work through their thoughts and major life decisions is one of the core functions of the family."

======

Going from filling out his mission papers for him to leaving him on his own in a National Park with very limited resources is not a very effective approach to parenting.  Usually there is a transition from dependency/making a child's decision for him to having him move out to try his wings.  I wonder how his siblings were feeling about their future in the family.

[Calm]

13 minutes ago, sunstoned said:

Agreed.  This whole story from what we know is unfortunate.  It should have never been made public. This is something the family should have dealt with in private.  As far as I am concerned it is not faith promoting.  LDS living should have not have tried to spin it. There were already original versions of what happened out on the web. They have come across as disingenuous.

I wonder if the parents have figured out yet they have taught the younger siblings to not be honest about their own doubts with them?

[Calm]

Found the original article...he did have a cell phone.  Must not have worked in Bryce Canyon.

From the mother:

Quote

More than a year after leaving her son standing at a campsite with his mouth hanging open, Sarah Hyatt has no regrets. “Leaving Kaydin in Bryce Canyon wasn’t out of anger,” she told me. “Our hearts were broken because his future suddenly became so unclear. We knew we weren’t failures, but it was hard in the heat of the moment not to feel that way. The truth was we were less concerned about him not serving, and more concerned with suddenly having no plan and no direction.”

This is just strange reasoning to me...they are upset he has no plan and no direction, so she responds in a knee jerk fashion without a plan and dumps him there.  It is the very opposite of the lesson she should have been teaching him if that was her main concern.

Quote

Hyatt believes their only choice was to put their son in the hands of the Lord in their creative way. “We felt inspired to step away and reset. Our approach might not work for everyone, but we could see productive communication had broken down. After the initial shock passed, we turned our hearts to the Lord. Fasting, praying attending the temple for our son to find direction. Then we witnessed the biggest miracle of our lives, letting the Lord work through his grandparents, as they issued him a challenge to try.”

Where was taking a moment to pray with her family before they left him on his own without a plan?  Where was her allowing her son to just try?

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:a5utxyP0VOYJ:jasonfwright.com/column/family-leaves-son-at-bryce-canyon-one-day-before-his-mission-should-have-begun.html+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari

[Anijen]

Without knowing all the facts I will reserve my comments to a brief reply.

1. If I am an 18-20 year old I wouldn't have blamed my parents at all.
2. I probably am a bit stubborn at this point in my life (young and knowing everything).
3. I love the outdoors and am very experienced with them. 
4. I am an adult, so the word abandonment in my opinion is a little too harsh.
5.  My mom as she pulled away was probably going through heck for her decision.

 

Abraham was inspired to kill his son, leaving an adult, experienced outdoors man, in an area filled with a lot of people (this time of year),  is not the worse inspiration I have heard of.

Edited July 22, 2017 by Anijen

[sunstoned]

12 minutes ago, Calm said:

I wonder if the parents have figured out yet they have taught the younger siblings to not be honest about their own doubts with them?

There is a lesson here somewhere.  And there is probably more to the story that what has been told.  But, just going by what was reported, it seems like a conclusion could be drawn that support, and may be even love is conditional in that family.  This Elder now knows that he must toe the line, and must finish his mission.  If not, he is on the outside.  Same with the siblings.  

[Calm]

Same situation with different family, very different response:

https://bycommonconsent.com/2017/07/20/second-guessing-the-call-to-serve/

Quote

 

This wasn’t the first time I’d expressed reservations. The summer after my freshman year I had met with my bishop and stake presidency on several occasions after my application had been submitted to let them know I just wasn’t sure about serving a mission after all. Each time we would counsel and pray together, and I would leave feeling like I could do it. But then, just as the rubber was about to hit the road, the realization that it would be me—and not my bishop, stake president, parents or anybody else who cared about me—who would have to serve my mission, caused me to reach for the emergency brake.

If my parents were upset or disappointed, they didn’t show it. The next day we all went to the MTC together, and I stopped at the front desk and let a secretary know I wouldn’t be reporting that day. She thanked me for the heads up and we went in to the farewell ceremony they still did in those days. And then my brother left through the one side and I went with my parents out the other side. And that was pretty much that.

The next Sunday I was back in my old ward, which was a little awkward, especially as I made the rounds of family friends to return the gifts they had given me the week before at my farewell. But I survived and so did they. There was no wailing, gnashing of teeth or rending of garments. I don’t know if it would have mattered much either way at the time—I wasn’t going back!—but in retrospect I am grateful that everyone kept their cool....

I hadn’t been wondering at all if I should consider going on a mission. But in that instant I received what felt like pure inspiration—follow in the footsteps of the apostles by putting the kingdom of God first and the rest of my life would work itself out. It made a lot of sense at the time, so that night I gave my two weeks’ notice to my boss and let my bishop know of my intentions. Three weeks after cracking the Book of Mormon for the first time in months, I was saying goodbye to my family at the MTC. (I don’t know what the usual practice is in such circumstances, but rather than receiving a new calling I received a deferred entry date for my original call).

It wasn’t easy serving in Europe, but I was endlessly grateful that I could fall back on my very own testimony of missionary service that had come to me in my own time. So when a friend shared this story on a popular social media website, I was relieved that the young man who had been left by his parents to fend for himself in a National Park after telling them that he wasn’t going to serve does not appear to be any worse for wear for the experience.  After being abandoned, the young man’s grandparents came, picked him up and gave him the encouragement he needed to give missionary service a try. A few days behind schedule, the young man was at the MTC and Elder Alabbas now appears to be serving happily...

I hope the lesson people learn from this story is not to increase reliance on “creative ways” of shaping outcomes that rely on others’ decisions. Rather, I hope parents and guardians will be encouraged to examine the assumptions about life, the universe and everything that they may have tied up with their children’s decisions to serve missions or achieve other milestones in life and resist the urge to act in haste. It’s not easy to revisit expectations and take the long view when it appears that a loved one is veering off course. In fact, it requires faith in no small measure to grant moral agents the space that allows God to work wonders in their lives on His and their timetables. But I think it’s the gospel way.

 

 

[Calm]

28 minutes ago, Anijen said:

Without knowing all the facts I will reserve my comments to a brief reply.

1. If I am an 18-20 year old I wouldn't have blamed my parents at all.

For kicking you out of the family in a place where you were over 1000 miles from all that you knew without warning?

It would have been very different if this had been the end of a conversation that took place at home over several days and gave the young man a chance to call around to arrange for shelter for the night at least.  If there had been a conversation that he had to live by the rules of the home or live elsewhere, but no one suggests that such happened.

Perhaps it is because I am female, but in my opinion the vulnerability of a young man who is unexpectedly abandoned does not disappear because he is of legal age.

PS:  hitchhiking is illegal in Utah and in National Parks...

Edited July 22, 2017 by Calm

[Thinking]

Reminds me of the parents who "kidnapped" their daughter to prevent her from getting married.

Utah Parents Charged With Kidnapping Daughter to Prevent Marriage

[Calm]

Forgot about that one, weird case.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/695231617/The-tragedy-of-the-kidnapped-bride.html

add-on:  reviewing, generally speaking it appears there was a strong consensus outside the immediate family that it was the mother who drove the attempt because she was upset the wedding reception wasn't going her way while the parents claimed the groom was overly controlling and they had only been dating for two months....but apparently they said nothing of their concerns until they kidnapped her so I am assuming mental illness was probably the primary cause.

PS:  I think I found the couple on FB, still married with a number of beautiful children.

Edited July 22, 2017 by Calm

[Tacenda]

2 hours ago, sunstoned said:

There is a lesson here somewhere.  And there is probably more to the story that what has been told.  But, just going by what was reported, it seems like a conclusion could be drawn that support, and may be even love is conditional in that family.  This Elder now knows that he must toe the line, and must finish his mission.  If not, he is on the outside.  Same with the siblings.  

This is how I felt. Maybe one day the poop is going to hit the fan and backfire.

[Jude2]

This is just a weird story. 

[Robert F. Smith]

7 hours ago, rpn said:

....................................................

3)   It was Bryce Canyon in July, how is that "dangerous abandonment"?

There is the danger of flash floods.  People get killed that way in Zion and Bryce canyons.

[Calm]

Bryce appears relatively safe in regards to deaths, but I have always been thinking more of the dangers of dropping a young man anywhere alone without preparation, mentally and financially unprepared, no plan, and cutting out the foundation of life (his family) from beneath his feet.  It is not so much places that aren't predictably safe, it's more people in my view...hopefully most are kind as were the owners who took him in for the night, but there are enough.  I have hadfamily and friends whose kids or other family members have been kidnapped, raped, beaten, abused, or murdered.  And so many more accidental deaths when people were careless and acting stupid (as anger and fear can cause you to do).  You just shouldn't create this risk for your kids.

Him waiting for them to return and then realizing they weren't.  Maybe it wasn't all that new behaviour to him from his parents, so he already had a thick skin, which is why he can laugh it off now while still pointing out it wasn't the right thing to do, but how it must have ached between the time he began to realize they weren't coming back and when he heard his grandfather's voice telling him he was not alone in the world after all.

----

https://www.nps.gov/brca/planyourvisit/upload/08SummerHoodoo.pdf

"Death at Bryce Canyon

How many people die at Bryce? Fortunately, Bryce averages less than 1 fatality per year. In order of decreasing abundance, fatalities are caused by:

•Heart attacks •Falling off cliffs •Lightning •Vehicle accidents

Unfortunately, hundreds of serious injuries have also needlessly occurred, some out of ignorance, but too many from ignoring park safety warnings "

[Pete Ahlstrom]

I think the story is a good lesson of how not to treat questioning children. The boy was over 18 so a felony child abandonment charge can't be brought against the parents. Lucky for them. However, I'm sure the scar from this incident will remain, even though it's maybe buried by the boy now. 

[bluebell]

12 hours ago, sunstoned said:

Agreed.  This whole story from what we know is unfortunate.  It should have never been made public. This is something the family should have dealt with in private.  As far as I am concerned it is not faith promoting.  LDS living should have not have tried to spin it. There were already original versions of what happened out on the web. They have come across as disingenuous.

How did they try to spin it?