Odd Gift At Ward Christmas Party

[cinepro]

At a recent Christmas party with other members of the ward, we did a "white elephant" gift exchange.  The end result was an unexpectedly odd book of recipes.  Apparently there is someone in the ward with an odder sense of humor than me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[canard78]

Sick and brilliant in one

[pogi]

Ketchup on the mountain meadows muffins?  That's just wrong!

[bluebell]

That's crazy!!

[readstoomuch]

I like it and don`t like it at the same time. Ii bet Deseret Book passed on publishing this one.

[Calm]

That last one was painfully funny…literally as it set off some hacking coughs

 

Do you know who made it up?  

 

Never mind, found it on Amazon:

 

http://www.amazon.com/No-Man-Knows-Pastries-Christensen/dp/1560850280#

 

 “A Marvelous Work with Wonder Bread,” “Jesus-Fed-the-Multitudes Tuna Helper,” and “I Knead Thee Every Hour Rolls” are among the special heirloom recipes reluctantly shared by Sister Christensen in No Man Knows My Pastries. This faux cook book chronicles the special love affair Mormons have with lowbrow eating and provides easy, step-by-step directions for preparation of the likes of bologna mock chicken wings.

Sister Christensen illustrates her favorite culinary hints with photographs of herself with her buns in the kitchen and of Brother Christensen at his TV tray wolfing down her delectable delights. Her ingenious “Jell-O-Matrix” will help readers match flavors and ingredients with appropriate party themes; her “Mauve Wedding Punch” is guaranteed to match bridesmaids’ dresses; and kids will “massacre” her “Mountain Meadows Muffins.” From “In-Breads” to “Just Desserts,” everyone can savor the self-identified “kreme” of Utah cuisine.

“I’ve been mobbed for a recipe after more than one pot luck,” Sister Christensen admits in her preface. It “makes me sad to think there are brethren and sisters who have not discovered the joy of diced Spam casserole.” Out of duty to the betterment of ward dinners everywhere, she was persuaded to go into print. “So, sisters,” she concludes, “get out your aprons and let’s get cooking.”

 

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Roger Salazar emerges from two hours in make-up ready for another book appearance. In his arms is an enormous, multicolored, molded Jell-O. "I never thought I would parlay my theater degree into book promotion," says Salazar, author of No Man Knows My Pastries: The Secret (not Sacred) Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen. In nylons, permed wig, and press-on nails, Salazar has become Sister Enid Christensen, the quintessential Mormon housewife. Elaborating on the spiritual aspects of Jell-O sculpting, Salazar hints that his new cookbook published by Signature Books is a tongue-in-cheek parody of life in Utah. He is quick to brag that he knows hundreds of ways to prepare Jell-o, zucchini, and spam "three prerequisites to any successful suburban Utah meal." "I'm so proud to come from the Jell-O Belt," jokes Salazar, "which you may know stretches all the way from Burley, Idaho to Snowflake, Arizona. West Valley City (a suburb of Salt Lake City) is, of course, the Jell-O capital of the world!" Sister Christensen considers her recipes the height of haute cuisine. "These days people are tired of steak and potatoes," she says. "they crave more sophisticated dishes like casseroles." She breaks into a husky, contra-alto rendition of "Casserole-serole" to the tune of "Que Sera, Sera." "It's time for Martha Stewart to move over," laughs this self- proclaimed 'post-feminist icon,' "because people like me are coming out of the kitchen. It's the nineties, after all." No Man Knows My Pastries, with over 100 recipes and 50 photographs, bridges the gap between easy and edible, fast and fashionable. "It liberates housewives and house-husbands from kitchen drudgery, allowing them to focus on basic family values like sitting around the T.V." She adds, "Fast foods are glorious technological advances brought forth to assist in spreading the good word from the good book. Cooking from scratch leaves little time for church and family." "At first I was reluctant to share my special recipes," Sister Christensen explains. "It was not until God told me I was hiding my light under a bushel, and my dear friend Roger promised me advanced royalties, that I agreed to part with my sweet family's favorite recipes." Sister Christensen's creations include such mouthwatering temptations as "Sweet and Sour Spam," "Fig and Orange Jell-O Mold," "Sausage Souffle," "Tomato Soup Cake," "Processed Cheese Dip," "Bologna Angel Wings" (for the holidays), "Lumpy ****" (a dumpling delicacy), and "Irish Postum" (Mormons don't drink coffee). "There may actually be some recipes in this book that can be used to make something edible," says Salt Lake Tribune's book reviewer Paul Swenson, "but mostly it should be kept out of the kitchen. You need a room with plenty of space to lie down and roll around in spasms of hilarity, away from hot surfaces and sharp objects." --Associated Press

 

About the Author

  Roger B. Salazar, a hairdresser, claims to have acquired cherished recipes from his Salt Lake Valley Relief Society clientele, which is how he conjured up “Sister Enid Christensen,” the alleged co-author of his humorous book, No Man Knows My Pastries: The Secret (Not Sacred) Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen.

Michael G. Wightman, a Salt Lake City music composer (part-time) and house painter (full-time), says he inherited family cookbooks from generations of zucchini-loving progenitors. These, along with his keen sense of humor and natural “Mo-look,” were invaluable contributions to No Man Knows My Pastries: The Secret (Not Sacred) Recipes of Sister Enid Christensen, which he co-authored and for which he posed as “Brother Christensen.”

Edited December 26, 2014 by calmoriah

[Duncan]

That is going on Facebook right now! hahaha

[Calm]

I like it and don`t like it at the same time. Ii bet Deseret Book passed on publishing this one.

It was published by Signature Books

[Tacenda]

Duncan, I saw your post on FB and I was like...what?!?!

Edited December 26, 2014 by Tacenda

[VideoGameJunkie]

Nehor wrote this book. haha

[rpn]

So are the recipes supposed to be made (strike that), eaten?

[Kenngo1969]

I laughed.  I didn't really want to, but I did, nonetheless.

 

[smac97]

Oi.  I can't laugh at Mountain Meadows-related humor.  

[strappinglad]

This goes with that perennial favorite, " How to wok your dog " !

[Stargazer]

Are these recipes serious? The Endow Mints are made of toothpaste fer cryin' out loud! If the toothpaste is of the fluoridated variety, you could get fluoridosis from eating just one -- if it is in the shape of the Los Angeles or Salt Lake Temple (which are the largest temples in the Church).

[cinepro]

Are these recipes serious? The Endow Mints are made of toothpaste fer cryin' out loud! If the toothpaste is of the fluoridated variety, you could get fluoridosis from eating just one -- if it is in the shape of the Los Angeles or Salt Lake Temple (which are the largest temples in the Church).

 

Well, it obviously goes without saying that when you make mints out of toothpaste, you're supposed to use the non-flouridated kind.

[BCSpace]

This goes with that perennial favorite, " How to wok your dog " !

 

In Asia, it's 101 Ways To Wok Your Dog.

 

Sister Christensen's recipie book itself should be included in the Study Helps and perhaps stapled shut like the Song of Solomon by some.

Edited December 27, 2014 by BCSpace

[Ham Clam]

Wow ...

[MiserereNobis]

I enjoy satire of all kinds

[ERayR]

I laughed.  I didn't really want to, but I did, nonetheless.

 

 

IMNSHO Funny but tasteless.

[Calm]

I enjoy satire of all kinds

So glad to see you, been missing your own wit around these forums.

[Calm]

but tasteless.

On multiple levels.  

[cinepro]

It occurs to me that this book would make an excellent Smithmas present.

[strappinglad]

It occurs to me that this book would make an excellent Smithmas present.

Likely would be better as a New Jeers gift.

[CMZ]

"No, Ma'am; Those Aren't Pastries"