My Inactive Husband Made Fun Of From Pulpit

[Avatar4321]

Some people are in out lives to build our faith. Some to try our faith. I'm truly sorry you went through this.

please dont let it prevent you from being active. The gospel is true even when people dont live it perfectly. Should any of us let another hurtful actions keep us from our Father in Heaven? As always Christ is our perfect example. He followed the Father no matter what painful things people did to Him.

He loves you. And I think I can safely say we all love you as well. The gospel is still true. Jesus will still guide you.

[Yirgacheffe]

I'd let it go, if you stop attending then they win, 'they' meaning the people who don't support you

I don't think viewing your spouse as a person you need to win against is a good approach if you want to stay married.

[Yirgacheffe]

Hello Silhouette...

Boy, I sure have a different reaction... First, I'm appalled that Brian would be such a jerk as to make a joke from the pulpit over a typo.  Calling attention to your husband's error from the pulpit is not funny, probably IMO not done to make him feel "included" but is actually petty... and if it were me, I'd tell Brian so...

Second, I don't think you should have told your husband... here he is in a calling he clearly should ask to be released from since he hates it and it does nothing but cause him to fester inwardly with anger and resentment... 

I understand that if he does not have this calling that you think it will sever all ties he has with the Church... but how is this calling helping him to have better feelings about the Church or to be willing to ever even consider attending with you because he is so resentful... IMO it would be better for you to live the gospel by example, showing the positive effect your renewed activity in the Church is having on you... make your home more cheerful, more comfortable for both of you. Be a better partner and wife.  Build him up lovingly... not through forcing him to do something that clearly turns him away from the Church...

Perhaps a  better calling, if he is to be given a calling at all, would be with scouts or assisting with something in emergency preparedness, etc.  These are callings that would allow him some limited contact with ward members and a better way of feeling "included." 

Just my opinion...

 

GG

This makes a lot of sense, I also wonder how long has he had this calling, did he have it while you were inactive?  If it's a calling that came along with your return to activity that could go a long way in explaining his dislike of the whole thing.

[Rain]

Assuming the HT really is Brian and nit just an anonymous name I don't see this as making fun of your husband at all. My first thoughts were he must admire your husband's intelligence and is pointing out "even this smart guy knows I am a brain." And I can see why everyone would laugh.

Now if his name and misspelling don't make sense like that then I agree he shouldn't have pointed it out.

I've had the opposite problem turning things in to the bulletin person. I actually emailed because I wanted this copied and pasted like I had them. Sometimes I would puns in them. I noticed that typos would go in when I didn't have them there and was a little embarrassed thinking people would know I emailed the announcements in that way. Then I found out this sister would print off all the email, take them somewhere she didn't have email and type them up altogether.

All that aside, it kind of sounds like the announcements are not the problem. That the problem is you are worried about your marriage and bringing this up didn't help. That you would like a good, active marriage where you are both supporting each other and getting closer to God. These are all righteous desires. Your worries and frustrations and hurts are just manifesting themselves in anger over this. And that is totally normally. My husband often quoted John Lund over this - something about displaying after unmet expectations.

So I would sit on this for a couple of days, asking the Lord to help you see clearly. That will help you decide whether you need to speak with Brian or let it go.

[juliann]

 

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did? Should I have not told my husband about it? Should I request a release for my husband, though doing so would sever all ties to the Church for him? Should I confront "Brian" about this and let him know how much damage it started? Should I speak with the Bishop about it?

Should I forget about it? Just coming back from inactivity myself, I'm telling you, it was all I could do to keep myself from walking out permanently. As it is, I'm struggling with whether or not to go again. I've got this new calling as Primary Secretary that I've had for exactly one week, and am tempted to say to heck with it.

Maybe I should not have told my husband about it. I thought it might help him realize that he needs to fulfill his calling properly, which includes proof reading, but all it did was put further strain on an already shaky marriage.

Thoughts?

You are juggling a lot of issues. Your HT's intent stands apart from its effect. Of course you are sensitive about an inactive husband. It is a different world being "single" in the church that is very difficult for those living the "ideal" to understand. The Brain might benefit from seeing this through your eyes if you choose to talk to him.   I would be horrified to be named over the pulpit because of a mistake I made no matter what my activity level was.  I am very impressed that your husband does any calling at all.

 

I know that when I have a tangle of stuff going on it helps to separate and prioritize them so I can figure out where to invest my emotions. It isn't that any of what you said is unimportant, it is just that you can only take on so much.

[Jeanne]

Your husband is an adult.   If he doesn't want to have this assignment then he shouldn't have to; for you, the church or for anyone. He should do something he really enjoys.  That being said, "Brain" is not very bright.

[ERayR]

So my inactive husband does the ward bulletin/program for Sunday. This past week one of the speaker's names was misspelled. It should have been "Brian" but was "Brain" instead. My husband hates his calling and refuses to proofread anything. He just copies and pastes what is sent to him by email. He just simply doesn't give a damn about making sure anything is spelled right or anything else.

So "Brian" got up to speak on Sunday as the concluding speaker. He pointed out that his name was misspelled in the bulletin, and added, "And I know who did it, too. It's the guy who does the bulletin every week. His name is (insert my husband's first and last name)".

Everyone had to look at their bulletin first, then they all turned to look at me. Then the laughter began. I'm sure they all thought it was good-natured, but it struck me to the core that this man would do such a thing, and from the pulpit, no less.

This guy is our Home Teacher and is fully aware of my husband's inactivity and the problems we are having in our marriage.

Anyway, I came home and told my husband about the incident. He said he didn't care, and reminded me that he just copies and pastes and doesn't proofread. I told him that I cared, and that he should too.

This began an angry exchange in which our daughter, home for Thanksgiving, joined. She asked me why didn't I stop giving a damn about what those (insert F word) Mormons think. My husband reiterated that he truly does not care what people at Church think.

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did? Should I have not told my husband about it? Should I request a release for my husband, though doing so would sever all ties to the Church for him? Should I confront "Brian" about this and let him know how much damage it started? Should I speak with the Bishop about it?

Should I forget about it? Just coming back from inactivity myself, I'm telling you, it was all I could do to keep myself from walking out permanently. As it is, I'm struggling with whether or not to go again. I've got this new calling as Primary Secretary that I've had for exactly one week, and am tempted to say to heck with it.

Maybe I should not have told my husband about it. I thought it might help him realize that he needs to fulfill his calling properly, which includes proof reading, but all it did was put further strain on an already shaky marriage.

Thoughts?

Edited December 3, 2014 by ERayR

[Raingirl]

I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

Maybe your husband IS fulfilling his calling to the best of his ability at this time. Just because he isn't doing it the way that YOU think he should do it, doesn't mean that he is doing it "wrong" or is not doing his best. This may be the best he can do at this moment and instead of criticizing him (which is what you were doing when you told him what happened at church...it was like saying "See...other people think you are failing, too"), you should be encouraging him in his calling. Be glad that he has a calling and that he is doing it. Start there.

Your husband may very well care about what he has been called to do, but could very well be reacting to your criticism and judgment. Build him up instead of tearing him down. You have been inactive. Would a loved one judging you on that have made you feel all warm and fuzzy about the church?

I think you have a negative viewpoint of your husband and will sometimes project that feeling onto others, assuming they feel negatively about your husband when it is actually you that feels that way.

The joking about the misspelling of Brian as brain probably wasn't as heinous as you make it sound. If you had an issue with it, you could have had a private conversation with the person involved instead of rushing to tell your husband.

Your focus seems to be on your wants, needs and feelings and not those of your husband. That's not going to help him come back to church.

[Calm]

I don't think viewing your spouse as a person you need to win against is a good approach if you want to stay married.

Knowing how Duncan usually responds, I am pretty sure he meant the people at church who are less than supportive and did not mean to include her husband even if he is not completely supportive about her involvement.

[juliann]

 

Your focus seems to be on your wants, needs and feelings and not those of your husband. That's not going to help him come back to church.

That is out of line.

 

Some of the psychoanalyzing going on based on a couple of posts is inappropriate and certainly not helpful.

[The Nehor]

I would have called out the bulletin and thanked them for recognizing me for the "Brain" I am.

[Guest]

Not if it's forced. He obviously doesn't love his calling and doesn't even want it. He's just being forced to do it and as a result of the resent meant building he's just throwing it together to get it over with.

 

It doesn't make him a bad husband; it just makes him miserable. And getting on his case about it is just going to make it worse for him and yourself.

I don't think he is being forced, he can stop if he wants. But when someone does not come to Church, Bishop's will do anything they can to help them be a part. You are right, not wanting to do a calling such as this does not make him a bad husband.

[seriously honestly]

I guess I should have said "when it feels forced".

[Stargazer]

When we have funny mistakes in our ward bulletin, everyone laughs about it.  It's great fun.  I did the job for several years at the dawn of the computer era (before the ward even had their computer).  I never made any mistakes.  Ahem.

 

I think the fact that your husband does it at all is a good, positive note.  It may be that secretly he derives some satisfaction from it, even if he does not indicate it openly. 

 

My wife is a RS VT supervisor, but has no interest in computers, so I am her secretary.  I send out emails to the sisters in her district (using her email address), and when the replies come in I print them out so she can assemble her report.  Then I scan her report, turn it into a PDF, and send it to the sister responsible for collating it all (the RS Secretary I guess).  I will tell you, but don't tell my wife, that I don't really care about this "pseudo-calling", and I do not add any value (such as proofreading anything).  I don't care, but I am actually still proud of it. 

[BCSpace]

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did?

 

It sounds completely innocuous to me.

[cursor]

Just finished reading all posts in this thread and thought Ii'd say a couple of words.

 

If Silhouette's husband were an active, socially accepted member, Brian's pry for a start-in joke for his talk might be really harmless. However, for one to announce such a criticism, while including the full identifying name of the inactive member ... I think is highly insensitive, and not at all well thought out. Clearly the target wasn't in the congregation at the time. And, I might suspect (... get the feeling) that his inactivity might have been commonly known within the ward (given that solely 'Sihlouette' was the target of post-delivery visual attention).

 

How many better ways might Brian have delivered his joke, without potential insensitivity?  Seriously.

 

It may be that Silhouette's husband might not have cared ... but then again he might have been seriously offended, but chose not to show it. I've been there. If Brian were a bowling buddy (every Tuesday and Friday nights), then the "joke" might be viewed (and delivered) as being totally harmless. Given Silhouette's posted concern, it doesn't sound like Brian really knew Silhouette's husband at all. That spells insensitivity, frankly. Brian should take reference to himself as a "Brain" as a compliment ... instead, I think it's really an oxymoron.

 

With respect to the congregation's jovial reaction being any positive/harmless sign ... consider all of the foul/tasteless jokes that issued by so very many professional comedians today (much less by those who are not professionals at all) which are simply inappropriate or socially inappropriate. Very thoughtless secondary laughs are often stimulated and encouraged by the very first to react ... who are frequently the most brainless in the group ... followed by the other brainless folk. There always are, however, some thoughtful folk who refuse to participate in the sham. Good for them. 

 

To Silhouette:

• Don't bother involving your bishop about your husband's calling. That's solely your husbands place.
• Don't let this interfere with your marital relationship. Sounds like there are other (more priority) concerns to worry about.
• DO pull Brian aside and very kindly, yet succinctly delineate your reasons for concern about his public delivery. Be cool. Be calm. Be clear.
• This is not about your husband. It's about thoughtless delivery. Make your sole point of contact with "brainless."

Edited December 22, 2014 by cursor

[Ham Clam]

I've read some of Silhouette's posts from other boards.

This seems to me a piece of something bigger.

Hope things are going better for you.

[aconvert]

I was just reading this topic, and it reminded me of one thing (I should say lesson) that I experienced later in life.  I have to remind myself constantly about this, because it involves someone very dear to me - my mother.  When I was a toddler, my mother had my sister and I on harnesses tied to leases to keep us from wandering away.  For many years, I harbored a lot of resentment about that, but I still loved my mother.  I know it sounds silly, but I couldn't help but feel embarrassed to even talk about it.  After my wife bore our first child, it soon became apparent in the months to follow that our child had Autism.  After the years passed on to our child's toddler years, it suddenly dawned on me... the genius of it!  All this time, I harbored all that resentment, because I didn't stop to think of any possible or underlying reason for her doing that.  That notion made me rethink every time I would run  into any similar circumstance, where I would be tempted to harbor any ill feelings toward someone.  I just though I might mention that, because it sounds like you're having a difficult time with it.

[mikegriffith1]

So my inactive husband does the ward bulletin/program for Sunday. This past week one of the speaker's names was misspelled. It should have been "Brian" but was "Brain" instead. My husband hates his calling and refuses to proofread anything. He just copies and pastes what is sent to him by email. He just simply doesn't give a damn about making sure anything is spelled right or anything else.

So "Brian" got up to speak on Sunday as the concluding speaker. He pointed out that his name was misspelled in the bulletin, and added, "And I know who did it, too. It's the guy who does the bulletin every week. His name is (insert my husband's first and last name)".

Everyone had to look at their bulletin first, then they all turned to look at me. Then the laughter began. I'm sure they all thought it was good-natured, but it struck me to the core that this man would do such a thing, and from the pulpit, no less.

This guy is our Home Teacher and is fully aware of my husband's inactivity and the problems we are having in our marriage.

Anyway, I came home and told my husband about the incident. He said he didn't care, and reminded me that he just copies and pastes and doesn't proofread. I told him that I cared, and that he should too.

This began an angry exchange in which our daughter, home for Thanksgiving, joined. She asked me why didn't I stop giving a damn about what those (insert F word) Mormons think. My husband reiterated that he truly does not care what people at Church think.

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did? Should I have not told my husband about it? Should I request a release for my husband, though doing so would sever all ties to the Church for him? Should I confront "Brian" about this and let him know how much damage it started? Should I speak with the Bishop about it?

Should I forget about it? Just coming back from inactivity myself, I'm telling you, it was all I could do to keep myself from walking out permanently. As it is, I'm struggling with whether or not to go again. I've got this new calling as Primary Secretary that I've had for exactly one week, and am tempted to say to heck with it.

Maybe I should not have told my husband about it. I thought it might help him realize that he needs to fulfill his calling properly, which includes proof reading, but all it did was put further strain on an already shaky marriage.

Thoughts?

 

My one thought is that members should avoid using profanity, especially on a public forum.

 

My other thought is that the home teacher's joke was inappropriate and unwise.

[Kenngo1969]

My one thought is that members should avoid using profanity, especially on a public forum.

 

My other thought is that the home teacher's joke was inappropriate and unwise.

It was a 2-1/2-month-old post, Mikey!  I doubt your contribution to this thread is going to lure Silhouette out of lurk-dom ... if she even still frequents this corner of Cyber space at all, but ... whatever.

 

Sincerely,

 

-Ken

President of D*** Utah Mormons

[JLHPROF]

My one thought is that members should avoid using profanity, especially on a public forum.

 

Profanity is in the eye of the beholder.  Silhouette didn't use profanity.  OR did she?

The only word she used that could be considered profanity is ONLY considered profanity in North America.  In the UK for instance, it's not.