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My Inactive Husband Made Fun Of From Pulpit


Silhouette

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So my inactive husband does the ward bulletin/program for Sunday. This past week one of the speaker's names was misspelled. It should have been "Brian" but was "Brain" instead. My husband hates his calling and refuses to proofread anything. He just copies and pastes what is sent to him by email. He just simply doesn't give a damn about making sure anything is spelled right or anything else.

So "Brian" got up to speak on Sunday as the concluding speaker. He pointed out that his name was misspelled in the bulletin, and added, "And I know who did it, too. It's the guy who does the bulletin every week. His name is (insert my husband's first and last name)".

Everyone had to look at their bulletin first, then they all turned to look at me. Then the laughter began. I'm sure they all thought it was good-natured, but it struck me to the core that this man would do such a thing, and from the pulpit, no less.

This guy is our Home Teacher and is fully aware of my husband's inactivity and the problems we are having in our marriage.

Anyway, I came home and told my husband about the incident. He said he didn't care, and reminded me that he just copies and pastes and doesn't proofread. I told him that I cared, and that he should too.

This began an angry exchange in which our daughter, home for Thanksgiving, joined. She asked me why didn't I stop giving a damn about what those (insert F word) Mormons think. My husband reiterated that he truly does not care what people at Church think.

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did? Should I have not told my husband about it? Should I request a release for my husband, though doing so would sever all ties to the Church for him? Should I confront "Brian" about this and let him know how much damage it started? Should I speak with the Bishop about it?

Should I forget about it? Just coming back from inactivity myself, I'm telling you, it was all I could do to keep myself from walking out permanently. As it is, I'm struggling with whether or not to go again. I've got this new calling as Primary Secretary that I've had for exactly one week, and am tempted to say to heck with it.

Maybe I should not have told my husband about it. I thought it might help him realize that he needs to fulfill his calling properly, which includes proof reading, but all it did was put further strain on an already shaky marriage.

Thoughts?

Edited by Silhouette
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It sounds like Brian was just trying to be good natured funny (and that most people took it that way. If they had thought he was insulting your husband no one would have laughed).

I'm also guessing that if he thought it would offend you he would not have said anything. Everyone always thinks they need to start their talk with something funny and your hubby's typo provided the material.

Do you believe he was being insulting?

You probably shouldn't have told your hubby, but you were just trying to help. I certainly don't know your hubby but it sounds like just letting him do his calling (whatever gets printed) with no mention of the church might be the best way to handle things in the future if you want him to keep his tentative connection.

And talking to "brain" might be a good idea. It'll help him and hopefully you too.

:)

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You're husband doesn't seem to be offended, I wouldn't be either. Quite honestly what Brian said seems like something a friend would say. If he didn't like him or was actually upset over the misspelling he probably wouldn't have said a thing.

Edited by omni
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When I hear humiliating things about loved ones, I don't pass them on.

 

Yes the man had no business doing what he did.   (And your dh should put in the bulletin next week, "If you want a perfect bulletin, make sure your emails to the person who does them are perfect.   I just cut and paste what I get.")

 

Good for your dh not caring what others think.  

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I'm with your husband and I'm active. I don't care what people think of me, just God, Christ and my wife, everything else is frosting on the cake. Don't take offense, they are the ones doing it wrong.

I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

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My wife is church secretary and writes out the public "announcements" that priests customarily read before the sermon. One time a visiting priest had what I considered as unnecessarily harsh words regarding what he considered an unintelligible phrase. I didn't tell my wife about it. She still loves Fr._________, and I think she would have anyway, but why give her an obstacle, I thought. I didn't think any good could come from telling her about the incident.

 

It sounds to me, considering that others around you laughed, that it was not malicious and was understood to be in good fun even if it was insensitive to you.

 

I occasionally get frustrated with a few of the faithful at church, and there is one that is always a particular annoyance to me. His face, his voice, his clothing, and all of his singularly quirky behaviors are terribly distracting and irritating to me. But it is a "me" problem. I don't need to tell him how much he bugs me. God puts people like that in Catholic churches to show those of us who are trying to imitate Christ how much we fall short of Jesus. I say I believe that everything that anybody says or does or affects me in anyway is in some way a test, a gift, and a blessing from God. I need to act according to what I profess. I don't blame you for being angry and upset. I'm the guy who has thrown a telephone in the last six months after holding my temper talking to this fellow. I understand indignant anger and I fall victim to it. But I am making progress and learning to anticipate rougher moments and mainly trying to see things as they really are. Everything that everybody does to me or says to me comes from God for my sanctification. When I allow myself to get angry at someone for how they treated me, I am living a fantasy. I am fantasizing that somehow something was said to me or done to me that was independent of God's will for me.  

 

I am Catholic and not supposed to encourage people to go to other faiths, but in this instance, even if you said you were considering the Catholic Church, I would be obliged to tell you that you will find human irritation with us too. Until you decide that the CoJCoLDS is not the one true church, you cannot leave. You have to stay no matter what happens in your home or in your church if you still have your faith. I am all for you leaving for the right reasons, and the only right reason I know is so that you could become a Catholic. For now, I think you would be closer to becoming a Catholic by staying LDS than by leaving, and that is why I have a clear conscience in admonishing you not to abandon your faith because of people or events.

 

I hope you don't misunderstand me, Silhouette. I am only a little familiar with you here. I have no illusions about whether you have ever even considered my faith as an option. I assume not. I am merely explaining how I can find reason to encourage someone to stay where they are, when it isn't Catholic. May you find peace.

 

Rory

Edited by 3DOP
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Could it just be guys being guys? We can be truly brutal with our jokes and need to get a laugh. It would be sad if that is the only way "Brian" can get a laugh with his "Brain". :) You can use that to return the favor...but not to be mean. Also, when we men get out of control with it, it is our wives that snap us back to reality. I hope if he was too insensitive that is what his wife did.

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I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

Sorry if this goes personal, but it sounds to me like you have a personal issue with the way your husband does his calling (I get the open contempt for something you care about hurts and you probably see it as both verbal but also in what you see as carelessness....but as someone who alsodoes the bulletin, it needs to get the info out and if he is doing it almost every week, then that fill the needs of the job); it disappoints or bothers you in some way while Brian does not care and made a joke about...and in such a way that it looks like he likes your husband and appreciates him doing the bulletin even when he doesnt come. Edited by calmoriah
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I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

 

 

I confess, I don't understand why you think your husband is performing his calling improperly.  If I had that calling, I further confess, I would probably take your husband's approach to it: If you want it printed correctly in the bulletin, be sure it is correct when it is submitted to me; it goes in as submitted.

 

You are accountable to God for your relationship to Him and how you perform your callings in His Kingdom.  You are not accountable to God for your husband's relationship to God and how he performs his callings in God's Kingdom

 

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

 

I assume you didn't marry your husband so you could change him.  You can't change your husband, no matter how much you might want to; only he can change himself, and only you can change you.  In my practically-worthless opinion, that's where your focus needs to be.  Yes, ideally, people grow in a marriage, both individually and together as a couple.  But I assume you married your husband because you decided that you love him more than enough "as-is" to spend the rest of your lives together.

 

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. 

 

With due respect, those clauses .... (1) "I worry too much about what other people think" and (2) "He still ought to care more about what I worry about, even if it really isn't worth worrying about" .... seem mutually exclusive to me.  Either this is relatively "small stuff," or its not; you can't say, in one breath, "Yeah, this is small stuff," then say, in the very next breath, "but it's big enough that both of us need to worry about it."  Perhaps you need to consider whether you're doing a good enough job "picking your battles/worries," as it were.

 

My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

 

With due respect, I'm not sure I would take a vastly different approach to his calling than your husband is taking: Personally, I would be apt to tell people, "It goes in the way I get it.  If you want it proofread, then you need to proofread it before submitting it to me."  Maybe you're asking the wrong question: Why didn't the person who submitted Brother "Brain's" name to your husband not care enough to ensure that it was correct before submitting it?

 

I'm tempted to conclude that there are things going on here that are far bigger than a misspelling of a name on a bulletin, and the public "calling out" regarding that misspelling.  (Personally, I have no idea, nor do I want to: It's none of my business.)  If the shoe fits, search your heart; if not, I would let it go.

Edited by Kenngo1969
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My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

 

If you are asking for feedback ---- How he does his calling or not is between him and the Lord and him and the Bishop.   It is unreasonable of you to demand when you have no stewardship to do so.   (Not to mention you sound miserable, and dh sounds like he is yanking your chain.)    Your dh might well say that "a loving wife would make a simple change and quit telling me how to do my job", leaving both of your trapped in mutual disdain for each other instead of what marriage is supposed to generate.

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I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

I get what you are saying, but have you thought about it from your husband's point of view?

Does he feel like a kind and loving wife would take his feelings into consideration and not try to make him feel something for his calling that he doesn't want to feel, and do something he doesn't want to do?

Sometimes we can get so caught up in not having our own needs met that we completely forget about meeting our spouses needs. This is especially easy because we believe our needs are "right" while we often believe that our spouses needs aren't. So our logical subconscious mind is thinking "of course he should be meeting my needs because they are correct and of course I shouldn't be meeting his because they are incorrect".

The problem of course is that when both spouses start thinking that way neither are getting their needs met, neither are trying to serve their spouse, and everyone is unhappy.

I certainly don't know you or your hubby (and maybe he is all in the wrong and you are all in the right) but sometimes a situation needs a hero-someone who will "take one for the team". It's so easy to get caught up in wanting to be right that we sacrifice being happy without realizing it.

Sorry for the soap box. It's just that I have made this mistake in the past myself. :)

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Sorry if this goes personal, but it sounds to me like you have a personal issue with the way your husband does his calling, it disappoints or bothers you in some way while Brian does care and made a joke about...and in such a way that it looks like he likes your husband and appreciates him doing the bulletin even when he doesnt come.

Nope, I don't mind people getting personal if it's to point out something I'm doing that I ought not to be. You're right, I do have a problem with the way he does the bulletin. So ought he not to make an effort to make the one small change just because he knows it makes me unhappy the way he is doing it? Or just because he knows it's the right thing to do? I don't know why he doesn't just ask for a release since he clearly hates the calling and doesn't take any personal pleasure in doing a good job and magnifying his calling.

The guy who spoke knows our situation at home. My husband is already an outsider at Church, granted by his own choice, but poking fun of someone who is already an outsider from the pulpit just isn't appropriate. It's not the way to get the person to return.

The only reason I told my husband about the incident was because I had forgotten that he doesn't proofread the bulletin before making over 100 copies of it.

Perhaps the remarks were intended as a joke, but it was in poor taste, for unlike my husband, I care about my spouse and how people perceive him. It hurt to see him made the butt of a joke from a very public venue, and him not even there.

I guess the problem is with me though, since most of the responses are leaning toward it being my fault rather than the speaker's.

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Nope, I don't mind people getting personal if it's to point out something I'm doing that I ought not to be. You're right, I do have a problem with the way he does the bulletin. So ought he not to make an effort to make the one small change just because he knows it makes me unhappy the way he is doing it? Or just because he knows it's the right thing to do? I don't know why he doesn't just ask for a release since he clearly hates the calling and doesn't take any personal pleasure in doing a good job and magnifying his calling.

The guy who spoke knows our situation at home. My husband is already an outsider at Church, granted by his own choice, but poking fun of someone who is already an outsider from the pulpit just isn't appropriate. It's not the way to get the person to return.

The only reason I told my husband about the incident was because I had forgotten that he doesn't proofread the bulletin before making over 100 copies of it.

Perhaps the remarks were intended as a joke, but it was in poor taste, for unlike my husband, I care about my spouse and how people perceive him. It hurt to see him made the butt of a joke from a very public venue, and him not even there.

I guess the problem is with me though, since most of the responses are leaning toward it being my fault rather than the speaker's.

Just one more thought.

From my perspective (going only off of your description), i thought what Brian did was kind of sweet. Maybe I'm reading him all wrong but it seems like he was trying to take your hubby out of "outsider" and make him an insider.

I bet before Brian brought it up most people in the ward had no idea who did the buliton and now they do. Being an insider at church can't happen when no one knows you exist.

Plus, Brian made your hubby a part iof a new ward inside joke (in what I see as a good way). Having inside jokes together is how people bond. It's a true sign of inclusion.

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"The guy who spoke knows our situation at home. My husband is already an outsider at Church, granted by his own choice, but poking fun of someone who is already an outsider from the pulpit just isn't appropriate. It's not the way to get the person to return"

My experience at Church and it may be different than most because I've been in some great wards, is that people make jokes not about outsiders but of people who they see as members of the community. Brian may indeed see your husband the way you do, but he may not...he may look at him and think instead 'he protests alot but he still sees the hTs when we come and plenty others wont, he still does the bulletin week after week, so he still has his feet and heart if not perhaps his mind in the circle'' (and the bulletin can be a frustrating calling if you have last minute people so you do need to develop a bit of ruthlessness or you may get people calling youto change just one more thing even as you are walking out the door with it).

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Just one more thought.

From my perspective (going only off of your description), i thought what Brian did was kind of sweet. Maybe I'm reading him all wrong but it seems like he was trying to take your hubby out of "outsider" and make him an insider.

I bet before Brian brought it up most people in the ward had no idea who did the buliton and now they do. Being an insider at church can't happen when no one knows you exist.

Plus, Brian made your hubby a part iof a new ward inside joke (in what I see as a good way). Having inside jokes together is how people bond. It's a true sign of inclusion.

That is how I read it to...like he was reminding them that they should think of your husband being there in spirit in that he contributed to help making the meeting in a significant way. Calling someone a brain is after all a compliment even in a typo, Brian probably greatly enjoyed that.

You see your husband as not doing a good job so you see calling attention to it as intending to be an insult of some sort; but if Brian looks at it different, knows your husband doesn't like to do it and yet still does even if he is not attending, most likely Brian thinks well of him, not critical and if so Brian sees drawing attention as a compliment, an attempt to include rather than exclude.

Since he is your home teacher, if this bothers you, I would talk to him and ask him why he did that without explaining your concerns first, just that you were unsettled and didn't know how to take it. And then if he confirms your fears, you should share how that hurt you so that the relationship cam be mended. But hopefully he will explain how he meant it in a loving way because....

It must be hard to be back at Church pretty much alone these days with a lot on your mind. Remember our own natural (wo)man who resists change and those who wish to impede God's work of changing the hearts and minds of his children are going to do what they can to make your commitment to both the Church through the people you encounter there and to your personal faith weaker and create obstacles to these gatherings feeding your spirit as you need to have them do. It is a sometimes wise thing to ask oneself, when I feel this way about _________ how do I feel about God? Is this what I want to feel? If not, what do I need to change in me so I can feel like I want to?

And

Edited by calmoriah
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From a humorous point of view, your husband called a Brian a Brain, or didn't mind that someone else had called him a Brain. Kinda funny because your husband knew who he was talking about, or do you think he didn't?

And yes your husband should spell check. Everybody should spell check. God forbid anyone should ever misspell a word, especially in a ward bulletin.

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From a humorous point of view, your husband called a Brian a Brain, or didn't mind that someone else had called him a Brain. Kinda funny because your husband knew who he was talking about, or do you think he didn't?

And yes your husband should spell check. Everybody should spell check. God forbid anyone should ever misspell a word, especially in a ward bulletin.

If you're talking about one of those "manual, two-eye" spell-checks, I agree with you: but the automated, computer variety isn't going to pick up "Brain" when it should be "Brian," because "Brain" is a perfectly good word.  Just sayin'! ;)

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So my inactive husband does the ward bulletin/program for Sunday. This past week one of the speaker's names was misspelled. It should have been "Brian" but was "Brain" instead. My husband hates his calling and refuses to proofread anything. He just copies and pastes what is sent to him by email. He just simply doesn't give a damn about making sure anything is spelled right or anything else.

So "Brian" got up to speak on Sunday as the concluding speaker. He pointed out that his name was misspelled in the bulletin, and added, "And I know who did it, too. It's the guy who does the bulletin every week. His name is (insert my husband's first and last name)".

Everyone had to look at their bulletin first, then they all turned to look at me. Then the laughter began. I'm sure they all thought it was good-natured, but it struck me to the core that this man would do such a thing, and from the pulpit, no less.

This guy is our Home Teacher and is fully aware of my husband's inactivity and the problems we are having in our marriage.

Anyway, I came home and told my husband about the incident. He said he didn't care, and reminded me that he just copies and pastes and doesn't proofread. I told him that I cared, and that he should too.

This began an angry exchange in which our daughter, home for Thanksgiving, joined. She asked me why didn't I stop giving a damn about what those (insert F word) Mormons think. My husband reiterated that he truly does not care what people at Church think.

I am still in shock two days later here. Was it ok for "Brian" to do what he did? Should I have not told my husband about it? Should I request a release for my husband, though doing so would sever all ties to the Church for him? Should I confront "Brian" about this and let him know how much damage it started? Should I speak with the Bishop about it?

Should I forget about it? Just coming back from inactivity myself, I'm telling you, it was all I could do to keep myself from walking out permanently. As it is, I'm struggling with whether or not to go again. I've got this new calling as Primary Secretary that I've had for exactly one week, and am tempted to say to heck with it.

Maybe I should not have told my husband about it. I thought it might help him realize that he needs to fulfill his calling properly, which includes proof reading, but all it did was put further strain on an already shaky marriage.

Thoughts?

Seems to me, you're saying, your husband's approach to his calling is embarrassing you, it doesn't him. You took the pulpit event personally, he did not. 

 

My thought is, sometimes I take my husband's side on things, just because I know it's nice to have someone you love on your side, and it doesn't always have to be about me.

 

Good luck!

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I understand part of what you're saying, but don't you think someone with a calling should fulfill it to the best of their ability?

My husband deliberately refuses to do his calling properly, and has open contempt for it. He should at least care about pleasing God and Christ, even if he doesn't care what "those people" think of him.

And to me, the simple fact that it bothers his wife should compel a kind and loving husband to make a simple change, such as proof reading a few lines of text once a week. A good husband, especially one familiar with the Gospel, should certainly care what his wife thinks and feels, and have simple human consideration for other people.

Now granted, perhaps I worry to much about what the people in the "Great and spacious building" are thinking, but as stated above, he ought to take my feelings on the matter into consideration, since I'm his wife. My feelings are that my husband is very wrong in not caring about what God has called him to do. And the guy at the pulpit should not have said what he did.

 

Not if it's forced. He obviously doesn't love his calling and doesn't even want it. He's just being forced to do it and as a result of the resent meant building he's just throwing it together to get it over with.

 

It doesn't make him a bad husband; it just makes him miserable. And getting on his case about it is just going to make it worse for him and yourself.

Edited by seriously honestly
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Definitely don't do anything until you clear things up with "Brain", like another poster suggested...just ask outright your HT. You would figure out a nice way to ask why he did what he did. My bet is on what others are saying, but you may really have a jerk for a HT as well, or a whole ward for that matter if they laughed to go along with HT. But the odds are stacked more in favor for it being a way to include your husband in the circle. Getting his name out there...or what that other poster said.

Edited by Tacenda
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Silouette;

The biggest problem I can detect is that you seem determined to control people around you. You seem liek it's your responsibility to make sure other people say and do things as younthink they should. If your nusband doesn't make the ward bullettin correctly, so what? At leadt he does it. By all means address your concerns to him but as you do so I would suggest that you make no big deal out of his laziness. Compliment him on what je does right and good. Also, if he's the butt of a joke, look into it to see if it was vile. It seems the joke on him from the pulpit was quite friendly and should be laughed at.

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Hello Silhouette...

Boy, I sure have a different reaction... First, I'm appalled that Brian would be such a jerk as to make a joke from the pulpit over a typo.  Calling attention to your husband's error from the pulpit is not funny, probably IMO not done to make him feel "included" but is actually petty... and if it were me, I'd tell Brian so...

Second, I don't think you should have told your husband... here he is in a calling he clearly should ask to be released from since he hates it and it does nothing but cause him to fester inwardly with anger and resentment... 

I understand that if he does not have this calling that you think it will sever all ties he has with the Church... but how is this calling helping him to have better feelings about the Church or to be willing to ever even consider attending with you because he is so resentful... IMO it would be better for you to live the gospel by example, showing the positive effect your renewed activity in the Church is having on you... make your home more cheerful, more comfortable for both of you. Be a better partner and wife.  Build him up lovingly... not through forcing him to do something that clearly turns him away from the Church...

Perhaps a  better calling, if he is to be given a calling at all, would be with scouts or assisting with something in emergency preparedness, etc.  These are callings that would allow him some limited contact with ward members and a better way of feeling "included." 

Just my opinion...

 

GG

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