Wedding gifts….especially cash

[Calm]

I know this should probably be in Social, but I wouldn’t mind debate on this as I would like to see what the ideas are floating about out there.

What is everyone’s comfort level for weddings gifts, especially cash?  For family, good friends, and casual friends/neighbours that you don’t party with except at neighborhood things?

Not participated in a wedding for over two decades now and it suddenly dawned on me we haven’t changed our typical gift for years and we probably should.  We like to give cash because that was the most helpful as we were broke students (I didn’t do a registry as it made no sense to start collecting anything when we anticipated being stuck in student housing for another 4 years; my error probably as we did get some useless gifts, but they were the exception…and it was a lot more work for guests back then and I felt really awkward saying ‘go buy this for me’).

I know that Utah often runs lower because the cost of receptions and weddings can be quite low and if one isn’t getting a free meal out of it, that drops it lower, but other than that I am clueless.

As those who have possibly received and most likely given wedding gifts in the past, do you see going for the registry gifts as most appropriate, see cash as an always welcomed gift even if rather impersonal and forgettable, or do you prefer something that says something about you as well as the couple so a connection is strengthened?

[CV75]

Some couples prefer cash over a registry so I would oblige whichever they request in the announcent / invitation. If they don't specify a preference, I could go either way depending on what I think would make them happiest. 

[Peacefully]

I don’t get invited to many weddings. Not sure what that says about me, lol. When I have been invited, I’ve selected from the registry. I figure I can’t go wrong with something they picked for themselves:) 

[Notatbm]

We have had several wedding in our family this past year and also of the kids of our church friends. Every single one of them registered with Amazon. Usually a bunch of household items and you can also contribute to a honeymoon fund. I think it goes to a gift card. 
 

Several years ago when I went into the Corporate world a fellow Mormon buddy told me to not be stingy when it came to wedding gifts for co-workers or their kids. I asked what he meant and he said be generous, not Mormon! I was like what?? He said $25 bucks is an insult. He said Mormons are cheap cuz all their disposable income went to tithing. He wasn’t wrong. Most of our income after all expenses was eaten up by tithing there was no way I’d be able to give several gifts per year costing a few hundo each as was customary here at this office and in my follow-on non Mormon circle. Our office was big enough we had a couple per year not to mention other non Mormon friends. 
 

my rule of thumb… Mormon wedding ~ $50. Non Mormon $200 min. The expectations are just different. We usually just do cash because they ask for it. If we know them personally we also bring a card to the wedding or reception that has a note in it and a gift card to a restaurant. 

Edited August 2, 2025 by Notatbm

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Notatbm said:

and a gift card to a restaurant. 

Oh, I like that.

[Kenngo1969]

Cash does have the advantage of being highly fungible and, thus, highly useful in that sense.  Ditto for gift cards, though they are slightly less fungible.  Though one could, for example, get a VISA gift card: "It's everywhere you want to be!"   People have different feelings about registries, but, personally, I don't think they're a bad idea: "Hey, thanks!  At least I have some idea what you want, and/or what you believe is useful!"  ("What?  Another toaster?!!"      )  If I'm feeling especially intrepid, and/or if I know [at least one member of] the couple fairly well, I might dust off my creative skills [are they rusted shut yet? ] and try to create something that is sentimental (in the good sense of that word) and that, somehow, takes note of their pending life together.  

Personally, I wouldn't want anyone to feel too awkward to come because of the "reputation" of one's religious community, and I definitely wouldn't call anyone "cheap" simply because he or she didn't bring a gift, or because the gift fell below a certain dollar threshold: Different people have different expectations and different capabilities in that regard.  Frankly, I haven't RSVP-ed to more than a few wedding receptions [though it has been ages since I have been invited to one ... ] for precisely that reason.   (OMMV, but, personally, If I'm expecting someone to bring a gift, it occurs to me that perhaps I'm expecting one to come for the wrong reasons?)  Am I inviting someone to come because I would like the pleasure of one's company as we celebrate a significant life event together, or ... ?   

I've always said I wouldn't mind eloping, but perhaps my wife and her family [whoever you are, wherever you are, Love You, Dear(s)! ] would feel different.

[Tony uk]

I think Notatbm got it right with a gift card. The gift card is specific to a restaurant, and the people who receive the gift, get to choose what they have while there. 

[rpn]

The wedding gift I appreciated most is an atomic clock that still tells time in my living room some  40 years later and leaves me thinking of my SP's family (the gifter) every time I look at it.     But cash can also be good.

[MustardSeed]

Cash is always king. I do 100 for a wedding, 200 for nieces and nephews. 
 

If I go to a non-LDS wedding, I will look for a beautiful dish in the hundred dollar range

[Okrahomer]

1 hour ago, MustardSeed said:

Cash is always king. I do 100 for a wedding, 200 for nieces and nephews. 
 

If I go to a non-LDS wedding, I will look for a beautiful dish in the hundred dollar range

I have a similarly structured budget:  $200 for nieces and nephews, but I always take a look at their gift registry first and try to choose gifts that “fill-up” the amount — sometimes I go a little over.  If there isn’t enough left on the registry, I’ll just do a gift card.

Edited August 2, 2025 by Okrahomer

[Rain]

9 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

Cash does have the advantage of being highly fungible and, thus, highly useful in that sense.  Ditto for gift cards, though they are slightly less fungible.  Though one could, for example, get a VISA gift card: "It's everywhere you want to be!"  

The idea is ok, but my husband's work gives them to us for various occasions and I've found them to be a pain in the neck to use.  I didn't use his Christmas one till June because every time I tried it wouldn't work.  Finally in June I made it a mission to use and I finally got it done. 

It may be because it was an emailed one.  The physical card might be easier.

9 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

People have different feelings about registries, but, personally, I don't think they're a bad idea: "Hey, thanks!  At least I have some idea what you want, and/or what you believe is useful!"  ("What?  Another toaster?!!"      )  If I'm feeling especially intrepid, and/or if I know [at least one member of] the couple fairly well, I might dust off my creative skills [are they rusted shut yet? ] and try to create something that is sentimental (in the good sense of that word) and that, somehow, takes note of their pending life together.  

Personally, I wouldn't want anyone to feel too awkward to come because of the "reputation" of one's religious community, and I definitely wouldn't call anyone "cheap" simply because he or she didn't bring a gift, or because the gift fell below a certain dollar threshold: Different people have different expectations and different capabilities in that regard.  Frankly, I haven't RSVP-ed to more than a few wedding receptions [though it has been ages since I have been invited to one ... ] for precisely that reason.   (OMMV, but, personally, If I'm expecting someone to bring a gift, it occurs to me that perhaps I'm expecting one to come for the wrong reasons?)  Am I inviting someone to come because I would like the pleasure of one's company as we celebrate a significant life event together, or ... ?   

I've always said I wouldn't mind eloping, but perhaps my wife and her family [whoever you are, wherever you are, Love You, Dear(s)! ] would feel different.

 

[Calm]

While I like the idea of restaurant cards as long as they are enough for a good meal for two (so they don’t have to make the decision if they are quite broke whether it’s worth it if they need to cover some of it), now that I think of it there is the issue of perhaps it’s not a restaurant they like (I hate noisy restaurants for example) or maybe they have food restrictions (even garlic and onions can be an issue for some people and would make experimenting with new cuisines difficult as many sauces/dishes have one or the other, if not both).  I would suggest a steak house because steak and potato*** minus the toppings is probably safe for most, but then what if they are vegetarians (which is becoming more common it seems).

***did you know boiled or baked potatoes are generally considered the most satiating food—a boiled potato is rated 3 times as satisfying as the equivalent amount of white bread as well as being high volume for the calories.  Fried potatoes on the other hand…I guess the oil adds too many calories so you don’t get that much potato.  Satiation meaning reducing appetite here.  I will take potatoes over legumes anytime.

Book gift cards are typical in my family as we all love and most collect at least some type of book (even have a couple who have published children’s books among my nieces), but I have found them hard to use online so am wary of them now.

Edited August 2, 2025 by Calm

[Notatbm]

53 minutes ago, Calm said:

While I like the idea of restaurant cards as long as they are enough for a good meal for two (so they don’t have to make the decision if they are quite broke whether it’s worth it if they need to cover some of it), now that I think of it there is the issue of perhaps it’s not a restaurant they like (I hate noisy restaurants for example) or maybe they have food restrictions (even garlic and onions can be an issue for some people and would make experimenting with new cuisines difficult as many sauces/dishes have one or the other, if not both).  I would suggest a steak house because steak and potato*** minus the toppings is probably safe for most, but then what if they are vegetarians (which is becoming more common it seems). 

Texas Roadhouse , Chili’s or Panera are all safe gift cards. We also might give a gift card to Cheesecake Factory for dessert after a date. $20 on that gets them a slice to share (dont get em fat right off) and they can leave the balance for a tip. 
 

vegetarians just get two squares of alfalfa from me. I toss it in the bed of their truck or tie it off on the hood. 

[Calm]

1 hour ago, Notatbm said:

Texas Roadhouse

Not for me and other people with noise sensitivity as Texas Roadhouse tends to be loud from what I hear.  Chili’s you have to be careful with time of day as that can get noisy in my experience.  Besides the problem of hearing what my companions are saying, I don’t feel like ending the meal feeling like I was beaten by a baseball bat (do not ask me why my brain chooses to translate loud noise sometimes into physical abuse not only for my ears, but the rest of my body; I am tired of demanding an answer as my brain refuses to tell me why it is so masochistic).

Cheesecake Factory is agony for those with lactose intolerance from what I hear.  I have avoided it since since I got fibromyalgia, so I can’t share my personal experience there.

All are probably off the list of vegans, though it’s been awhile since I hit Chili’s so I may be wrong there.

I love me a good vegetarian, even vegan restaurant.  Or did before I had to dump garlic and onions. So much flavor.  It gets me to like beans even though I don’t like beans…except when ground up like in hummus yum yum (that’s its official name “hummus yum yum” btw).  I used to make a tasty spinach soufflé (just do custard these days as much less work, it’s a favorite of my husband’s; I have yet to try it with lactose free milk, that’s in the refrigerator for next time as I decided it would be worth the risk since I have finally gotten bored and want some custard and pudding…and waffles for dipping…for myself).

Highly recommend tofu to anyone willing to cook. It’s low calorie for the amount of protein you get, even less than chicken, and it will pick up any flavor you want as very bland itself. I just crumble up extra firm and treat it the same as ground meat.  Soft/silken tofu is great in soups and desserts, but for those who need low FODMAP, stick with the firmer varieties***. Can use in the same with a bit more work at blending it.

***the problematic fermentable sugars are water dissolvable, so they are removed through the compression process, similar** to the difference between soft cheeses (danger, Will Robinson!!) and hard (blissful indulgence…well, except for the fat content).

**the process for cheese includes digestion of these sugars by bacteria as well as pressing it to expel whey and then salting and aging while tofu is just getting all the water out by pressure, but in both cases hard is thumbs up, soft is thumbs down.

PS:  Ever wonder if is it grammatically acceptable to footnote a footnote?  Apparently not according to AI, but I feel rebellious today.

Oddly enough, I am not in the mood to eat today. Apparently just want to talk about eating. 

Edited August 2, 2025 by Calm

[Notatbm]

31 minutes ago, Calm said:

Not for me and other people with noise sensitivity as Texas Roadhouse tends to be loud from what I hear.  Chili’s you have to be careful with time of day as that can get noisy in my experience.

Cheesecake Factory is agony for those with lactose intolerance from what I hear.  I have avoided it since since I got fibromyalgia, so I can’t share my personal experience there.

All are probably off the list of vegans.

I love me a good vegetarian, even vegan restaurant.  Or did before I had to dump garlic and onions. So much flavor.  I used to make a tasty spinach soufflé (just do custard these days as much less work, it’s a favorite of my husband’s; I have yet to try it with lactose free milk, that’s in the refrigerator for next time as I decided it would be worth the risk since I have finally gotten bored and want some custard and pudding…and waffles for dipping…for myself).

Highly recommend tofu to anyone willing to cook. It’s low calorie for the amount of protein you get, even less than chicken, and it will pick up any flavor you want as very bland itself. I just crumble up extra firm and treat it the same as ground meat.  Soft/silken tofu is great in soups and desserts, but for those who need low FODMAP, stick with the firmer varieties***. Can use in the same with a bit more work at blending it.

***the problematic fermentable sugars are water dissolvable, so they are removed through the compression process, similar** to the difference between soft cheeses (danger, Will Robinson!!) and hard (blissful indulgence…well, except for the fat content).

**the process for cheese includes digestion of these sugars by bacteria as well as pressing it to expel whey and then salting and aging while tofu is just getting all the water out by pressure, but in both cases hard is thumbs up, soft is thumbs down.

PS:  Ever wonder if is it grammatically acceptable to footnote a footnote?  Apparently not according to AI, but I feel rebellious today.

Well if the newly minted couple doesn’t tell everyone about all their issues, they will have to figure out what to do with the gift cards. I’m fairly confident 99% of kids can make good use of em. 

[Kenngo1969]

15 hours ago, Rain said:

[Re: Unusuable VISA Cards] ... It may be because it was an emailed one.  The physical card might be easier.

 

I think that's probably the issue.  I don't know that I have ever had a problem using a physical VISA gift card.  FWIW.

[blackstrap]

Given the state of marriage today, I might be tempted to just send a card saying " Good Luck "

[Calm]

On 8/2/2025 at 12:12 AM, Notatbm said:

everal years ago when I went into the Corporate world a fellow Mormon buddy told me to not be stingy when it came to wedding gifts for co-workers or their kids. I asked what he meant and he said be generous, not Mormon! I was like what?? He said $25 bucks is an insult. He said Mormons are cheap cuz all their disposable income went to tithing. He wasn’t wrong. Most of our income after all expenses was eaten up by tithing there was no way I’d be able to give several gifts per year costing a few hundo each as was customary here at this office and in my follow-on non Mormon circle. Our office was big enough we had a couple per year not to mention other non Mormon friends. 

I am not impressed by your friend’s alleged insight given the bold is inaccurate.  Or yours for that matter since you think he was right.  LDS members’ disposable income does not go only to tithing, tithing is something we generally do as well as other charitable giving.

In actual research, LDS are shown to not only use their disposable income and time for religious purposes such as tithing, they also contribute to their greater communities.  And these secular contributions are quite significant, equal to what other Americans do and give on average, not less, even if the secular donations are less than the religious contributions to the Church.  Iow, the Church contributions do not substitute for generosity to other causes, but is in addition to such causes if one compares to other Americans.

https://penntoday.upenn.edu/news/penn-research-shows-mormons-are-generous-and-active-helping-others#:~:text=Researchers found that active members,that of the average American.

Quote

The least frequent volunteer activity is social volunteering outside of the church, equating to almost 8 percent of the Latter-day Saints’ volunteer time.  Nearly 62 percent of the respondents indicated that they volunteer outside of the church.  On average, an active Latter-day Saint provides 34 hours of social care outside the ward that is geared toward the community...

While LDS members volunteered fewer hours to causes independent of the church, even if this were the only volunteer activity of Latter-day Saints, it would equal the national average of volunteering of all Americans, according to the study which cites previous research conducted by the Corporation for National and Community Service.

The researchers determined that, through volunteering, an active Mormon provides a social contribution equivalent to $9,140 annually.  If young, full-time missionaries are excluded, their social contribution still equates to $7,102 per year.

All the regions studied reported similar levels of overall volunteering.  The study notes that this suggests that the expectations for the amount of time spent volunteering is the same for all LDS members, but the distribution of those hours depends on the needs in the local area.

In terms of the LDS members’ financial contribution to not only the church but also to other charitable causes, they outshine non-Mormon Americans yet again.…

But, the study found, members of the LDS Church also donate to other causes.  Through the church, on average, a Latter-day Saint donates $650 a year to social causes and another $1,171 a year outside the church.

The researchers divided their findings regarding monetary donations into two categories: secular giving, or donating money other than through the church to support a worthy cause, and welfare giving through the LDS Church.

The study shows 48 percent of the respondents reported donating money through secular giving.  On average, a Latter-day Saint donates $1,171 annually to social causes outside the church.

The study illustrates most common reported activity in welfare giving was through “fast offerings.”  On the first Sunday of the month, healthy members of the church are encouraged to fast for two consecutive meals and donate the money they would have spent on food to the church as a “fast offering,” the report says.  Local Mormon leaders use the fast offerings to help members and non-members in need. 

LDS members can also donate money to the church’s global humanitarian aid efforts or to a no-interest student loan program run by the church, food drives or other ward-initiated fundraising efforts.  The study reveals that an average Latter-day Saint donated $650 annually to social causes through the church.

Taken together, an average Latter-day Saint pays full tithing and donates $1,821 to social and community causes.

My bolding…

If interested in amounts of tithing and volunteer hours given to the Church, the article includes that.  I left it out since my purpose was to refute the claim “all disposable income went to tithing”.  I included hours to show LDS are willing to give up their ‘disposable’ time as well.

Edited August 3, 2025 by Calm

[Rain]

While how much income did have something to do with what I gave some of the time, most often it had to do more of what my priorities were.  For example a gift to my nephew will always be a priority over a gift to a coworker's child who I have never met.  For that matter a gift to charity will also be a priority over a couple who I have never met or don't know well, unless I am very close to their parents.

Unless, I am very close to the parents I just no longer give wedding gifts to couples I don't know.  I didn't use to feel this way till one day I was in Target and thought to get a gift for a ward members child.  I can't remember the whole problem, but it had somerhing to do with not finding them under the ward members last name, but I realized I didn't even know their first names.  And then I wondered why I was giving a gift to them.  I didn't even know their parents well enough to know what their kid's names were! 

Anyway, my priority is not my husband's coworker's children, but even the rare times it would be it is to help them start out - not to give them lots of splurges.  

If someone wants to call me a cheapskate because I don't give what other people do then they don't know me well enough to invite me to a wedding. 

[Calm]

2 hours ago, Rain said:

While how much income did have something to do with what I gave some of the time, most often it had to do more of what my priorities were.  For example a gift to my nephew will always be a priority over a gift to a coworker's child who I have never met.  For that matter a gift to charity will also be a priority over a couple who I have never met or don't know well, unless I am very close to their parents.

Unless, I am very close to the parents I just no longer give wedding gifts to couples I don't know.  I didn't use to feel this way till one day I was in Target and thought to get a gift for a ward members child.  I can't remember the whole problem, but it had somerhing to do with not finding them under the ward members last name, but I realized I didn't even know their first names.  And then I wondered why I was giving a gift to them.  I didn't even know their parents well enough to know what their kid's names were! 

Anyway, my priority is not my husband's coworker's children, but even the rare times it would be it is to help them start out - not to give them lots of splurges.  

If someone wants to call me a cheapskate because I don't give what other people do then they don't know me well enough to invite me to a wedding. 

I very much agree with this post.

In this particular case, I want to both help out a kid I knew well and have fond memories of and communicate those feelings to both him and his parents (assuming they are helping out enough to know).  I can’t without some intrusiveness find out actual level of need because the parents will say “don’t worry about it, they are doing fine” in most cases because they are kind to others and don’t want to impose and are well off enough themselves to help their kids out if needed.  Since I can’t know actual need, I am depending on cultural expectations to convey that I care…thus my interest in the going rate.   

One reason why I don’t have a clue is I have been ignoring what that amount is in most of the weddings we are invited to (and my husband but not I attends) as I never talked to, sometimes even met their kids and often not even the parents if a coworker of my husband.  My husband has given the gift, he mentions an amount and I say fine without thinking about it.  I don’t know if he gives it to all he goes to, there’s lots he misses.  In the cases where I do know them, it’s usually been family where I could ask a nonparent who gives me the straight scoop on actual need without regard to whether parents can help out or not.  And everyone has been doing quite well lately or I have helped them out in other ways (like paying them generously for helping around the house as I have kept track of minimum wage, what they get paid at other jobs etc…..why am I going into all this detail? Must be bored, lol), so the wedding gift is more of a goodbye bonus.

Edited August 4, 2025 by Calm

[Notatbm]

5 hours ago, Calm said:

I am not impressed by your friend’s alleged insight given the bold is inaccurate.  Or yours for that matter since you think he was right.  LDS members’ disposable income does not go only to tithing, tithing is something we generally do as well as other charitable giving.

In actual research, LDS are shown to not only use their disposable income and time for religious purposes such as tithing, they also contribute to their greater communities.  And these secular contributions are quite significant, equal to what other Americans do and give on average, not less, even if the secular donations are less than the religious contributions to the Church.  Iow, the Church contributions do not substitute for generosity to other causes, but is in addition to such causes if one compares to other Americans.

https://penntoday.upenn.edu/news/penn-research-shows-mormons-are-generous-and-active-helping-others#:~:text=Researchers found that active members,that of the average American.

My bolding…

If interested in amounts of tithing and volunteer hours given to the Church, the article includes that.  I left it out since my purpose was to refute the claim “all disposable income went to tithing”.  I included hours to show LDS are willing to give up their ‘disposable’ time as well.

How does service relate to wedding gifts?

I gave my take on how I do wedding gifts and why/ what I give. 

[bluebell]

4 hours ago, Rain said:

While how much income did have something to do with what I gave some of the time, most often it had to do more of what my priorities were.  For example a gift to my nephew will always be a priority over a gift to a coworker's child who I have never met.  For that matter a gift to charity will also be a priority over a couple who I have never met or don't know well, unless I am very close to their parents.

Unless, I am very close to the parents I just no longer give wedding gifts to couples I don't know.  I didn't use to feel this way till one day I was in Target and thought to get a gift for a ward members child.  I can't remember the whole problem, but it had somerhing to do with not finding them under the ward members last name, but I realized I didn't even know their first names.  And then I wondered why I was giving a gift to them.  I didn't even know their parents well enough to know what their kid's names were! 

Anyway, my priority is not my husband's coworker's children, but even the rare times it would be it is to help them start out - not to give them lots of splurges.  

If someone wants to call me a cheapskate because I don't give what other people do then they don't know me well enough to invite me to a wedding. 

I think that's a great policy.  

I know that when we were working on the invite list for my son's wedding, the main issue was making sure that no one in the ward felt left out.  It was not about getting gifts from everyone invited.  No one should feel entitled to a gift just because they sent the invitation, and they should be mature enough to appreciate whatever is given and not think they are owed some extravagant amount or present.

[Calm]

53 minutes ago, Notatbm said:

How does service relate to wedding gifts?

I gave my take on how I do wedding gifts and why/ what I give. 

You made a claim, I refuted it.

My thread, I can say whether it’s allowed to ramble or not.

And default for me is rambles and sidetracks allowed, especially once the opening post has been addressed, which in this case I thought had, though wouldn’t mind more opinions for future reference 

Edited August 4, 2025 by Calm

[Notatbm]

11 minutes ago, Calm said:

You made a claim, I refuted it.

My claim is that I agreed with my friend after experiencing the same thing. You really trying to “refute” my personal experience? Oh boy

Edited August 4, 2025 by Notatbm

[Calm]

11 minutes ago, Notatbm said:

You really trying to “refute” my personal experience?

No, I am not since you wrote it as a statement of fact, not personal experience.  Neither did your friend if he made such a global statement as you claim.  He didn’t limit it to you or other LDS that he knew and you didn’t say “he was right in my case”.

Edited August 4, 2025 by Calm