Wedding gifts….especially cash

[Rain]

10 minutes ago, bluebell said:

I think that's a great policy.  

I know that when we were working on the invite list for my son's wedding, the main issue was making sure that no one in the ward felt left out.  It was not about getting gifts from everyone invited.  No one should feel entitled to a gift just because they sent the invitation, and they should be mature enough to appreciate whatever is given and not think they are owed some extravagant amount or present.

Yes!

We have had 2 weddings so far and haven't had to worry about people feeling left out. One was in another state and was pretty much only family.  Besides the few times he went to church in this house (we moved after he graduated) was a singles ward and most ward members didn't even know we had another child.  With my daughter it was covid times so we kept that pretty small too. 

With my youngest I suspect it is something we will need to worry about - the invitations. But the gifts? I have never wanted someone to feel like they couldn't come because they couldn't afford a gift. This the main reason we asked for no gifts at birthday parties.  And similarily it is why we paid for the bridesmaid dresses instead of the bridesmaids doing it. While we won't ask for no gifts for my son's wedding, I want people to know they are welcomed or wanted no matter how much they do or don't bring.  

[bluebell]

10 minutes ago, Notatbm said:

My claim is that I agreed with my friend after experiencing the same thing. You really trying to “refute” my personal experience? Oh boy

You claimed:  He said Mormons are cheap cuz all their disposable income went to tithing. He wasn’t wrong

Since you can't personally know this about all latter-day saints, it would be weird for Calm to assume you were speaking about your personal experience.  

[bluebell]

4 minutes ago, Rain said:

Yes!

We have had 2 weddings so far and haven't had to worry about people feeling left out. One was in another state and was pretty much only family.  Besides the few times he went to church in this house (we moved after he graduated) was a singles ward and most ward members didn't even know we had another child.  With my daughter it was covid times so we kept that pretty small too. 

With my youngest I suspect it is something we will need to worry about - the invitations. But the gifts? I have never wanted someone to feel like they couldn't come because they couldn't afford a gift. This the main reason we asked for no gifts at birthday parties.  And similarily it is why we paid for the bridesmaid dresses instead of the bridesmaids doing it. While we won't ask for no gifts for my son's wedding, I want people to know they are welcomed or wanted no matter how much they do or don't bring.  

We paid for the bridesmaid dresses at my own wedding for the same reason.  I think it makes zero sense to ask a bridesmaid to foot that bill when it's not really for her.  It's for you!

[Notatbm]

13 hours ago, bluebell said:

You claimed:  He said Mormons are cheap cuz all their disposable income went to tithing. He wasn’t wrong

Since you can't personally know this about all latter-day saints, it would be weird for Calm to assume you were speaking about your personal experience.  

Ok so it’s my opinion. Are you asking to engage in a multi page discussion on why you don’t agree with me or can you just accept that was my discussion making process and also my opinion? 

[Calm]

29 minutes ago, Notatbm said:

Ok so it’s my opinion. Are you asking to engage in a multi page discussion on why you don’t agree with me or can you just accept that was my discussion making process and also my opinion? 

I don’t know about bluebell, but I am perfectly okay with leaving it as simply being your poorly written, scientifically incorrect opinion….kind of like the beliefs of flat earthers.  

Edited August 4, 2025 by Calm

[bluebell]

49 minutes ago, Notatbm said:

Ok so it’s my opinion. Are you asking to engage in a multi page discussion on why you don’t agree with me or can you just accept that was my discussion making process and also my opinion? 

Nope, just pointing out that it wasn't reasonable to expect Calm to believe that statement was based on your personal experiences.

[Amulek]

On 8/1/2025 at 6:48 PM, Calm said:

What is everyone’s comfort level for weddings gifts, especially cash?  For family, good friends, and casual friends/neighbours that you don’t party with except at neighborhood things?

My mother always believed that giving money was too impersonal, as it lacks the thoughtfulness she believed ought to be associated with gift-giving. She was of the opinion that a gift should reflect (1) knowledge of the recipient's tastes, needs, or interests; and (2) the time and effort spent selecting (or making) something meaningful. 

In such a worldview, giving cash feels like bypassing this effort entirely and can be interpreted as, "I didn't really bother to think much about you or what you would really like."

She also would emphasize the sentimental value of a gift rather than its practical utility. The idea here is that a good gift creates a lasting memory or emotional connection. The giver's personality and care are considered part of the gift. Money lacks this kind of personal signature by nature and thus ought to be avoided. 

That being said, I've always personally thought that cash makes for a great gift, and, honestly, it's what I prefer to receive myself.

Don't get me wrong, I very much love giving thoughtful gifts. And I freely admit that I get a certain amount of utility from the process of reflecting on those I know and coming up with creative ways to deliver something special to make them happy (it's a fun exercise).

However, I also recognize that not everyone grew up thinking about gift-giving the way I was raised, and if a gift is really supposed to be for someone else, then what they think matters. 

What my wife and I tend to do now is look for something on their registry we believe they will legitimately enjoy or get some serious use out of. 

If we can't find something that really speaks to us, then we just pick something that we really enjoy (or have found to be useful), like a good pair of kitchen shears, and then we just add a wad of cash to go along with it.

We've given lots of things-you-wouldn't-normally-think-of as the "little gift" - a bottle of Goo Gone, LED light bulbs, an actually sharp (but inexpensive) chef's knife, etc., and I've been surprised at how many times those little (but useful) things have been commented on, sometimes years later. 

 

Edited August 4, 2025 by Amulek

[Rain]

3 hours ago, Amulek said:

My mother always believed that giving money was too impersonal, as it lacks the thoughtfulness she believed ought to be associated with gift-giving. She was of the opinion that a gift should reflect (1) knowledge of the recipient's tastes, needs, or interests; and (2) the time and effort spent selecting (or making) something meaningful. 

In such a worldview, giving cash feels like bypassing this effort entirely and can be interpreted as, "I didn't really bother to think much about you or what you would really like."

She also would emphasize the sentimental value of a gift rather than its practical utility. The idea here is that a good gift creates a lasting memory or emotional connection. The giver's personality and care are considered part of the gift. Money lacks this kind of personal signature by nature and thus ought to be avoided. 

That being said, I've always personally thought that cash makes for a great gift, and, honestly, it's what I prefer to receive myself.

Don't get me wrong, I very much love giving thoughtful gifts. And I freely admit that I get a certain amount of utility from the process of reflecting on those I know and coming up with creative ways to deliver something special to make them happy (it's a fun exercise).

However, I also recognize that not everyone grew up thinking about gift-giving the way I was raised, and if a gift is really supposed to be for someone else, then what they think matters. 

What my wife and I tend to do now is look for something on their registry we believe they will legitimately enjoy or get some serious use out of. 

If we can't find something that really speaks to us, then we just pick something that we really enjoy (or have found to be useful), like a good pair of kitchen shears, and then we just add a wad of cash to go along with it.

We've given lots of things-you-wouldn't-normally-think-of as the "little gift" - a bottle of Goo Gone, LED light bulbs, an actually sharp (but inexpensive) chef's knife, etc., and I've been surprised at how many times those little (but useful) things have been commented on, sometimes years later. 

 

I have such a love/hate relationship with your mom's way. I whole heartedly believe in it.  I was raised that way as well, but I am such a terrible gift giver for some people, even within my family. I will stew and stress over giving meaningful gifts to a few people to the point that I no longer like to give gifts for occasions. 

I should just be ok with cash because it would be so much easier for me and normally, I am so into practicality, but I just have not been able to do it.  Now my go to for weddings is something to do with baking from their registry plus hot pads I crochet in colors I see in their registry. 

Edited August 5, 2025 by Rain

[Amulek]

12 hours ago, Rain said:

I have such a love/hate relationship with your mom's way. I whole heartedly believe in it.  I was raised that way as well, but I am such a terrible gift giver for some people, even within my family. I will stew and stress over giving meaningful gifts to a few people to the point that I no longer like to give gifts for occasions. 

I should just be ok with cash because it would be so much easier for me and normally, I am so into practicality, but I just have not been able to do it.  Now my go to for weddings is something to do with baking from their registry plus hot pads I crochet in colors I see in their registry. 

I do think a lot of this is really just how we were raised. My wife and I attended a Muslim wedding for the first time here in the last year or so, and we were surprised when we discovered that ours was the only physical gift on the receiving table. Everybody else - and I literally do mean everybody else - simply gave money; apparently, that's just the norm in their culture. 

While I do enjoy giving personalized gifts, I've always considered money to be giving people the gift of choice, and I think it's a perfectly acceptable option. You are free to spend it on anything you like - dinner, shoes, an extra payment on your credit card balance - whatever makes you happy. 

I can probably count on one hand the number of gifts I remember being given from specific individuals at our wedding (e.g., the Kitchen Aid from my mom, the hand-stitched quilt from my grandmother-in-law). But pretty much everything else is a blur. And while I don't remember who all gave us cash either, I do know we used it to buy most of the furniture in our first apartment - some of which we still have to this day.  

 

[Tony uk]

I think, the benefits of giving a financial gift. The married couple can use the money towards something they can best use starting out married life together.

 A physical gift, has to be one the giver knows will be of use to the married couple need. As such of be of use to the couple. 

 It can be a bit 50/50 as to what to do sometimes.

[Rain]

11 minutes ago, Amulek said:

I do think a lot of this is really just how we were raised. My wife and I attended a Muslim wedding for the first time here in the last year or so, and we were surprised when we discovered that ours was the only physical gift on the receiving table. Everybody else - and I literally do mean everybody else - simply gave money; apparently, that's just the norm in their culture. 

That's interesting.  I get to go hang out with Afghan refugees today.  If I remember I'll have to ask if that is typical. 

11 minutes ago, Amulek said:

While I do enjoy giving personalized gifts, I've always considered money to be giving people the gift of choice, and I think it's a perfectly acceptable option.

I need to be clear - I do think it is ok too, in fact I think it a great gift.  I just haven't been able to get myself to do it. 

11 minutes ago, Amulek said:

You are free to spend it on anything you like - dinner, shoes, an extra payment on your credit card balance - whatever makes you happy. 

It's different with couples just starting out of course or your children who don't have much for birthdays, but the last few years I have been kind of laughing about cash gifts sometimes. I see friends giving cash to each other at Christmas or maybe my wedding is the same month as your wedding and we both give each other cash gifts and practical me wonders why give the cash at all if they are going to give it back? And yet, I love registries because then you know it is a gift they want. See, my feelings are so mixed about my own gift giving. 

11 minutes ago, Amulek said:

I can probably count on one hand the number of gifts I remember being given from specific individuals at our wedding (e.g., the Kitchen Aid from my mom, the hand-stitched quilt from my grandmother-in-law). But pretty much everything else is a blur. And while I don't remember who all gave us cash either, I do know we used it to buy most of the furniture in our first apartment - some of which we still have to this day.  

 

 

[SeekingUnderstanding]

23 hours ago, Notatbm said:

Ok so it’s my opinion. Are you asking to engage in a multi page discussion on why you don’t agree with me or can you just accept that was my discussion making process and also my opinion? 

The not rude thing to do would be to apologize, that you wrote your experience in a generalized over broad way and that you appreciate the additional data brought to light here. That is only if you are interested in truth and not some dogmatic ax to grind. 

[Notatbm]

1 hour ago, SeekingUnderstanding said:

The not rude thing to do would be to apologize, that you wrote your experience in a generalized over broad way and that you appreciate the additional data brought to light here. That is only if you are interested in truth and not some dogmatic ax to grind. 

Why do I need to apologize for my opinion which informs how I give wedding gifts? I didn’t tell anyone how they should do it, we were asked what we do. I offered what I do and why I do it. Simple. If someone wants to take offense (and I don’t think bluebell was offended) and turn every single comment into  some reason to be offended so be it. 

[MustardSeed]

On 8/4/2025 at 7:51 AM, Notatbm said:

Ok so it’s my opinion. Are you asking to engage in a multi page discussion on why you don’t agree with me or can you just accept that was my discussion making process and also my opinion? 

If you want to participate here easily you need to understand the culture of the well established group. 
when you make a statement, if it is fact, be prepared to back it up. If it’s opinion, state it as so.

The statement that all Mormons use their extra money to donate to the church  is completely baseless and IMO is stated in such a way to make us look like idiots. I would request that if you are going to join this party that you show a little more respect for the intelligence of those who are participating here. 

[Tacenda]

On 8/1/2025 at 5:48 PM, Calm said:

I know this should probably be in Social, but I wouldn’t mind debate on this as I would like to see what the ideas are floating about out there.

What is everyone’s comfort level for weddings gifts, especially cash?  For family, good friends, and casual friends/neighbours that you don’t party with except at neighborhood things?

Not participated in a wedding for over two decades now and it suddenly dawned on me we haven’t changed our typical gift for years and we probably should.  We like to give cash because that was the most helpful as we were broke students (I didn’t do a registry as it made no sense to start collecting anything when we anticipated being stuck in student housing for another 4 years; my error probably as we did get some useless gifts, but they were the exception…and it was a lot more work for guests back then and I felt really awkward saying ‘go buy this for me’).

I know that Utah often runs lower because the cost of receptions and weddings can be quite low and if one isn’t getting a free meal out of it, that drops it lower, but other than that I am clueless.

As those who have possibly received and most likely given wedding gifts in the past, do you see going for the registry gifts as most appropriate, see cash as an always welcomed gift even if rather impersonal and forgettable, or do you prefer something that says something about you as well as the couple so a connection is strengthened?

I like to give cash, but now I'm wondering how much, usually $100 is what I give, but maybe that's not as much as it use to be. 

[SeekingUnderstanding]

4 hours ago, Notatbm said:

Why do I need to apologize for my opinion which informs how I give wedding gifts?

You first need to read what people say. If you had done this one small simple thing you would have realized that no where did I or anyone else ask you to apologize for you “opinion”. 

[Calm]

5 hours ago, Rain said:

That's interesting.  I get to go hang out with Afghan refugees today.  If I remember I'll have to ask if that is typical. 

I thought Chinese culture was easy given the numerous red envelopes I see being handed out for weddings in dramas, but apparently what kind of red envelope and the numbers matter, lol.

https://orientalmestore.com/blogs/news/chinese-wedding-gift-guide?

Quote

 

Traditionally, the Red envelopes, known as "红包" or "hong bao," are a customary and deeply appreciated gesture. These envelopes, filled with monetary blessings, symbolize good fortune and provide invaluable support as the newlyweds embark on their marital journey, has been the go-to gift for Chinese weddings, and it remains a core practice.  It's common to see hóngbāo given during the wedding banquet, alongside registry gifts.

• How to Choose the Right Red Envelope for a Chinese Wedding

Selecting the right red envelope design is paramount, with many featuring auspicious symbols like the "囍" "double happiness" sign or traditional Chinese proverbs denoting enduring love and harmony. Opting for neutral designs adorned with the Chinese character "福" (meaning "blessing") ensures versatility for various celebratory occasions.

• How much do you give for a Chinese wedding?

Determining the appropriate monetary amount to include in a red envelope can be a delicate task. Traditionally, the value should at least cover the cost of your attendance at the wedding banquet.  The total amount inside the hóngbāo should always be an even number, as even numbers are associated with good luck and harmony. Odd numbers, on the other hand, are linked to funerals and should be avoided. The number 4 is considered highly unlucky in Chinese culture because its pronunciation (sì) sounds similar to the word for “death” (sǐ). Therefore, avoid giving amounts like 40 or 400. The number 8 is considered extremely lucky because its pronunciation (bā) sounds similar to the word for “wealth” (fā). It’s common to give amounts like 888, which are associated with good fortune and prosperity. Consider your relationship with the couple when determining the amount, with closer ties warranting a more generous gift.

 

Includes other Asian cultures:

https://www.theknot.com/content/red-envelope-wedding#:~:text=Rather than simply giving a check or,wishes and the money into one package.

Apparently Malaysia Muslims use green envelopes and some Hindus who liked the idea use purple according to wiki.

Edited August 5, 2025 by Calm

[Notatbm]

4 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

The statement that all Mormons use their extra money to donate to the church  is completely baseless and IMO is stated in such a way to make us look like idiots. 

Hmmm ok. It isn’t “baseless “ either or we wouldn’t hear in conference about people who pay tithing instead of buying food for their kids. 
 

So is a faithful member who is frugal with their money (and pays a full tithe which for everyone else would be “disposable income”) and has pretty much nothing left at the end of the month an idiot because they are now broke? 
 

we were like that for several years after getting married. Was I an idiot for sending my otherwise disposable income to the church instead of saving for retirement or some such productive thing? It was all we had left… well actually we paid it first as instructed … you know before feeding your kids and all that stuff we have heard in conference. 
 

there are many members out there who are very responsible with their money and pay a full tithe and at the end of the month broke as hell. No disposable income left unless one didn’t pay their fire insurance. Are they idiots? 

 

Edited August 5, 2025 by Notatbm

[MustardSeed]

1 hour ago, Notatbm said:

Hmmm ok. It isn’t “baseless “ either or we wouldn’t hear in conference about people who pay tithing instead of buying food for their kids. 
 

So is a faithful member who is frugal with their money (and pays a full tithe which for everyone else would be “disposable income”) and has pretty much nothing left at the end of the month an idiot because they are now broke? 
 

we were like that for several years after getting married. Was I an idiot for sending my otherwise disposable income to the church instead of saving for retirement or some such productive thing? It was all we had left… well actually we paid it first as instructed … you know before feeding your kids and all that stuff we have heard in conference. 
 

there are many members out there who are very responsible with their money and pay a full tithe and at the end of the month broke as hell. No disposable income left unless one didn’t pay their fire insurance. Are they idiots? 

 

Sorry I won’t indulge this. I have my own thoughts about tithing and not all of them are good, but I don’t experience you here as being open to a conversation outside of an agenda that I can’t get on board with. Be well.

Edited August 5, 2025 by MustardSeed

[Rain]

11 hours ago, Rain said:

That's interesting.  I get to go hang out with Afghan refugees today.  If I remember I'll have to ask if that is typical. 

I was able to ask someone who translates at the refugee center about this.  She says that it is pretty mixed between physical and money gifts ...and helping.  From what I got from her a lot of people help out with the wedding as their gift.  I know we do that hear too, but it sounds like a bigger thing than here.  

Most of the immigrants here are Afghan so it's entirely possible that Muslims from Iran, or Egypt or Somalia, or even another region may do it differently and that it is more geographical than religious. 

11 hours ago, Rain said:

I need to be clear - I do think it is ok too, in fact I think it a great gift.  I just haven't been able to get myself to do it. 

It's different with couples just starting out of course or your children who don't have much for birthdays, but the last few years I have been kind of laughing about cash gifts sometimes. I see friends giving cash to each other at Christmas or maybe my wedding is the same month as your wedding and we both give each other cash gifts and practical me wonders why give the cash at all if they are going to give it back? And yet, I love registries because then you know it is a gift they want. See, my feelings are so mixed about my own gift giving. 

 

 

[Amulek]

15 hours ago, Notatbm said:

there are many members out there who are very responsible with their money and pay a full tithe and at the end of the month broke as hell. No disposable income left unless one didn’t pay their fire insurance.

I know lots of people, both members and non-members, who tithe to their church and have zero disposable income left over each month; they are living paycheck to paycheck. 

If I knew that was someone's situation, I hope I would have enough grace left in me to not give them too much crap over not spending "enough" money on a gift for every co-worker/acquaintance's kid that happens to get married. YMMV.

 

Edited August 6, 2025 by Amulek

[Notatbm]

2 hours ago, Amulek said:

If I knew that was someone's situation, I hope I would have enough grace left in me to not give them too much crap over not spending "enough" money on a gift for every co-worker/acquaintance's kid that happens to get married. YMMV.

 

Since you replied to my post.. did I somewhere say that I gave people crap for not giving “enough” money for a gift? 

[Amulek]

22 hours ago, Notatbm said:

Since you replied to my post.. did I somewhere say that I gave people crap for not giving “enough” money for a gift? 

You didn't have to say it outright - the condescension did the talking for you. 

In the first comment you made in this thread, you shared how your fellow Mormon friend advised you "not to be stingy when it came to wedding gifts for co-workers or their kids" and that you should "be generous, not Mormon!" [emphasis in original]

You went on to relate how he said "$25 bucks is an insult" and that "Mormons are cheap," before you proceeded to say, "He wasn't wrong." 

Now, maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but (to me, at least) it really sounds like you are agreeing with the guy you just said you were agreeing with. 

 

[Notatbm]

36 minutes ago, Amulek said:

You didn't have to say it outright - the condescension did the talking for you. 

In the first comment you made in this thread, you shared how your fellow Mormon friend advised you "not to be stingy when it came to wedding gifts for co-workers or their kids" and that you should "be generous, not Mormon!" [emphasis in original]

You went on to relate how he said "$25 bucks is an insult" and that "Mormons are cheap," before you proceeded to say, "He wasn't wrong." 

Now, maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but (to me, at least) it really sounds like you are agreeing with the guy you just said you were agreeing with. 

 

Yep in the context of his comment and my experience there, my experience showed me he wasn’t wrong. I had two kids get married while I worked there (I’m still there) and our ward /stake circle of friends are all six figure earners ( I mean all of em. That’s the area we live in. It isn’t rich, but $100k cars are a common site at the stake center) That said when helping the kids do their gift inventory and sending out thank you’s I have to say I was surprised to see lots of cheap gifts compared to my experience at work with people who make similar incomes you had people giving tickets to cruises, thousand dollar cash gifts etc. it made me look cheap. The last gift I gave was to a young couple who both have good first jobs and they are the kids of a co-worker. Since they were kinda set up and I knew they were scotch fans I got em a bottle of scotch and a gift card to Cheesecake Factory. The bottle of scotch was $400 (macallan sherry oak 18 year if you must know). 
 

I would never give a gift worth that much for a Mormon wedding, it isn’t expected and I’m pretty sure no one else is doing that either if the gift inventory in my own area is any indicator. 
 

The guy who told me not to be cheap is in my ward.  He is the one who got me the connection for the job and the advice he offered was when we all got an invite to a wedding of a co-worker. My buddy wasn’t slamming Mormons, he offered advice that would prevent embarrassment later on. 
 

 

[Rain]

4 hours ago, Notatbm said:

Yep in the context of his comment and my experience there, my experience showed me he wasn’t wrong. I had two kids get married while I worked there (I’m still there) and our ward /stake circle of friends are all six figure earners ( I mean all of em. That’s the area we live in. It isn’t rich, but $100k cars are a common site at the stake center) That said when helping the kids do their gift inventory and sending out thank you’s I have to say I was surprised to see lots of cheap gifts compared to my experience at work with people who make similar incomes you had people giving tickets to cruises, thousand dollar cash gifts etc. it made me look cheap. The last gift I gave was to a young couple who both have good first jobs and they are the kids of a co-worker. Since they were kinda set up and I knew they were scotch fans I got em a bottle of scotch and a gift card to Cheesecake Factory. The bottle of scotch was $400 (macallan sherry oak 18 year if you must know). 
 

I would never give a gift worth that much for a Mormon wedding, it isn’t expected and I’m pretty sure no one else is doing that either if the gift inventory in my own area is any indicator. 
 

The guy who told me not to be cheap is in my ward.  He is the one who got me the connection for the job and the advice he offered was when we all got an invite to a wedding of a co-worker. My buddy wasn’t slamming Mormons, he offered advice that would prevent embarrassment later on. 
 

 

If the people in your ward and stake are that wealthy, they are not giving "cheap" gifts because all their extra income is going to tithing.  

If people are able to give cruises and $1000 gifts, then I suspect they are out of touch with what the average person, Mormon or not, gives.

Edited August 7, 2025 by Rain