Overcoming Pornography Addition

[why me]

I wonder if porn addiction is similar to alcoholism. It strikes just those that have the gene. How some people can drink and be fine at social drinking or occasional use and others it can be a problem. I know alcoholism affected some in my family and I've heard that it can be hereditary or one can be susceptible. Therefore maybe it should be told that it only takes once, or that may or may not work. Since porn can happen without one's trying sometimes, which is so unfair.

Back in the seventies, a acquaintance of mine liked to visit porn threatres on times square. He also visted live sex shows and strip clubs. NYC was such a place and times square was the porn capital of the USA. He once told me that if porn gets in the blood, it never goes away. He was right. But we need to remember that porn has been around for more that 2000 years. It existed in ancient rome, greece, india, china etc. The problem today is that it is easy to access and so, many people are viewing it and becoming addicted. But for humans, the idea of seeing other humans having sex is something that is particular to humans. Human sexuality is wired in the brain. But after eve ate the fruit and covered herself up when she heard god's voice, the problem began. Before that, the human body was natural to behold for adam and for eve.

[The Nehor]

I wonder if porn addiction is similar to alcoholism. It strikes just those that have the gene. How some people can drink and be fine at social drinking or occasional use and others it can be a problem. I know alcoholism affected some in my family and I've heard that it can be hereditary or one can be susceptible. Therefore maybe it should be told that it only takes once, or that may or may not work. Since porn can happen without one's trying sometimes, which is so unfair.

 

There is probably a genetic component. I am sure there are other factors. Sexual frustration, general loneliness, lack of intimacy in one's life (sexual or not), and other factors can make porn more attractive.

 

I am convinced that porn is not healthy for anyone. I do not think there is an equivalent to social drinking of social porn use. The Word of Wisdom is only for the saints. The Law of Chastity, including the commandment to refrain from porn, is universal. Some can handle pornography without completely destroying their lives or becoming clinically addicted. Despite avoiding catastrophic problems I still think it weakens those who consume it.

[BlueDreams]

Sorry Pogi, this week got really busy, I haven't read beyond page 4 of this thread yet, but I wanted to answer this. 

Can you clarify this for me, are you suggesting that this man was likely not addicted to pornography, but porn is simply the symbol for everything wrong?  Or are you suggesting that the cultural stigma of pornography is responsible in part for turning a mild "self-soothing" mechanism into a full blown addiction?

 

Perhaps this couple did use porn as the symbol for all of their problems, and perhaps the stigma did lead up to the divorce in some way, but that is besides the point.  The significant indicator here is that the man believed that he could have saved the marriage (something he desperately wanted to do) by giving up porn (something he could not do).  So, whatever the reasons leading up to the divorce, it is the perception that the divorce was avoidable by stopping porn is what gives us significant insight into the severity of the problem. 

 

To me, regardless of the factors that play into the behavior (cultural and interpersonal factors, underdeveloped coping skills, etc.) when the behavior becomes uncontrollable to the point where a person continues to choose the behavior despite significant harmful consequences, it is an addiction in my book.  

 

I am not being a contrarian just for the sake of being a contrarian, but I respect your opinion and perspective and am interested in your thoughts on the issue.

 

I didn't think you were being much of a contrarian. My personal perspective is from someone who works largely from the perspective of systems. So I'm used to seeing a number of the presenting problems as not really the problem. Presenting problems in couples in general, IMO, is similar to a surface being propped up of several legs or sticks. when you remove some  of the root supports, many things about the problems just dissolve. I don't porn was the heavy problem that led to their marriage crashing and ending. What I meant as a symbol, is more that it's the face of the problem. Porn twice a month in and of itself is (generally) not enough for a marriage to end. I've seen/known couples where there is porn use at some point or persistently and it's not the end....it's not even their major concerns. I've also heard it stated by the wives it's not really the porn, it's the lying, secrets, etc that are more the problem. Where porn is ok in the relationship, twice a month isn't even thought about. 

 

In one way or another the porn was probably viewed as a severe breach in the rules/expectation for their marriage. Part of that is personal (not even all LDS will feel exactly the same about porn use based on their relationship), part of this is social (the stigma), and part of this may be other problems in their relationship that porn feeds into (kinda like an infection in an open wound....it's not the infection that's the cause of the wound, but it's sure making the wound a whole lot worse). 

 

I don't know if I'm suggesting either of what you wrote. I don't doubt the man probably had a lot of power to change his relationships and that porn, if he could have kicked it then, would have made a serious change in their relationship. I'm just not convinced that the porn use you described, in and of itself, would have altered many of their relational dynamics that pre-existed and developed overtime. Their relationship may not have ended in divorced, but it might not have been happy either. And if that tension was ever released in a slip with porn (which is bound to happen), it might have placed it right back into crisis. I'm saying that his porn use was a problem, but that their reaction and interaction as a couple with it helped create it into a crisis. 

 

 

I would argue that those numbers are far higher but there is no way to prove that.  Only using subjective questionnaires and no real guidelines for diagnosis, with the DSM not even recognizing the disease, it is incredibly difficult to come up with actual numbers.  

 

 

 

The number is usually ascribed as 10%....the 15% was me tacking on a higher number. But I honestly think that a true porn addiction is not an astronomically high number. Here's some semi-anectdotal evidence. I work as an intake worker to a clinic (this basically means I screen out cases that are too high risk for a training clinic) and I work for a private clinic that specializes in sex therapy. In the private clinic, where sexual problems are the key focus, my supervisor estimated that about 1/3 of all of his clients are working with some form of sexual addiction (so not just porn). We're in UT and work with largely LDS populations, so I'm going to assume that a good amount of that is porn....but not all of that. So let's say a 1/4 in a clinic that would naturally get a disproportionately higher amount of people with a porn addiction. When I'm doing my intake work for a general clinic (takes in all sort of problems that are not deemed in need to serious specialized care) that number, unsurprisingly drops substantially as to how many are presenting with this as a concern. We don't have a major influx with porn....depression and anxiety by far outrank it. So considering this I really wouldn't go higher than 20% (and that feels high to me). 

 

I actually don't hear the brethren talk much about addiction recovery (I actually wish that they would learn and teach more about it - I think it would soften their tone).  They take more of a preventative approach it seems, using scare tactics to keep youth away.  Unfortunately it doesn't work and only adds to the shame as tietjens mentioned.  I understand that they are well meaning, but there is a better way.  Most bishops are ill-equipped as well.

 

 

You've probably heard more conversations about porn than I have in a church setting, since these seem to happen in more male meetings than female. The few I have heard, I'd agree with more the scare tactic, plague-ish language that you mentioned. The few times I've heard it mention in a female setting focuses on people who have relationships with porn addicts. They're usually a mix of sad/hopeless cases mixed with being assertive of your own rights (which can often entail an unintended message of ditching the relationship). This could also do with being in singles wards. 

 

 

I think the best approach is for the brethren to teach that (and I will repeat myself here) while pornography is wrong, such curiosity is completely healthy and normal but should not be allowed to govern our behavior, that we are not a bad people for being sexually attracted to the opposite sex, that it is ok to be tempted and may make mistakes but should always strive to do better in addressing the roots of the habit or addiction, and should seek the forgiveness of an understanding and merciful God, and seek professional help where needed.  The sisters need to hear from the brethren that their husbands are not evil men and that their actions do not amount to infidelity.  They need to understand that pornography use is not related to the imperfection or lack of attraction of the spouse.  Both spouses need to practice patience, concern, and empathy as they work through their issues with the support of their families and others. 

 

 

This I can agree with....although there is more I would add to the sisters side of thing. That not only their husbands are not even, but that if they've looked they're not alone. A growing number of women also look at porn and in the church, if it persists or becomes and addiction it can be extremely isolating. In the church there is an unintended message that someone I know gave me the perfect line for: men are talk to not act on the sexual thoughts, women are taught not to have the thought. So a woman who a) has them and b.) has found ways to express them can inadvertently feel a heavy level of isolation and shame. 

 

 

With luv,

BD