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How Do I Survive Divorce? Can A Marriage Be Saved?


lds-convert-sw

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So my story is really long, but the short story is... My wife and I were married for 6 years, together a total of 8. I really really messed up, and I was not the man I should have been. She has been through a lot. There was a day this summer, the 'last straw' when my wife decided "Enough, I can't take anymore". And so we aren't together anymore. Divorced. But, an amazing experience happened shortly after, as I hit rock bottom in my life. A true revelation from God, and my eyes were opened to all I did, and what I needed to do. I knew our Savior on a personal level, for the first time ever. I was reborn. I know this sounds completely crazy, even clichéd, but I am not the man I used to be. (Click HERE if you have 15 minutes, you can read about what happened in great detail)

 

My questions are:

1. Can a marriage be saved?, especially a temple marriage. I love my (ex) wife so much, and I hurt so deeply, knowing the pain I've caused. I understand my covenants I made, finally. I want to be the husband I should have been. But it may be too late.

 

2. Anyone who has gone through divorce as a Latter-Day Saint, how have you survived? How is it possible to live again? How can a heart heal? Most days, I feel like my heart is literally going to tear itself apart. I go to sacrament (a different ward) and while I love church, I feel alone. All the talk of marriage, and families are forever, and husbands and wives, and I don't belong anywhere anymore. I know we all have trials, but I can't find my way, I'm lost. I don't know who to talk to, I've talked to my bishop, and he's nice, but he has enough to deal with. Who do I turn to (Earthly), I have no family, my kids won't talk to me, I have no friends anymore. Every day I'm on my knees begging the Lord for forgiveness and asking for help.

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I don't know the future unless the Spirit reveals it but I believe that all things can be healed. Christ can heal I know that.

believe that. If you are truly changed. Trust in that. Fast and pray for guidance and healing. And listen to the Spirit. The Lord may tell you not to pursue reconciliation at this time. If He does listen. But have faith enough to seek it.

these things cannot be rushed. Learn the principles in section 121. You cannot force anything.

have faith in Jesus Christ no matter what happens. And remember there is always hope.

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...have faith in Jesus Christ no matter what happens. And remember there is always hope.

Thank you very much. I am not as familiar with D & C as I should be, but I will read 121 immediately. I do trust the Lord. Sometimes it's like clouds, the sun is ALWAYS shining (somewhere), but if you're under the clouds, it's hard to see the sunlight. (Hmm... Son, Light)  One thing I know is, I feel the spirit like never before. Maybe I'm being selfish, I should ask myself, what is ___ (my ex) going through?

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That's probably a good place to start. The golden rule is always a good place to start.

you should probably start with talking to her share your new experiences with the Lord. Apologize for whatever you've done. Good place to start.

id recommend reading the love dare. They made the movie fireproof about it. Also love & respect. Neither are lds books but I've found them both to be good resources for living a Christian marriage.

I hope you are able to reconcile. Especially if you have any children.

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Actions/behaviors speak louder than words. I am very cynical whenever I hear of some person behind bars claim to have ' found Jesus ' and turned over a new leaf. If I see 10 years of good behavior and fulfilling positive goals etc. , I am much more inclined to accept that they have really changed. Destroying something is way quicker and easier than building it. This is especially true of trust in relationships. That said, if you are prepared to be patient, you may be rewarded with a renewed connection with your family.

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I read your link. You may have to accept that your relationship is over. .....  Lord loving you and helping you to repentance does not mean that you get the happy ending you want. In the end God will lead you to happiness but it may not come where and how you expect. To quote Elder Holland:

 

Yes, I understand what you are saying. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. :) I have never been where I am now, in my life. I always had it easy, and even though I was warned, I didn't listen. Jeffrey R. Holland is right, but sometimes it's a bitter pill. But as someone suggested, I just got done reading D & C 121, twice. And although "to me" things may seem unbearable, it is nothing compared to what our Prophet endured, or our Savior. I had known that already, but I needed a reminder. God is not a respecter of persons. Why would I be immune to trouble?

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Actions/behaviors speak louder than words. I am very cynical whenever I hear of some person behind bars claim to have ' found Jesus ' ...

Strappingglad, I'm sorry if you don't believe me. I wouldn't believe me if it hadn't happened. "Finding Jesus in jail?" Yea, right! and I'm the last person who would have believed such a thing could happen. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not saying I'm even close. I'm not even saying I deserve another chance from anyone I've hurt, I'm just trying to come to terms with everything. From my perspective, we had a great life together, and then I was yanked out of it. Obviously in hindsight, that's not the complete story. I understand that now. I really do just want to be Christ-like from now on, because I wasn't before. I know I am the boy who cried wolf, saying "I've changed, I've changed!", and then, when it really does happen, no one believes him. and rightfully so.

 

I am sorry if I hit a nerve with you, Strappingglad, I deserve it.  Have a good night.

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I'd recommend reading the love dare. They made the movie fireproof about it. Also love & respect. ..

I will read both. Thank you for the suggestion. I honestly didn't know where to turn, regarding self help stuff?  I am reading scriptures, every day, as much as I can, with the Lord's help, this time I will heed what I'm reading.

I know the following applies to me, and that I will get little sympathy here. I just wanted to know how people cope with divorce from an LDS perspective.

"For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil." Ecclesiastes 12:14

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A marriage can be saved as long as both parties are in the rescue mission.

Thank you. I've been saying to my ex (I can't get used to that word) "Please believe I'm telling the truth".  But as Strappingglad said, It will take a long long time for her to trust me again, if ever.

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Hello lds-convert-sw...

I tried to send you a personal message but you can't receive them yet (not enough posts).  I agree with what others have said... and, I say be patient... be humble... take things slowly.  Will she talk to you?You will have to start all over...   If so, then I'd ask to be able to take her and your children to Church... live by example... show her the "new you." Be gentle and thoughtful... don't push her.   She has been wounded and you did it... it will take time to undo it.  You might even have to court her all over again.  Do so with a glad heart.  Make her laugh.  Make new memories... memories of the person you say you are now. 

But above all... do not do any of these things unless you truly have changed and truly do want to put your family back together again and want your life with them as an honest and loving husband and father.  Do not start something and offer hope and then turn back to any of your old ways... to hurt her again would be... woe, woe unto you.

 

GG

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...be gentle and thoughtful...  You might even have to court her again... Make her laugh.  Make new memories...

 

GG

Thank you Garden Girl, for being patient in your words. Everything you've said is correct. That is exactly what she says wants. She has told me that I would need to court her, which we never did in the first place. I never really knew how to be patient or loving, but I want to be, and I know I can be. Without the church, without God, without my scriptures, I honestly would not have survived. Like the story on my web page talks about, I have been given a chance, a new life, and I'm not going to blow it this time. Thank you for your kindness and advice :)

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Ask her a lot of questions about what and how she wants things and then follow that rather than how you think it should be. Communication, lots of it is key. Don't make assumptions and if she gets frustrated that you have to ask, just gently tell her you are rotten at mind reading and prefer to make a little trouble for her upfront rather than a lot of trouble later on.

Otoh, when it comes to courting watching and listening to her closely and then coming up with something on your own that she would like can help a great deal in demonstrating you are listening to her, her needs and desires are important to you and you don't just want her around because it makes you feel better.

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Otoh, when it comes to courting watching and listening to her closely and then coming up with something on your own that she would like can help a great deal in demonstrating you are listening to her, her needs and desires are important to you and you don't just want her around because it makes you feel better.

Thank you. I really do care about what she wants. It may seem small, but last week I even took out the trash on my own, without anyone asking. Because I actively seek ways to make her life easier. (She has health problems). My step-son said "wow!, that's not like you!". I wasn't a malicious person, I just never really knew I was selfish. I'm grateful to be able to share here. I have a new ward, and I've met some nice people, but it's hard to open up. What do I say? "I messed up my life, and hurt everyone I knew, but I'm ok now". My bishop knows, and he has been supportive. Like someone here said, everything will take time. I'm grateful for being alive.

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One of the sexiest things my husband does is to clean the kitchen like I like it cleaned, though he hasn't cleaned out the refrigerator yet.

His family had a lot of clutter around, mine did not and so for me clean means everything is put away after cleaning. It takes him extra thought to do that and it doesn't always happen.

He has cleaned all the house's bathrooms once when I was gone for several weeks, that really impressed me because he never ever did it before...or since though I make him clean his own now we use two different ones in hopes he will develop the habit. :)

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One of the sexiest things my husband does is to clean the kitchen like I like it cleaned, though he hasn't cleaned out the refrigerator yet.

:D I used to never understand why my wife always wanted things clean, but now I understand. 1. It's a female thing. 2. She grew up in a very chaotic environment, and that's what she's able to 'control' in her life, and that's ok. I respect that now. and it's just nice to have things clean. I wish I didn't learn the hard way, but at least I'm learning. she went out of town for the thanksgiving week, she was going to have me watch the house and the dog, but my car broke down. But I had been planning on cleaning the whole house. I just want to do nice things. Like when the husband takes the stick to the rug to help clean it, in the.. either the Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Restoration movie, or was it The Emma Smith Story?

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My advice is to live righteously, as though your dw remains your dw, but without making your life her problem.   Do service.   Pay not just what the court ordered for child support, but what is really fair from your earnings if that is more.   Honor every visitation.  Be very unselfish.  Be a good man.   Spend less than you make.  Be thrifty.   Be self-supporting.  Be faithful in your covenants.   Do these things for you, not her.   Be trustworthy.   Do not date.  

 

While none of this may be enough to fix anything with your ex, all of them together will at least create a world where you can feel square with God, which will in turn help you get through being without your spouse.   At various points in teh process, a year, three years, you can ask your ex on a date and see where it goes.  But at some point, you will have to accept a continuing "no thanks".   Give her some notice "In six months, I'm going to ask you one more time to marry me again.   I'll understand if you again say "no".   But it will be the last time I ask.  Because I do want to try to make a life I can share with someone, if you cannot do it with me.   Will you consider before then whether you are willing to try again?"

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My advice is to live righteously ... Do service ....  Be very unselfish .... Be a good man. .... Be self-supporting ... Be faithful in your covenants.   Do these things for you, not her.   Be trustworthy.   Do not date.  

Give her some notice "In six months, I'm going to ask you one more time to marry me again. 

RPN, thank you. All those suggestions make sense and I know all of them, but sometimes it helps to have someone else lay it out for me.  As someone pointed out, it doesn't mean I'll get the fairy tale/happy ending I wanted, but I'll be better for it. I want to be right with God, I am living the WoW now, and everything else I should be, but there's a lot of history/garbage.

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Well, I appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. I found out my (ex) wife is already in a "very" serious relationship, possibly not obeying the WoW. Not even 2 months after our divorce. Even though the divorce was a result of my actions, how can someone move on that quick? It breaks my heart. I don't know how to express how much it hurts, I am in the deepest, darkest depression of my life. She told me she wanted to "start over",but she really meant "start over with someone else". Some my first question still stands "How do I go forward?" I know I should put my faith in the Lord, I'm trying. But lately it's a one way conversation. I don't get any answers. I go the the Temple, but when I'm there, I think of her sitting across from me, and she's not there. Everywhere I go, everything I do, brings back memories. What coping skills do you know of if you've gone through a divorce and you didn't want it to end? I know there must be some light out there, but I can't see it.

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I don't think it is so much moving on, but needing to feel safe and loved again.  IOW her need created in part by the history of your relationship is a cause in her current choice.  "Moving on" means you aren't heavily influenced anymore by whatever event or relationship you are moving on from.

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I don't think it is so much moving on, but needing to feel safe and loved again.  IOW her need created in part by the history of your relationship is a cause in her current choice.  "Moving on" means you aren't heavily influenced anymore by whatever event or relationship you are moving on from.

I appreciate your comments. Right now I don't think I'll even feel safe or loved again. But as my grandpa always said "you made your bed, now you have to lay in it".

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I am so sorry... is there any way to meet with her and talk to her about how you feel and wanting to keep your marriage intact... and... what you are willing to do to show her how much you love and need her... if she truly has turned from you, then that is one of the consequences you are left with...

If after you talk she still wants to end your marriage, then you must accept that that is the way it will be, and you need to learn from this.

The main thing is not to turn way from the Gospel, or Heavenly Father and the Savior, in bitterness and depression... rather, place yourself in their hands.  Draw closer to them and ask their guidance and blessing of peace.  You say you "don't get any answers."  Remember that your spirit is depressed and hurting deeply right now and that can sometimes prevent you from feeling the peace and comfort of the Spirit...  or of receiving "answers."

She has been deeply hurt... I had a dear friend whose husband hurt her so badly that she became depressed and disullusioned, and turned away from the gospel, saying, she had done everything right... why did this happen to her.  Then proceeded to go inactive.  Perhaps this is what your ex is doing... I hope not... Will she agree to meet with you?

 

GG

 

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