How Do I Survive Divorce? Can A Marriage Be Saved?

[lds-convert-sw]

I am so sorry... is there any way to meet with her and talk to her about how you feel.....

.....then that is one of the consequences you are left with...

Thank you Garden Girl. Yes, she will meet with me. The weird thing is, she was meeting up with me regularly until last week. She would ask me to come over and watch movies, we went out to the movies, she had me over for conference, she called me up when she was getting gas at Sam's Club, so I could get the cheaper price, I would do nice things for her all the time, I gave her money a few weeks ago, because I know she's struggling financially (so am I, but I had a little), I wasn't expecting anything in return, it really was just kindness. I thought we were on track to 'eventually' get back together, but then it all stopped, when she met someone. I won't say how I know.

 

Yes, you are right, I may have to live with the consequences. Maybe I need to find a depression support forum or something. Because I'm all alone. No friends, no family, I guess that's why I posted here, just to reach out to someone. I wish I knew people, but I moved here to be with my wife. I would never hurt myself (because I don't want to suffer the consequences of that action), but sometimes I feel like it. A thousand pounds on top of me is what it feels like.

[Calm]

It is a feeling (being safe and loved) that is the prime motivator for the vast majority of people, though what satisfies that need is unique for each individual. I hope you can find it to the fullest of your desire, but even in a healthy relationship this can take years. For someone whose life is changing in very dramatic ways as yours is, your expectations of being in a place where that can take place realistically should be not very soon. Feeling stable enough to engage with someone in a stable interaction takes time when life is rewritten. We were told not to make any major decisions or plans for a year after my daughter was diagnosed with diabetes. (and divorce and all its aftermath whatever that may be, even reconciliation, is considered more stressful than a life threatening disease) They said it would take that long to figure out what our 'new' life was going to be like and to adapt to it...minimum. It has actually taken much longer for both my husband and daughter ( for me it was just another chronic health thing to deal with like I had be dealing with since I was a child with my mom, so my adjustment was much less complex than theirs), my husband about 6 months in went into a pretty deep depression and it took at least a year to convince him he needed therapy...and the diabetes was actually a very small part of that, it was the fact that the additional stress churned up all the stuff that he had sat on as unnecessary to deal with over the years, but suddenly every little thing grew in significance and it all became a vicious circle of frustration leading to resentment leading to anger leading to guilt (his family didn't deal with negative feelings due to a father who was very kind, but learned how to love pretty much from a textbook so thought the answer to conflict was to say "I love you" but it just came across as dismissive manipulation no matter how sincere he was unfortunately). For my daughter...in many ways she is still processing it because it set off complicated medical problems that doctors just gave up on and so burdened her she just withdrew instead of dealing with it....and I can pretty much guarantee besides her dad's temporary issues this was the safest, most supportive home and family and neighbourhood she could have been in...but it still wasn't enough.

Healing takes time and some deep wounds will keep surfacing in new ways over and over again for many, even if most of the damage has been successfully processed and dealt with. So be try to be patient with what is happening to yourself even if you see yourself being successful at doing the right stuff for the right reason and feeling that your work is effective, but you don't see the kind of success you've expected. I do believe the Atonement can work mighty miracles, but I also believe we are here to learn so while God will heal us when it is time, sometimes we still need to learn what needed to be healed or another lesson before moving to the next stage of our development.

Also, in observing my parents and others who are getting old, there seems to be for many a replay of issues of their youth that for some reason they are needing to relive....it is like God is preparing us for immediately going back to the vey beginnings of mortal life once we are again in the Spirit World so we can learn the deep spiritual lessons attached to mortality from the very beginning of life to the very end of it that the veil normally hides from us. I think repetition is a major tool of progressing, I see it as God having us run the same experiment over and over with just a little variation so we can learn everything that relates to a particular aspect of mortality and then in the Spirit World we will all share with each other our gained expertise so everyone benefits and everyone will understand to the fullest ability the implications of the choice we will make for our eternal destination. Granted, this belief of mine is probably from trying to give a purpose to what seems to be meaningless restrictions and limitations we have in this life and so it all may be wishful thinking, but it does help make the unbearable bearable for me so I am currently accepting it as my truth until God tells me something better.

I don't know if my ramblings help at all, perhaps all they are good for is showing it is possible to come to terms with the absurdity and frustration of life at least to a point that allows you to keep working towards a goal that seems unlikely to ever come, to hold onto hope in the face of no obvious reason to hope. You need to find what works for you, the Spirit will help you with that and then you can have peace and hope even when things aren't all that great.

Edited November 27, 2014 by calmoriah

[Calm]

"Yes, you are right, I may have to live with the consequences. Maybe I need to find a depression support forum or something. Because I'm all alone. No friends, no family, I guess that's why I posted here, just to reach out to someone. I wish I knew people, but I moved here to be with my wife. I would never hurt myself (because I don't want to suffer the consequences of that action), but sometimes I feel like it. A thousand pounds on top of me is what it feels like."

This would be a very good idea. There may also be support groups for divorce or having high stress in your life and needing coping ideas. You might want to check with your bishop and see if there is any referrals for LDS Family Services in the area that may be running or at least aware of such support groups.

[Garden Girl]

Thank you Garden Girl. Yes, she will meet with me. The weird thing is, she was meeting up with me regularly until last week. She would ask me to come over and watch movies, we went out to the movies, she had me over for conference, she called me up when she was getting gas at Sam's Club, so I could get the cheaper price, I would do nice things for her all the time, I gave her money a few weeks ago, because I know she's struggling financially (so am I, but I had a little), I wasn't expecting anything in return, it really was just kindness. I thought we were on track to 'eventually' get back together, but then it all stopped, when she met someone. I won't say how I know.

 

Yes, you are right, I may have to live with the consequences. Maybe I need to find a depression support forum or something. Because I'm all alone. No friends, no family, I guess that's why I posted here, just to reach out to someone. I wish I knew people, but I moved here to be with my wife. I would never hurt myself (because I don't want to suffer the consequences of that action), but sometimes I feel like it. A thousand pounds on top of me is what it feels like.

 

I'm so glad you did post here, and I hope we've been able to offer some help and support.  You are feeling this even more acutely because you are alone... without friends or family... If you live near a temple, please call and place your name on the prayer roll.  And maybe you do need to find a support group, particularly if things go no further.  I hope she will meet with you and you can discuss this and what you both see in your future... above all, please continue to go to Church...

 

GG

 

EDIT TO ADD:  Cal is right in her above message... if things do not work out, because that will be a major change, it does take a long time to get over it... and when I was widowed, I too was told not to make any major decisions or purchases for one year... to allow me to settle down emotionally... the grief of losing someone is not limited to death... but the feelings do lessen as we become stronger...

Edited November 27, 2014 by Garden Girl

[Calm]

Even if things do work out, it is a major change because of what he has gone through so far. Even good stuff happening to us can take a long time to adjust to and to feel we are off the stress roller coaster.

It can help to think of spiritual and emotional changes as moves just as changing residences are upheavals in our lives (speaking of, ldsconvert's move to where his wife is living is a huge complicating factor as familiarity is a big part of stability in one's life, add to that he has lost without replacing yet any social support he had).

Think of how long it can take to unpack to find a place to live and turn it into Home, to unpack boxes, to put things where you want them, to turn the place into your place. It has been ten years we've in our house and it still in many ways is alien to me because pink counters and pale blue rugs and dull white walls we haven't gotten rid of yet since we wait till we have the money before making the renovations...plus all the missteps with choices that were a mistake or no longer work where one they did. Life may end up never being really settled for some people unfortunately, whether physically or emotionally. This may be driven in part by a need to have variety in one's life, but it can also be something completely imposed upon one from the outside. One can learn to live with it or deal with a lot of unnecessary frustration and dissatisfaction overtime.

Edited November 27, 2014 by calmoriah

[lds-convert-sw]

..You might want to check with your bishop and see if there is any referrals for LDS Family Services in the area that may be running or at least aware of such support groups.

Yes, I'm going to talk to my bishop Sunday (Well, actually probably Tuesday, through the ward clerk/secretary?). I need to talk to someone. My mom says I am going through the stages of grief, but I'm in denial and I don't want to leave that stage. She is right. To have one major thing happen is tough, but to have your whole life come crashing down all at once, with multiple major life changes at the same time, seems like a burden I can't carry. But what choice do I have? What was the burden our savior carried? The weight of ALL our sins, and all our grief, and all our pain. All our tears. I can't fathom that. When I hear people here (won't mention names) say that the bible/BoM is mostly mythological and can't be taken literally, and isn't realistic scientifically, I feel bad for them, that they lack a relationship with our Lord, that they lack faith. But I was that person 6 months ago. I was saved in a horrific motorcycle crash (twice!), I survived by a mere 2" when my shotgun discharged while I was cleaning it (I could swear that it was empty), I survived multiple suicide attempts...

I don't understand why, but God doesn't want me dead just yet.

 

You mentioned learning the same lessons, and living things over and over. Yes, I can understand that. In my case, my life kept repeating, I kept making the same mistakes over and over, never learning the lesson I was supposed to learn. Finally, the consequences were so devastating, that I finally got it through my thick skull. "Oh yes! You can't treat people bad, you can't yell at people when you're angry, you do actually have to work hard, things won't just by given to you, you need to appreciate the ones who love you, the speed limits are there for a reason/the laws exist for a reason, and so on..."  I am grateful that God granted me the knowledge/chance to actually make significant changes before I put myself permanently where I don't want to be. I just don't know how I will survive, but I must. My daughter (12) is beautiful. When I first held her, I cried. She was an angel. She won't talk to me now, because I said something I shouldn't have about her mom. I hope someday I can correct the damage. She was always daddy's girl. I sound like a real wimp writing this, but I need to say these things. The gospel and whatever strength God grants me are almost all I have. I am probably going to lose my job as a result of everything that has happened, and if that happens, I'm homeless, because after I pay bills, I'll have $100. So please pray for me.

 

When I was at the temple, in the celestial room, I just started pouring tears, and this guy i don't even know came up to me and gave me a huge hug and said "Don't worry, you're not alone. We're here for you". He said some other things to me, as if he knew all about me, but I had never met him before. God works in miraculous ways.

 

Have a great Thanksgiving. I know the 'Thanksgiving story' isn't what really happened, but it's the meaning that counts. Family. Friends. Love. Faith. Charity. These are what matter.

 

 

 

 

[lds-convert-sw]

think of spiritual and emotional changes as moves just as changing residences are upheavals in our lives / Think of how long it can take to unpack to find a place to live and turn it into Home...

Yes, I understand what you are saying. I keep saying/thinking to myself. "I don't have a home anymore. I don't mean a house, a "home". What was "Our" home is now "Her Home", and may soon be hers and someone else's home. When I've been over, all I can think of is "I remember when I hung that picture frame" or "Remember when we got those old books at the book store" or I remember the first year we planted the flowers in the back".

 

I feel a loss. Again, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, but rather, just getting my thoughts out. I feel the loss of my wife, my family, the loss of our home, of my job, of my ward, of my friends, of all the memories we ever had, and all the things we did, and all the places we went. But I want to live again. Somehow I will. Thanks GG and Cal.

[rodheadlee]

So my story is really long, but the short story is... My wife and I were married for 6 years, together a total of 8. I really really messed up, and I was not the man I should have been. She has been through a lot. There was a day this summer, the 'last straw' when my wife decided "Enough, I can't take anymore". And so we aren't together anymore. Divorced. But, an amazing experience happened shortly after, as I hit rock bottom in my life. A true revelation from God, and my eyes were opened to all I did, and what I needed to do. I knew our Savior on a personal level, for the first time ever. I was reborn. I know this sounds completely crazy, even clichéd, but I am not the man I used to be. (Click HERE if you have 15 minutes, you can read about what happened in great detail)

 

My questions are:

1. Can a marriage be saved?, especially a temple marriage. I love my (ex) wife so much, and I hurt so deeply, knowing the pain I've caused. I understand my covenants I made, finally. I want to be the husband I should have been. But it may be too late.

 

2. Anyone who has gone through divorce as a Latter-Day Saint, how have you survived? How is it possible to live again? How can a heart heal? Most days, I feel like my heart is literally going to tear itself apart. I go to sacrament (a different ward) and while I love church, I feel alone. All the talk of marriage, and families are forever, and husbands and wives, and I don't belong anywhere anymore. I know we all have trials, but I can't find my way, I'm lost. I don't know who to talk to, I've talked to my bishop, and he's nice, but he has enough to deal with. Who do I turn to (Earthly), I have no family, my kids won't talk to me, I have no friends anymore. Every day I'm on my knees begging the Lord for forgiveness and asking for help.

Your link doesn't work.

[lds-convert-sw]

Your link doesn't work.

Yes, I know, thanks. I decided I didn't want to share all the details, it was too intrusive of my (ex)wife's life, if someone who knows her were to see it.

[Calm]

Wisdom...

[rodheadlee]

Ok, I understand. I had some advice to give but it requires more information. No problem.

[Traela]

Perhaps what you need to do right now is focus on your children. I know you said they don't want to talk to you; work with their mother to find a way to communicate them. Maybe they would be willing to Skype once a week, or maybe the most they would feel comfortable with is just accepting emails or letters without even the pressure to answer. You need to regain their trust, which means letting them set the terms.

[lds-convert-sw]

Perhaps what you need to do right now is focus on your children. I know you said they don't want to talk to you; work with their mother to find a way to communicate them. Maybe they would be willing to Skype once a week, or maybe the most they would feel comfortable with is just accepting emails or letters without even the pressure to answer. You need to regain their trust, which means letting them set the terms.

Today I texted my daughter. I've been trying for months with no response. But today I got a response back. It said "Daddy, I love you. I miss talking to you"... I cried so hard. Baby steps.

[Garden Girl]

Today I texted my daughter. I've been trying for months with no response. But today I got a response back. It said "Daddy, I love you. I miss talking to you"... I cried so hard. Baby steps.

 

I hope you texted her back and told her you loved and missed her also... suggesting that you two stay in touch through emails, and phone calls if she would like... keep your emails/texting chatty and positive, and do not... repeat... do not... say anything against their mother.  It will only turn them against you. 

 

GG

[lds-convert-sw]

...suggesting that you two stay in touch through emails, and phone calls if she would like

 

GG

She (my daughter) texted me again today and said "Daddy, I'm glad we can talk again. I'll call you tomorrow".   

And my ex called me today, and told me about her new relationship. I said, "yes, I know already." I was very sad, and had cried a lot these last few days, but I told her...

"Yes, I hurt, but more than anything, I want you to be happy. Go on with your life, find peace again, and in time I will do the same." Now I have to rebuild my life, and trust in Him.

No, I won't say anything negative about her mother. I realize now, it's not right to put the kids in the middle. 

[Guest]

Thank you. I've been saying to my ex (I can't get used to that word) "Please believe I'm telling the truth".  But as Strappingglad said, It will take a long long time for her to trust me again, if ever.

Trust takes time, it takes time. It is uphill both ways. But when time is all you have, see it as an friend and not as an enemy. Often when someone has been lied too or let down repeatedly a pattern develops where past behavior is a thing to be fear of the future.