To Wait A Year Or Have A Civil Wedding And Be Sealed? What Do I Do!?

[Maestrophil]

Most improtant thing IMO - do WHATEVER it takes to regain your worthiness.  If that means getting married, then get married.  If that means staying apart like Darren said, do it. If that means breaking up, break up.  And have real, honest and urgent regular visits with your bishop.  Don't think this is the kind of mess you can clean up between just you and your SO.

 

Your worthiness to enter the temple should be your highest priority - there are so many blessings predicated upon obedience to the covenants you will make there, that will assist you in building a true foundation for a succesful marriage. 

 

I send my prayers and support your way!

 

MP

Edited August 26, 2014 by Maestrophil

[boogles]

I think they might have listened to a boneheaded talk about a couple who pro longed a temple ceremony and were involved in a car accident and died, can't remember who gave it but no offense to them.

And Cal's right, how old are you and why not turn to one another rather than strangers who might give answers like mine.

 

I am 21, he is a few years older. We have been together since December, and have been talking about marriage and committed to that about three months ago. But since our transgressions happened... we started wondering about other options. Believe me, we turn to each other about this everyday. My reason for this is just so I can get a taste of other ideas that maybe I hadn't thought of. I don't have family to talk to, and my bishop wants me to make the decision on my own (with boyfriend, of course, but personally too). I know I want the temple, like I said... it's the "how" that gets me. 

 

I think I also wanted to hear experiences... If people have waited the year, if they were successful, how their marriage is now... If people didn't wait the year, got married civilly, then sealed a year later..blah blah blah. I just wanted to hear some personal connections... not some judgments. I know no one can make my decision for me. That is between me and God alone.Plus every couple is different, I get that. But I think it is wise to have an informed decision, and I'm just trying to use all the resources I can. That's just kind of how my brain works, and how I think I'll gain confidence in my decision. Knowing that there are people out there who exemplified success and options that maybe I can learn from. I'm not looking for judgment, criticism, or to be chastened by total strangers who don't know me, but the basic facts of my situation. I'm looking for people that can look through the computer screen and try to see a girl trying to figure things out. I'm looking for people who genuinely care... I'm looking for people to connect with me. 

 

Thank to those who have been honest in your comments, I'm just asking that you try and see beyond just the text on the screen and answer from your heart, from what you know, from your testimony... Not from judgments.

[Calm]

The only couples I know of who had sex before marriage (it is not something that comes up much in conversation. ) were not LDS at the time, except for one girl I grew up with who got pregnant in high school got married, etc. and then divorced. And age, the pregnancy and the fact she was brilliant and ambitious and he wasn't that smart (but he was hot!) may throw that out as a relevant experience.

The converts I know who got married when converted (a few families) are still married eons later.

When I get a chance I will ask my husband if he knows of any and let you know if he does.

Edited August 27, 2014 by calmoriah

[Tacenda]

The only experience I can draw from is my recent son's marriage. He married a beautiful girl all the way through. My son is a returned missionary, and she grew up active and from what I've seen, a believer. They married in a beautiful civil wedding which my bishop performed. With all our families together from young children to older adults. Some inactive with a lot of active LDS. No one seemed to be outwardly disappointed in them. My son told me the reason they didn't marry in the temple was because his wife wanted to make sure it was what she would be able to commit to the rest of her life, she doesn't do things half way. Perhaps she is struggling with her testimony or maybe she also worried some of her family wouldn't have been able to attend in the temple. All I know is they're good kids, love each other and made a decision that felt right to them despite what the rest of the world thought. I hope this will be your situation too. But it sounds like your bishop already gave you that advice.

[katherine the great]

Some friends of mine were excommunicated because they broke the Law of Chastity repeatedly.  Don't assume that you guys will automatically be able to be sealed in the temple if you go a year without having sex with each other. 

Was that recently?  I have not known one person in the past 20 years who has been excommunicated for premarital sex unless they were 1. a missionary or 2. an endowed member, and that is more rare than it used to be.  I've never known anyone ever who was excommunicated for premarital sex if they actually got married because that would be considered a true act of repentance and forsaking the sin.  Now adultery is a different matter.

[MorningStar]

Was that recently?  I have not known one person in the past 20 years who has been excommunicated for premarital sex unless they were 1. a missionary or 2. an endowed member, and that is more rare than it used to be.  I've never known anyone ever who was excommunicated for premarital sex if they actually got married because that would be considered a true act of repentance and forsaking the sin.  Now adultery is a different matter.

No, not very recently.  They were married probably 18 years ago and before that they kept repenting, screwing up, repenting, screwing up, repeat over and over again.  They were not endowed and the news of their excommunication actually came through after they were married.  She said she got her letter on Mother's Day.  They were rebaptized sometime later, but they left the church years after that.  According to her husband, they would alternate between repenting and "We don't care!  Let's just keep doing it!"  I don't think either one of them was endowed. 

[Traela]

My niece got married civilly, for chastity reasons. A year later, she and her husband and her new baby were sealed. Afterward, her dad looked at his sleeping grandson and said, "I've never seen him so at peace." They are still married over ten years later. Their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, due to both their personalities, but it's getting better. They are both in it for the long haul.

Actually, I can think of several people who married civilly first, for one reason or another, most of which I don't know. Most are still happily married.

[Rain]

It is good to study things out and then take it to the Lord. Just make sure when you have heard the opinions that you can hear the Lord clearly. That may mean staying away from your boyfriend for awhile so you can hear the Lord better. It is also good to pray separately on the matter because sometimes when praying together those hormones may overshadow the still small voice. You each need your own, separate answers - this is NOT to say couples should not pray together, but that in this instance your feelings for each other can be more powerful to your mind.

Having seen lds couples who married civilly first because of sin and some make it and some don't, please don't rush into marriage and please don't think it is always better to wait for a temple marriage.

If you think temptations are strong now they will be oh so much stronger once you make that commitment to wait. I know once DH and I were engaged the temptation flew off the charts. That is why many lds engagements are short. This would suggest you marry civilly first.

At the same time I know of at least one couple where marriage went horribly wrong because they rushed into it after having sex. Several kids later they had a nasty divorce and the family is a complete mess. The thing is, those that were around in their dating days were not surprised by the break up.

So honestly, I would spend a couple of weeks totally away from each other - no contact, before making a choice and do what you can to increase the Spirit in your lives. You will get yourself more spiritually in tune and by spending a couple of weeks away from each other you won't feel the initial dramatic emotional thing that draws you together and you will be better able to make the best choice.

That may seem a long time now, but when you look at eternity it is nothing and the choice you make will be huge no matter what you do.

Praying for you.

Edited August 27, 2014 by Rain

[Guest]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a long time. We wanted to get married, but because we are currently unable to hold temple recommends, we decided maybe the best thing was to get married civilly, and work hard together and be sealed in a year. Once we made that decision, temptations went crazy. We fornicated numerous times for about a week after that. After that period of time we decided maybe we should wait the year and have a temple wedding. It was hard, but we want the temple. After about a week and a half of being really good, I decided maybe it was best for us not to wait after all, but be married civilly and get sealed in a year like we discussed. That night we fornicated again. The next day we talked with my parents (who don't know about the events that have happened) and urged us to wait (not knowing we had had sex). We've been good and clean for what is now a little over a week. We want the temple so badly, but the temptations are extremely difficult. It would be different (maybe) if we had done it once, but it has happened many times... It just feels too difficult at this point, now that that part of our relationship has been established.

 

The tough thing is this. We know we will be getting sealed in the temple in a year, no matter how we get there (civil marriage and wait, or after waiting the year to be married in the temple). The issue is, we want to make it to the temple as clean and as worthy as possible. A part of me thinks we should just get married civilly so we can work on the repentance process together and work hard as a married couple to make it to the temple. A year is a long time, and I worry about making a mistake... I don't think anything is impossible, but I need some advice or opinions. 

 

I hear people telling me that if we get married civilly our marriage will most likely fall apart. Do you think that's true? Or do you think it's possible to have a happy, healthy, and spiritual marriage if we got married civilly and sealed a year later. 

 

The temple is important, but I just want to be honest. I will in no way enter into the temple unworthily. Which is why I'm confused as to what is the best way for me and my boyfriend to make it there.

You need to speak with your Bishop, this is a very private matter.

[The Nehor]

Was that recently?  I have not known one person in the past 20 years who has been excommunicated for premarital sex unless they were 1. a missionary or 2. an endowed member, and that is more rare than it used to be.  I've never known anyone ever who was excommunicated for premarital sex if they actually got married because that would be considered a true act of repentance and forsaking the sin.  Now adultery is a different matter.

 

I have but it was usually for repeated screwups. I had a friend who violated the Law of Chastity a few times as an Aaronic Priesthood holder and kept working through it. The Stake President knew about this and when he was interviewed to become an Elder was told the consequences would be more severe if he screwed up again. He screwed up again and was excommunicated while engaged to the girl. They got married a few weeks later.

 

Happy ending though. He is still happily married with 3 kids and is serving as an Elder's Quorum President.

[ERayR]

It feels like they are pushing it to the youth very young in the last 20 or so years.  I didn't get this when I was a youth.  But maybe ties into there being more temples now.  ETA:  Maybe more like 30....http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700035836/Construction-of-Mormon-temples-boomed-in-past-30-years.html?pg=all

 

I don't know where you come from that you did not get the message.  Like tss I was married a lot longer than 20 years ago (it was 55) and temple marriage was the in thing for active LDS, even then.  In 1935 my grandfather made the trip from southern Colorado, over those atrocious roads, to get sealed in the temple.  He even moved his family to southern Idaho so they would be closer to the temple.

 

The temples were built to fill the need not to generate it.

[Tacenda]

I don't know where you come from that you did not get the message. Like tss I was married a lot longer than 20 years ago (it was 55) and temple marriage was the in thing for active LDS, even then. In 1935 my grandfather made the trip from southern Colorado, over those atrocious roads, to get sealed in the temple. He even moved his family to southern Idaho so they would be closer to the temple.

The temples were built to fill the need not to generate it.

I said married, not sealings. But that was just my experience. My husband's parents and mine were both sealed later. Perhaps based off both our father's WoW issues. Pretty sure it was our mothers that got them both to the temple. I doubt very many today would wait for that. They more than likely would skip even trying but wait for the right one to marry in the temple not be sealed. So in that respect I guess.

In fact if back then was like today, I dare say my husband and I might not have been born into the families we did.

[Jeanne]

This is what matters.  Do you love him?  Do you know in your heart of hearts that he loves you?  That is all that is needed.  Get married and keep your promises to eachother..and to God.  You will have two joyous occassions to celebrate.  No one is hurt and everything to gain.  All family members and friends..important people who have been a part of both of your lives should share this union.  A year from now, should you both desire, that union can be made with a conscience that is clear and with a future ready for your family. 

 

Jeanne

[ERayR]

I said married, not sealings. But that was just my experience. My husband's parents and mine were both sealed later. Perhaps based off both our father's WoW issues. Pretty sure it was our mothers that got them both to the temple. I doubt very many today would wait for that. They more than likely would skip even trying but wait for the right one to marry in the temple not be sealed. So in that respect I guess.

In fact if back then was like today, I dare say my husband and I might not have been born into the families we did.

 

What I was trying to point out, in my inept way, is that temple marriage has been taught as the first choice where possible.

[Stargazer]

My niece got married civilly, for chastity reasons. A year later, she and her husband and her new baby were sealed. Afterward, her dad looked at his sleeping grandson and said, "I've never seen him so at peace." They are still married over ten years later. Their relationship is a bit dysfunctional, due to both their personalities, but it's getting better. They are both in it for the long haul.

Actually, I can think of several people who married civilly first, for one reason or another, most of which I don't know. Most are still happily married.

My wife and I were married civilly first, due to her sealing to her prior husband being still in effect, and I was about to be shipped out to Europe courtesy of the US Army. Interestingly, the letter from Pres. Kimball cancelling her sealing was signed the same day as we were married! The letter also gave us permission to be sealed in the temple without waiting for the year to pass.

And 34 years later, we are still hitched!

[Guest]

Was that recently? I have not known one person in the past 20 years who has been excommunicated for premarital sex unless they were 1. a missionary or 2. an endowed member, and that is more rare than it used to be. I've never known anyone ever who was excommunicated for premarital sex if they actually got married because that would be considered a true act of repentance and forsaking the sin. Now adultery is a different matter.

You are right, it is an action that is an action of last resort. The goal is to restore, always, when possible. When very public rebellion it is more difficult, especially if one of more parties is unrepentant, and by design. Now if it is murder, only one outcome will come to pass, and certainly if spousal abuse. Or any sex sin when young people is found. Edited August 31, 2014 by Pa Pa

[Jeanne]

What I was trying to point out, in my inept way, is that temple marriage has been taught as the first choice where possible.

But that doesn't seem right for everyone.  So many people can be hurt by not being a part of this union.  Sometimes those hurts affect the marriage itself which is a tough beginning all on its own.  IMO

[ERayR]

But that doesn't seem right for everyone.  So many people can be hurt by not being a part of this union.  Sometimes those hurts affect the marriage itself which is a tough beginning all on its own.  IMO

 

And many wedding days are spoiled by trying to please everybody.  Whose wedding is it?  answer: The bride and groom.  Everybody else should sit down, shut up and listen to what they want. 

[Jeanne]

And many wedding days are spoiled by trying to please everybody.  Whose wedding is it?  answer: The bride and groom.  Everybody else should sit down, shut up and listen to what they want.

Well that is great if you are an active member..but if you have been a loving parent who is not LDS with a large extended family, I think it is mean.

[Raingirl]

Well that is great if you are an active member..but if you have been a loving parent who is not LDS with a large extended family, I think it is mean.

Do you really think that the reason people choose to be married in the temple is to be "mean"?

Why are the wants of everyone else supposed to take precedence over the bride and groom? This truly puzzles me.

A loving parent can and should take the focus off the self and support their child in their choice. And make a true effort to understand why a temple marriage is important to their child.