To Wait A Year Or Have A Civil Wedding And Be Sealed? What Do I Do!?

[boogles]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a long time. We wanted to get married, but because we are currently unable to hold temple recommends, we decided maybe the best thing was to get married civilly, and work hard together and be sealed in a year. Once we made that decision, temptations went crazy. We fornicated numerous times for about a week after that. After that period of time we decided maybe we should wait the year and have a temple wedding. It was hard, but we want the temple. After about a week and a half of being really good, I decided maybe it was best for us not to wait after all, but be married civilly and get sealed in a year like we discussed. That night we fornicated again. The next day we talked with my parents (who don't know about the events that have happened) and urged us to wait (not knowing we had had sex). We've been good and clean for what is now a little over a week. We want the temple so badly, but the temptations are extremely difficult. It would be different (maybe) if we had done it once, but it has happened many times... It just feels too difficult at this point, now that that part of our relationship has been established.

 

The tough thing is this. We know we will be getting sealed in the temple in a year, no matter how we get there (civil marriage and wait, or after waiting the year to be married in the temple). The issue is, we want to make it to the temple as clean and as worthy as possible. A part of me thinks we should just get married civilly so we can work on the repentance process together and work hard as a married couple to make it to the temple. A year is a long time, and I worry about making a mistake... I don't think anything is impossible, but I need some advice or opinions. 

 

I hear people telling me that if we get married civilly our marriage will most likely fall apart. Do you think that's true? Or do you think it's possible to have a happy, healthy, and spiritual marriage if we got married civilly and sealed a year later. 

 

The temple is important, but I just want to be honest. I will in no way enter into the temple unworthily. Which is why I'm confused as to what is the best way for me and my boyfriend to make it there.

[ksfisher]

It sounds like the best place to begin is by discussing the matter with your bishop. If you're looking to go to the temple getting him involved in the process as soon as possible sounds like a good idea.

[boogles]

We have, and the struggle is is he is telling me it's up to me...

[Calm]

If the point is not to enter the temple unworthily (and I agree that should be a very high priority) I agree with ksfisher, you need to talk to your bishop now as part of the repentance problem. I assume you weren't planning not to mention this when you went for your temple recommends...perhaps you don't know what to expect, if not you should ask the bishop about the temple recommend interview and what to expect.

Add-on: what did your bishop tell you to find out the answers? Probably not to talk to total strangers about it on the Internet.

You need to be honest with yourself about your ability to restrain yourselves, figure out the triggers and avoid them completely for the next year..,which may mean some extreme limitations on your dating and being with each other. If that approach feels wrong to you, then perhaps the civil marriage is the right thing.

You need to make the decision based on your own relationship, communicating with each other and learning if both you and your boyfriend are willing to limit your relationship to perhaps never even being alone together at night or other times you've had sex, never go into a bedroom or a room with a lock on the door or other measure for a year, pray about it alone and together and maybe even stay completely apart for a week while both of you pray, ponder and maybe even fast about your decision.

Don't worry about other people's statistics, the only ones that matter are your own.

Edited August 26, 2014 by calmoriah

[Garden Girl]

Hello boogles...

Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here... against my better judgment... and say I think you should go ahead and get married and really work on becoming worthy to go to the temple.

Let's face it... you say you both want a temple marriage so badly, yet you have gone back on your decision to remain worthy twice now for varying lengths of time... You say you have been "good and clean" for a little over a week.  What are your chances of going back on your decision yet again? 

And, what if you do manage to go several months without a slip up... and then something happens and you give in... does the "year" timeclock start all over again?  So now instead of the original 'year," the time actually becomes a year and a half, etc. 

There's nothing to say that a civil marriage needs to fall apart... if you have the right attitude, you can turn your desire for a temple marriage into a strengthening factor in a civil marriage... a shared goal that you work on together.

My preference of course is that you would work with your bishop and wait and go to the temple when you have repented and feel worthy... but looking at your history, is that reality?  I don't think you can make a commitment without the help of your bishop.

 

Good luck...

 

GG

 

[Traela]

At the rate you're going, you're going to end up with a pregnancy. Get married now.

[Tacenda]

I second Traela and GG. It's only been in the last 20 or so years (?) that it's been such a big push for temple weddings. I'm sure many of our parents and grand parents were civilly married and then sealed later. And for the reason you didn't get married in the temple, you could give a myriad of answers from...you wanted to include all family members or you wanted to make sure you were all in and thoroughly committed to living the laws and ordinances. Not that anyone even needs to know why.

Edited August 26, 2014 by Tacenda

[Raingirl]

I think you already got really excellent advice on another forum where you are also a brand-new poster. But it probably wasn't the easy answer you are looking for.

Looking to strangers on the internet for advice about this kind of situation isn't the right approach. Unless, of course, you are just going to keep joining forums and starting the same thread everywhere unti someone tells you what you want to hear.

Sincere prayer, fasting, and counseling with your bishop is the way to go.

[Calm]

"only been in the last 20 or so years (?) that it's been such a big push for temple weddings."

At least forty, at least where I was growing up in California. We never talked about anything hut temple marriage at church or with my friends who were active.

I don't think what others do is important though. It is what God wants them to do and only they can find that out for themselves, not even their parents or bishop are better for finding the answer.

Btw, you didn't say how old you are. Being a married couple means relying on each other for answers and decisions much more than going to others, even parents and bishops. You should consider that if the two of you can't make the decision how to be married on your own, perhaps you should consider you aren't ready for marriage at all. It can be very destructive on a relationship to keep turning to others for advice rather than working it out together....and if you do go to others for advice, go with each other.

[katherine the great]

Who's the bonehead that told you that your marriage will most likely fall apart if you have a civil marriage first?  I would ask them to produce some statistics that temple marriages a year after a civil marriage are more likely to fail than those who were married in the temple at the start.

[Tacenda]

Who's the bonehead that told you that your marriage will most likely fall apart if you have a civil marriage first? I would ask them to produce some statistics that temple marriages a year after a civil marriage are more likely to fail than those who were married in the temple at the start.

I think they might have listened to a boneheaded talk about a couple who pro longed a temple ceremony and were involved in a car accident and died, can't remember who gave it but no offense to them.

And Cal's right, how old are you and why not turn to one another rather than strangers who might give answers like mine.

[katherine the great]

I think they might have listened to a boneheaded talk about a couple who pro longed a temple ceremony and were involved in a car accident and died, can't remember who gave it but no offense to them.

And Cal's right, how old are you and why not turn to one another rather than strangers who might give answers like mine.

Probably.  I know that urban legend goes at least back to the late 70's when my Stake YM/YW program made a (very corny) movie about it then showed it at a regional fireside, followed by a full blown wedding reception.  Good times!  (Haha!)

[rpn]

Frankly, you don't sound at all ready to make the covenants you will make in the temple.  People tend to think of this just about sex, but it is really far more than that.   See  http://salifeline.org/files/holland-souls-symb-sac.pdf  

It is true that your marriage may fall apart, but it will not be because you didn't get married in the temple.   It is far more likely to be because of the same thing that makes you currently unworthy --- you have not both learned to discipline yourselves consistent with His will.   That lack of self-discipline and putting God first (I'm not unsympathetic to the temptation) probably laps over into other selfish behaviors.   It is selfishness and lack of self-discipline that torpedos most marriages that fail.    Plenty of non-temple marriages work just fine.  

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd first be honest with myself and my fiance about my own and his real commitment to God, and what I was going to do to have a happy life filled with joyous stuff that was consistent with His will.    I'd talk about what that righteous life looked like and what I and he were and weren't willing to change to get there.    Assuming I still believed that our couplehood and eternal life was something that could grow into  what we both equally wanted it to be --- an eternal family, I'd quit kidding myself and get married civilly.   I would not make it a fancy wedding, because I would want to save the big celebration for after I got sealed.  

 

And then I'd work with dh to become a couple who was really intent on living fully the covenants I would make in the temple and able to successfully do so.   (You don't have to be perfect to worship in the temple.   But you do need to be trying to live in harmony with His will, and quickly repenting.)   When I was at that point where I could freely answer the questions with joy, when I longed for that connection to Heavenly Father and the eternities, THEN I would go to the temple and make those covenants.  

Edited August 26, 2014 by rpn

[Mystery Meat]

As a fellow single member of the Church who has faced the temptations associated with dating and courting in the 21st Century (not sure how different it is from any other time period), I think you have a tough situation on your hands. Part of me says, to just get married. Don't set yourself up for failure and just get married.

 

On the other hand, we live in an oversexualized society. And I have learned through my dating experiences that when I have a hard time controlling myself, it is usually because I have put an unhealthy emphasis on sexual component of a relationship (this may not apply to you). That is not to say that sex is bad or that wanting to have sex is bad. Quite the opposite. But my best relationships were in control, and were about more than just satisfying carnal wants. So I guess my lousy advice to you is this: If you want the temple, wait for the temple. Date this young man for a year. Make sure that your relationship is about more than just physical pleasure. Don't put yourself in situations where you can even have sex (don't go into his bedroom, don't be home alone with him, and follow the guidance in the For Strength of Youth booklet). I know, easier said than done. But I think you will both learn a lot about yourselves, each other, and your relationship.

 

If after a month of doing good, he or you start pressuring for sex...I think that should tell the other a lot. I don't think getting married civilly is going to doom your marriage or make it more likely for divorce. But if your relationship is not based on more than sex OR there is an unhealthy emphasis placed on that facet of your relationship, I think divorce becomes more likely as the excitement of intimacy wanes and you wonder how much you really like the person you married.

 

My worthless two cents.

[Buckeye]

I think they might have listened to a boneheaded talk about a couple who pro longed a temple ceremony and were involved in a car accident and died, can't remember who gave it but no offense to them.

And Cal's right, how old are you and why not turn to one another rather than strangers who might give answers like mine.

 

I'm pretty sure the boneheaded talk was given my a member of the first presidency.  Check the ensigns in the early 1970s.  The FP may not have originated the idea, but they certainly perpetuated it. 

 

FWIW, I also don't see the logic of the car accident story.  Agency does not end at death.  A couple killed before they are allowed to be sealed will have every opportunity to accept a sealing in the next life.

 

Also worth pointing out, there have been rumors in the last year that the church may be changing the 1-year waiting requirement.  The requirement only exists in the states (and maybe canada?)  In mexico, europe, and other countries that do not grant the church civil marriage authority, members are married civily and then sealed a day or two later.

[Duncan]

My own advice is, get married civilly first, that way you are married and can experience the benefits therefrom without guilt and then work towards the Temple. My parents got married civilly in 1967 and then 11 years later got sealed in the Temple. They had no money to travel to the Temple and so they waited and got it done when they did have the dosh. I am by no means cheapening the Temple experience or encouraging you to go there unworthily but if sex is already on the table the I'd suggest getting married civilly first. Marriages can unravel regardless of where you get married

[Calm]

I'm pretty sure the boneheaded talk was given my a member of the first presidency. Check the ensigns in the early 1970s. The FP may not have originated the idea, but they certainly perpetuated it.

FWIW, I also don't see the logic of the car accident story. Agency does not end at death. A couple killed before they are allowed to be sealed will have every opportunity to accept a sealing in the next life.

Also worth pointing out, there have been rumors in the last year that the church may be changing the 1-year waiting requirement. The requirement only exists in the states (and maybe canada?) In mexico, europe, and other countries that do not grant the church civil marriage authority, members are married civily and then sealed a day or two later.

But the one year waiting period might be applied by a bishop from the time they last had sex when they weren't married as part of the repentance process.

And my understanding is that if they don't get married in the temple within a number of days the one year wait kicks in except in cases where they are newly baptized and waiting a year from that date.

Edited August 26, 2014 by calmoriah

[MorningStar]

Some friends of mine were excommunicated because they broke the Law of Chastity repeatedly.  Don't assume that you guys will automatically be able to be sealed in the temple if you go a year without having sex with each other. 

[jana at jade house]

 

 

I hear people telling me that if we get married civilly our marriage will most likely fall apart. Do you think that's true? 

I think that is baloney.  People get married civilly all the time and remain married for life.  Even part member marriages are true and faithful ( tomorrow is 22 years for us)  It isn't the temple sealing that glues the partners together, it is the friendship, respect, caring, consideration and loyalty (at the very least.)  Sealing binds forever. 

 

 

 

Or do you think it's possible to have a happy, healthy, and spiritual marriage if we got married civilly and sealed a year later. 

You do realize that outside of the United States few places are marriages performed in temples?  Only sealings are done in the Netherlands temple.  I don't know the rules around it for how long it is between marriage and sealing or you wait a year.

 

I am more concerned that you are so caught up in the passion that your friendship and abiding love will suffer.  Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons.  

 

  Right now you are not in an eternal partnership or even an eternal mindset if you can't control yourselves. 

 

talk to your Bishop. 

[thesometimesaint]

I second Traela and GG. It's only been in the last 20 or so years (?) that it's been such a big push for temple weddings. I'm sure many of our parents and grand parents were civilly married and then sealed later. And for the reason you didn't get married in the temple, you could give a myriad of answers from...you wanted to include all family members or you wanted to make sure you were all in and thoroughly committed to living the laws and ordinances. Not that anyone even needs to know why.

 

I was married 42 years ago in the Oakland Temple, and there was a big push even back then.

[Tacenda]

I was married 42 years ago in the Oakland Temple, and there was a big push even back then.

It feels like they are pushing it to the youth very young in the last 20 or so years.  I didn't get this when I was a youth.  But maybe ties into there being more temples now.  ETA:  Maybe more like 30....http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700035836/Construction-of-Mormon-temples-boomed-in-past-30-years.html?pg=all

Edited August 26, 2014 by Tacenda

[Mola Ram Suda Ram]

Go get married, then you are not living in sin for the time. Then go get sealed. Baby steps and stuff. That is the much easier route. There is no way, if I were in your shoes, that I would be able to abstain for 6 months?? to be worthy to go through the temple, had I been having sex with my girl friend prior to marriage. The good news is that you can become worthy and receive the blessing you desire.

 

In the end you should do what you feel like you should do. Go with your gut on this one.

[thesometimesaint]

It feels like they are pushing it to the youth very young in the last 20 or so years.  I didn't get this when I was a youth.  But maybe ties into there being more temples now.  ETA:  Maybe more like 30....http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700035836/Construction-of-Mormon-temples-boomed-in-past-30-years.html?pg=all

 

Correlation is not causation. There were about a dozen active Temples among some 3 million members when I was married in 1972. We've come a long way since then.

[Darren10]

Boogles;

You and your boyfriend sure do know how to party.

Seriously though, your situation is no different in principle than anyone else's here. Getting to the temple is of utmost importance. Sexual worthiness is of great worth and directly connected to worthily worshipping in the temple. The best scenario has been posted in reply to you: stay away from each other until after you get sealed in the temple. Obviously this does not apply to seeing each other for going to the temple and taking out your endowments. Before that, call each other on the phone, write each other, etc. but STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!

That said, are you and your boyfriend going tondo thus for a year or so (I don't know why it should take that long based on what you've posted here)? I'd say probably not. In fact, I'd say there's a 99% probability you and your boyfriend won't so, in case, let me agree with tour bishop and say the choice is yours but I'll take that further: get married! Get married, get married, GET MARRIED! Don't wait neither, get married. Give your parents and his parents notice that you and your boyfriend will be going to the courthouse in the next four to five days and you two will be married there. Tell both sets of parents they are more than wanted to attend but that you and your boyfriend will be married on said date (no more than a week from NOW). Work on your temple readiness from there. If your shortcomings are fornication alone, that should be easy. Your marriage will not be in more jeopardy just because you two got married civilly first. In fact, I think everyone sealed in the United States are married civilly first. Or at least obtain a civil marriage license first. What will be in jeopardy is getting to the temple. Once married it'll be quite easy to place getting to the temple a top priority. That would be a sad end if things turn out that way but for your situation I can think of no other way that's best for you and tour boyfriend. Stay away from each other or get married NOW.

(SIDE NOTE: I originally left off the "c" in courthouse and when I selected that word my iPad suggested "outhouse" as the correct spelling. Contextually, I thought that would have made a funny read ).

[Buckeye]

But the one year waiting period might be applied by a bishop from the time they last had sex when they weren't married as part of the repentance process.

And my understanding is that if they don't get married in the temple within a number of days the one year wait kicks in except in cases where they are newly baptized and waiting a year from that date.

 

Correct on both points.