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The "ask Nehor" Column


The Nehor

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Welp, the demand has been high and I have resisted long enough. Many have asked for my help solving all sorts of problems, asking doctrinal questions, and seeking personal advice. I have finally realized that a thread is needed to deal with these problems.

I promise my advice will be concise but thorough, poignant and trite, and will under almost no circumstances simply be the first thing that pops into my head. I will start first with an email I got today.

Dear Nehor,

If you do not stop wasting your time at work on stupid internet garbage I am going to fire you.

Name withheld by request

Dear Mr. Withheld,

If you paid me more and were a better manager I would be more motivated now wouldn't I? Why are you blaming me for your management failures? Shame on you.

NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!

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Hah...I think I am going to enjoy this thread.

Dear Mr Boulder,

Despite your parents bad choice in presumably naming you after where you were conceived on their geology study honeymoon you appear to be a person of wit and candor, overflowing with social virtue and a keen sense of appreciation for all that is good in life. You are doubtlessly sexually irresistable to your chosen gender preference and do not frighten children when walking down the street even when not covering your head in a paper bag.

Thank you for your letter.

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

 

What's the first thing you're going to do after you get your own planet?  I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

 

Sarah Bellum

Dear Mrs. Bellum,

Undoubtedly the first thing I will have to do is wipe out everything on it and start over. My first act will be to get myself a pet T-Rex named Spikey and ride him over the misty moors.

There are several key things a planet needs before I can put my children on it. First it needs food. I am a big fan of meat but believe killing animals is a bad habit to get into. Killing plants on the other hand always brings a smile to my face. So step one is creating a tree that grows ribeye steaks. With T-Rexes and meat trees I think you have it covered but (you point out) your children will be eaten by the dinosaurs. Simple solution. Give them liberal amounts of weaponry. Tanks, howitzers, mortars, strategic bombers, nerve gas, and tactical nukes. Then you throw two of your children in a meat tree garden and you are good to go. For added fun/targets for your children add Care Bears.

Hope this helps.

NEXT!!!!!!!!!

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Welp, the demand has been high and I have resisted long enough. Many have asked for my help solving all sorts of problems, asking doctrinal questions, and seeking personal advice. I have finally realized that a thread is needed to deal with these problems.

I promise my advice will be concise but thorough, poignant and trite, and will under almost no circumstances simply be the first thing that pops into my head. I will start first with an email I got today.

Dear Nehor,

If you do not stop wasting your time at work on stupid internet garbage I am going to fire you.

Name withheld by request

Dear Mr. Withheld,

If you paid me more and were a better manager I would be more motivated now wouldn't I? Why are you blaming me for your management failures? Shame on you.

NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!

 

Dear Nehor,

   You come across as a hybrid of Dilbert and Wally. Do you have a pointy haired boss???

 

Glenn

Edited by Glenn101
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Dear Nehor,

   You come across as a hybrid of Dilbert and Wally. Do you have a pointy haired boss???

 

Glenn

 

Dear Glenn,

 

No, I am self-employed. I both wrote and received that e-mail. When you run your own business it is important to inspire the troops.

 

Thanks for writing.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Mr. Nehor,

 

   I can not decide what to purchase next the always desirable fur-lined sink or the electric dog polisher. Please help.

 

 

 

Apologies to Steve Martin

 

Dear Anijen,

 

Are you some kind of medication? Never mind. This is a tough call. The fur-lined sink will quickly give you that sweet mildew smell if you use the sink but there are few things more impressive then a well-polished dog. Of course some polishing jobs end badly but then you just make it into a taxidermied dog and you can polish it without it running away or yelping repeatedly. I would buy both and then attach the dog polisher to the sink. Upsides include the dog's shedding not being visible in the midst of the fur and you can bathe the dog while you polish.

 

I would personally give up on hygiene and pets altogether and invest the money in an emu farm.

 

Thanks for your question.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

 

What side dish should I make for our ward picnic tomorrow? Don't say potato salad. Or deviled eggs.  Or anything else with mayonnaise in it.

 

Sincerely,

 

MorningStar

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Dear The Nehor

 

If honey suckle scented Tiger Fish were captured by the elite paramilitary unit of lavender colored chipmunks would that warrant retaliation from the Lethbridge Embroidery Society Alumni, friendly to the cause of the beloved Chipmunks?

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Dear Nehor,

 

I am thinking of becoming an advice columnist, yet fear that I will soon run out of trite, unhelpful advice. So, my question to you, is evening attire appropriate for an Auto da Fe if it is your neighbour's, or should one stick to red robes of wrath ensemble for gloating.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Slightly deranged.

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Dear Nehor,

 

What side dish should I make for our ward picnic tomorrow? Don't say potato salad. Or deviled eggs.  Or anything else with mayonnaise in it.

 

Sincerely,

 

MorningStar

 

Dear Morningstar,

 

Are you named after the blunt instrument for crushing skulls or is that an allusion to Lucifer being the Son of the Morning? I commend you for avoiding mayo. Pretty sure that stuff will kill you. This question mostly hinges on how much you like the people in your ward. If you want to impress I would go with a recipe I saw on TV once: 

 

Use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleanse them in the finest quality spring water, lightly kill them, and then seal them in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frost with glucose.

 

If you don't like them stay home and watch TV. Life is too short for that sort of thing.

 

Hope this helps.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

Is it too costly to pay for a continuing education class at the U of U for $375.00 by the great David Bokovoy called The Book of Mormon as Literature? I only work part time but I do have a savings account to sustain a livelyhood for a few months. My van is paid off. No credit card debt. Thanks for your help Suzy, I mean Nehor.

Edited by Tacenda
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Dear The Nehor,

 

Who would win out of an epic battle between Star Trek's Enterprise, Dr. Who's TARDIS, and the Care Bears? 

 

Would it matter who was piloting the Enterprise and TARDIS?

 

Inquisitively,

JDave

 

JDave,

 

An interesting conundrum. The first problem is defining which Enterprise. Currently the shows and movies have shown the oldest starship Enterprise used in the Enterprise series and then the 1701 series starting with the original and including its sequels the A, B, C, D, and E versions. I think you will agree that there is a vast difference in combat capability between a Constitution Class Cruiser and a Sovereign Class Battleship. However these differences become almost moot when you compare it to the TARDIS.

 

The TARDIS would be hard pressed to destroy the Enterprise or the Care Bears for that matter. While the TARDIS possesses powerful defenses and can teleport away or travel through time it is not an offensive vehicle. While it could not win a fight it would be difficult to defeat as it can teleport away. For all its vaunted defenses Daleks could attack and destroy it. 

 

Daleks_Master_Plan.jpg

 

Let's face it. If bad 60s robots that can barely move and can only adjust their arms slowly can design weapons capable of breaking through your defenses I am guessing Scotty or Data could come up with a way of breaking through too.

 

The Care Bears are something of an enigma. There is little information available on the power of the Care Bear stare.

 

43380_franchise_icon0012.jpg

 

It seems to have the power to make people cheerful and happy. If it is capable of breaking through the defenses of the Enterprise and the TARDIS their loving-kindness might be able to force a draw. They are unlikely to have the will or the stomach (pun intended) to push through to final victory once they disarm their opponents so at best they can force a draw. More realistically the Enterprise crew would spend a full hour discussing whether incinerating the bears would violate the Prime Directive and the Bears would spend the same hour teaching lessons about sharing while ostracizing sociopaths like myself who are beyond such things.

 

Right now smart money is on the Enterprise but the TARDIS does have one advantage. The TARDIS could go back in time and manipulate events to prevent the Enterprise from being built. On the opposite side the Federation of the future has a time travel squad that attempts to maintain and repair the timeline as needed (they are annoyed with Kirk who is the worst violater on record). So it would come down to whether the doctor or the time-travelling Federation people would win. I would bet differently depending on which doctor was in charge. Most of the original series doctors would probably be pasted but a few of them could hold their own.

 

If I was a betting man I would go with the Enterprise 65% chance of victory, 25% chance for the TARDIS, and 10% chance the Care Bears would force a draw.

 

Thank you for bringing this important conundrum to my attention.

 

NEXT!!!!!!

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Dear The Nehor

 

If honey suckle scented Tiger Fish were captured by the elite paramilitary unit of lavender colored chipmunks would that warrant retaliation from the Lethbridge Embroidery Society Alumni, friendly to the cause of the beloved Chipmunks?

 

Dear King Duncan,

 

I am a bit confused. It looks like the HSSTF were caught by the EPULCC and the EPULCC, as any idiot knows, are allied with the LESA. So why would the LESA respond? More likely they would look for weakness in their other enemies. I would expect a drop in embroidery production for at least three months as the LESA awaits developments. If you are looking for military advice good king, I would ambush the EPULCC and rescue (or save for delicious eating) the HSSTF. I would suggest using nuts as a distraction when you attack.

 

On a sidenote good king I have noticed that your trusted military captain Macbeth has been consulting with women dabbling in witchcraft who seem to be enflaming his ambition. Watch yourself. Scotland needs you.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

 

I am thinking of becoming an advice columnist, yet fear that I will soon run out of trite, unhelpful advice. So, my question to you, is evening attire appropriate for an Auto da Fe if it is your neighbour's, or should one stick to red robes of wrath ensemble for gloating.

 

Yours sincerely

 

Slightly deranged.

 

Hi Slightly,

 

So where does the family name come from? Was your grandfather a village idiot?

 

Do not be fooled by the plight of your neighbor. I highly advise against a gloating outfit. An auto da fe is only performed once a sufficient number of heretics have been tried in a region and the trials are held. It is considered a faux paus to tell the accused whether they have been acquitted or convicted until just before the burning so if you show up to gloat and then he is found innocent he will just smile at you smugly and you will feel a right prat over the whole thing.

 

I advise skipping it. The thing includes an all-night vigil the night before and then everyone shows public penitence as you march the prisoners to the place of burning. You are supposed to repent the whole time yourself. It is basically a guilt trip so only go if you like those.

 

In any event I would recommend sackcloth and ashes if you do go just to get in the spirit of the thing. It's easy to pick up girls when wearing that from what I hear. Whatever you do avoid highly flammable materials.

 

Then again all advice about the Inquisition is dangerous because we all know that no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

Is it too costly to pay for a continuing education class at the U of U for $375.00 by the great David Bukovoy called The Book of Mormon as Literature? I only work part time but I do have a savings account to sustain a livelyhood for a few months. My van is paid off. No credit card debt. Thanks for your help Suzy, I mean Nehor.

 

Hi Tacenda,

 

I personally would pass. The Book of Mormon has some merit as a spiritual guide but as literature it has some serious defects. In the first couple of chapters Nephi spoils the whole story by telling you how it ends. Too many characters have the same name and make the story confusing. The book is very preachy and you will often find the characters breaking the fourth wall and addressing the reader directly. All very distracting.

 

If you are set on attending I recommend taking up an extra job on the side to make some cash. Panhandling is safe but not very lucrative. I hear mugging people is more lucrative. If you have a van kidnapping for ransom is always a good option.

 

Good luck.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Dear Nehor,

How DO you find the time to write this column , what with your penchant for conquering and destroying worlds and frightening babies and trying to maintain friendly relations with the BORG ? Are you just now getting in touch with your feminine side so as to multitask better?

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Dear Morningstar,

 

Are you named after the blunt instrument for crushing skulls or is that an allusion to Lucifer being the Son of the Morning? I commend you for avoiding mayo. Pretty sure that stuff will kill you. This question mostly hinges on how much you like the people in your ward. If you want to impress I would go with a recipe I saw on TV once: 

 

Use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleanse them in the finest quality spring water, lightly kill them, and then seal them in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frost with glucose.

 

If you don't like them stay home and watch TV. Life is too short for that sort of thing.

 

Hope this helps.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, mayo will kill you.  That's why I decided to make candybar salad instead with lots of Cool Whip.  And I was going to add some frogs, but was fresh out.  Sometimes you have to improvise. Thank you for your expertise.

 

My name kind of means both.  You take the skull crusher thingie and whack Lucifer with it repeatedly.

 

Off to kill my ward with my salad,

MorningStar

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Welp, the demand has been high and I have resisted long enough. Many have asked for my help solving all sorts of problems, asking doctrinal questions, and seeking personal advice. I have finally realized that a thread is needed to deal with these problems.

I promise my advice will be concise but thorough, poignant and trite, and will under almost no circumstances simply be the first thing that pops into my head. I will start first with an email I got today.

Dear Nehor,

If you do not stop wasting your time at work on stupid internet garbage I am going to fire you.

Name withheld by request

Dear Mr. Withheld,

If you paid me more and were a better manager I would be more motivated now wouldn't I? Why are you blaming me for your management failures? Shame on you.

NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!

The meaning of life?
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Dear Nehor,

How DO you find the time to write this column , what with your penchant for conquering and destroying worlds and frightening babies and trying to maintain friendly relations with the BORG ? Are you just now getting in touch with your feminine side so as to multitask better?

 

Dear Mr. Lad,

 

While galactic conquest, making faces at babies, and dealing with cyborgs does take time a bit of time management ensures I have enough time to also enjoy running a friendly advice column. The rumors about me getting in touch with my feminine side via extensive wearing of lingerie are false and by false I mean exaggerrated. Need to nip that one in the bud.

 

Thanks for your question.

 

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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