Is Your Ward Your Family?

[Scott Lloyd]

The catch phrase "ward family" seems to have caught on among members of the Church in recent years.

I don't think this is an official designation from Church headquarters; rather, it seems to be a cultural thing that has sprung up.

I can certainly understand its appeal. It evokes warm feelings of compassionate service and fellowship freely given to other Latter-day Saints.

But I also think it is problematic in terms of its application.

For one thing, we teach one another that families are supposed to be eternal. There is nothing "forever" about a ward structure and organization, as anyone who has been involved in a ward realignment or division should well understand. The "ward family" to which you pay homage in testimony meeting may well be dissolved soon after the calling of the next stake presidency.

Families, as I understand the concept, are not that transitory.

Nobody ever speaks of a stake family. Why not? Are not the members who live elsewhere in the stake just as entitled to our affection and service? What about those who live across town or across the continent or on the other side of the world?

True, we are most apt to love and serve those within a close physical proximity. But in our mobile society, that set could change fairly quickly.

Aren't we, after all, fellow citizens in one global household of faith? Why impose boundaries within that household by the constant reference to the "ward family"?

Is it possible this "ward family" notion may come to displace or supplant the role of the real family in importance? For example, sound Church welfare principles hold that those who are in need should draw first upon the assistance of immediate and extended family members before turning to the Church or to neighbors living in the ward. This constant reference to the ward being a "family" might blur that role in one's expectations.

These are some thoughts that have caused me to become somewhat annoyed at the constant repetition of what I view as an extra-doctrinal, extra-official concept that has crept into the culture of the Church membership.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Scott Lloyd

[DH]

I think the phrase "ward family" is an expression of an ideal in which we would treat everybody else as though they truly were our brothers and sisters. It's a nice idea, but it seems to me that we are pretty far from achieving it. Still, I do love the people in my ward.

As for the stake, while I do know some people in my stake who are not in my ward, the vast majority of them I don't know at all, and it's kind of hard to treat people I don't recognize as though they were family.

After my wife died, a couple of people said things like "At least you still have your ward family." Frankly, that ticked me off, because I don't have a relationship with anybody in my ward anywhere near as close as I was with my wife. It sounded trite, and was a really stupid thing to say to a grieving widower. A simple "We love you and are here for you" would have been much better than pretending to be family.

[Scott Lloyd]

I think the phrase "ward family" is an expression of an ideal in which we would treat everybody else as though they truly were our brothers and sisters. It's a nice idea, but it seems to me that we are pretty far from achieving it. Still, I do love the people in my ward.

As for the stake, while I do know some people in my stake who are not in my ward, the vast majority of them I don't know at all, and it's kind of hard to treat people I don't recognize as though they were family.

After my wife died, a couple of people said things like "At least you still have your ward family." Frankly, that ticked me off, because I don't have a relationship with anybody in my ward anywhere near as close as I was with my wife. It sounded trite, and was a really stupid thing to say to a grieving widower. A simple "We love you and are here for you" would have been much better than pretending to be family.

Yeah, the triteness is another thing that annoys me about it.

[Hamba Tuhan]

The catch phrase "ward family" seems to have caught on among members of the Church in recent years.

I don't think this is an official designation from Church headquarters; rather, it seems to be a cultural thing that has sprung up.

You may wish to try searching the term on the lds.org website. It looks like one gets about 200 returns, including, for example, the following:

Pres Uchtdorf: 'All of these buildings had one important factor in common: the Spirit of God was present—the love of the Savior could be felt as we assembled as a branch or ward family'.

Elder Hales: 'Wouldn’t it be better if we all viewed ourselves as belonging to a “traditional ward family,” a ward family made up of adults, youth, and children—individual brothers and sisters—caring for and strengthening one another? ... We are all members of a ward family in the community of Saints, where we may all contribute with our individual gifts and talents'. (By the way, the title of this article is 'Belonging to a Ward Family'.)

Various articles from the Ensign, Liahona, and New Era:

• 'Is it possible to be an only child and still have brothers and sisters? The answer is a definite yes—when you belong to a ward family'. (article title: 'Becoming a Ward Family')
  
• 'Singles in the Ward Family'
  
• 'Safe in My Ward Family'
  
• 'Emily S., 17, in Germany, explains that in a military ward people often move in and out, but they become close as a ward family. “We know we can count on the ward family for help,” she says'.
  
• 'Whilst their goal was achieved to walk to Zion symbolically, the ultimate goal is to all hold firm to the gospel standards and obtain exaltation, not alone, but together as a ward family'.
  
• 'Bishop Randy Wright of the West Jordan River 6th Ward issued a challenge to his ward family and in particular to the youth'.
  

And from the Mormon Channel: 'Kaw River Ward - Bilingual Ward Family'.

There is nothing "forever" about a ward structure and organization ...

Perhaps not, but the relationships I have with the members of my ward are absolutely forever: D&C 130:2.

Is it possible this "ward family" notion may come to displace or supplant the role of the real family in importance?

Not sure, but, as an unmarried orphan living far away from my nearest living biological kin, I'm beyond grateful that I have a ward family, complete with brothers and sisters to whom I am bound eternally by love and even a ward father -- you may wish to search under 'father of the ward' on lds.org or take a look at song 209 in the Children's Songbook -- in the form of my bishop, who will have my love and loyalty and gratitude worlds without end.

[Hamba Tuhan]

Yeah, the triteness is another thing that annoys me about it.

In light of passages such as Mosiah 18:21 and D&C 38:27, I'd feel likewise concerned if ward-as-family was mere triteness ... but perhaps for a much different reason.

Pres Eyring: 'He cannot grant it to us as individuals. The joy of unity He wants so much to give us is not solitary. We must seek it and qualify for it with others. It is not surprising then that God urges us to gather so that He can bless us. He wants us to gather into families. He has established classes, wards, and branches and commanded us to meet together often. In those gatherings, which God has designed for us, lies our great opportunity. We can pray and work for the unity that will bring us joy and multiply our power to serve'.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Hamba Tuhan

[urroner]

Blood makes one related, loyalty makes one family.

[Nathair/|\]

I can't find the essay now, but Orson Scott Card made the observation that the active membership in the typical ward is about the same size as the average person's monkeysphere. (Strong language alert.) He suggested that wards are the size they are for an important reason. I don't recall him using the term "family," but he did emphasize the term "village."

(Personally, I tend to avoid socializing with members offline so I don't cause offense and drive them from the church.)

[mfbukowski]

The catch phrase "ward family" seems to have caught on among members of the Church in recent years.

I don't think this is an official designation from Church headquarters; rather, it seems to be a cultural thing that has sprung up.

I can certainly understand its appeal. It evokes warm feelings of compassionate service and fellowship freely given to other Latter-day Saints.

But I also think it is problematic in terms of its application.

For one thing, we teach one another that families are supposed to be eternal. There is nothing "forever" about a ward structure and organization, as anyone who has been involved in a ward realignment or division should well understand. The "ward family" to which you pay homage in testimony meeting may well be dissolved soon after the calling of the next stake presidency.

Families, as I understand the concept, are not that transitory.

Nobody ever speaks of a stake family. Why not? Are not the members who live elsewhere in the stake just as entitled to our affection and service? What about those who live across town or across the continent or on the other side of the world?

True, we are most apt to love and serve those within a close physical proximity. But in our mobile society, that set could change fairly quickly.

Aren't we, after all, fellow citizens in one global household of faith? Why impose boundaries within that household by the constant reference to the "ward family"?

Is it possible this "ward family" notion may come to displace or supplant the role of the real family in importance? For example, sound Church welfare principles hold that those who are in need should draw first upon the assistance of immediate and extended family members before turning to the Church or to neighbors living in the ward. This constant reference to the ward being a "family" might blur that role in one's expectations.

These are some thoughts that have caused me to become somewhat annoyed at the constant repetition of what I view as an extra-doctrinal, extra-official concept that has crept into the culture of the Church membership.

As a former bishop, it is an amazing feeling to look around at my congregation and know the circumstances of every single person in the chapel- men women and children, and to know that I have had at least some effect in their lives, in most cases for the better.

If they aren't "family" then I don't know what is.

[Kenngo1969]

No, I don't have the same depth of relationships with my ward family as I do with my blood family. No, no one can replace my blood family. Still, the Doctrine and Covenants tells us, "I say unto you, Be One, and if ye are not one, ye are not Mine" (Doctrine & Covenants 38:27). A truly united ward, or quorum, bishopric, or work group can do things that such a group which is not united cannot. Not for nothing do we call one another "Brother" and "Sister." I'm reminded of the exchange between Elders Dalton and Allen in the movie God's Army. After hearing Elder Allen describe the difficulties of his home life, Elder Dalton tells him, "At least your real Father is there for you." Confused, Elder Allen says, "I haven't seen him in thirteen years," to which Elder Dalton responds, "I was talking about your real Father."

Notwithstanding that they cannot replace my blood family, I cherish the relationships I have with the members of my ward family. At some point, my ward family may have to act as an [admittedly poor] surrogate for my blood family, as I am not married, have no children, and most of the members of my blood family may predecease me. I cherish the brotherhood, sisterhood, fellowship and love I have with the members of my ward, and I hope they can say the same of their relationships with me. (And although, to the best of my knowledge, I've never met any of those who frequent this Board in the flesh, I feel the same way about you.) I cherish the notion expressed in Doctrine and Covenants 130:2 - “And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy.”

Just my 1.9375185 cents.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Kenngo1969

[Tacenda]

Sometimes I feel like it's a family and sometimes it's an assigned family. Being assigned callings or callings as HT's/VT's assigned to us helps us get to know one another. The hard part is when we are no longer in the same callings or no longer together as VT/HT either as visiting or getting visited. It seems they can be shallow relationships. Because as LDS we are so busy in our callings and in our visiting and taking care of one another that it's difficult to hold onto the previous relationship. Sometimes they become platonic because in our hearts and minds, speaking for myself here, we know that a change will come and we'll move on. I'm not a social person so I'm thankful for opportunities, even having been assigned, of meeting new friends. The hurtful part though can be when once we are no longer in the calling together or no longer have that VT/HT connection, sometimes those relationships waned over time and disappeared and that can be hurtful.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Tacenda

[Buckeye]

As a former bishop, it is an amazing feeling to look around at my congregation and know the circumstances of every single person in the chapel- men women and children, and to know that I have had at least some effect in their lives, in most cases for the better.

If they aren't "family" then I don't know what is.

Ditto (except the part about being a former bishop). I would also add a reference to Children's Hymn 209, which refers to the bishop as "the father of the ward", and which is quickly become just as much a staple hymn on Father's Day as O My Father is a staple on Mother's Day. I'm not sure how many bishops are really comfortable with this notion, but its is very common. My guess for the recent emphasis is a realization that, for very many members, the ward is the closest thing they have to a family.

Lovingly (#209)

1. The father of our home leads our family

With wisdom’s light in all that’s right;

My father’s good to me.

Fathers are so special with a very special love.

They watch us and protect us.

They guide us and direct us

Back to our home above.

2. The father of our ward tends with loving care

Each member’s needs with kindly deeds;

Our bishop’s always there.

3. And now we’ll sing great praise and rev’rently recall

The Holy One who gave his Son,

The Father of us all.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Buckeye

[MorningStar]

Yes, it's my family. Complete with dysfunctional members. This summer I was stressed out because our van broke down right before we were supposed to go on vacation with my family and we had to take my husband's truck that had just broken down the week before and has terrible gas mileage. I was pretty much freaking out. We had been planning it for a year and it was going to be our last time together with my brother before he was deployed and we were having family pictures done. I didn't want to ruin that and renting a van was out of the question. A friend in my ward said, "You know one of us would come out to get you if you broke down, right?" It was 3 hours away and that really touched me, plus gave me the peace I needed to go.

[Tacenda]

Funny story, kind of. My next door neighbor overhead my son and the newly put in bishop's son talking one day. And the new bishop's son, who btw, wasn't allowed to play Call of Duty, like my son has been allowed (I wish he didn't but what do you do, he's 15 and I'm just trying to deal with the biggest issues). Anyway, the bishop's son told my son that now that his dad is bishop that he'll probably speak about not playing the XBox live game Call of Duty, and that my son should stop playing it now since his dad was like the father of the ward. Buckeye's post made me think of this.

[cinepro]

Funny story, kind of. My next door neighbor overhead my son and the newly put in bishop's son talking one day. And the new bishop's son, who btw, wasn't allowed to play Call of Duty, like my son has been allowed (I wish he didn't but what do you do, he's 15 and I'm just trying to deal with the biggest issues). Anyway, the bishop's son told my son that now that his dad is bishop that he'll probably speak about not playing the XBox live game Call of Duty, and that my son should stop playing it now since his dad was like the father of the ward. Buckeye's post made me think of this.

We had a high council speaker last week who told a story about how when he was younger, their Stake President asked the stake to avoid watching a particular TV show: The Love Boat.

Your story just reminded me of that.

If I were trying to get the young men to avoid playing a particluar game, I wouldn't just come out and say it. I would try to teach them about proper time management, and being aware of the influence certain kinds of entertainment can have on us. If it's "wrong" for them to play Call of Duty, they've got to come that conclusion on their own (with help).

But I guess it just depends on who your leaders are. When I moved into my last ward, I became good friends with my Elder's Quorum President, and I was impressed by his DVD collection which coincidentally contained many rated R movies. Then he became Bishop, and his collection continued to grow, still with more rated R movies. And then he became Stake President, and the collection continued to grow, still with more rated R movies. He was a great leader and spiritual example to the ward and stake, but he obviously saw the counsel on R-rated movies differently than many other LDS.

He was also very athletic, and his competitive drive would get the best of him on the basketball court, so his wife made him stop playing EQ B-ball because it just wasn't appropriate to have the SP throwing tantrums against other Elders Quorums in the stake.

As for the idea of a "ward family", I think it's possible to read too much into the term. I think it's meant to convey the idea that our ward members are more than just casual acquaintances or associates that we see for a few hours a week. They're people we should care about and be patient with.

Edited October 1, 2012 by cinepro

[emeliza]

We had a high council speaker last week who told a story about how when he was younger, their Stake President asked the stake to avoid watching a particular TV show: The Love Boat.

Funny enough, one of our high council speakers told us that about the same show a year ago or so. Maybe they grew up in the same Stake.

[mfbukowski]

Funny enough, one of our high council speakers told us that about the same show a year ago or so. Maybe they grew up in the same Stake.

A year or so ago? Maybe he just stepped out of a time machine before giving the talk?

[Garden Girl]

Obviously Scott Lloyd is not a widower... does not live alone... and probably does not lack any "real" family nearby.

I for one am thankful for my "Ward Family"... I've been widowed for 14 years, live alone, have no children, and my only sister lives 2500 miles away.

When I reactivated into my ward, they took me under their wing... I am a strong, resilient, self-sufficient woman, but have been thankful for the ward brothers/sisters on more than one occasion when I have needed help and had to turn to my HT or VT. What a wonderful feeling to know that I have people who care about me, about my welfare, and all I have to do if things become more than I can handle on my own is pick up the phone and make a call. I love my ward and the people in it... it really is like "family" and I for one am grateful.

My sister and I talk on the phone every day... it does not seem like she is so far away. We love each other greatly. It has been nine years since we've seen each other and we have agreed that we probably will never see each other again since she won't fly, and I'm almost as bad for a variety of reasons.

I find comfort in knowing that I'm not really "alone" and because of this am quite happy and cherish each day of my life.

from the beach on a beautiful Fall afternoon...

GG

[Scott Lloyd]

My thanks to all who have shared their perspectives on this thread.

They have brought about a moderation in my attitude. While I am unlikely to use the expression "ward family" in the future, I have ceased to be annoyed when others do. Perhaps cinepro is correct that I am reading too much into it.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Scott Lloyd

[hearserve]

Rather than family, I have long thought of the ward as a wagon train, with each of us on our own journey, but with a common goal. As individuals (or individual families) we each have different abilities that can be used to the benefit of the group along the way. I see the bishop (a calling I now find myself in) as the wagon master. For those of you old enough to remember the TV show "Wagon Train," you might remember that the actor who portrayed the wagon master was named "Ward Bond" - rather appropriate for my little analogy.

[rodheadlee]

We're transients. Some wards treat us likle family and some don't. Some I wish I could just go live there because I love the ward. Some it just takes more time than we have and we just start making friends when we have to leave.

[Duncan]

In my ward some members don't take a liking to me because I dance better then them so in return I identify with some more then others. Some people I like moved away!!! but it is what it is and here we are

[changed]

We call one another "brother and sister" because we are all children of the same Heavenly Father - that is an eternal family relationship, isn't it? I think some of the same associations we have now will also exist in heaven. I don't think it is by accident that we find ourselves surrounded by the people we come to know.

[Hamba Tuhan]

At some point, my ward family may have to act as an [admittedly poor] surrogate for my blood family.

I suppose it depends on the ward, but mine has acted beautifully as a surrogate for my 'blood family'. They are as close to me as family can be. We've laughed together, cried together, served in the trenches together, and celebrated together. I spend sometimes dozens of hours in their homes each week. I pray for them morning and night and fast for them each weekend. I know they pray for me. We've welcomed new babies and farewelled old friends together. A certain couple in the ward named their youngest son after me. When I walk into the chapel on Sunday, I'm home. I'm with the people I love and worry over and seek to serve.

We had our ward conference a few months ago, and the night before we had a ward social to which our stake president came. In our special PEC meeting the next morning with him and his counsellors, the first thing he said was that walking into the hall had felt like walking into a family reunion. 'That', he said, 'is how every ward needs to be'.

I hope yours will be that way for you!

Edited October 2, 2012 by Hamba Tuhan

[Tacenda]

I suppose it depends on the ward, but mine has acted beautifully as a surrogate for my 'blood family'. They are as close to me as family can be. We've laughed together, cried together, served in the trenches together, and celebrated together. I spend sometimes dozens of hours in their homes each week. I pray for them morning and night and fast for them each weekend. I know they pray for me. We've welcomed new babies and farewelled old friends together. A certain couple in the ward named their youngest son after me. When I walk into the chapel on Sunday, I'm home. I'm with the people I love and worry over and seek to serve.

We had our ward conference a few months ago, and the night before we had a ward social to which our stake president came. In our special PEC meeting the next morning with him and his counsellors, the first thing he said was that walking into the hall had felt like walking into a family reunion. 'That', he said, 'is how every ward needs to be'.

I hope yours will be that way for you!

Oh my, jealous again!

[rongo]

As a former bishop, it is an amazing feeling to look around at my congregation and know the circumstances of every single person in the chapel- men women and children, and to know that I have had at least some effect in their lives, in most cases for the better.

If they aren't "family" then I don't know what is.

I have to admit, I was kind of taken back by Scott's unloading in this thread. I have never felt that references to a ward family, or to the bishop being the "father of the ward" (which was, interestingly, in the CHI prior to 2010) were "trite" or extra-doctrinal, or that they are part of a trendy "creep" into LDS parlance.

The "father of the ward" meme is repeated many times in Journal of Discourses. Here are just a couple of examples of many that could be quoted, from a chapter on priesthood in a book series I'm working on (a topical commentary on Journal of Discourses):

Joseph F. Smith, July 18, 1884. Journal of Discourses 25:250 And when you come to separate the spiritual from the temporal, see that you do not make a mistake. Some are inclined to say, "the Lord has a right to manage my spiritual affairs, but I will not allow Him to interfere with my temporal affairs." Why, bless your soul, temporal things pertain to spiritual things . . . The Bishop has as good a right to counsel the members of his Ward in relation to the purchase of merchandize or machinery, where and when he can do so wisely, as he has to counsel them in regard to spiritual matters . . . He is a father to the people of the Ward.

John Taylor, John Taylor, August 6th, 1882. Journal of Discourse 23:219 [bishops and stake presidents] watch over, not only themselves, but their families and friends, associations and neighborhoods, and act as fathers in Israel, looking after the welfare of the people and exerting a salutary influence over the Saints of the Most High God.

As I look back over the last 5+ years as bishop of my ward (I haven't been released yet, and it appears that no release is in sight), I echo some of the sentiments that have been expressed here. It seems that some wards are not very close, and in those wards, "family" or "father" might seem trite. Our ward has been blessed with numerous catastrophes and severe health problems where people have drawn very closely together, in a family relationship. In many cases, people have learned humility in accepting help and fellowship from ward members "in the manner of" what some might term "real" families, and this can be very hard for some people to accept in their pride. It was hard for my family ----- a few months after I was called, my wife nearly died and was hospitalized for a long period of time, losing parts of her large and small intestines (rare clotting disorder that led to necrosis, and her body keeps trying to clot in her major organs). She was also hospitalized for a long time this February, as her blood had become toxically thin (INR of 7) from the Coumadin. The first time, our kids were 8, 6, 4, and 2. After using up my vacation and going to FMLA time, the ward's response was overwhelming, and embarassing in my pride. But, we have had wave after wave of devastating health issues wrack may families, and we have all been there for each other.

I remember a family who moved from out of state, and the mother was pregnant with twins (and had three other small children). I met them on Sunday, and received a frantic late night call a few days later ---- she was being rushed to the hospital for an emergency delivery. I told the father that my wife would be there in 20 minutes to spend the night with the kids, and we would arrange the next few days with the sisters in the morning. I wondered what non-Mormons who are brand new in a neighborhood in a different state with no relatives would do in a situation like that? And yet, this family had an instant, built-in "family" they could confidently trust their kids to (total strangers) in an emergency.

I think the designation of wards as families and priesthood leaders as fathers is right on, and where it isn't, it should be.

Edited October 2, 2012 by rongo