Religious Codependence

[nuclearfuels]

I think I'm waking up to my own religious codependence (feeling of validation/inadequacy/jealousy when some callings come and others callings go to others).

Would appreciate pointers from any of you who have ben down this path already.

Part of this is the resentment that seems palpable yet under the surface:

1. Like magnets, people who are of similar poles (not just from Poland) repel each other. What is there to discuss other than all the sacrifices and trials we've overcome, whihc usually leads to one adult privately, under the surface, thinking their trials nad sacrifices were in fact harder than the other similalry poled family

2. Resentment of others for callings they received thgat you wanted

3. Resentment of you by others since you got the calling they wanted

4. the praise we give those who engage in giving themselves a martyr complex (this doesn't have any resentment I notice, just seems pathological to me)

5. the deeply unhealthy mental gymnastics we go through to justify to ourselves things we know aren't right or dont fit (callings mostly with a few other items)

 

Thanks

https://www.spiritualabuse.com/?page_id=50

Edited December 18, 2019 by nuclearfuels
had to add details

[smac97]

Consider these wise remarks from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (source: http://tinyurl.com/h9jtlkx):

Quote

{I}f it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, go on out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures; sweep streets like Handel and Beethoven composed music; sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry; sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well.’ ... And when you do this, when you do this, you’ve mastered the length of life. 

Here’s another anecdote: In June of 1965, a group of brethren in the Physical Facilities Department of the Church was doing some work outside the Hotel Utah apartment of President David O. McKay. As President McKay stopped to explain to them the importance of the work in which they were engaged, he paused and gave them some advice about their responsibilities as priesthood holders:

Quote

Let me assure you, Brethren, that someday you will have a personal priesthood interview with the Savior, Himself. If you are interested, I will tell you the order in which He will ask you to account for your earthly responsibilities.

First, He will request an accountability report about your relationship with your wife. Have you actively been engaged in making her happy and ensuring that her needs have been met as an individual?

Second, He will want an accountability report about each of your children individually. He will not attempt to have this for simply a family stewardship but will request information about your relationship to each and every child.

Third, He will want to know what you personally have done with the talents you were given in the pre-existence.

Fourth, He will want a summary of your activity in your Church assignments. He will not be necessarily interested in what assignments you have had, for in his eyes the home teacher and a mission president are probably equals, but He will request a summary of how you have been of service to your fellowmen in your Church assignments.

Fifth, He will have no interest in how you earned your living, but if you were honest in all your dealings.

Sixth, He will ask for an accountability on what you have done to contribute in a positive manner to your community, state, country and the world.

From Notes of Fred A. Baker, Managing Director, Department of Physical Facilities  Source: http://tinyurl.com/jnzv9no

Thanks,

-Smac

Edited January 6, 2020 by smac97

[Duncan]

This is funny. We have a guy in our ward who whined and complained like a child that he was "put out to pasture". He sent me this big email, saying he has a "rock solid testimony" wanted a calling. He has been in bishoprics and high councils, never been the bishop though-not to judge he would be a disaster as a Bishop. Anyways, he seemed to have forgotten he had 2 callings at the time, one was teaching EQ once a month, the other was to basically oversee a very small congregation an hour outside the city-never went, never did anything with it. He got someone to complain to the Stake President who sent an email to the Bishop, who told him all this. So, we, as the EQ, had THREE lessons on callings, aspiring and you don't need a calling to serve someone. He wasn't there for any of it. He hardly comes to Church and when he does he acts like he runs the place. Now, he got Sunday School President and hasn't attended ward council once, and has so far done nothing with the calling. What he really wants is a calling that would have him sit on the stand and be seen by everyone-but you gotta come to church and stop being a bumbum about it. 

[strappinglad]

12 minutes ago, Duncan said:

bumbum

I checked Webster's and wiki but no luck. I assume it's a Winnipeg euphemism .😯 

[Bernard Gui]

7 hours ago, nuclearfuels said:

I think I'm waking up to my own religious codependence (feeling of validation/inadequacy/jealousy when some callings come and others callings go to others).

Would appreciate pointers from any of you who have ben down this path already.

Thanks

https://www.spiritualabuse.com/?page_id=50

When I was at BYU, my best friend was called to be our student branch EQP. I was jealous and had some feelings that I should have been called. Subsequent events revealed to me the selfish arrogance of those thoughts. Deep repentance followed. He was the one the Lord called, not me, and it was for good reason.That was the first and the last time I had those feelings about a calling. 
 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Bernard Gui

[Duncan]

Sometimes people need to learn lessons that you already learned

[nuclearfuels]

19 hours ago, smac97 said:

Thanks,

-Smac

Thanks SMAC.

I think your post earlier this week about those struggling with thier faith might be more on point.

At the PPI w/ the Savior, I might have a few questions for Him in addition to answering His inquiries.

[nuclearfuels]

17 hours ago, Attalus said:

I consider it to be some kind of test when I am called to any position.  Sometimes it may be a test of my humility.  Sometimes it may be a test of my endurance.  Sometimes it may be a test of how well I can support and sustain someone else in their calling.  Sometimes it may be an opportunity to do something that I neve have done before and learn from the experiences I will receive when doing that duty, whatever it involves and whatever may be required from me.

I've noticed that people are often given callings that are similar to other callings they have had before. Counselors to Elder's quorum presidents often called later as an Elder's quorum president or a counselor in the bishopric, or a Young Women's advisor later called as a counselor to the Relief Society, or a Sunday School teacher later called to be a teacher in either the Elder's quorum or Relief Society.  Sometimes someone will be called to a position unlike any position they have had before but often it seems like there is some sort of type casting, similar to how actors are often cast in similar roles.  Maybe only because they seem to be good in those types of roles.

Talking with your bishop about this can sometimes help to make a difference.  Bishops can help to put the word out to people in other positions to let them know they think you would be a good choice for a calling even if you have never done anything like that before.

Thanks Attalus. 

Think I need to go on walkabout for a bit

[nuclearfuels]

17 hours ago, Duncan said:

you don't need a calling to serve someone

Well said, Duncan.

Seems like it time for me to serve sans calling perhaps on walkabout.

[nuclearfuels]

19 hours ago, nuclearfuels said:

I think I'm waking up to my own religious codependence (feeling of validation/inadequacy/jealousy when some callings come and others callings go to others).

Would appreciate pointers from any of you who have ben down this path already.

Part of this is the resentment that seems palpable yet under the surface:

1. Like magnets, people who are of similar poles (not just from Poland) repel each other. What is there to discuss other than all the sacrifices and trials we've overcome, whihc usually leads to one adult privately, under the surface, thinking their trials nad sacrifices were in fact harder than the other similalry poled family

2. Resentment of others for callings they received thgat you wanted

3. Resentment of you by others since you got the calling they wanted

4. the praise we give those who engage in giving themselves a martyr complex (this doesn't have any resentment I notice, just seems pathological to me)

5. the deeply unhealthy mental gymnastics we go through to justify to ourselves things we know aren't right or dont fit (callings mostly with a few other items)

6. the idea that our intense premortal lessons, preparing to come to earth, prepared us to serve in similar callings, year after year after year, seems to suggest some of us are foreordained to mediocrity. Seems counter to being children of God

Thanks

https://www.spiritualabuse.com/?page_id=50

 

[Bob Crockett]

I'm active in my ward.  I have not had a calling for many many months. I'm super super glad.  Except, I am a ministering agent for one family.  I'll do that.  In the past I might have been resentful; now I am just pleasantly happy to be out of the spotlight.  

The last thing I want to do is be one of those two guys in the balcony on Sesame Street. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Bob Crockett

[MustardSeed]

I havent ever heard that def of codependent before .

 

[Maidservant]

On 12/17/2019 at 3:46 PM, strappinglad said:

I checked Webster's and wiki but no luck. I assume it's a Winnipeg euphemism .😯 

We say it in Idaho, too.

[Meadowchik]

It's something my parents talk about having gone through when all of us kiddos were still at home. They worked on themselves, and focused mostly on the core identity provided by the love of God. This, I think, helped them dismiss the importance of callings as being a marker of worth or worthiness. I'm very grateful for that.

[Daniel2]

On 12/17/2019 at 1:30 PM, smac97 said:

Consider these wise remarks from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (source: http://tinyurl.com/h9jtlkx):

Thanks,

-Smac

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing that MLK quote, Smac. I hadn’t heard it before, and I loved it so much I printed it out and placed it on my desk at work. Beautiful. Thanks again.

Daniel2

[The Nehor]

On 12/18/2019 at 4:16 PM, Bob Crockett said:

I'm active in my ward.  I have not had a calling for many many months. I'm super super glad.  Except, I am a ministering agent for one family.  I'll do that.  In the past I might have been resentful; now I am just pleasantly happy to be out of the spotlight.  

The last thing I want to do is be one of those two guys in the balcony on Sesame Street. 

If you do not want to be Statler or Waldorf I think something went wrong for you somewhere along the way.  

[Bob Crockett]

Is that really their names?  I guess I am a little like them. 

[PacMan]

In my mind, we analyze these sorts of things too much. The only thing any of us deserve is condemnation. That we don’t is a matter of shear grace and mercy. 

Whether someone is called because they have a lesson to learn or we have something to learn before we are called is really irrelevant. The only thing that truly matters, is whether we have consecrated our lives to God.  When we are jealous or feel envy for callings, we are violating our temple covenants (consecration), are unrighteousness, and lack a full measure of priesthood power needed for the calling.  That goes for both brothers and sisters.   

Practically speaking, I heard a wise man once say, “Anyone that wants to be a general authority deserves it.”

I think the same goes for Bishop. Funerals, disciplinary councils, and the heavy administrative burdens that require significant time does not balance the “benefit” of sitting on the stand. Or so I hear. 

Edited January 7, 2020 by PacMan

[The Nehor]

On 1/1/2020 at 5:59 PM, Bob Crockett said:

Is that really their names?  I guess I am a little like them. 

Yes, I have known them since I was young. Saw it once as a million dollar question on a game show. Wanted to scream at the person to let them know the answer. I used to have this shirt, given to me by a family member.

 

[mfbukowski]

On 12/18/2019 at 7:49 AM, nuclearfuels said:

Thanks SMAC.

I think your post earlier this week about those struggling with thier faith might be more on point.

At the PPI w/ the Savior, I might have a few questions for Him in addition to answering His inquiries.

He had better know the answers to those supposed questions before he asks or there is no point in praying.

"The Savior Knows My Name."

He better know a heck of a lot more than that after all the time I spent on my knees.

[nuclearfuels]

On 1/6/2020 at 8:55 AM, PacMan said:

In my mind, we analyze these sorts of things too much. The only thing any of us deserve is condemnation. That we don’t is a matter of shear grace and mercy. 

Whether someone is called because they have a lesson to learn or we have something to learn before we are called is really irrelevant. The only thing that truly matters, is whether we have consecrated our lives to God.  When we are jealous or feel envy for callings, we are violating our temple covenants (consecration), are unrighteousness, and lack a full measure of priesthood power needed for the calling.  That goes for both brothers and sisters.   

Practically speaking, I heard a wise man once say, “Anyone that wants to be a general authority deserves it.”

I think the same goes for Bishop. Funerals, disciplinary councils, and the heavy administrative burdens that require significant time does not balance the “benefit” of sitting on the stand. Or so I hear. 

My bro in law is a bishop. His wife, my sister, said pretty much the same thing. Bishops are yelled at, in addition to all the stuff you mentioned.

Perhaps the punishment fits my crime.

[nuclearfuels]

On 1/6/2020 at 12:24 PM, mfbukowski said:

He had better know the answers to those supposed questions before he asks or there is no point in praying.

"The Savior Knows My Name."

He better know a heck of a lot more than that after all the time I spent on my knees.

Thanks MFB.

I'm thinking His PPI with me will be pretty simple:

Why didn't you take Rx?

Are you ready, like for real, to know the answer to those questions you asked me 1,000 times?

[mfbukowski]

3 hours ago, nuclearfuels said:

Thanks MFB.

I'm thinking His PPI with me will be pretty simple:

Why didn't you take Rx?

Are you ready, like for real, to know the answer to those questions you asked me 1,000 times?

Yes I agree completely 

Sometimes my nightly prayer is simply "tuning in" to make sure my connection is good, then when I am sure of that, a few words.  

[mfbukowski]

4 hours ago, nuclearfuels said:

My bro in law is a bishop. His wife, my sister, said pretty much the same thing. Bishops are yelled at, in addition to all the stuff you mentioned.

Perhaps the punishment fits my crime.

One former bishop to another:

"Hey, you know why they usually only leave us in for 5 years, doncha?"

"No."

Well every year you alienate about 20% of the ward, then after that, you've got no one left".

Deep guffaws....