Am I doing something wrong?

[mbh26]

On 4/9/2026 at 1:52 AM, Maestrophil said:

My brother collects ‘sipping’ liquors and likes to identify ‘notes’ etc.  he isn’t a fan of getting drunk.  When he was a kid maybe but now he is far from an alcoholic. 
 

I suppose my wife might be angry because I didn’t consult her - but she never mentioned it while chastising me and bowing out of the goodbye dinner with my family.  She just kept asking me how I could do such a thing, saying she questions who I am, asks what if someone saw me? Etc.  maybe be she just hasn’t claimed down enough to realize the unilateral choice is what upset her most - but boy did she let me have it 

so what do you and others here think of members buying alcohol for someone at dinner or as a gift?  And even if it is a gray area, is it severe enough in your minds to constitute a moral failure?  

I don't think this is a moral failure on your part.  If your wife thinks that she's being Christlike by responding this way, then she's wrong.  But obviously telling her that (communicating) isn't going to help.  Instead of trying to calm my wife down and never go to bed angry as I was taught.  I've learned that just walking away is the best I can do, especially when my wife is angry, unreasonable, or perhaps depressed and just taking it out on whoever she is around.  The only person I accept chastisement from is God.  As long as my relationship with Him is ok, than whatever physical/emotional pain mortal men or women think they're justified in inflicting upon me doesn't bother me anymore.  It used make me go into a rage and punch through walls because it was just so frustrating to have someone try to control and manipulate me in that way.  Oh she's mad again.  Oh she's leaving.  Eventually I stopped trying to stop her.  If you want to leave, then leave.  But she never has.  She calms down and starts acting right again for reasons I can't understand.  Now she's never apologized for getting angry and giving the silent treatment so I have no reason to think that she has recognized that she has done anything wrong, but for right now that doesn't matter.  Ultimately my covenant is with God and not with her.  I've taken a lot of emotional abuse in my 22 years of marriage, but if men didn't none of us would be married for very long in this world.  All children would either grow up in single mother homes or never get to be born at all.  Those things will be worked out in the next life.  For right now this is how I've found peace in relying on the Lord in this way.  I believe in the power of prayer.  My prayers that my wife not get angry have never been granted.  But God has answered my prayers that he knows the situation, knows what happened, and that He only He can heal all wounds.  I honestly have no desire for vengeance because I've chosen to believe that if I do my part, the Lord will make things right, and when she's being unreasonable the only thing you can do is just walk away. 

A lot of times when a woman won't tell you why she's angry or has put you in the doghouse for a seemingly trivial reason, it's because she's tired of a situation/affliction which she knows she has no right to blame you for.  And often times women will find some thing where she feels like she's more justified in her anger/resentment to call out and punish you.  Perhaps she knows that why she wants to divorce you isn't an acceptable reason to lds culture, in the eyes of her parents or other people whose opinions she respects.  So her solution is to find something else to accuse you of that might be more acceptable.  Not that any of that matters, In the end the solution is still the same, just walk away put it God's hands and allow her to choose whether or not to let it go or remain angry.  Either way, the Lord will sustain me regardless of what she chooses to do.  

Edited April 15 by mbh26

[Vanguard]

On 4/8/2026 at 11:52 PM, Maestrophil said:

so what do you and others here think of members buying alcohol for someone at dinner or as a gift?  And even if it is a gray area, is it severe enough in your minds to constitute a moral failure?  

For me it's a really big deal and perhaps bigger than it should be. My wife and I have commented on this dynamic over the past almost 30 yrs. There runs something really deep about family members who have left the church and who now drink. I remember my youngest brother (I have 2 younger brothers who have left the faith) was polite enough to ask when both couples were out to dinner if we'd mind his purchasing a beer for dinner. Of course we said yes (what else would we say?!) but I found it hard. I have commented with my wife that I'd have an easier time with former member siblings and/or adult children having sexual relations outside of wedlock over them becoming drinkers the rationale being the sexual desire is more innate but the desire to drink not so much. And why would that be such a big deal? Who knows... I have seen Facebook photos of former active friends holding a drink and it brings me down. If my active member wife were to express a desire to start drinking I don't know that I could handle it over the long haul.

I suspect your wife may struggle with something of the same thing. We decided to let our 24 yros have hard liquor in his bedroom (in our house) for when he needed to 'take the edge off'. It feels like a deal with the devil though. : (  I don't think I could bring myself to purchasing it for our children when out on the town. I salute you both.

Talk to your wife. Process the experience with her. Concede where you should and challenge her if appropriate. Recognize these things may carry import beyond what you might have imagined.

God bless you both. : )

[Calm]

31 minutes ago, Vanguard said:

Concede where you should and challenge her if appropriate.

Whether I feel comfortable giving you a point depends on what you mean by “concede” and “challenge”

[Calm]

On 4/14/2026 at 6:32 PM, mbh26 said:

A lot of times when a woman won't tell you why she's angry or has put you in the doghouse for a seemingly trivial reason, it's because she's tired of a situation/affliction which she knows she has no right to blame you for. 

And you know this how?

Quote

  I've taken a lot of emotional abuse in my 22 years of marriage, but if men didn't none of us would be married for very long in this world. 

I am not in the least telling you that you have not experienced emotional abuse and a lot of it, but if you are saying that every man experiences emotional abuse in their marriages, I would like to know how you are defining “emotional abuse” and how you support the claim that it is married men’s typical experience.

Serious questions.  I am just curious, not challenging…at least at this point.

Edited April 18 by Calm

[The Nehor]

On 4/14/2026 at 7:32 PM, mbh26 said:

I don't think this is a moral failure on your part.  If your wife thinks that she's being Christlike by responding this way, then she's wrong.  But obviously telling her that (communicating) isn't going to help.  Instead of trying to calm my wife down and never go to bed angry as I was taught.  I've learned that just walking away is the best I can do, especially when my wife is angry, unreasonable, or perhaps depressed and just taking it out on whoever she is around.  The only person I accept chastisement from is God.  As long as my relationship with Him is ok, than whatever physical/emotional pain mortal men or women think they're justified in inflicting upon me doesn't bother me anymore.  It used make me go into a rage and punch through walls because it was just so frustrating to have someone try to control and manipulate me in that way.  Oh she's mad again.  Oh she's leaving.  Eventually I stopped trying to stop her.  If you want to leave, then leave.  But she never has.  She calms down and starts acting right again for reasons I can't understand.  Now she's never apologized for getting angry and giving the silent treatment so I have no reason to think that she has recognized that she has done anything wrong, but for right now that doesn't matter.  Ultimately my covenant is with God and not with her.  I've taken a lot of emotional abuse in my 22 years of marriage, but if men didn't none of us would be married for very long in this world.  All children would either grow up in single mother homes or never get to be born at all.  Those things will be worked out in the next life.  For right now this is how I've found peace in relying on the Lord in this way.  I believe in the power of prayer.  My prayers that my wife not get angry have never been granted.  But God has answered my prayers that he knows the situation, knows what happened, and that He only He can heal all wounds.  I honestly have no desire for vengeance because I've chosen to believe that if I do my part, the Lord will make things right, and when she's being unreasonable the only thing you can do is just walk away. 

A lot of times when a woman won't tell you why she's angry or has put you in the doghouse for a seemingly trivial reason, it's because she's tired of a situation/affliction which she knows she has no right to blame you for.  And often times women will find some thing where she feels like she's more justified in her anger/resentment to call out and punish you.  Perhaps she knows that why she wants to divorce you isn't an acceptable reason to lds culture, in the eyes of her parents or other people whose opinions she respects.  So her solution is to find something else to accuse you of that might be more acceptable.  Not that any of that matters, In the end the solution is still the same, just walk away put it God's hands and allow her to choose whether or not to let it go or remain angry.  Either way, the Lord will sustain me regardless of what she chooses to do.  

YIKES ON BIKES!

I am so sorry you are going through this and no, that kind of abuse isn’t normal.

[mbh26]

On 4/18/2026 at 3:38 AM, The Nehor said:

YIKES ON BIKES!

I am so sorry you are going through this and no, that kind of abuse isn’t normal.

I think it's more common than we care to admit.  I just wanted to share how I overcame it.  Jesus Christ is always the answer.

[MustardSeed]

5 minutes ago, mbh26 said:

I think it's more common than we care to admit.  I just wanted to share how I overcame it.  Jesus Christ is always the answer.

Sometimes because of Jesus we put our  foot down and  insist on being treated respectfully and humanely.  
I’m not telling YOU to do things differently.  I’m speaking for anyone reading, thinking they need to do things like you. 
best wishes, you’ve been through it.

[mbh26]

21 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

Sometimes because of Jesus we put our  foot down and  insist on being treated respectfully and humanely.  
I’m not telling YOU to do things differently.  I’m speaking for anyone reading, thinking they need to do things like you. 
best wishes, you’ve been through it.

Thank you and Nehor both for your kind words.  I certainly agree that the Lord has different paths for all of us, since we're individuals and one size does not fit all.  But I have found more and more truth in the sermon on the mount at 50 years old.  When I was 16 and read, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for those who despitefully use you," I could never make sense of how God could love us and then ask us to do that.  But I can say now that the Lord is right and it works.  

[MustardSeed]

1 hour ago, mbh26 said:

Thank you and Nehor both for your kind words.  I certainly agree that the Lord has different paths for all of us, since we're individuals and one size does not fit all.  But I have found more and more truth in the sermon on the mount at 50 years old.  When I was 16 and read, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, and pray for those who despitefully use you," I could never make sense of how God could love us and then ask us to do that.  But I can say now that the Lord is right and it works.  

Ok best to you -