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What love isn't


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Posted (edited)

While not always the most articulately written, the general sentiment is nonetheless one I agree with. Even the vile, transphobic, mysogynistic, hate-spewing Jordan Peterson's comment: “If I am forced into a position where I have to validate your identity … What if your identity is wrong? What if it’s pathological? What if it doesn’t serve you well? … and if I start validating you, do you think I am your friend?  I am not your friend at all, I am a mirror for your narcissism.” ~Jordan Peterson

https://publicsquaremag.org/dialogue/tolerance/what-love-isnt/

Edited by Nofear
Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, Nofear said:

While not always the most articulately written, the general sentiment is nonetheless one I agree with. Even the vile, transphobic, mysogynistic, hate-spewing Jordan Peterson

I have watched a number I’d YouTube clips of Jordan Peterson and while I would not agree with everything he presents, your characterization of him is not accurate in my opinion 

Edited by carbon dioxide
Posted
11 minutes ago, Nofear said:

While not always the most articulately written, the general sentiment is nonetheless one I agree with. Even the vile, transphobic, mysogynistic, hate-spewing Jordan Peterson's comment: “If I am forced into a position where I have to validate your identity … What if your identity is wrong? What if it’s pathological? What if it doesn’t serve you well? … and if I start validating you, do you think I am your friend?  I am not your friend at all, I am a mirror for your narcissism.” ~Jordan Peterson

https://publicsquaremag.org/dialogue/tolerance/what-love-isnt/

Great article (I read about half of it just now)! It reminds of Lewis' analogy in Mere Christianity to a fleet of ships sailing across the ocean. In this analogy there are three considerations - 1) how well does each ship remain in good working order, 2) how well does the fleet keep from colliding with one another, and 2) is the fleet indeed sailing toward its intended destination. His own verbiage is much better - 

There are two ways in which the human machine goes wrong. One is when human individuals drift apart from one another, or else collide with one another and do one another damage, by cheating or bullying. The other is when things go wrong inside the individual – when the different parts of him (his different faculties and desires and so on) either drift apart or interfere with one another. You can get the idea plain if you think of us as a fleet of ships sailing in formation. The voyage will be a success only, in the first place, if the ships do not collide and get in one another's way; and, secondly, if each ship is seaworthy and has her engines in good order. As a matter of fact, you cannot have either of these two things without the other. If the ships keep on having collisions they will not remain seaworthy very long. On the other hand, if their steering gears are out of order they will not be able to avoid collisions. Or, if you like, think of humanity as a band playing a tune. To get a good result, you need two things. Each player's individual instrument must be in tune and also each must come in at the right moment so as to combine with all the others.

But there is one thing we have not yet taken into account. We have not asked where the fleet is trying to get to, or what piece of music the band is trying to play. The instruments might be all in tune and might all come in at the right moment, but even so the performance would not be a success if they had been engaged to provide dance music and actually played nothing but Dead Marches. And however well the fleet sailed, its voyage would be a failure if it were meant to reach New York and actually arrived at Calcutta.

Morality, then, seems to be concerned with three things. Firstly, with fair play and harmony between individuals. Secondly, with what might be called tidying up or harmonising the things inside each individual. Thirdly, with the general purpose of human life as a whole: what man was made for: what course the whole fleet ought to be on: what tune the conductor of the band wants it to play.2

In the final paragraph of the chapter this excerpt is taken from, Lewis states, “It seems, then, that if we are to think about morality, we must think of all three departments: relations between man and man: things inside each man: and relations between man and the power that made him. We can all co-operate in the first one. Disagreements begin with the second and become serious with the third. It is in dealing with the third that the main differences between Christian and non-Christian morality come out.”

Easy enough to avoid hitting into each other's ship, harder to keep our own ship in good working order, and what seems infinitely harder to gain consensus about where we are actually all headed for.

Posted
38 minutes ago, carbon dioxide said:

I have watched a number I’d YouTube clips of Jordan Peterson and while I would not agree with everything he presents, your characterization of him is not accurate in my opinion 

Agree with everything you say.

Posted
3 minutes ago, pogi said:

The problem here is in how we define gender.  You seem to be defining it as "biological sex" which is a trait and fact, much like height, age, etc.  Gender, on the other hand, is being used to describe how one identifies.  There is no problem with validating how one feels, and how they identify.  That is NOT the same as "validating falsehoods".  

I think most use gender and biological sex interchangeably.  How one feels is fine for them but others don’t feel or identify the same way.  If a man comes to my house and feels they are a dog, it does me no good to validate their feelings and they then proceed to take a poop on my lawn.  The problem is some people are going far beyond just simple validation but they are demanding accommodation and submission.  They are going to come into a locker room and demand everyone else accept it whether they like it or not.  

Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, pogi said:

The problem here is in how we define gender. 

And also how gender is being re-defined.  "Sex," it has been only recently argued, is "biological" (in the chromosomes, the genitalia, the secondary sex characteristics, etc.), whereas "gender" is "psychological" and/or a "social construct."  But even this differentiation is falling apart, as we are now being told that sex is something that is "assigned."  If I had been "assigned" as a female, that would have been . . . biologically incorrect.  My biological sex was not "assigned" or chosen by the doctor who delivered me in a tiny hospital in Kahuku, Hawaii.  Instead, my biological sex was, and is, and always will be, built into every cell of my body.

I have great sympathy and compassion for people facing difficulties like gender dysphoria.  These issues have become hugely politicized, and there is a lot of bullying and menacing about them.  Very unfortunate.

2 hours ago, pogi said:

You seem to be defining it as "biological sex" which is a trait and fact, much like height, age, etc.  Gender, on the other hand, is being used to describe how one identifies.

Okay.  Work with me on this, as I would like to understand your position, which seems to utterly sever "gender" from "biology."  Consider the following:

  • If I say "I identify as a wolf," then in my view that does alter anything as to my status as a human. 
  • If I say "I identify as a ten-year old," then in my view that does not alter anything as to my actual age. 
  • If I say "I identify as the biological son of Martin Luther King, Jr.," then in my view that does not alter my parentage.

Do you agree or disagree with these propositions?

Now, it may happen that I can, in furtherance of my "identifying" as a wolf, mimic and adopt behaviors that are generally attributed to wolves: quadrupedal movement, living in the wild, howling, etc.  But what does that mean?  Am I a wolf because I "identify" as one, or am I a human?

Also, what if I, identifying myself as a wolf, bite someone?  Can I be euthanized as a dangerous animal?  If not, why not?

Also, let's say that I, identifying myself as a wolf, am killed in a tragic propane explosion.  If a medical pathologist thereafter examined my remains (my bones, my remaining flesh, my teeth, my DNA, etc.), would his report list the remains as being those of a human being, or a wolf?

2 hours ago, pogi said:

There is no problem with validating how one feels, and how they identify.  That is NOT the same as "validating falsehoods".  

Again, I'd like to better understand this.  If I, a human being (homo sapiens) named Spencer Macdonald, "identify" as a wolf (canis lupus), and you "validate" that identity, what would you say is my species?  Homo sapiens or canis lupus?

In my view, you "validating" my "identity" as a wolf (canis lupus) would be "validating" a falsehood.  Is it?

Thanks,

-Smac

Edited by smac97
Posted
3 hours ago, Nofear said:

While not always the most articulately written, the general sentiment is nonetheless one I agree with. Even the vile, transphobic, mysogynistic, hate-spewing Jordan Peterson's comment: “If I am forced into a position where I have to validate your identity … What if your identity is wrong? What if it’s pathological? What if it doesn’t serve you well? … and if I start validating you, do you think I am your friend?  I am not your friend at all, I am a mirror for your narcissism.” ~Jordan Peterson
......................

Yup.  That's what love isn't, at least from your end.

Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, smac97 said:

If I say "I identify as a wolf," then in my view that does alter anything as to my status as a human. 

A wolf is a biological entity.  Sex, like a wolf, is a biological description.   It is not a "psychological" and/or a "social construct", like gender is.  You may identify as a wolf, but you are still a human. 

1 hour ago, smac97 said:

If I say "I identify as a ten-year old," then in my view that does not alter anything as to my actual age. 

I agree, just like identifying as a female, does not alter a persons sex, regardless of what their actual sex is.

1 hour ago, smac97 said:

If I say "I identify as the biological son of Martin Luther King, Jr.," then in my view that does not alter my parentage.

I agree.   Once again you are conflating biological facts with "psychological and/or social constructs".  No one is arguing that a biological male identifying as a female alters his chromosomes.

 

Edited by pogi
Posted
50 minutes ago, bluebell said:
Quote
Quote

What if we can acknowledge that validation isn't the same thing as agreeing?

That's an interesting question.  Could you elaborate?  How would a person "validate" something without "agreeing" with it?

Here are some good links that give ways and ideas on how to validate when you disagree:

https://michaelssorensen.com/how-to-validate-someone-when-you-dont-agree-with-them/

https://www.commcoterie.com/blog/why-validation-works

https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/creating-closeness-in-disagreement-the-power-of-validation

https://thegetrealproject.com/2016/09/really-listen-disagree/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336

https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-disagree/

I am glad we are talking about this, as we seem to be talking past each other a bit.  In a sense, you seem to be speaking of validating people (as evidenced by your links) whereas I was referring to validing concepts / ideas / opinions.

From your second link:

Quote

Validation means that you recognize another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors as understandable and valid.
...
If the person you’re talking to (or the person who is talking at you) feels like they’re not understood or you’re not listening, they might keep doubling down and repeating themselves. What they want is a reaction from you, because we all want to be validated.

...
Maybe your friend, partner, family member, or coworker says or does things that you would never, ever do. Why would you validate their words and actions? Disagreement is often the reason that we don’t validate someone, but the good news is, you don’t need to agree with someone to validate their feelings! All you’re doing is accepting their individual experience and saying that their emotions are understandable.

See, I don't quite accept that.  I think this is an ideosyncratic application of the word "validate," both because it is ambiguous (are you "validating" the individual as having worth and merit, or are you "validating" their opinion on a given issue?) and because that ambiguity is part of the problem.  I think we as a society are beginning to conflate our innate worth as individuals with "validation" of our opinions/perspectives on a given topic.  I will always "validate" the former, but "validating" the latter would, in my mind, transcent "accepting their individual experience and saying that their emotions are understandable" and extend into ratification and endorsement of that experience and those emotions.  

50 minutes ago, bluebell said:

With validation, I think it's important to remember that it is really the beginning of the conversation or discussion, not the end of it.  In a lot of ways it's just being able and willing to walk a couple of miles in someone else's shoes with the goal of seeing the experience through their eyes.  You don't have to agree with someone to be able to do that.  And the discussion isn't over after those couple of miles.

Okay.  I think we have differeing perspectives on what "validate" means.

50 minutes ago, bluebell said:

As validation happens, that opens the door for further discussion and mutual understanding and respect. You might both still completely disagree with each other when it's all over but hopefully you both feel valued (not your opinions, but as a person) and open to different points of view.

I think I'm understanding things more.  For you "validation" is functionally equivalent to signaling an awareness and understanding of, and respect for, the other person's perspective, whereas for me "validation" means "to show that something is real or correct."

Thanks,

-Smac

Posted

While serving my mission in TN, and assigned to the town of Dayton, TN, my companion and I were tracting a neighborhood and realized a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses were coming down the same street as us from the other direction. We actually met them in the middle of the road (kind of wild west style...cue western gun fight music). We exchanged pleasantries and we introduced ourselves as "Elder Tribe and Elder So-and-So."  They refused to call us Elder, even after I pointed it out to them a second time. It struck me as petty and unnecessary.  Your mileage may vary, of course.

Posted
12 minutes ago, ttribe said:

They refused to call us Elder, even after I pointed it out to them a second time. It struck me as petty and unnecessary.  Your mileage may vary, of course.

Are you aware they refuse to use honorary titles with anyone?

https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1955321

Quote

The prestige produced by titles such as “bishop,” “deacon,” “Reverend Doctor” and “Father” gratifies a desire for honor and praise of men. Titles also make one feel different, separate from others. Yet Christ said: “All you are brothers.” This should prompt us to search the Bible to find out whether honorary titles befit true Christians.—Matt. 23:8, NW.

 

Posted
11 minutes ago, pogi said:

A wolf is a biological entity. 

So is a male homo sapiens.  So me "identifying" as something other than a male homo sapiens doesn't alter my status as that "biological entity."

11 minutes ago, pogi said:

Sex, like a wolf, is a biological description.   It is not a "psychological" and/or a "social construct", like gender is.  You may identify as a wolf, but you are still a human. 

I agree, just like identifying as a female, does not alter a persons sex, regardless of what their actual sex is.

But much of the literature would seem to disallow a corollary statement like "You, a male homo sapiens, may 'identify' as a female homo sapiens, but you are still a male."  This is why we are seeing phrases like "people who menstruate" (because trans men are biological women who "identify" as men).  This is why biological males are now participating in women's sports (because they "identify" as female).  And so on.

11 minutes ago, pogi said:
Quote

If I say "I identify as the biological son of Martin Luther King, Jr.," then in my view that does not alter my parentage.

I agree.   Once again you are conflating biological facts with "psychological and/or social constructs".  No one is arguing that a biological male identifying as a female alters his chromosomes. 

I think there is a difference between "conflating" and "not completely differentiating."  Quite a bit, actually.  If "gender" is something that someone can "identify" under, then my point remains.  I can't "identify" my way into becoming the son of Martin Luther King, Jr., either genetically, or legally, or sociologically.  As much as I may want to "identify" as his son, I'm . . . not.  But Lia Thomas, a male homo sapiens, "identifies" as a female homo sapiens , and is participating in sports designated for female homo sapiens.  UPenn seems to be "conflating" sex and gender.

Naia Ōkami "identifies" as a wolf.  Says he: "On all levels except physical, I am a wolf…*ruff*.“  In my view, designating and treating Lia Thomas as a female homo sapiens because he "identifies" himself as such is logically equivalent to allowing a park ranger to tranq Naia and ship him off to Yellowstone because he "identifies" as a wolf.  Now, it appears that nobody is doing much to go along with Naia's "identity."  Nobody is calling the police about a "wolf" on the loose.  No court of law would authorize law enforcement to euthanize Naia if he bit someone (euthanasia being allowed for dangerous animals).

There is no clear-cut delineation between "sex" and "gender."  They are substantially intertwined with each other.  And society is essentially conflating them, such that someone who "identifies" as a member of a "gender" category is treated as a member of the corresponding "sex" category.

Thanks,

-Smac

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