Puns!!!

[Okrahomer]

E-mailed to me this morning by a pun-loving friend:

 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

 

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

 

" But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

 

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 

[Kenngo1969]

The king needed to get an urgent message from one side of his kingdom to the other.  The two sides were separated by a river which was spanned by a bridge.  Ordinarily, such a circumstance would be of no consequence, but this river was home to a giant yellow monster.  Often, the king's attempts to communicate with the other side of his kingdom via messenger were thwarted by this monster, as it rose up out of the water to molest, harm, or perhaps kill the king's messengers.  This particular message, however, was of singular importance, and it was vital that it be delivered to the other side of the kingdom.  Knowing the long odds, the king chose his bravest knight as messenger.  Undaunted, the knight donned his armor and mounted his trusty steed.  He rode throughout the night, approaching the bridge at full gallop. As he began to cross, suddenly, a giant yellow hand came up out of the water and pulled the brave knight and his trusty steed to the dark depths below, where they met their tragic and untimely end.  

 

The king was deeply saddened when word of the knight's death reached him, but there was little time to grieve.  As I said, it was of singular importance that this vital message be relayed to the other side of the kingdom.  Thus, the king chose his second-best knight as messenger.  Undaunted, the knight donned his armor and mounted his trusty steed.  He rode throughout the night, approaching the bridge at full gallop.  Alas, just as had happened with his predecessor and fellow brave knight, as he began to cross, suddenly, a giant yellow hand again came up out of the water and, again, pulled the brave knight and his trusty steed to the dark depths below, where they, yet again, met their tragic and untimely end.  Yet again, the king grieved when word of the knight's death reached him, but there remained the task of delivering this singularly-important, vital message to the other side of the kingdom.

 

Realizing that he could no longer risk his best knights (no matter how gallant and brave), not to mention the kingdom's best horse flesh, to this risky venture, the king decided to try a different tack.  From among his servants, this time he chose, not a brave and valiant knight, but, rather, a lowly page.  And this time, the messenger would not approach the bridge at full gallop but, rather, on foot.  This time, it took the lowly (but valiant) page two or three days to reach the bridge.  Gathering his last ounce of courage as he approached, he inhaled deeply and began to walk across.  Again, the giant yellow hand rose up out of the water, the monster ready to claim yet another victim.  Expecting yet another gallant, trusty steed at full gallop, however, this time, the monster's timing was thrown off, and he narrowly missed grasping the lowly (but valiant) page and dragging him down to the dark depths below, where he would have met his tragic and untimely end (no doubt to be mourned by the benevolent king when word of his death reached the castle).  Instead, the page was able to proceed calmly to the other side of the kingdom, where he delivered this singularly important and vital message.  Moral of the story?  Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

 

Edited September 3, 2015 by Kenngo1969

[Garden Girl]

Kenngo...

After all that??!!  I couldn't help myself... I chuckled out loud... 

Yeah, I can't let you get a way with that... I'll have to come up with something...  

 

GG

[Kenngo1969]

Kenngo...

After all that??!!  I couldn't help myself... I chuckled out loud... 

Yeah, I can't let you get a way with that... I'll have to come up with something...  

 

GG

I am positively all aquiver, waiting with 'bated breath, on the edge of my seat!

[The Nehor]

E-mailed to me this morning by a pun-loving friend:

 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

 

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

 

" But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

 

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 

He then had Croesus killed and brought all the other pawn brokers to view the spectacle and said:

"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"

He got better deals from then on.

[JAHS]

Scripture puns:

 

Why should I go to Utah to date.?

Lamentations 5:18 - Because of the mountain of Zion, which is desolate, the foxes walk upon it.

 

Santa Clause on Christmas Eve:

Zechariah 2:6 - Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, 

 

The rules regarding Job Promotions.

Psalms 75:6-7

6 For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. 

7 But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another.

 

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? 

A. Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

 

A missionary receiving a "Dear John" letter.

EZRA 9:3 And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonied.

 

Bad case of indigestion, gastritis and flatulence...

JER 4:19 My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.

 

Kids, for the next time your parents tell yo to wash your hands before you eat.

MAT 15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

 

Nothing left in town to eat but beans.

Ether 14:23 and the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof;

 

 

[Okrahomer]

This one's not much of a pun, but it makes me laugh:

 

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

 

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

 

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

 

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

 

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

 

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[ERayR]

Moses rode a motorcycle - The roar of Moses Triumph could be heard throughout the land.

 

What was the name of Nephi's horse?

Beunto He is always saying Whoa be unto. 

[strappinglad]

Edited to avoid desperation:

 

    The King of the Basques brings a vast army of 50,000 warriors to attack the treasure city of the Vandals. The treasure city is in a hidden box canyon with just one way in or out. The way in is through a very narrow and deep passage guarded by Vandals armed with spears, arrows and boiling oil. The Basque Kings sends his entire army to penetrate the passage. The defenders shoot their  arrows and throw the spears and pour the boiling oil and destroy every one of the Basque warriors.

 

   Moral of the story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit !

[Garden Girl]

Strappinglad...

That's truly terrible!!  Ha!

 

GG 

 

 

[Okrahomer]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair.

 

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

 

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Rain]

JAHS - thank ! I learned about the Santa Claus one in seminary 30+ years ago and haven't been able to find it since.

[Garden Girl]

Not an actual pun... I'm still thinking on that.... But....

 

A young boy came down to breakfast one morning and said, "Dad, I dreamed about you last night."

"About me, what did you dream?

"I dreamed I was climbing a ladder to heaven, and on the way up I had to write one of my sins on each step of the ladder."

"Where did I come into your dream?" asked his father.

"When I was going up, I met you coming down for more chalk."

(New Era, Jan. 1973,22)

 

 

"If all the people who sleep in church were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable."

 

And speaking of naming babies....

"I've made up my mind what we'll call the baby," a young mother announced to her husband.  "We'll call her Eulalia."

The father didn't like the name and he quickly thought of a solution. "That's fine,"  he said,  "The first girl I loved was named Eulalia, and it will bring back pleasant memories."

The wife was silent for a moment. "We'll call her Mary after my mother," she said.

 

from the beach on a lovely sunny morning, a perfect start to the Labor Day Weekend... and the last of summer... the trees out my window are losing their leaves faster each day... evenings are shorter... darkness envelops earlier... sigh...

 

GG

Edited September 4, 2015 by Garden Girl

[ERayR]

Strappinglad...

That's truly terrible!!  Ha!

 

GG 

 

What we here in the hinterlands call corn.  Terrible but funny.

[Kenngo1969]

Many of us are quite afraid of snakes, and, in many cases, not without good reason.  In his travels in the dead of winter throughout the city, Bill chanced upon one such serpent.  He might've reacted the way many of us would have, recoiling in horror; instead, however, he found himself fascinated by this snake's unusual ability.  As he looked upon the snake, it began speaking to him.  The cold-blooded creature was in a truly poor state given the low winter temperatures, and it asked Bill, "C-c-could you s-s-spare a c-c-coat or a b-b-blanket?"  Ordinarily, Bill might not've been disposed to take pity on such a creature, but he recognized the unusual opportunity presented by this one's apparently-unique ability.  "I can do better than that," Bill said.  "Why don't you come to my house and warm yourself by a nice, cozy fire."  The snake was most grateful.  "Th-th-thank you!" he said.  Of course, it wouldn't do to have a mere nameless stranger under Bill's roof, so he introduced himself.  "My name's Bill," he said.  "N-N-Nate," the snake replied.

 

What might've been a brief visit turned, instead, into a more long-term relationship, as the more Bill and Nate talked, the more they realized they had in common with one another, and they became genuine friends.  Bill and Nate became inseperable, as Bill took his new serpentine friend everywhere: Out to eat, to the movies, to work, to the pool hall he often frequented after work, or even to church.  Given that they were inseparable, it was inevitable that many of Bill's friends became Nate's friends, too, of course.  One night, the two friends were watching a late-night newscast in which a bulletin was broadcast about a dangerous lever that was reported to be somewhere in the city.  Reportedly, if the lever were pulled (whether inadvertently or on purpose) a bomb would go off, destroying a significant portion of the city.

 

Their sense of civic pride and duty to their home city welling within them, Bill and Nate felt they had to do something about the lever. They had to at least try to find it before someone with malevolent intentions did, or before another curious, unwitting, unwary citizen chanced upon it and triggered it out of curiosity.  They thought their chances would be better if they split up, so that's what they did, and of course Nate's litheness allowed him to wriggle into many places the bigger, less agile Bill could not go in search of the dangerous lever.  They searched diligently for several hours before Nate rounded a street corner not far from the duo's house and, lo and behold, found the lever.  Nate quickly sidled up to it.  Not long afterward, Nate saw Bill's very recognizable car turn the same corner.  Realizing the acute need to warn his friend of the impending danger, Nate jumped up into the air and used his body to begin spelling out letters like mad:

 

S-T-O-P, L-E-V-E-R!

S-T-O-P, L-E-V-E-R!

S-T-O-P, L-E-V-E-R!

 

Alas, though Bill knew something unusual was afoot, as sometimes happens, he was unable to put two and two together quickly enough to figure out exactly what.  Though this choice may have been borne less out of conscious thought than out of instinct, by the time it dawned on him that it was his friend trying to warn him of the lever, Bill was faced with a choice: He could either hit the lever and harm a significant portion of his fellow citizens, or he could sacrifice his friend and save them.  On instinct, he did the latter. Crestfallen, Bill got out of his car to survey the damage, his deceased friend's body now splayed across his windshield.  A mutual friend of the pair had seen what happened, and went over to console the snake's best friend.

 

"I saw what happened," the mutual friend said.  "I know that you and Nate were great friends," he continued, "and it's never easy to lose a friend, but, well," and here he paused, searching for the right words before finishing, "Better Nate than lever."

 

Edited September 5, 2015 by Kenngo1969

[busybee]

This is a real live pun from our ward RS Fb page:

 

Hi Sisters, The Stake Relief Society Presidency have asked us to get involved in service in a very specific way. Sister x is collecting bras for women in Africa and the closing date is this Sunday morning.

If any of you have any old washed bras lying around that you don't need or want please donate them so that our fellow sisters can have our support!

If you have any just let us know and we'll get them from you.

 

 

 

Cracked me up!!!

[Garden Girl]

Many of us are quite afraid of snakes, and, in many cases, not without good reason.  In his travels in the dead of winter throughout the city, Bill chanced upon one such serpent.  He might've reacted the way many of us would have, recoiling in horror; instead, however, he found himself fascinated by this snake's unusual ability.  As he looked upon the snake, it began speaking to him.

  

... Etc Etc Etc

 

 

I give up...

 

GG

[strappinglad]

And I thought mine was bad !!! Kenngo hide quick !

[Kenngo1969]

What, you wanted good puns?    Huh.  Well, perhaps you should change the thread's title, then!

[strappinglad]

My problem, Kenngo, with your story , was the fact that I pronounce ' lever ' l-ee-ver and it took ages to catch on to the pun.

[Kenngo1969]

My problem, Kenngo, with your story , was the fact that I pronounce ' lever ' l-ee-ver and it took ages to catch on to the pun.

Sorry you don't know how to speak English.

 

 (Joking, of course!  Joking!)

 

P.S.: Do you drink nice, cool bee-verages, too, when you get thirsty and need a little refreshment? (OK, I'll stop!  Of course, heck, for all I know, maybe my brothers and sisters from across the pond do pronounce the word "beverage" with a long "e" ... )  How did you finally "get it"?  Do you have a friend from this side of the pond explain it to you? (Seriously; I'm curious now ...)

 

P.P.S. Apologies to the Queen, for corrupting her beloved mother tongue.

Edited September 5, 2015 by Kenngo1969

[saemo]

What did the fish say when it hit a brick wall?

 

Dam!

 

 

 

 

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted, peanut.

[strappinglad]

Sorry you don't know how to speak English.

 

 (Joking, of course!  Joking!)

 

P.S.: Do you drink nice, cool bee-verages, too, when you get thirsty and need a little refreshment? (OK, I'll stop!  Of course, heck, for all I know, maybe my brothers and sisters from across the pond do pronounce the word "beverage" with a long "e" ... )  How did you finally "get it"?  Do you have a friend from this side of the pond explain it to you? (Seriously; I'm curious now ...)

 

P.P.S. Apologies to the Queen, for corrupting her beloved mother tongue.

It is logical to pronounce it leaver as one has to lean on it to make it work. One can't just len on it. Please excuse my pre-modern thinking. I'm still fighting to remove the 'u' from labour. Now if we could just agree on ' nyt ' for the dark time.

[strappinglad]

Que es un pato andando con dos patas ?

 

Hay dos respuestas :

 

1. Un pato regular

2. Un pato Mormon

 

Puns were the main form of joking in Central America when I was there. They work best when spoken not written.

 

For the Spanish challenged , una pata can be either ' a foot '  or 'a female duck'

[Stargazer]

After decades of research in ancient documents, Dr. Fogworthy, a brilliant and dedicated professor at a prestigious university, made an astonishing discovery that he could hardly believe was true, but the reliability of the information seemed ironclad: God had not made the Earth completely solid down to the center, but had left it hollow at the very middle of the solid core.  Hovering at the center of the hollow space, which was approximately 50 miles in diameter, was a special explosive material set in place in order to facilitate the destruction of the Earth.  This material was to be triggered by God at His discretion through the throwing of a giant lever that would complete the electrical circuit controlling the detonator. 

 

In order to ensure that no-one would interfere with the destruct mechanism of the Earth, and destroy it before God willed it so, He had placed a guardian that continually watched over the lever.  This guardian was a giant snake.  The snake was quite intelligent, and watched over the lever at all times, and God had given him a name, which was Nathan.  Nathan was a humble ophidian, however, and preferred to be called Nate.  And so Nate the Snake hovered over the explosive material and its firing mechanism, the lever, in the neutral gravity position at the exact center of the earth.

 

Dr. Fogworthy wanted to confirm his discovery, but to build a tunneling machine adequate for the purpose of drilling all the way to the center of the earth would require more money and resources than he, although personally quite wealthy, could muster for the project.  However, being an inveterate fundraiser, Dr. Albertson successfully applied for a substantial grant from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), with the justification that if his research was correct, important scientific principles would be discovered, some of which might be applicable to the national defense.  In particular, it seemed important to find out how it was possible for a giant snake to survive at the center of the earth where the temperature was believed to be around 5400 °C, close to that of the surface of the sun.  DARPA was intrigued and granted him the money.

 

It took several years of research and design, but finally the digging machine was completed and successfully tested.  I would tell you more about the technology behind the machine, but unfortunately the bulk of it is now classified and, well, if I told you I'd have to shoot you. 

 

Security considerations aside, the day came when Dr. Albertson and his picked crew began drilling for the center of the earth.  Tunneling for 4,000 miles through the hottest rock was quite a feat, and it took weeks, but finally they reached the 50 mile wide hollow at the center of the earth.  The machine had been designed with navigational jets for maneuvering in the hollow, but unfortunately the jets had been damaged by the heat of the journey, and as soon as they broke through the inner wall of the core and started falling towards the center and the destruct mechanism it was realized that they had no control over their course.  They were going to hit the lever.  And they would destroy the earth!

 

Fortunately, God had planned well, and now Nate the Snake was alerted to the danger.  He began swimming through the dense air of the core, on an intercept course with Dr. Fogworthy's digging machine.  Nate was a good mile long, and his open jaws spanned several hundred yards, wide enough to engulf Dr. Fogworthy's machine with room to spare.  As the crew frantically began to try to repair their maneuver capabilities, Nate inexorably neared the intercept point, ready to eat them before they could destroy the earth by hitting the lever.  With only a few minutes to spare before the intercept, the engineer reported to Dr. Fogworthy that he had recovered the ability to slow (but not stop) their descent with the forward jets, and thus avoid Nate.  But they would then hit the lever since the lateral jets were irreparable. 

 

Dr. Fogworthy therefore had only two choices: fire the forward jets and avoid being eaten by Nate and thus destroy the earth; or, let Nate eat them and thus spare the earth. But this was no choice, after all, since there was only one thing he should do. 

 

And indeed, it was clear to everyone in the expedition: It was better Nate than lever.

 

--------------------------

 

DANG!!!  Kenngo beat me to it!  Different story, but same punchline.  I've been carrying this one around in my head since my mission (one of my companions told it to me to kill time on a long walk home one night). 

 

This shows the peril of posting before reading the entire thread.

Edited September 6, 2015 by Stargazer