Kenngo1969 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 ... DANG!!! Kenngo beat me to it! Different story, but same punchline. I've been carrying this one around in my head since my mission (one of my companions told it to me to kill time on a long walk home one night). This shows the peril of posting before reading the entire thread.I was reading this the whole time thinking to myself, "Yep, this seems pretty familiar, all right, but I want to keep reading to find out how yours ends!" Besides, as Strappinglad has pointed out, according to the Queen, the proper pronunciation of the word is "leaver." 1
Stargazer Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) I was reading this the whole time thinking to myself, "Yep, this seems pretty familiar, all right, but I want to keep reading to find out how yours ends!" Besides, as Strappinglad has pointed out, according to the Queen, the proper pronunciation of the word is "leaver." As to pronunciation, the Queen is not the final arbiter. Wiktionary indicates that UK pronunciation is indeed leever, but US pronunciation rhymes with never. Now, I ask you, when the Brits say "leever", do they also say "neever"? No, they don't. Except then we come to "fever". Nobody says "fever" that rhymes with "never". Crazy English language, how I love thee! I got made fun of when in the British school I attended I pronounced the word "tube" like "toob". My school chums mocked me cruelly, saying the proper pronunciation was "Tee-oob". Like "tyube". I kept asking them where the heck did they see a "Y" in there, but they wouldn't answer. When I came back to the USA and had to once say the word "headmaster" I couldn't help myself. It came out "headmahster", with the emphasis on the "mah" instead of the "head". I was infected with the Received Pronunciation! Edited September 6, 2015 by Stargazer 3
Okrahomer Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 It's a well known fact that Thomas Paine experienced severe and crippling writer's cramp while he was working on his massively influential pamphlet The American Crisis. One rainy evening anguishing over his lack of progress, he determined to give up writing altogether. Despondent and heedless of the rain, he left his dwelling to walk the few blocks to inform his friend Benjamin Franklin.Ben greeted Tom with characteristic American enthusiasm: "Thomas! You're soaked. Come in out of the rain."Wordlessly, Tom entered Ben's house and sat dripping in the vesitbule. Ben quickly helped Tom out of his overcoat and began blotting Tom's muddy shoes with an old newspaper. Somewhat embarrassed at his friends efforts, he said: "Ben! What are you doing?"Ben replied, "Tom! Isn't it obvious? These are the Times that dry men's soles." 2
Garden Girl Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Ben replied, "Tom! Isn't it obvious? These are the Times that dry men's soles." Aaaarrrrgghhhhh.... GG
Okrahomer Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Que es un pato andando con dos patas ? Hay dos respuestas : 1. Un pato regular2. Un pato Mormon Puns were the main form of joking in Central America when I was there. They work best when spoken not written. For the Spanish challenged , una pata can be either ' a foot ' or 'a female duck'I am not a Spanish speaker, so I really had to work on this one. The question is: what do you call a duck with two feet? But it could also mean: what do you call a duck with two wives?And the answers are:A normal duck or a Mormon duck. Is that it?
strappinglad Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) Except then we come to "fever". Nobody says "fever" that rhymes with "never". Crazy English language, how I love thee! !Yes. I would hate to learn English spelling from a foreign perspective. Take the words " rough , bough , through " same end spelling, three different pronunciations. Can't we just go phonetic , excuse me, fonetic. A favorite is to spell fish - photi. using common words as examples. Okra, andando means walking. Edited September 7, 2015 by strappinglad
Okrahomer Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Okra, andando means walking.Oy, vey!!! I think I've got it now.
strappinglad Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 OK here is a trick one : what is an hypotenuse ? The ' occupied ' sign on the bathroom of the space shuttle. 1
Kenngo1969 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 OK here is a trick one : what is an hypotenuse ?The ' occupied ' sign on the bathroom of the space shuttle."High Pot In Use" ... ?
strappinglad Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 "High Pot In Use" ... ? Just another example of my high intelligence level of humor . Notice how I avoided the 'u' in that last word.
Okrahomer Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) Here's a real groaner...The 1995 lock-out of the Major League Baseball umpires was very hard on the umps and made them all quite grumpy. After a tough day of walking the picket lines, one umpire returned home to find that his young boy wanted to play with him. As the tired ump was sitting in his favorite easy chair, the lad kept trying to crawl onto his lap. The umpire snapped, yelled at the boy, and the boy ran away crying.This proves the old adage: The Son Never Sits on the Brutish Umpire. Edited September 7, 2015 by Okrahomer 1
Okrahomer Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I'll run out of these soon, I promise...Scientists were experimenting with an anti-aging drug derived from the pituitary glands of baby seagulls. Their experiments had progressed from the test tube to various mammals, but they were getting very exciting results from their tests on porpoises. They were on the verge of a breakthrough when they ran out of the drug, so one of the scientists quickly drove to the state zoo which had a plentiful supply of the particular baby seagull they needed. Just as he was driving away from the zoo, some lions escaped from their cages, and in his haste to get back to the lab, the scientist ran over two of the lions.He was arrested for transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises. 2
Stargazer Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve bacteria in this bar!" They reply: "But we work here! We're staph!" 1
Stargazer Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve superconductors in this bar!" The room-temperature superconductor leaves without any resistance. 2
Stargazer Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Schoedinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. 1
busybee Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) http://www.tickld.com/pic/t/18667 Edited September 9, 2015 by busybee 1
Kenngo1969 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Just another example of my high intelligence level of humor . Notice how I avoided the 'u' in that last word.What's the penalty if the Queen says you have to use it, and you don't? (I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you! )
Kenngo1969 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) The King knew that treasure was buried somewhere in the kingdom, and he suspected one of his Counts knew, as well. Alas, "gentleness, and kindness, and love unfeigned" had not succeeded in his attempts to persuade the knowledgeable party to share his knowledge, and in circumstances such as those, the king certainly wasn't above using ... Ahem! ... other, less pleasant methods. When he decided that less extreme methods would not work, the King turned to his executioner, the Marquis de Sade. One by one, the Counts were called in; one by one, they were threatened with the most extreme punishment if they did not divulge the treasure's location; one by one, since one cannot divulge what one does not know, each of them met his untimely, unpleasant end under the sharp blade of the executioner's guillotine. Down to his last few Counts, the King summoned the next victim. Just as the others had been, he was interrogated; just as the others had done, he denied knowledge of the treasure's location; and just as the others had been, he was placed in the correct position on the guillotine, his untimely end imminent. But this time, just as the switch was thrown, the Count cried, "Wait!" But it was too late. Down came the blade, and off came his head, knowledge of the treasure's location now forever lost to the king due to this botched interrogation. The King, of course, was furious. "You idiot!" He berated the executioner. "How could you do such a thing! How many times have I told you? Never hatchet your counts before they chicken!!!!!!!!!!!!" Edited September 9, 2015 by Kenngo1969 3
strappinglad Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) A rope walks into a bar . The bartender says " We don't serve ropes here. Are you a rope ? " The rope brushes his head and says " I'm a frayed knot !" Edited September 10, 2015 by strappinglad 4
Okrahomer Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. Naturally, the second one became known as the lesser of two weevils. 1
busybee Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) A toothless wood louse walked in to a bar and asked 'where is the bar tender?' Edited September 10, 2015 by busybee 3
Garden Girl Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Where do you guys get this stuff??? GG
Okrahomer Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Where do you guys get this stuff??? GGI don't know about anyone else, but all of my stuff is completely original...NOT!!!But here's another little story for you upon parting...A witch doctor kept the members of his tribe in virtual subjugation by means of powerful magic. Whenever one of the tribesmen tried to overthrow him, he would be turned into an apple! One night a group of tribesmen sneaked into his hut, opened his book of magic, learned the apple spell, and turned the witch doctor into an apple!But the book warned that if the apple ever dried out and changed significantly in weight, it would turn back into the witch doctor, more powerful than ever! So every day the tribesmen placed the apple on a scale to make sure that its weight remained the same. Moral: A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.
busybee Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I truly believe that some people have magic powers.I was driving behind a tractor a few days ago and it turned into a field. Last week I was watching my neighbour. He was shoveling dirt into an empty lot next to his house. The plot thickens. 2
Stargazer Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) Where do you guys get this stuff??? GG I don't know where my companion got the Nate/Lever story, but I embellish it with extra details just to make it sound better. The "walked into a bar" jokes I posted I got from The Science Comedian: Note that the full video of this is at Fora.tv = http://library.fora.tv/2009/11/08/Science_Laughs_Science_Comedian_Brian_Malow Here's one from the XKCD comic: Edited September 11, 2015 by Stargazer 2
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