My Wife Is Overweight

[Guest]

So, I am almost ashamed to be writing here, but I will see how it goes. I love my wife and we have a great marriage. We have four beautiful kids. Even after all the children my wife kept her weight down. She is about 35-40 lbs overweight now. Not because of kids and pregnancy, but because of treats and eating too much. I know she has self esteem issues from it and her blood tests show her at high risk for diabetes and heart disease. I am still attracted to her though not as much as when she was slimmer. We are talking even 5 years ago. She tells me to stay out of it, even when I see her making super poor eating decisions. Interestingly she does exercise a fair amount. Even though she exercises her eating is still out of control. Something snapped when she told me to stay out of her weight issues a few weeks ago. I tried to encourage healthy eating and putting treats aside. I don't see any end to her behavior and I have to stop caring about her as much to stay silent. I have to pass on most of the treats and exercise more to keep my weight down. It seems like my wife is asking me to just accept her and put my feelings aside about her health and how she looks. I am trying to accept her, but I find myself feeling like part of our marriage is slipping away. I pray and try to find guidance, but I don't find my feelings changing yet. Any advice?

I have seen many threads like this from men over the years and none from women...like we are so great ourselves. I just hope no wife would ever find such a thread.

[readstoomuch]

I haven`t said anything to her for a month and have been supportive. I haven`t withdrawn affection. We still date, have good conversations and do things with our kids. I am still attracted to her. I am trying, it still isn`t easy to watch.

We have unlimited discussions on this board about polyandry, 14 year polygamy brides like Helen Mar Kimballl, SSM, OW and yet weight is a huge problem in and out of the Church. So I started this thread and it has been well responded to, even with it being in the Social Hall. I have seen a number of threads by women about men online. For example not helping around the house or changing diapers. Not be emotional or romantic enough. We have marriage retreats and classes in our ward and stake. Three couples have divorced in our ward in the last few months. In one of those the husband gained 50 lbs and wouldn`t work. His wife was working and supporting them. He said his weight made his back hurt and he couldn`t lose weight because his back prevented him from exercising. Each of these three couples had issues that I am sure unconditional acceptance and love would have helped.

How much unconditional love and acceptance can you exercise before you just can`t do it any more? I didn`t say I was any where close to wanting a divorce. I want to work through the issues. I want the best for her. She also knows she has a problem. She says so and has gone to the addiction recovery class. Yes, diets galore, but not the conviction inside of herself to make a consistent change. This morning before I went to work she asked me to throw all of her treats in the garbage, so I did. I just smiled and was supportive. Hopefully, she wants to make some consistent change. It is painful to watch, like a person hitting their head against the wall.

My wife tells me I am way more affectionate to her than her sisters husbands. She also tells me I work harder than any man she knows, support her and am very patient with her. I try. I work hard. So does she. I don`t deny that, but she is ruining her health and her looks at the same time. I am human and have weaknesses about her weight. I also lost 45 pounds myself and the only way I could lose weight was to watch every thing I eat, even on holidays. She can make it hard for me to keep my weight off, but I still have. I am working on the unconditional love skills. Any one whose spouse has an irritating habit knows where I am coming from.

Thanks for the support. I think the conversations have been fruitful for me, hopefully for others too. By "talking" about it, it has been easier to work through it.

[Rain]

Quote: How much unconditional love and acceptance can you exercise before you just can`t do it any more?

I'm not sure by definition that you can have unconditional love and acceptance and not be able to do it anymore.

Honestly, a month is a very short time in this circumstance.

From everything thing you say I'm not sure I would get excited about throwing out the treats yet. Overeating may only a symptom. Getting rid of a headache with a motrin doesn't mean much if the brain cancer is still there.

This all leads me back to the change in lifestyle idea. President Packer says if you want to change behavior then you should teach doctrine, not behavior. It may be more effective to have some scripture study where you both ask the Lord what doctrine He would have you understand better - not specifically asking about the weight, but what doctrine He feels you are most in need of.

[Tacenda]

I just read a post you made to the new member and it hit me. Your wife may be depressed. You've already stated how some of your children have drifted from belief in the church. Could she possibly feel guilt over this? Most parents have that problem it seems. And if she is TBM, it's probably pretty intense.

I can't imagine if I were still TBM what my mental state would be, since my children more than likely won't be strong, TR holding believers at the rate they're going.

Or maybe she's not like I would have been, I still have to constantly tell myself that I still raised them to be good inside, despite that they aren't living their religion.

Is she still involved with their lives? Do they reach out to her a lot, call or hangout with her? If not, and I can relate, maybe you should talk to them and have them be apart of her life by even showing they need her for different things. See if that might cheer her up. Most women need to feel needed, men too.

I hope some of these suggestions are helpful.

[MorningStar]

First of all, everyone's looks are going to go.  Your wife is going to get old, wrinkly, gray, saggy, etc. And so are you.  You will need to work on being attracted to her no matter what. 

 

Second, if her eating is really out of control, I would handle the situation like any other addiction.  I would tell her, "No, you need to be responsible for throwing out your treats."  Throwing out an alcoholic's vodka doesn't solve anything.  You need to get to why they are drinking.  Addiction is about escape.  What is she trying to escape? 

[Raingirl]

I haven`t said anything to her for a month and have been supportive. I haven`t withdrawn affection. We still date, have good conversations and do things with our kids. I am still attracted to her. I am trying, it still isn`t easy to watch.

We have unlimited discussions on this board about polyandry, 14 year polygamy brides like Helen Mar Kimballl, SSM, OW and yet weight is a huge problem in and out of the Church. So I started this thread and it has been well responded to, even with it being in the Social Hall. I have seen a number of threads by women about men online. For example not helping around the house or changing diapers. Not be emotional or romantic enough. We have marriage retreats and classes in our ward and stake. Three couples have divorced in our ward in the last few months. In one of those the husband gained 50 lbs and wouldn`t work. His wife was working and supporting them. He said his weight made his back hurt and he couldn`t lose weight because his back prevented him from exercising. Each of these three couples had issues that I am sure unconditional acceptance and love would have helped.

How much unconditional love and acceptance can you exercise before you just can`t do it any more? I didn`t say I was any where close to wanting a divorce. I want to work through the issues. I want the best for her. She also knows she has a problem. She says so and has gone to the addiction recovery class. Yes, diets galore, but not the conviction inside of herself to make a consistent change. This morning before I went to work she asked me to throw all of her treats in the garbage, so I did. I just smiled and was supportive. Hopefully, she wants to make some consistent change. It is painful to watch, like a person hitting their head against the wall.

My wife tells me I am way more affectionate to her than her sisters husbands. She also tells me I work harder than any man she knows, support her and am very patient with her. I try. I work hard. So does she. I don`t deny that, but she is ruining her health and her looks at the same time. I am human and have weaknesses about her weight. I also lost 45 pounds myself and the only way I could lose weight was to watch every thing I eat, even on holidays. She can make it hard for me to keep my weight off, but I still have. I am working on the unconditional love skills. Any one whose spouse has an irritating habit knows where I am coming from.

Thanks for the support. I think the conversations have been fruitful for me, hopefully for others too. By "talking" about it, it has been easier to work through it.

Unconditional love means just that.....no conditions. Not I'll love you unconditionally unless you get to a weight I don't like.

I would not want to be married to man who takes to the Internet to talk about how his wife's looks are no longer acceptable to him.

[Storm Rider]

Reads,

 

You were pretty brave to share these thoughts; I suspect I would just keep it to myself and keep taking one step at a time.  Each of us is a weak, imperfect vessel.  The reality is that today's world, particularly in the USA, promotes individuals being fat.  I don't accept nor see the need to sugar coat that term; too many of us are fat and/or grossly obese. 

 

One of the things I enjoy about Europe is that their culture promotes a more healthy approach because they live where they can walk so much more than we do here in the US.  We live spread out and we take our cars everywhere.  In Europe, families get out and walk together often - daily.  If you can do anything I strongly encourage you to promote a lifestyle in your family where each is active.  The objective is to focus on natural activity in the course of the day and encourage all kinds of sports rather than who is and who is not fat. 

This type of lifestyle spills over into eating in a more healthy manner.  This is a process that takes the efforts of a couple; they both need to support the venture and the change in lifestyle.  It is a matter of emphasis rather than a complete change.

 

Focus on what you love about your wife and do things that help you fall in love more deeply with her daily.  Buy flowers, leave notes, date her, go for walks alone; sing in the rain together.  Life is to be enjoyed rather than constantly looking for greener pastures.

[ERayR]

This is going to sound a little harsh but I don't know how to say it any kinder. 

 

So your wife is overweight and it bothers you.  Get over yourself, appreciate what you have.  Enjoy her companionship while you have it.  Oh and put your effort into improving yourself as that is the only one you can really improve.

[readstoomuch]

Thanks for the many suggestions, including the one to get over myself. They were helpful and pretty balanced for the most part.

She is depressed and has been on medication for as long as I have known her. She does act out because of our older kids and their Church issues. Part of our counseling has involved our kids and her family issues. We are seeing the counselor on Wednesday and my wife wants to talk about her weight problems. Her idea, I didn't bring it up.

I love my wife and she is a great lady. I hope that still comes across. Even though there are some great comments, I think my currency is going down on the board.. My handling of this issue has rubbed some people the wrong way, provably rightfully so. It has been a tough couple of years, but they are my problem.

I am not sure much new discussuon is going to change what has already been said. Moderators can you please lock this thread? Thanks.rdstm

Edited March 21, 2015 by readstoomuch

[Stargazer]

As someone who has struggled with weight issue since childhood (and I'm going on 60 now)

 

Diets do NOT work.

It took me until  2 years ago to figure that out. It takes a lifestyle change and a new way of relating to both food and exercise.

You can go on a diet and lose weight and go off the diet and gain back the weight you lost and then some. I've lost probably 1000 lbs in my lifetime and always gained it back - until 2 years ago when I changed my attitude and changed my lifestyle. I'm down 95 pounds now from my highest - still have a bit to go, but I'm not dieting, not obsessing over every calorie.

I'm eating healthier and have almost eliminated a couple of things from what I eat: diet soda -- used to have a 6 pack a day - hey, its zero calories right? well thats the claim -- I may have 2 cans a week now. Bread - went from about a loaf a week, down to a few slices a week, also chips of all kinds, was not unusual for me to eat a family sized bag  of chips in a day or two - not if I open a regular sized bag of chips, they'll go stale before I finish them. What do I eat instead: generally I eat healthy meals higher in protein and lower in carbs but I'm not terribly strict about that, I still have ice cream every day, my treat HOWEVER its an actual 1/2 serving size, roughly fills an egg cup which is what I Diets do not work - lifestyle changes do.

 

I'm in your position.  Or your former position.  Except that I have never ever dieted.  The only time I could been said to have dieted was in Army Basic Training and Advanced Infantry Training.  40 years ago.  I was a bit of a couch potato when I joined up, and trying to run 2 miles would have killed me, not to mention I wouldn't have made it to the first mile.  4 months later I was just 20 pounds lighter, but could run 2 miles in 14 minutes without breaking a sweat in nice weather.  Now?  Shudder.

 

I have actually planned to start doing what you describe you're doing.  I pretty much know what to do and what not to do.  Problem is, I keep procrastinating actually getting started.  I'm a wimp.

[Stargazer]

I am not sure much new discussuon is going to change what has already been said. Moderators can you please lock this thread? Thanks.rdstm

 

the mods might not read this.  But you can lock the thread yourself, since you started it.  See Moderation Tools on the bottom right.

[mtomm]

Thanks for the many suggestions, including the one to get over myself. They were helpful and pretty balanced for the most part.

She is depressed and has been on medication for as long as I have known her. She does act out because of our older kids and their Church issues. Part of our counseling has involved our kids and her family issues. We are seeing the counselor on Wednesday and my wife wants to talk about her weight problems. Her idea, I didn't bring it up.

I love my wife and she is a great lady. I hope that still comes across. Even though there are some great comments, I think my currency is going down on the board.. My handling of this issue has rubbed some people the wrong way, provably rightfully so. It has been a tough couple of years, but they are my problem.

I am not sure much new discussuon is going to change what has already been said. Moderators can you please lock this thread? Thanks.rdstm

And yet expressing this has helped, suppressing it wouldn't have helped anything. You were open to getting help, that was a really good thing.

[Tacenda]

And yet expressing this has helped, suppressing it wouldn't have helped anything. You were open to getting help, that was a really good thing.

I think it was his way of getting some help, and he feels close to many on the board. Sorry I'm talking like you're not there, RTM. I know I feel like people on this board know me better than people that have known me my whole life! And the topics we discuss on here we just don't bring up much outside of here because usually it's too deep or too serious for casual talk, or chit chat. On this board we are a little less inhibited where most of us don't give out our real identity. So I definitely don't see the harm unless his wife does find out, and sometimes feel guilty when I talk about my family or others without them knowing. That's why I had my husband become a member on the board but he rarely gets on, and I do relay our conversations to include him.

[momom]

I would keep only healthy food in the house, say it is too much of a temptation for you. Ask her to go on a nightly walk with you if the weather is nice. After awhile ask if she wants to run a 5k with you, download couch to 5k and get on it. Get treats sometimes, I think making food forbidden gives makes them more than they should be. Go out to get them though, rather than keeping them at home. Make it your thing, and ask her to join in. I think harping on her about health isn't going to do anything. I am sure she is well aware she is at risk for many health issues. GL!

[rodheadlee]

So, I am almost ashamed to be writing here, but I will see how it goes. I love my wife and we have a great marriage. We have four beautiful kids. Even after all the children my wife kept her weight down. She is about 35-40 lbs overweight now. Not because of kids and pregnancy, but because of treats and eating too much. I know she has self esteem issues from it and her blood tests show her at high risk for diabetes and heart disease. I am still attracted to her though not as much as when she was slimmer. We are talking even 5 years ago. She tells me to stay out of it, even when I see her making super poor eating decisions. Interestingly she does exercise a fair amount. Even though she exercises her eating is still out of control. Something snapped when she told me to stay out of her weight issues a few weeks ago. I tried to encourage healthy eating and putting treats aside. I don't see any end to her behavior and I have to stop caring about her as much to stay silent. I have to pass on most of the treats and exercise more to keep my weight down. It seems like my wife is asking me to just accept her and put my feelings aside about her health and how she looks. I am trying to accept her, but I find myself feeling like part of our marriage is slipping away. I pray and try to find guidance, but I don't find my feelings changing yet. Any advice?

I once made fun of my wife about her weight, I regret it to this day. Now she can't keep weight on and is down to 89lbs. Be careful what you ask for. I have eating habits like your wife but my weight is static, I burn it. Just keep her physically active.