My Wife Is Overweight

[rpn]

You could take over the shopping and cooking and make sure there are only healthy things in the house.  You could invite her to walk with you every day.   You could help her get enough sleep (lately I've been seeing a lot of research suggesting that lack of sufficient restful sleep is contributing to diabetes as well as weight gain.

 

But I'm thinking that the weight gain may be secondary to other things.   Make an appointment for an executive physical at at nearby mayo clinic (other hospitals do this, fancy hotel over two days and all the tests --- usually reasonably affordable too, and often mostly covered by insurance).   And after that quit thinking the issue of weight is your problem.   I've known people who ate too much because they wanted to make themselves unattractive because they were thinking of cheating.   I've known people who ate too much because they were so very incredibly stressed that eating right and exercising didn't produce the results they wanted.   I've known people who ate healthy only to learn they got sick anyway, so they said why shouldn't I eat what I want.   I've known people to put on weight because it was a lot of trouble to cut up vegetables and they'd gotten in the habit of adding dip.   

 

Your wife may not even know how or why this is happening.   But it is unlikely she is doing this because of you.   She needs you to seek understanding of her (not about the weight), who she is and what she thinks.    That is the intimacy you think you are losing but aren't if you chose not to.

 

And, please delete your posts on this thread.   Yes, she is likely to find them.   And yes, it will be very hard to get passed them.   Go to counseling with a counselor who can help you and must keep it confidential. 

Edited March 17, 2015 by rpn

[Calm]

Mnn, what was the attitude change that helped you?

[Dgal]

Mnn, what was the attitude change that helped you?

This is a great question. Perhaps Mnn could help by sharing what help changed their attitude. Ultimately, that is where change, most changes, take place. In our attitude. It's then that our behavoir changes.

[Rain]

And then what should happen at the next point. Or is there no next point? Is one just simply supposed to surrender to the sad fact that his beloved wife is going to suffer with diabetes and heart disease, with these afflictions creating suffering, pain, chaos and potential financial hardships in the wake? I ask this question sincerely.

 

The same that happens with any other matter of agency when it concerns adults.  You love them.  You pray for them.  You live as an example.  You let them know what a blessing they are to you.  You realize they know that ______ isn't great for them and let them have their agency.  Easier said than done.  

 

I finally had to come to a realization that I could either damage my relationship with another adult who is close to me by talking to him about something he didn't want to and wasn't ready to talk about or I could make sure he knew that I would always love him. I really began to understand this when John Lund told my stake in a fireside, "Take your frustrations to the Lord and your love to your child." We are talking about a spouse here, not a child, but you could replace "child" with any other adult relationship and have it apply: parent, friend, cousin, and spouse. 

 

Since taking this approach I have found that my relationships have grown stronger.  Sometimes I feel the pain when they don't change despite feeling my love.  Sometimes I feel so much more joy because when they do change they change they are making the connection with the Lord.

[Rain]

As someone who has struggled with weight issue since childhood (and I'm going on 60 now)

 

Diets do NOT work.

It took me until  2 years ago to figure that out. It takes a lifestyle change and a new way of relating to both food and exercise.

You can go on a diet and lose weight and go off the diet and gain back the weight you lost and then some. I've lost probably 1000 lbs in my lifetime and always gained it back - until 2 years ago when I changed my attitude and changed my lifestyle. I'm down 95 pounds now from my highest - still have a bit to go, but I'm not dieting, not obsessing over every calorie.

I'm eating healthier and have almost eliminated a couple of things from what I eat: diet soda -- used to have a 6 pack a day - hey, its zero calories right? well thats the claim -- I may have 2 cans a week now. Bread - went from about a loaf a week, down to a few slices a week, also chips of all kinds, was not unusual for me to eat a family sized bag  of chips in a day or two - not if I open a regular sized bag of chips, they'll go stale before I finish them. What do I eat instead: generally I eat healthy meals higher in protein and lower in carbs but I'm not terribly strict about that, I still have ice cream every day, my treat HOWEVER its an actual 1/2 serving size, roughly fills an egg cup which is what I Diets do not work - lifestyle changes do.

 

I've seen that. For a while I heard a lot about a change of lifestyle, but it seemed that in reality is was just another diet for some people.  It was only those who were able to make the change internally that were able to live the lifestyle.  I think the difference is that those who change their lifestyle to lose weight generally didn't keep at it.  Those who changed something inside of them naturally changed their lifestyle. 

[rongo]

My wife and I have a good friend who used to be very overweight. Her decision to "never again"  be that way was like true conversion; she lost so much weight that she looks like a completely different person than she did eight years ago (in a good way). She is so fanatical about "never again," though, that I worry that she is missing out on some good things in life. She eats what she wants for lunch, but *without exception* only has a nasty shake for breakfast and a nasty shake for dinner. And nothing else, ever. We kid her about her shake (I call it spackle ---- it has natural ingredients, but it's nasty). She loves to cook and bake, and is a *really* good one, but she *never* eats what she makes. We constantly are the beneficiaries of her cooking and baking, because she never eats any of it and her family is really picky.

 

Sometimes, I want to tell her to go ahead and enjoy life a little. She's approaching middle age and has five kids, so it's more than okay if she puts on some weight. But, she's a lot like my uncle, who was a biker and did heroin before a life-changing "Alma the Younger" experience. Once he changed, he became a gospel fanatic (in a good way, not in the way we usually think of the word "fanatic"). He and the boy he was with (they were doing drugs at the time) both had the same overwhelming spiritual experience and decided to go see their bishops. They left late for their missions, and haven't looked back since. It's easy for me to give advice. I've never had to lose weight dramatically and keep it off. Maybe I would be fanatical about it if I had such a fervent "never again" attitude.

[Nofear]

While there is some skepticism to the set-point model, I think there are some very relevant and significant assertions in this talk.

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work

[VideoGameJunkie]

I understand weight problems. I was put on an anti psychotic medication called Zyproxa back in 2013 and it caused me to gain 70 pounds and now I feel embarrassed around girls when I'm wearing a t shirt or not covered up in jackets and layers. Us overweight people need reassurance that we are not evil for what happened to our temples. (bodies)

[MorningStar]

Some people can't just have a "little bit" or they totally lose control.  This is one of those situations where you can't make the person change - you can only work on your own change and hope she will finally get the motivation to do what she needs to do.  So what changed that she became overweight after the kids were born?  Is she having hormonal issues?

[VideoGameJunkie]

Some people have metabolism problems or weight problems run in their family and they can't help being overweight. I have compassion for these people, especially since I used to be skinny.

[readstoomuch]

We try to avoid certain artificial sweeteners. Low sugar, usually means avoiding simple sugars. She has been worked up for thyroid and glandular problems (if you mean hormonal). None were found. Just diet related things like elevated sed rate and high cholesterol-thats what the doctor said.

My wife doesn`t follow MormonDialogue and has told pretty much every one in our ward about our marriage counseling, so I don`t think she can be mad about much I have said here. I also never said divorce. Someone else did. I think the issue of an overweight spouse is pretty common and not usually talked about in the civilized manner we have here. So, I think I will keep it open and I appreciate the input. If nothing else, it has helped to "talk" about it.

[Calm]

I've seen that. For a while I heard a lot about a change of lifestyle, but it seemed that in reality is was just another diet for some people.  It was only those who were able to make the change internally that were able to live the lifestyle.  I think the difference is that those who change their lifestyle to lose weight generally didn't keep at it.  Those who changed something inside of them naturally changed their lifestyle. 

Just read that overweight people tend to have more brain activity when looking at high carb food, but after six months of eating healthier their brains are less active while there was no change in regards to those who did not change their diet.

[Calm]

We try to avoid certain artificial sweeteners. Low sugar, usually means avoiding simple sugars. She has been worked up for thyroid and glandular problems (if you mean hormonal). None were found. Just diet related things like elevated sed rate and high cholesterol-thats what the doctor said.

just an fyi to all...

 

Artificial sweeteners will turn on the insulin (your body think it is getting something sweet/carby but isn't really) but not provide the blood sugar to satisfy it so you end up being hungrier and then eating more.  IIRC using diet soda rather than regular soda added about 5 lbs per year in one study.

[Calm]

I understand weight problems. I was put on an anti psychotic medication called Zyproxa back in 2013 and it caused me to gain 70 pounds and now I feel embarrassed around girls when I'm wearing a t shirt or not covered up in jackets and layers. Us overweight people need reassurance that we are not evil for what happened to our temples. (bodies)

Medication that makes one a compulsive eater is horrible.  I got on one that put on at least 50 lbs in 3 months.  OTOH, others that got on it get turned to compulsive gambling or sexual behaviour so maybe I got off easy.  I remember eating one night where my stomach just hurt so much I was crying but I felt like I was starving at the same time. Eventually the compulsion went away, otherwise I would be probably 500 lbs heavier.  I was hoping it would melt off once I stopped taking the stuff, but it is a real struggle.  Doesn't help that while I am not hungry during the day, as soon as I take my nighttime meds that is when my body thinks it is time to eat.

Edited March 18, 2015 by calmoriah

[diamondintherough]

You've already been told the advice I'd have for you - love her no matter what, do the shopping, cooking, make sure she can get enough restful sleep, etc.

 

It may be helpful to read 'The Gabriel Method' by John Gabriel (check your library).  It's a good book that covers a lot of what I've heard/read.  Know also that 'lack of joy' may be a reason she turns to sweets so encourage her to pursue personal interests or even do little things like get a facial, etc.  Candida overgrowth can also lead to craving sugar so look into that (and be aware that it can be passed between spouses so you would both need to deal with it together).  

[Rain]

just an fyi to all...

Artificial sweeteners will turn on the insulin (your body think it is getting something sweet/carby but isn't really) but not provide the blood sugar to satisfy it so you end up being hungrier and then eating more. IIRC using diet soda rather than regular soda added about 5 lbs per year in one study.

I'm curious about this. That couldn't happen with a type 1 diabetic as we don't produce insulin. I wonder what the results would be if we were part of the study.

[Calm]

True….the doctors don't have any problem with telling my daughter who is type 1 to use artificial sweeteners.  If I remember tomorrow, I will see if I can find anything up to date on this.

 

add-on:  I may be out of date and the theory as to the process involved may have changed (or it may have been less than scholarly stuff I got that from as I was not always as careful in medical stuff preinternet when I had to make do with what I could find on library shelves or on the table at the doctors' office):

 

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/96849.php

 

The authors suggest that a sweet taste may cause animals to anticipate the calorie content of food, and eating artificial sweeteners with little or no calories undermines this connection, leading to energy imbalance by increasing food intake or reducing energy expenditure.

 

 

From just a few things I read it doesn't appear that artificial sweeteners have any effect on insulin, the weight gain is caused by other factors.

Edited March 18, 2015 by calmoriah

[Nofear]

just an fyi to all...

 

Artificial sweeteners will turn on the insulin (your body think it is getting something sweet/carby but isn't really) but not provide the blood sugar to satisfy it so you end up being hungrier and then eating more.  IIRC using diet soda rather than regular soda added about 5 lbs per year in one study.

 

That was my understanding for awhile and then my (now deceased) older brother challenged that. So I looked into it more. It is far from clear cut that the insulin spike occurs for most sweeteners and is fairly well dismissed for aspartame.

 

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/artificial-sweeteners-insulin/

 

 

EDIT: Oops, seems calmoriah already posted this idea.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Nofear

[Garden Girl]

That was my understanding for awhile and then my (now deceased) older brother challenged that. So I looked into it more. It is far from clear cut that the insulin spike occurs for most sweeteners and is fairly well dismissed for aspartame.

 

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/artificial-sweeteners-insulin/

 

 

EDIT: Oops, seems calmoriah already posted this idea.

 

Aspartame is the worst of the artificial sweeteners... Splenda was better, but just read a couple of things about it that weren't good... so far it seems that Stevia is the best and safest.

 

GG

[Nofear]

One thing I didn't know about the difference between soda fountain diet and can diet. Soda fountains use more saccharine but cans more aspartame. The pressure of the cans doesn't allow the saccharine to survive to long without denaturing it.

[Calm]

That was my understanding for awhile and then my (now deceased) older brother challenged that. So I looked into it more. It is far from clear cut that the insulin spike occurs for most sweeteners and is fairly well dismissed for aspartame.

 

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/artificial-sweeteners-insulin/

 

 

EDIT: Oops, seems calmoriah already posted this idea.

Your reference was better.

[MorningStar]

OK, this article popped up on my newsfeed yesterday and it made me laugh.  Who can guess why?

 

http://www.familyshare.com/marriage/how-to-tell-your-wife-she-needs-to-lose-weight

[readstoomuch]

That was funny to run across that. Isn't that a guy that was in a screen version of Saturday's Warrior as Jimmy?

[MorningStar]

I don't know, but I read the whole thing, get to the bottom, and see that the author is overweight.

[churchistrue]

So, I am almost ashamed to be writing here, but I will see how it goes. I love my wife and we have a great marriage. We have four beautiful kids. Even after all the children my wife kept her weight down. She is about 35-40 lbs overweight now. Not because of kids and pregnancy, but because of treats and eating too much. I know she has self esteem issues from it and her blood tests show her at high risk for diabetes and heart disease. I am still attracted to her though not as much as when she was slimmer. We are talking even 5 years ago. She tells me to stay out of it, even when I see her making super poor eating decisions. Interestingly she does exercise a fair amount. Even though she exercises her eating is still out of control. Something snapped when she told me to stay out of her weight issues a few weeks ago. I tried to encourage healthy eating and putting treats aside. I don't see any end to her behavior and I have to stop caring about her as much to stay silent. I have to pass on most of the treats and exercise more to keep my weight down. It seems like my wife is asking me to just accept her and put my feelings aside about her health and how she looks. I am trying to accept her, but I find myself feeling like part of our marriage is slipping away. I pray and try to find guidance, but I don't find my feelings changing yet. Any advice?

You have to completely disconnect from this.  She knows what you want.  There's no danger in her not understanding that you like her better skinnier.  She knows it.  So drop it.  Her motivation needs to come from within.  Anything you do to "help" her is going to make it worse.  You need to try really hard to love her unconditionally and even convince yourself to be sexually attracted to her at a heavier weight.  That will be a real blessing for her.  And probably give her a little bit of motivation to work on it herself.