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My Wife Is Overweight


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It would depend a lot imo on whether or not his actions allowed for her to do the same or interfered…was he off at the gym leaving her to deal with the kids and housestuff more, cutting into her time to be able to exercise or do other stuff that she was interested in.

 

Did not I say that he treated her only with kindness. Why all this additional "stuff" extraneous to my question? 

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I have several friends who are heavier, but their husbands can eat anything they want (and do), yet they think they can tell their wives they've had enough ice cream, cookies, etc.  I'm assuming you're not doing that.  RIGHT?  :D  No matter your physical condition, you should suffer along with her.  Cook some healthy meals for her.  Slice up some fruit to eat for youself and ask her if she wants some.

 

My husband is weird.  I'm overweight and if I tell him I want a little bit of ice cream, he brings me four scoops.  He is also overweight and says he doesn't want to lose weight.  He just wants it to go away!  :lol:  I lost 50 pounds last year, but he didn't want to join me in my low sugar diet.  I want both of us to be healthier and I can't stand it that my back is injured from my car accident because it means he shops more, which means there's a lot more junk in the house - Oreos, Kool-Aid, Nestle Quik, etc. 

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I would think he's having an affair!  :lol:

 

(That's at TeddyAware.  Quote button doesn't work for me.)

Edited by MorningStar
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A question aimed mostly at the board's women: If a guy in readstoomuch's situation were to embark on a lifelong program of super healthy eating and rigorous exercise, and if by this new lifestyle he was able to succeed in getting into extremely buff physical condition, if the gentleman never again breathed a word to his wife about her overweight condition and continued to treat her only with kindness, what might the husband's new lifestyle and athletic physique have on his wife's attitude and state of mind? 

 

Some women would probably join him. Some women would probably stay home and scrapbook. 

 

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Did not I say that he treated her only with kindness. Why all this additional "stuff" extraneous to my question? 

One can be kind and unaware.  I know a lot of men and women like that.

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Did not I say that he treated her only with kindness. Why all this additional "stuff" extraneous to my question?

You call it extraneous, we call it part of the equation. Our brains literally don't work the same way. We have to take into account the whole equation.

You may not have realized, but her answer was taking account of "only with kindness". A man can be kind, but still not understand some of the needs of his wife.

I'll answer your first question later, but right now I'm trying to talk myself into getting into the cold pool.

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Love her and yes, accept her, unconditionally. Love her in the sacrifical way that God said we must love one another. She is your wife.

She is sensing that your acceptance of her is conditional.

This.  Maybe without you having so much say..she would/could really surprise you.  It is something she has to do herself..FOR herself.  When I had a few pounds on after my children were born..my husband would just hug me when I felt bad about my weight...and say"All the more to love...fat people are jolly!"  It made things so much easier if I felt beautiful anyway.

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One of my friends was overweight when her husband met and married her.  After they were married, he started getting on her case about losing weight, so she joined a gym.  She worked a full time job and went to school.  During finals week, he was sulking one day and she didn't know what his problem was.  He said, "I guess you're not going to the gym today, huh?"  WHAT?!  She lost 50 pounds even though what he was doing could have backfired.  She got no praise.  She made a comment about the weight she had lost and he said, "You could still stand to lost another 20 pounds."  GRRRRRR!!!!!  She lost all the weight he wanted, but my friend who used to feel good about herself now felt bad.  Meanwhile, there had been guys who would have died to be with someone as sweet as her.  She's seriously the nicest person you'll ever meet! 

Then when their son was born, he didn't want to watch the baby while she went to the gym.  He said, "Can't you just go at 5am like other moms do?"  He wanted her to go while the baby was asleep.  It was all I could do not to smack him!

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You call it extraneous, we call it part of the equation. Our brains literally don't work the same way. We have to take into account the whole equation.

You may not have realized, but her answer was taking account of "only with kindness". A man can be kind, but still not understand some of the needs of his wife.

I'll answer your first question later, but right now I'm trying to talk myself into getting into the cold pool.

 

My intent was it be understood the husband is a truly christlike man in a fully aware, fully sympathetic and fully empathetic kind of way. Now you may answer the question if you so desire.

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A question aimed mostly at the board's women: If a guy in readstoomuch's situation were to embark on a lifelong program of super healthy eating and rigorous exercise, and if by this new lifestyle he was able to succeed in getting into extremely buff physical condition, if the gentleman never again breathed a word to his wife about her overweight condition and continued to treat her only with kindness, what might the husband's new lifestyle and athletic physique have on his wife's attitude and state of mind?

With your clarification then what you CAN COUNT ON is when she us ready she will turn to him for support and partnership in getting healthy.

I do not mean "when she is ready" as justification to not do something. There are just reasons why a woman wouldn't be ready at a drop of a hat to lose weight even if Christ were her husband. Every single one of us is not ready to do something all through our lives. If that wasn't the case we would all be translated. For some it may be the season of life. Some an emotional or physical block. Some are already exhausted. For me, I am so deeply discouraged with trying and failing so many times that I have almost lost all faith of ever being able to overcome it. Right now I am hanging on Elder Christopherson's quote that Christ knows how to win the battle and I'm trying to gain the courage of trying once again.

But it so helps to know that DH is standing beside me, holding my hand, cheering me. It is taking everything I have to want to work on this. I'm deeply grateful he is there for me come what may.

Edited by Rain
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One of my friends was overweight when her husband met and married her.  After they were married, he started getting on her case about losing weight, so she joined a gym.  She worked a full time job and went to school.  During finals week, he was sulking one day and she didn't know what his problem was.  He said, "I guess you're not going to the gym today, huh?"  WHAT?!  She lost 50 pounds even though what he was doing could have backfired.  She got no praise.  She made a comment about the weight she had lost and he said, "You could still stand to lost another 20 pounds."  GRRRRRR!!!!!  She lost all the weight he wanted, but my friend who used to feel good about herself now felt bad.  Meanwhile, there had been guys who would have died to be with someone as sweet as her.  She's seriously the nicest person you'll ever meet! 

Then when their son was born, he didn't want to watch the baby while she went to the gym.  He said, "Can't you just go at 5am like other moms do?"  He wanted her to go while the baby was asleep.  It was all I could do not to smack him!

 

I am pretty sure that if she punches him in the face that no jury in the land would convict her.

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It took me awhile to get back to you. I had a long 12 hour day at work, with not a moment to even answer my emails, let alone get on a discussion board. My wife stays at home, by a mutual decision with both of us involved. She is always home when our kids leave and come home for school. Is she is overly stressed, it is usually because she takes on too many activities at school, church or home.

Her family was superweird about food growing up. Treats were a big deal and food was the answer for every thing. Two siblings have had gastric bypass surgery. She was never teeny tiny and is tall. Despite her families problem she has done well until the last five years. My wife has asked me to help her and I always try to do my best. I don`t make it harder to workout or eat right. I have kept my weight the same and I work pretty hard at it. I lost 45 lbs myself, about half after we were married.

We go on dates, I hold her hand, I kiss a bunch, she gets compliments, we go to church together. She`s the only girl for me and I love her. I also have to watch her sort of self-destruct in front of my eyes. Here is what happened this year on New Years Day. She tells me she wants to avoid sugar and to please help her. I tell her about that being a dangerous job for me. This time she wants to help her to avoid treats, but not say negative things to her. She did well for about a month and I don`t think any one was really hurt in our family by not eating sugar. Then she went to a relief society cooking night where every one brought desserts and she really went off the wagon. Things have really gone downhill and I think she has gained another 5 pounds in the last month. After not saying any thing for about a month, I finally said something. I try to emphasize health to her and it is that for the most part. Now, it really is effecting her appearance. I`m a guy. I`d like to say it doesn`t matter or shouldn`t matter, but it does. I liked her better as far as her looks before. I didn`t say that I don`t love her. I just see a woman`s whose mom has diabetes and seems to be going in that direction.

So she tells me not to say anything and the only way I seem to be able to do that is to stop caring about her health or looks. She has been to counseling both alone and together. I am trying to work with her, but it is depressing.

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At this point, this is where you need to be. Not to say anything. She already know she has an issue. You do not need to keep reminding it of her.

You are at a point in your marriage where you must begin to willfully exercise unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of her health or her looks.

 

People think true unconditional love is easy when it comes to those they do love. Until they are faced with something they don't like. Like weight gain, or some other vice.

Sacrifice your need for your wife to look a certain way, or even have a certain healthy level. Just LOVE her, with zero string attached. Zero.

So she tells me not to say anything and the only way I seem to be able to do that is to stop caring about her health or looks. She has been to counseling both alone and together. I am trying to work with her, but it is depressing.

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At this point, this is where you need to be. Not to say anything. She already know she has an issue. You do not need to keep reminding it of her.

You are at a point in your marriage where you must begin to willfully exercise unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of her health or her looks.

 

People think true unconditional love is easy when it comes to those they do love. Until they are faced with something they don't like. Like weight gain, or some other vice.

Sacrifice your need for your wife to look a certain way, or even have a certain healthy level. Just LOVE her, with zero string attached. Zero.

 

And then what should happen at the next point. Or is there no next point? Is one just simply supposed to surrender to the sad fact that his beloved wife is going to suffer with diabetes and heart disease, with these afflictions creating suffering, pain, chaos and potential financial hardships in the wake? I ask this question sincerely.

Edited by teddyaware
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And then what should happen at the next point. Or is there no next point? Is one just simply supposed to surrender to the sad fact that his beloved wife is going to suffer with diabetes and heart disease, with these afflictions creating suffering, pain, chaos and potential financial hardships in the wake? I ask this question sincerely.

 

I understand what you're saying about the next point...

There's a woman in my ward who is obese... like at least 350 lbs... married to a very nice looking slim husband... they are in their mid-60's.  She rides one of those 3-wheel motorized chairs... I often wonder about her.  She wasn't always that way.  There must  have been a time when she was younger when she was probably overweight yes, but nothing like she is now... I wonder what led her to become the way she is... to not stop herself along the way... she's missing out on life... he always seems very patient with her when he helps her in the car, etc.  When he bears his testimony he always says he loves his wife. 

I know this isn't the same as rtm's situation, but some time ago it must have been... I can remember when I first started attending she was quite big, but she walked on her own, etc.  And she just got bigger, and then finally she got the chair. 

I go out of my way to speak to her and ask how she is, etc.  I think she has totally given up...  

 

GG

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I have received many thoughtful responses and they are from people who have earned my respect. Thank you. There is much more thinking to do.

As far as heart disease, diabetes and other medical conditions-she keeps putting off dealing with them. She doesn`t have them yet, so I guess she will deal with them when they come. Since I can`t say anything, I try to support where I can. I walk with her and say no to most of the treats she succombs to. Her mom can`t walk and they won`t operate on her knees until she loses 40-50 lbs. She goes around with a walker or a scooter and she is almost on dialysis. It is very confusing, frustrating and overwhelming to watch your wife do the same thing. She has said a thousand times that she doesn`t want to end up that way. She asks for my help and talks about her families problems, but she just keeps eating and I just sit there and say nothing. I try to do the things the counselor suggested to us.

Try doing those things when you aren`t supposed to care what your partner does and accept them unconditionally.

I think this is like most things in life that you don`t like. You have to learn how to just deal with it.

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Addictions are awful. The best advice I can give from beating one of my own is that the pleasure of the addiction is artificial. The best counter is genuine pleasure/happiness. The best antidote you can give her is to foster the things that bring her joy. Whether that is taking up an old hobby, taking walks, going somewhere she enjoys, or whatever. Denying yourself pleasure/relief is easier if you want something else more.

Bonus: Trying to foster that does not involve bringing up weight.

I only know one couple that brought up weight in a relationship and she brought it up to him in the context of it was making both of them less happy. It worked for them. No idea if that is helpful or not. I am not sure I agree with those suggesting never to bring it up. Shame thrives on loneliness and isolation.

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And then what should happen at the next point. Or is there no next point? Is one just simply supposed to surrender to the sad fact that his beloved wife is going to suffer with diabetes and heart disease, with these afflictions creating suffering, pain, chaos and potential financial hardships in the wake? I ask this question sincerely.

 

You do ask a great question. What should happen at the next point, or the next point, if nothing changes? What, if in her excersing her free agency, she chooses to do nothing? What are his options? Divorce? What will he do, if she chooses to do nothing?

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You do ask a great question. What should happen at the next point, or the next point, if nothing changes? What, if in her excersing her free agency, she chooses to do nothing? What are his options? Divorce? What will he do, if she chooses to do nothing?

 

He will live a life where some of the savor will be lost...  He loves his wife, and I doubt rtm would break up his family over this, but it will always be "there" unless she chooses differently...

 

GG

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You do ask a great question. What should happen at the next point, or the next point, if nothing changes? What, if in her excersing her free agency, she chooses to do nothing? What are his options? Divorce? What will he do, if she chooses to do nothing?

That is the big question isn`t it. I made it obvious that we went to counseling. It wasn`t about her weight and I don`t think it ever came up when we were going. We were trying to make our relationship better and deal with a large amount of baggage she carries from her family. A family that was always active and taught her the gospel. They had strange ways at looking at a number of things, including food. So, I don`t want to divorce her. I don`t want to put my kids through that. Even though three couples in our ward have divorced in the last six months.

I found some sugar free food that I haven`t seen for awhile and my wife is going to the temple after going for a walk with her friends. She usually receives some kind of message when she goes, so maybe she will gain some insight. No treats this morning. These could be signs of wanting to change.

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I found some sugar free food that I haven`t seen for awhile and my wife is going to the temple after going for a walk with her friends. She usually receives some kind of message when she goes, so maybe she will gain some insight. No treats this morning. These could be signs of wanting to change.

 

Good Morning, rtm...

 

You do realize that one must be careful and research "sugar free"... For instance, Aspartame is an ingredient that is used in place of sugar in many sugar free foods, diet drinks, etc... and it can wreak havoc healthwise... it's not good... "Splenda" is better, but just recently I've read some negative articles about it... Stevia is best as of current knowledge...   And High Fructose Corn Syrup is really bad... one has to read labels carefully... sometimes the sugar substitute is worse than the sugar.  Educating oneself is important...

 

GG

Edited by Garden Girl
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That is the big question isn`t it. I made it obvious that we went to counseling. It wasn`t about her weight and I don`t think it ever came up when we were going. We were trying to make our relationship better and deal with a large amount of baggage she carries from her family. A family that was always active and taught her the gospel. They had strange ways at looking at a number of things, including food. So, I don`t want to divorce her. I don`t want to put my kids through that. Even though three couples in our ward have divorced in the last six months.

I found some sugar free food that I haven`t seen for awhile and my wife is going to the temple after going for a walk with her friends. She usually receives some kind of message when she goes, so maybe she will gain some insight. No treats this morning. These could be signs of wanting to change.

A couple of things...if her weight issues haven't come up in counselling, she should go and see if talking about it specifically can help.

Perhaps a program like weight watchers would be helpful where she is getting feedback and support from others that won't have the baggage that is attached to it that family has.

And three, now that divorce has been mentioned as well as some less generic details, I suggest you ask the mods to delete the thread. You have shared enough personal information here and elsewhere that if a friend or your wife finds the thread they could guess it was you. Even if she already knows everything, it may still hurt deeply that you are sharing it in public even if you are looking for help. And if you haven't talked about divorce to find that you are even considering as a possibility could be traumatising.

Just discovering this thread could put her into a "why bother" place.

If you need to talk about it to help work through stuff yourself, I suggest strongly you take it to PMing with those you've found helpful in this thread. Not saying seeking help here is a bad thing, you just don't want to risk hurting where it isn't necessary.

Edited by calmoriah
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As someone who has struggled with weight issue since childhood (and I'm going on 60 now)

 

Diets do NOT work.

It took me until  2 years ago to figure that out. It takes a lifestyle change and a new way of relating to both food and exercise.

You can go on a diet and lose weight and go off the diet and gain back the weight you lost and then some. I've lost probably 1000 lbs in my lifetime and always gained it back - until 2 years ago when I changed my attitude and changed my lifestyle. I'm down 95 pounds now from my highest - still have a bit to go, but I'm not dieting, not obsessing over every calorie.

I'm eating healthier and have almost eliminated a couple of things from what I eat: diet soda -- used to have a 6 pack a day - hey, its zero calories right? well thats the claim -- I may have 2 cans a week now. Bread - went from about a loaf a week, down to a few slices a week, also chips of all kinds, was not unusual for me to eat a family sized bag  of chips in a day or two - not if I open a regular sized bag of chips, they'll go stale before I finish them. What do I eat instead: generally I eat healthy meals higher in protein and lower in carbs but I'm not terribly strict about that, I still have ice cream every day, my treat HOWEVER its an actual 1/2 serving size, roughly fills an egg cup which is what I Diets do not work - lifestyle changes do.

Edited by mnn727
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