Mormons Disowning Family? Is This Common?

[EllenMaksoud]

So we had a sister missionary go home early and earlier and her family disowned her apparently and now she has to live with her biological Mum whom she has never met. It is so beyond nutty to me to hear about this happening. I have never heard of anyone in the Church disowning family before, I know families that are estranged and stuff but is this common elsewhere? how can this happen? I am wondering too if the parents of this sister qualify for a recommend even?

That Mormons could disown each other is so shocking. I have heard of nothing like this, at least at ward level. Of course we are just people, even non Mormons. It has been 10 years for me. Ah well, we pick up what we can because it is Heavenly Father who we seek to please.

 

http://mytwistedwall.blogspot.com/

[LoudmouthMormon]

"Driving a wedge between family members" is not part of the gospel of Jesus Christ, nor part of any doctrine or policy of the church.  I'm having a really hard time visualizing a bishop saying something like "Well, maybe you should force your kid to go on a mission, and then threaten to disown her if she comes home early."  I mean, I can hear it coming quite clearly from certain forums and websites, but not from, like, a real bishop.

[Buzzard]

As you acknowledge, that's a very small sample size, and combined with speculation. 

I note that in the articles you cited, there were no examples of kids being ejected into the streets. I think most homeless Gay or Bisexual youth self-eject. Even the activists in the articles as much as said so, even as they blame the parents for not being "accepting" of their offspring's behavior.

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

So we had a sister missionary go home early and earlier and her family disowned her apparently and now she has to live with her biological Mum whom she has never met. It is so beyond nutty to me to hear about this happening. I have never heard of anyone in the Church disowning family before, I know families that are estranged and stuff but is this common elsewhere? how can this happen? I am wondering too if the parents of this sister qualify for a recommend even?

Sadly,Mathis happens in all faiths, when a child does not do what the parents think they should...it has not nor ever will happen in a home that is centered in Christ and forgiveness, no matter the denomination. Any parent who cannot extend Grace to their own child, will never have it extended to by God. All of my children are adults now, but nothing they could do would have me disown them...sure they have done things that hurt from time to time, but they mine even more so when it happens. For when their actions seem to create distance, I only want to be closer...just the way our Father in Heaven feels I would think.

[Gray]

I note that in the articles you cited, there were no examples of kids being ejected into the streets. I think most homeless Gay or Bisexual youth self-eject. Even the activists in the articles as much as said so, even as they blame the parents for not being "accepting" of their offspring's behavior.

 

From the first link:

 

 

 

almost 70% of those report being rejected by their families, often with them being kicked out of their homes.

[Ahab]

My thoughts are: Are you sure you're hearing the whole story?

And no i don't think it's common at all for mormon parents to disown their children, but i'm sure it happens.

Who knows, maybe the parents were being charitable and were giving the daughter back to her real (biological) Mother. Mother's Day is just around the corner, you know.

[california boy]

What I get from my Mormon family is that some members of the family are "uncomfortable" with me being gay, and those with children at home don't want me around because they are afraid I will influence their children to making bad choices.  I have talked to my father about this issue.  His stance is that as long as just one member of the family is uncomfortable with me being invited to family events, then he has to respect their wishes.  

 

I think this is common thinking for some Mormons.  The older child gets kicked out for being gay, because they don't want the other children thinking that is acceptable.  If the family appears to accept the gay uncle, then they are sending the message to their children that it is ok to be gay.  To them, it sounds like the "right" thing to do.  

 

If you were in my position, what would you do?  

[Duncan]

What I get from my Mormon family is that some members of the family are "uncomfortable" with me being gay, and those with children at home don't want me around because they are afraid I will influence their children to making bad choices.  I have talked to my father about this issue.  His stance is that as long as just one member of the family is uncomfortable with me being invited to family events, then he has to respect their wishes.  

 

I think this is common thinking for some Mormons.  The older child gets kicked out for being gay, because they don't want the other children thinking that is acceptable.  If the family appears to accept the gay uncle, then they are sending the message to their children that it is ok to be gay.  To them, it sounds like the "right" thing to do.  

 

If you were in my position, what would you do?  

 

 

We have an Aunt Agony, to her the universe revolves around herself and we must bow in her presence. She doesn't live here, thank goodness. She only comes to town once a year and that is plenty. Anyways she is welcome to come but what she does is keeps involved individually with each of us, we don't like it but murder is frowned upon. So, provided you aren't a gi-normous drama king then talk to people individually.Hope that helps!

Edited April 30, 2014 by Duncan

[Pahoran]

From the first link:

"almost 70% of those report being rejected by their families, often with them being kicked out of their homes."

Okay, so what does "rejected" mean? Does it mean "No, you can't bring this week's boyfriend home and sleep with him?" Of course "gay" activists will narrate that as "rejection," but is that what it really is?

And how often is "often," and how permanently is "kicked out?"

Regards,

Pahoran

Edited April 30, 2014 by Pahoran

[pogi]

If you were in my position, what would you do?  

 

I would be hurt and saddened.

 

I would probably go to their bishop or stake president and ask them to speak with them and set them straight.  It is the whole teaching of "love the sinner and not the sin."  It would not be hard to teach their children that we love and accept california boy, but we don't condone his life-style.

Edited April 30, 2014 by pogi

[Bill “Papa” Lee]

What I get from my Mormon family is that some members of the family are "uncomfortable" with me being gay, and those with children at home don't want me around because they are afraid I will influence their children to making bad choices.  I have talked to my father about this issue.  His stance is that as long as just one member of the family is uncomfortable with me being invited to family events, then he has to respect their wishes.  

 

I think this is common thinking for some Mormons.  The older child gets kicked out for being gay, because they don't want the other children thinking that is acceptable.  If the family appears to accept the gay uncle, then they are sending the message to their children that it is ok to be gay.  To them, it sounds like the "right" thing to do.  

 

If you were in my position, what would you do?

This is common thinking among all who find things uncomfortable, this is a Mormon thing. I am sorry you have to deal with this, my advice to your father would be, if it his home it is his decision. I guess I just an odd guy, I love my gay child, more than life itself. I am just wondering how this type of bad behavior has become a Mormon issue?

[Rain]

"almost 70% of those report being rejected by their families, often with them being kicked out of their homes."

 

 

My brother is an addict, alcoholic and most of the time homeless.  He was in his late teens when he was homeless for the first time.  He would tell you that he was kicked out.  My dad and brother were having an argument.  Brother said he is leaving the house.  Dad said, "if that's what you feel you have to do" while thinking that my brother would be gone a few hours and come back.  My brother didn't come back for years.  My sister also felt that way at one time, but she was awfully young when my brother left and now spending some more time as an adult with my parents she may have been softened on the idea.  

 

So while I do think that some teens get kicked out for various reasons, I freely admit that I am biased, but feel there is almost always a LOT more to the story than the teen was kicked out for whatever reason.

[Storm Rider]

I fail to comprehend how this is a Mormon issue or that Mormons act differently than other humans. No where does the Church teach or encourage these types of social behaviors; quite the opposite.

 

When did we jump from expecting perfection of leaders to expecting perfection from each and every member?  Did I miss something or was there an announcement in Church where all members and leaders were declared perfect and free from the frailties and weaknesses of humanity? 

Edited May 1, 2014 by Storm Rider

[california boy]

We have an Aunt Agony, to her the universe revolves around herself and we must bow in her presence. She doesn't live here, thank goodness. She only comes to town once a year and that is plenty. Anyways she is welcome to come but what she does is keeps involved individually with each of us, we don't like it but murder is frowned upon. So, provided you aren't a gi-normous drama king then talk to people individually.Hope that helps!

Thanks for your advice.  This is actually what I have been doing for the past 15 years.  And things are slowly changing.  Not everyone in the family feels the same about this issue.  I have one sister that has been very supportive from the very beginning.  She went through a divorce many years ago.  When I came out, she told me that our father was very hard on her and blamed her for not staying in a very bad marriage.  The rest of the family was more than happy to get rid of the guy.  I think she understood more than anyone what that kind of rejection can feel like.  I honestly thought that I would never be able to talk to my father again.  We used to joke that I guess being gay trumpts being divorced.  Now she is no longer the black sheep of the family.  Slowly he has responded to me reaching out.  I would say at this point he is at least resigned to the fact that I am gay.  

 

This winter, my one sister put out word that she was meeting me for lunch and invited every other family member to join her.  She, my dad and one other sister showed up.  Several others said they wanted to come but couldn't because of prior commitments.  So slowly things are changing.  

 

I don't relate this to get sympathy from anyone.  I have learned to deal with the situation the best I can.  My reason for posting is to help others understand that not all Mormons know how to respond to these kinds of situations.  For some, the course of how to handle these kinds of things is a bit unclear for them.  I don't really blame them.  Actually, I am quite sympathetic.  After all, it took me a very long time to deal with being gay myself.  I don't really expect them to understand what it is like easily.  I can't control how they feel about me being gay, but I can control how I react to their feelings.  It is actually a great lesson for me about being more accepting and less judgmental.  I hope I am a better person because of it.

[thesometimesaint]

What I get from my Mormon family is that some members of the family are "uncomfortable" with me being gay, and those with children at home don't want me around because they are afraid I will influence their children to making bad choices.  I have talked to my father about this issue.  His stance is that as long as just one member of the family is uncomfortable with me being invited to family events, then he has to respect their wishes.  

 

I think this is common thinking for some Mormons.  The older child gets kicked out for being gay, because they don't want the other children thinking that is acceptable.  If the family appears to accept the gay uncle, then they are sending the message to their children that it is ok to be gay.  To them, it sounds like the "right" thing to do.  

 

If you were in my position, what would you do?  

 

I am so sorry for how your family treats you. I can't guarantee you will be accepted by them. I can't tell you what to do other than to respect their wishes, and continue to love them. Always do the right thing by them. In the end it is more about them and less about you.

 

Raising three sons was hard for me and my wife at times. All very independent minded, wanting to do it themselves types from birth. They are all grown now and have children of their own. I have wanted to kick them in their butts from time to time, but disowning them was never an option.

[california boy]

I fail to comprehend how this is a Mormon issue or that Mormons act differently than other humans. No where does the Church teach or encourage these types of social behaviors; quite the opposite.

 

When did we jump from expecting perfection of leaders to expecting perfection from each and every member?  Did I miss something or was there an announcement in Church where all members and leaders were declared perfect and free from the frailties and weaknesses of humanity? 

 

I don't think that anyone is saying this is only a Mormon issue.  I think the disappointment comes from the expectation of studying the gospel and the life of the Savior every Sunday for 3 hours and countless other gospel teachings, that Mormons would understand a little better what Christ expects of all of us.  For a long time, I honestly wondered why my family spent so much time in church listening to lessons, but had such a hard time actually implimenting those teachings.  But yeah, we are all still humans and fall short of the charity that Christ teaches.  There are many lessons that I too have failed to impliment.  This life is a journey for both those that are gay and the families of those gay children.  I have asked God over and over again, why I have this attraction.  Maybe the reason is for me and my family to learn to be more Christ-like.  It is all part of the perfection process.  Is it worth going through life being gay if one learns kindness and charity towards others?  

[Gray]

I fail to comprehend how this is a Mormon issue or that Mormons act differently than other humans. No where does the Church teach or encourage these types of social behaviors; quite the opposite.

 

When did we jump from expecting perfection of leaders to expecting perfection from each and every member?  Did I miss something or was there an announcement in Church where all members and leaders were declared perfect and free from the frailties and weaknesses of humanity? 

 

I don't think it's unique to Mormons and I don't think it's that prevalent. But it does happen and should be condemned, just as we condemn child abuse or absentee parenting or any other vice

[Gray]

Okay, so what does "rejected" mean? Does it mean "No, you can't bring this week's boyfriend home and sleep with him?" Of course "gay" activists will narrate that as "rejection," but is that what it really is?

And how often is "often," and how permanently is "kicked out?"

Regards,

Pahoran

 

 

I don't know - some more data would be helpful. 

[saemo]

At least according to the Gay activists. Of the few (small sample size, I know) LDS teens I know who decided they were gay and told their families, none were disowned or turned out on the streets, though I can't say that their faithful parents were delighted. 

If I may be so bold as to postulate, perhaps their families unwillingness to approve hook, line, and sinker of their lifestyle was interpreted by the son or daughter as the moral equivalent of rendering them homeless when they couldn't hack the home that was still offered, but perhaps with the caveat that their new companions were not welcome to spend the night. Such oppression.

The one instance I know of in my family, is a case of the oldest sibling being gay, and the parents not wanting her around the younger kids, influencing them with ideas that they should accept homosexuality as normal...that's the parent's "reasoning" any way. Add to that, her tattoos and hostility towards all things Mormonism, and she was o.u.t.

[Pahoran]

I don't think that anyone is saying this is only a Mormon issue.  I think the disappointment comes from the expectation of studying the gospel and the life of the Savior every Sunday for 3 hours and countless other gospel teachings, that Mormons would understand a little better what Christ expects of all of us.

Such as "Go thy way and sin no more?"

Regards,

Pahoran

[ERayR]

The one instance I know of in my family, is a case of the oldest sibling being gay, and the parents not wanting her around the younger kids, influencing them with ideas that they should accept homosexuality as normal...that's the parent's "reasoning" any way. Add to that, her tattoos and hostility towards all things Mormonism, and she was o.u.t.

 

Sounds to me like it might have been the only thing they thought was possible to keep turmoil from affecting the younger kids and out of their home.  Not judging right or wrong but can see a possible reason.

[saemo]

Sounds to me like it might have been the only thing they thought was possible to keep turmoil from affecting the younger kids and out of their home.  Not judging right or wrong but can see a possible reason.

My experience is, when a Mormon youth rebels, they REBEL. My daughter had such a friend in high school, and I advised her to be her friend, but not join in her rebellion. That girl did everything exactly opposite as Mormonism would teach her, just to show she didn't have to listen. Her parents fed the rebellion beast by reacting very badly, and making a big deal about the smallest of the smallest infractions.

 

This is the same circumstance of my young family member. I think she was trying out everything possible that she had ever been taught was wrong, just because she could, and my family reacted very dramatically. Drama for drama, in a never-ending circle.

[LoudmouthMormon]

What I get from my Mormon family is that some members of the family are "uncomfortable" with me being gay, and those with children at home don't want me around because they are afraid I will influence their children to making bad choices.  I have talked to my father about this issue.  His stance is that as long as just one member of the family is uncomfortable with me being invited to family events, then he has to respect their wishes.  

 

If you were in my position, what would you do?  

Wow.   Caliboy, if you're ever in town, you're welcome to stop by for dinner.   You can swap stories about being the black sheep with my wife, who refused to keep quiet about the incest in her family.

 

The most soberingly difficult thing to acknowledge here, is you can love people, you can honor them, but you can't always change them.  You can hold hope for your dad, but it's a possibility that he will continue choosing to value how others view him, more than he values you.  I'm sorry.  

 

Small consolidation - but this isn't really a uniquely mormon thing.  Families have been ostracizing black sheep since there have been families.  Sexual orientation, religion, political beliefs, appearance, being the wrong gender, marrying the wrong race, you name it.  My church does everything it can to educate and urge and counsel and otherwise cram love into it's members, but it can't force.

[Tacenda]

"Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"

 

Could this temple question support shunning? 

[Duncan]

"Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"

 

Could this temple question support shunning? 

 

 

that and that other one about discord among family or something