Gender Gap Widens In The Church

[Acris Venator]

Keeping them in Single's Wards has its own set of massive problems. When I was executive secretary in a Single's Ward there were a few 29-30 year olds we wanted gone as soon as possible. Not most of them but there were a few.

I agree that protecting the 18-year-old girls from predatory 30-somethings is imperative. But the current barrier also separates righteous 30-somethings from the 25-30 crowd. That's a ton of potential marriages down the crapper any way you slice it. The stigma created is just icing on the cake.

[Nominee]

That was just... epic!

Thanks for the thumbs up, TAO! Your positive response really means a lot and makes me feel great. And Patty, thanks & yw. I hope my words are encouraging and bring remembrance.

[mbh26]

Another possible solution might be to marry when you're younger when the gender gap isn't so wide.

[The Nehor]

I agree that protecting the 18-year-old girls from predatory 30-somethings is imperative. But the current barrier also separates righteous 30-somethings from the 25-30 crowd. That's a ton of potential marriages down the crapper any way you slice it. The stigma created is just icing on the cake.

On the bright side the unofficial creation of Mid-Singles groups helps here. It helps those in their late 20's spend some time with those older and the 30-somethings aren't stuck at every activity with the 60 year olds.

Edited January 10, 2012 by The Nehor

[The Nehor]

Another possible solution might be to marry when you're younger when the gender gap isn't so wide.

Amazing! Why didn't I think of that?[/sarcasm]

Edited January 10, 2012 by The Nehor

[mbh26]

Amazing! Why didn't I think of that?[/sarcasm]

Nobody ever does. We grow up talking about eternal marriage and making Christmas wish lists of everything we want our spouse to be for us. We talk about how special we are as sons/daughters of our Heavenly Father and how we only deserve the very best in a spouse. We build our self esteems often times telling ourselves we're all that when we're not. Then we set our expectations and demand, demand, demand, determined to get our way by whatever means necessary. Add the current law of no fault divorce and the marriage contract isn't much different than having a boyfriend/girlfriend who you can dismiss and replace easier than an at will employee. It stands to reason that even the best matched marriages fail.

[silvermoon383]

On the bright side the unofficial creation of Mid-Singles groups helps here. It helps those in their late 20's spend some time with those older and the 30-somethings aren't stuck at every activity with the 60 year olds.

Unfortunately, those of us who are stuck in stakes where they won't even make YSA branches and limit our activities to an unofficial FHE group getting a mid-singles group is even less likely.

[Duncan]

Nobody ever does. We grow up talking about eternal marriage and making Christmas wish lists of everything we want our spouse to be for us. We talk about how special we are as sons/daughters of our Heavenly Father and how we only deserve the very best in a spouse. We build our self esteems often times telling ourselves we're all that when we're not. Then we set our expectations and demand, demand, demand, determined to get our way by whatever means necessary. Add the current law of no fault divorce and the marriage contract isn't much different than having a boyfriend/girlfriend who you can dismiss and replace easier than an at will employee. It stands to reason that even the best matched marriages fail.

sometimes I wonder and i have no evidence to back this up but the older you get and are never married, single, the higher expectations you have to make all the waiting worth it. Just as idea and I don't know if that's true just something I have talked about ad nauseum with my single and married friends about.

[Duncan]

Another thing to is I think there are people in the Church that shouldn't get married. My brother comes to mind. He is 40, great job, never had a girlfriend, never really has expressed an interest in dating. he is in his own world and has the maturity of an 11 yr old. We think he has aspergers which explains a lot. YET he has been hounded to death to get married and date and all the rest of it when in reality being married to him would be...a situation that doesn't need to happen. One man in particular was a temple pres. member that always was on his case to get married and I finally told that unless you have to live the consequences then push off. I don't want to be unkind toward my brother or know what the answer is for him. I try very hard to love the guy but marriage I just don't think should be in the books for him.

[The Nehor]

Unfortunately, those of us who are stuck in stakes where they won't even make YSA branches and limit our activities to an unofficial FHE group getting a mid-singles group is even less likely.

That is the beauty of it. Since the activities are unofficial the Church can't tell you not to have activities because they have no interest or control in the organization.

[silvermoon383]

But at the same time won't help you find said mid-singles or give any official support. In an official YSA group you can get a list of every YSA in the stake and get keys to the Church or other official facilities. Without that official staus the group essentially has to find themselves on their own. Depending on the size of the stake that can be a very tricky deal.

[The Nehor]

But at the same time won't help you find said mid-singles or give any official support. In an official YSA group you can get a list of every YSA in the stake and get keys to the Church or other official facilities. Without that official staus the group essentially has to find themselves on their own. Depending on the size of the stake that can be a very tricky deal.

We found it to be simple and easy. With the networking tools available everyone can announce anything they want to invite people to. I have four things I can do this week.

[mbh26]

sometimes I wonder and i have no evidence to back this up but the older you get and are never married, single, the higher expectations you have to make all the waiting worth it. Just as idea and I don't know if that's true just something I have talked about ad nauseum with my single and married friends about.

Eventually people have to leave their romantic dreams of marriage and understand at some level, even if not a conscious one, that the situation doesn't really permit what you want, nor does it even permit what you deserve. You just have to take what you can get and make the best of it.

[Duncan]

Eventually people have to leave their romantic dreams of marriage and understand at some level, even if not a conscious one, that the situation doesn't really permit what you want, nor does it even permit what you deserve. You just have to take what you can get and make the best of it.

double fudge, I ran out of rep. points for that!

[LeSellers]

double fudge,

My favorite kind. Why bother with anything less?

I ran out of rep. points for that!

I run out regularly. I wish there were a way to keep those we don't use (on those rare occasions) for use later. Maybe they could go "stale" after three days or something.

Or, maybe, posters at certain levels (messages, rep points of their own, no recent bans, etc?) could get a few more?

Lehi

[CV75]

You just have to take what you can get and make the best of it.

It worked for BTO!

[Mudcat]

As a mother of three daughters, this concerns me a little. It appears that many LDS women will now have to marry outside their faith or choose not to marry.

You are probably right. It just seems more than a litte discouraging to me that many LDS women will have to marry outside the LDS faith or not marry at all. I would be very sad if this happened to my daughters.

I am 39, single and will absolutely never marry any man that cannot go to the temple with me. I know for a fact that my Heavenly Father wants no less for me than to be sealed for eternity to my husband and our family. He expects no less. If I do not meet my husband in this life I will meet him after this life. I live righteously and worthily and I have complete faith in the love my Heavenly Father has for me and the promises he has made. I know that my needs and desires will be met because I will always do my very best to make God's interests my own. God is a better judge of character than I am. There is zero possibility for me to have less than a temple marriage because I choose what is right for me. And I will be married someday because eternity is a long time given to meet the right guy. I want to live in the Celestial kingdom, I want to live with my Father. I wouldn't settle for less and I wouldn't advise my daughter to either. Mortality is minuscule.

As the father of four daughters, I don't have any fear that my girls will be unable to find worthy husbands and priesthood holders when the time comes.

After reading through some of the posts on this topic. I, as an EV male, who is happily married to an LDS wife wanted to make a comment.

I bolded some posts that sort of glared out at me as exemplary of the struggles that an outsider to your faith deals with when they marry an LDS.

Personally, on a multiplicity of occassions I have been treated as inferior being that is less than worthy by my in laws, who are no doubt saddened and grieve over my wifes choice as a mate and father of her children. It goes well beyond the scope of preferential and is more prejudicial, IMO.

The above statements seem to be a bit of an echo chamber along those lines.

It is my hope that your daughters find the men that God has intended for them as mates. If it is in his plan that those men are not LDS, for some reason, then it is my hope that he grant them thick skins and many grains of salt.

I am thankful and find much concilation in my belief that even though my own efforts at being Christlike towards my in laws are often insufficent for them, that they are sufficient for Christ.

edit add-

I am most certainly thankful that my wife loves me for who I am.

Edited January 10, 2012 by Mudcat

[cinepro]

Eventually people have to leave their romantic dreams of marriage and understand at some level, even if not a conscious one, that the situation doesn't really permit what you want, nor does it even permit what you deserve. You just have to take what you can get and make the best of it.

Something must have really changed in our culture for anyone to not be married these days.

We have travel and communications technology unlike anything in the history of the world. LDS dating sites alone have thousands of potential partners. Yet, somehow people aren't able to find "the right one". Does the increased number of options make people more picky?

[selek1]

After reading through some of the posts on this topic. I, as an EV male, who is happily married to an LDS wife wanted to make a comment.

I bolded some posts that sort of glared out at me as exemplary of the struggles that an outsider to your faith deals with when they marry an LDS.

Personally, on a multiplicity of occassions I have been treated as inferior being that is less than worthy by my in laws, who are no doubt saddened and grieve over my wifes choice as a mate and father of her children. It goes well beyond the scope of preferential and is more prejudicial, IMO.

The above statements seem to be a bit of an echo chamber along those lines.

It is my hope that your daughters find the men that God has intended for them as mates. If it is in his plan that those men are not LDS, for some reason, then it is my hope that he grant them thick skins and many grains of salt.

I am thankful and find much concilation in my belief that even though my own efforts at being Christlike towards my in laws are often insufficent for them, that they are sufficient for Christ.

I am most certainly thankful that my wife loves me for who I am.

The intrinsic irony in this post lies in the fact that despite your wicked ways and obvious disdain for all things sacred and holy , WE love you for who you are too.

I think it's fair to say that (on the whole) you have been dealt with based on the content of your character (and of your posts), rather than the perniciousness of your EV tag.

I know of a certainty that you are one of the most beloved and respected posters on these boards- as much for our differences as our agreements.

If we can extend that Christ-like love and respect to a (comparative) stranger, can we not extend the same love and respect to the upstart, marrying-far-above-himself, who-does-he-think-he-is wretch who presumes to date my little princess?

----------------------------------------

For the most part, Muddie, this thread deals with abstractions- and it is not at all unreasonable for a parent (or those seeking a spouse) to set their standards high in the abstract.

When it is boiled down to basics, however, we will (and are) dealing with real individuals.

I am quite certain that I will be exasperated and irritated by WHOMEVER my daughters bring home- whether they walk on water, are heirs to the Gates fortune, or are merely an unwashed, impoverished, impenitent EV.

At that point, I will be judged and sentenced for how I dealt with the individual (instead of the abstract).

I just hope they award points for marksmanship.

[mbh26]

Something must have really changed in our culture for anyone to not be married these days.

We have travel and communications technology unlike anything in the history of the world. LDS dating sites alone have thousands of potential partners. Yet, somehow people aren't able to find "the right one". Does the increased number of options make people more picky?

I would say yes, but then again I've been married for the past 7 years to a woman I met online. All the ugliness I spewed is just a carryover from my dating days. I'm very blessed. I do believe that making members having marital problems attend the singles ward for a while is a good way to encourage people to stay married.

[GingerRed]

I am still single at 54... . Not fun! Here in Utah Valley, you'd think, well whats the problem? We have TONS of LDS Singles activites; yearly Conferences, firesides, Temple sessions, Super Saturdays, speed dating, Scripture Study classes, yadda yadda yadda. yet we still can't seem to pair up!! I don't get it either. I will say, though its not just the women who are picky!! The older the men get, the more they want some young blond trophy on thier arm! 50 year old guys just don't want 50 year old women! Period! And I sure as heck don't want some silly preschooler younger guy and I don't want to date my 'father' or 'grandfather'....so ..whats left?

I just recently ended a 5 month relationship with a guy 14 years older than me. Guess I was crazy thinking I had enough in common with this 68 yr old guy, I could make it work. He was a widower...great guy...had everything going for him....I just couldn't fall in love wih him! I tried and tried.....but nothing. No chemstry, no feelings, zero. So....as much as I hated to lose this wonderful man and all he brought to the table....which was just about everything I always wanted in a spouse.........I broke it off. No sense in leading him on any further, waiting for some silly spark, that wasn't going to happen. That wasn't fair to HIM.

So...I'm back on LDS Planet. Actually I wouldn't mind dating a non-member. I don't know if I'd marry one though! LOL Wanting a temple marriage so bad, I would probably not consider it.

I am in a family ward of course. I miss my old singles ward terribly! I'd go back in a NY minute if one was ever formed here again! No matter what family ward I go to, I always feel like an outsider. They just can't cater to the sinlges needs...and dont' seem to want to or care. Which is sad!! I don't know what the solution would be either.....something would have to come down from LDS headquaters to make anything happen.

Edited January 10, 2012 by GingerRed

[cinepro]

I do believe that making members having marital problems attend the singles ward for a while is a good way to encourage people to stay married.

Oh snap!

[Duncan]

I would say yes, but then again I've been married for the past 7 years to a woman I met online. All the ugliness I spewed is just a carryover from my dating days. I'm very blessed. I do believe that making members having marital problems attend the singles ward for a while is a good way to encourage people to stay married.

you're in good company. Elder Charles C. Rich of the Twelve proposed to his wife, Sarah Pea, via letter-they had never met before!

[mbh26]

Well GingerRed, at 54, we could all very easily find ourselves single again. I can't say I'm looking forward to that. Maybe married life isn't so bad.

[Duncan]

One problem I see with the single over 30's who are almost miraculosuly still active in the Church is the leap to the "family" ward. Unless you have stuck around for awhile and got to know people you really don't know who's married or not. You definately don't want to be unwittingly hitting on a married person and then find out "what you're married?...now, that's appalling!"