Are you a control freak?

[MustardSeed]

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

Control tends to be particularly important to me. My husband can barely live with me because of it. My best friend doesn’t see it. My kids notice it but don’t complain about it. I notice it in certain aspects But I wonder if I’m in denial about the level of control that I require.

[Chum]

1 hour ago, MustardSeed said:

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

I think it might be the opposite. The desire to examine an undecided topic indicates freedom from compulsive control.

The converse is discussing a decided topic where our behavior is assumed and we get to figure out how we're going to comply. An example of the latter: Someone wielding a principle as a means to control someone else's behavior.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Chum

[Chum]

1 hour ago, MustardSeed said:

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

Regarding your personal consideration: I feel it depends on why you're hashing the point. If you desire a concrete answer that you can use to influence behavior, then I think control is on the table. If it's just to obtain a better understanding of cause and effect, that sounds more like adaptation than control.

[bluebell]

4 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

Control tends to be particularly important to me. My husband can barely live with me because of it. My best friend doesn’t see it. My kids notice it but don’t complain about it. I notice it in certain aspects But I wonder if I’m in denial about the level of control that I require.

Maybe the bold can work that way for some people, but it doesn't really work that way for me (and though I'm very opinionated I'm not very controlling by nature.  I'm almost always very happy to go with the flow and let other people be in control as long as I can believe what I want about it).

For me, when I can talk through something, or explore how other people are dealing with it or even just voice my conflictions of questions, it really really helps me to understand my own position better and leads me in directions that become answers for me that I didn't have before.  I don't know what it is about it, but when I can talk through something (even sometimes just out loud with myself) then I get so many more insights than I had when I was just stewing about it internally.

This need of mine can be a struggle for my husband sometimes because I think he interprets it as me complaining or criticising or even doubting, and he also doesn't see the point in discussions about things that have no definitive answers.  So I've had to learn to get my need for this kind of communication from sources other than him (which is hard sometimes).

But if it has anything to do with control, I guess I'm missing it.

[BlueDreams]

21 hours ago, MustardSeed said:

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

Control tends to be particularly important to me. My husband can barely live with me because of it. My best friend doesn’t see it. My kids notice it but don’t complain about it. I notice it in certain aspects But I wonder if I’m in denial about the level of control that I require.

I asked my husband if I was controlling or a control freak and he laughed. I’m not super controlling. He noted that he was more controlling than me. Which I found funny because I thought I was more controlling Than him. Every person has something they try to control to some degree. Mine is if I’ve labeled something “my stuff/place” in my head. If something changes up without my permission to that I get pretty annoyed pretty fast. 

more related, I like being right. i don’t know if that’s completely controlling, though I’ve seen that trait in those I would describe as controlling at times. That’s one I’ve had to work to not be overpowering with. To balance it with reminders that people have agency and that even if I see a problem or concern they may not need to hear about it just yet. That I don’t have to “win” every discussion. It’s also usually balanced by the fact that I know pretty well areas that I don’t know pretty well. So I’m more likely to be hesitant to pipe up on those like I know something or will do some research on it before saying anything. It’s easier for me to be corrected on those by someone who knows more. IOW I’m cautious. 
 

i’m also pretty assertive, which I wonder at times for a more passive person that may play off as controlling. 
 

Don’t know if that answers anything, but there you have it. 
 

with luv, 

BD 

[MustardSeed]

Thank you, I am really interested in the topic and what you all have shared.  Defining control might have helped but I didn’t want to control that 😉

For my personal needs around understanding control, my plan is to embrace my inner freak. 

[Tacenda]

56 minutes ago, MustardSeed said:

Thank you, I am really interested in the topic and what you all have shared.  Defining control might have helped but I didn’t want to control that 😉

For my personal needs around understanding control, my plan is to embrace my inner freak. 

An inner "caring" freak, I believe, because you possibly might care so much you want to control situations.

[3DOP]

On 11/5/2022 at 11:41 AM, MustardSeed said:

I posted a question about gender on the main page and I started thinking, “talking about what’s the point, what’s the point of posting some thing for which there is not an answer?“ I think as a lot of these questions that we tend to have and I wonder if desiring those answers or needing answers or needing to talk through that angst has a correlation with a need to be in control in general, because isn’t that what that is?

Control tends to be particularly important to me. My husband can barely live with me because of it. My best friend doesn’t see it. My kids notice it but don’t complain about it. I notice it in certain aspects But I wonder if I’m in denial about the level of control that I require.

I analyze minutiae. I am always thinking about efficiency of movement. I plan my steps across the shop to accomplish as much as I can with least effort. I think of ways to not wear things out like my car breaks, my shoes, windshield wipers, clothes, all doors, especially expensive garage doors (there are a limited number of up and downs, right?). I hate it when my dear wife washes some clothes that need to be thrown away. No. We are not throwing away clothes that have just have been washed and dried. Threadbare as they may be, they will be worn once more, and disposed of dirty! My sister-in-law, autistic, and therefore excusable makes me as crazy as she is with the way she thoroughly cleans things before throwing them in the garbage. I can explain why it is always easier and more efficient to back in to a parking spot, than it is to back out. I believe there is a right way to do everything and that most of the time, I am the only person who cares about it. 

I think I have learned to care less. I have had to stop thinking that others are necessarily stupid because of the way they don't think about how they should park, or merge on to the interstate. Why do people making a left hand turn stay so far back from where they need to make the turn? Get up to where you are going to turn! You need less time that way, and I can probably make it behind you too! This contributes to traffic congestion and eventually road rage. How can you not see this? Square it off. As you can see, I am trying to "evangelize" about something that does not warrant it. I need to let others do things "the wrong way" without thinking about it much.

I mostly successfully hide my disapproval of wasteful habits, and manage to like people even though they are not like me. I hope I am not in denial. I truly think that I hide my obsessions pretty well. Heh. Still, I can be proud to see when one of my boys backs into his parking spot. Better yet if I have transmitted the faith to my children.    

[Calm]

While it is useful to back into a parking space, there are two reasons why I don’t. First, access to the back of the car is easier when shopping.  But even more so, I see it as a much greater possibility to hit another car while backing into a space that has possibly two cars on each side than it is to back into an open space with maybe a car waiting for me to exit, but backed up a distance and with a driver who can honk if I am getting too close.

I had untreated whiplash as a teen and I have never felt comfortable when turning to look back, so I often feel I have a harder time being fully aware of my surroundings, judging distances, etc if my head is turned to the back than looking forward.  And I am not a great judge of distances or anything measured even when facing forward and under no pressure.

Typically though I will choose to park a distance from the store/building to avoid other cars (don’t mind walking to avoid any sense of enclosure) and often can just drive straight into a parking space and straight out of it.

However, I have always planned my movements to be efficient use of resources (though walking is good exercise, so if time is not limited why not take the stairs) plus I dislike shopping usually, so I plan errands and shopping to minimize time and effort spent on it.  After 40 years of marriage it still bugs me massively that my husband often doesn’t check with me before shopping or take the lists I put on the refrigerator or even forgets to look at text messages and will just run out again to get something I wanted even if I say it can wait till next time or stops by the store on the way home to pick up a gallon of milk because we just barely opened the last one instead of waiting a day or two for regular shopping.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Calm

[bluebell]

14 hours ago, Calm said:

While it is useful to back into a parking space, there are two reasons why I don’t. First, access to the back of the car is easier when shopping.  But even more so, I see it as a much greater possibility to hit another car while backing into a space that has possibly two cars on each side than it is to back into an open space with maybe a car waiting for me to exit, but backed up a distance and with a driver who can honk if I am getting too close.

I had untreated whiplash as a teen and I have never felt comfortable when turning to look back, so I often feel I have a harder time being fully aware of my surroundings, judging distances, etc if my head is turned to the back than looking forward.  And I am not a great judge of distances or anything measured even when facing forward and under no pressure.

Typically though I will choose to park a distance from the store/building to avoid other cars (don’t mind walking to avoid any sense of enclosure) and often can just drive straight into a parking space and straight out of it.

However, I have always planned my movements to be efficient use of resources (though walking is good exercise, so if time is not limited why not take the stairs) plus I dislike shopping usually, so I plan errands and shopping to minimize time and effort spent on it.  After 40 years of marriage it still bugs me massively that my husband often doesn’t check with me before shopping or take the lists I put on the refrigerator or even forgets to look at text messages and will just run out again to get something I wanted even if I say it can wait till next time or stops by the store on the way home to pick up a galleon of milk because we just barely opened the last one instead of waiting a day or two for regular shopping.

In my (and most) missions, you aren’t allowed to back up without someone standing behind you to make sure you aren’t going to mow over anything.  It meant that you got really good at finding parking spots that required no backing. I’ve carried that habit with me.

But I can back if I need to. New vehicles have so many screens and warning bells (and ever 360 degree views so you can see exactly where you are in relation to everything around you) you don’t even have to turn your head. 

Edited November 13, 2022 by bluebell

[Calm]

1 hour ago, bluebell said:

In my (and most) missions, you aren’t allowed to back up with someone standing behind you to make sure you aren’t going to mow over anything.  It meant that you got really good at finding parking spots that required no backing. I’ve carried that habit with me.

But I can back if I need to. New vehicles have so many screens and warning bells (and ever 360 degree views so you can see exactly where you are in relation to everything around you) you don’t even have to turn your head. 

Our van is on its last legs. We will be buying one with the safety bells and whistles next. And likely hybrid as well to cut down on sound given my current sensitivity. 

[The Nehor]

Only when it is fun to be in control. In all other cases better to allow someone else to be in charge.

[Dario_M]

Yes i am. I need to let that go. 🎭

[The Nehor]

Generally no. I am just a general run-of-the-mill regular freak.