Return missionaries going inactive

[mapman]

I don't have any actual statistics to back this up, but from what I have seen return missionaries often have a hard time adjusting to life after the mission as an active member of the church. I've heard that the church has made a program to help out return missionaries, so that would seem to back that up.

I returned from my mission in Argentina a little over a year ago. I've been an active member since I got back, but I have to admit that it has been very difficult for me. I certainly have no plans to leave the church, but I'm trying to figure out why exactly I and many other return missionaries feel less enthusiastic about church after their missions. I'd guess that for some it is because they had a bad experience with their mission, but many others had wonderful experiences on their mission (me included). Here's some possible reasons I've thought of:

1. Life in the mission is usually more spiritual and free from distractions. My life before the mission was one where I had things happen in my family that caused me great grief, I struggled making friends and with dating, I struggled to overcome bad habits, etc. Life in the mission, while not exactly easy, was simpler. I didn't have to worry as much about family problems, school, dating, and I felt like I had overcome my bad habits and become much more spiritual. Now since I've been home, I know that I am a much better person, and I deal with my old problems in a much better way, but at the same time it is kind of depressing when I realize I'm not as spiritual as I was on the mission, most of my bad habits are back, and I'm still having to deal with problems with my family. Me feeling bad about myself sometimes makes me feel unmotivated about things like church. That being said, I think I have been coping better with these things as time goes on.

2. I don't really know what I'm going to do next in my life. Right now I'm focusing on getting through school. But before my mission I had my future planned out. I would go through the church's young men and scouts programs, get ordained to higher offices in the priesthood, and leave on a mission. Right now, now all I know is that I'm supposed to get married when the moment is right, but I don't know when that will be, and there is no longer any sense of forward movement towards a goal. I wonder if this is how other return missionaries feel as well.

3. I used to have my questions and issues with the church, but now they hit more closely to home. In my case, church history isn't something that particularly bothers me. In my case, what causes me much heartbreak is homosexual members of the church. When I was a teenager I knew about homosexuals, but honestly being gay was more of a joke for my peers than anything else (I feel bad about that now). Now I know personally several homosexual members of the church, including a close family member who recently came out and has left the church because they don't feel welcome at church. I feel like I didn't do enough to support this family member when I was younger, and want to make things up to them and be loyal to them, but I also wish that they can come back to the church. It causes me a lot of confusion and sadness, and that has decreased my enthusiasm a lot as well. I don't know how common a situation this is for other return missionaries, but I imagine it happens with many of them, as well as other church members who are entering into adulthood.

Having said all this, I trust that God will help me through it all, and I will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to serve a mission.

Anyways, I was wondering if any of you guys have any insight on why return missionaries might be going inactive, and what we can do personally to support them and to help fix the problem as much as we can?

[Duncan]

They don't have to live under anyone's rules anymore, beyond their parents and they can basically do whatever they want and some don't know what to do with it. Some do something seemingly stupid and feel an immense amount of guilt and quit coming, "I feel bad when I come to church, eliminate the guilt eliminate Church", slip into old patterns of behaviour, same place, same dopey friends. 

[Robert F. Smith]

Quote

 

.....................................................

I returned from my mission in Argentina a little over a year ago. I've been an active member since I got back, but I have to admit that it has been very difficult for me. I certainly have no plans to leave the church, but I'm trying to figure out why exactly I and many other return missionaries feel less enthusiastic about church after their missions. I'd guess that for some it is because they had a bad experience with their mission, but many others had wonderful experiences on their mission (me included). Here's some possible reasons I've thought of:

................................................................................   

Anyways, I was wondering if any of you guys have any insight on why return missionaries might be going inactive, and what we can do personally to support them and to help fix the problem as much as we can?

 

You are undergoing vast changes.  Not only have you left childhood behind, and are now a man, but you have gone through the ultimate initiation process for a young Mormon -- the missionary life, and the depressurization afterward.  It could have been a stint in the military with extensive combat experience, and the tough time trying to recover from that afterward -- which some men do by turning to drugs or suicide.  All in the midst of the most significant years of maturation.  It isn't supposed to be easy, and there will naturally be casualties along the way.  An unfortunate fact of life.  However, with patience and perseverance, all of that will pass.  One day you will look back and reflect on it as a time of adjustment.  I hope you will one day find it as exhilirating as it is difficult.  You wouldn't want it if it were too easy.

As for love and marriage.  You'll know when that happens.  Nothing will seem more certain to you.  But that will present another, very different initiation process, with a new set of difficulties.  If you can overcome them, you will look back with great satisfaction.  If not, there will be great regret for any wrong choices you have made, and only you will fully understand that.  Just take it one day at a time.

[Storm Rider]

16 hours ago, mapman said:

I don't have any actual statistics to back this up, but from what I have seen return missionaries often have a hard time adjusting to life after the mission as an active member of the church. I've heard that the church has made a program to help out return missionaries, so that would seem to back that up.

I returned from my mission in Argentina a little over a year ago. I've been an active member since I got back, but I have to admit that it has been very difficult for me. I certainly have no plans to leave the church, but I'm trying to figure out why exactly I and many other return missionaries feel less enthusiastic about church after their missions. I'd guess that for some it is because they had a bad experience with their mission, but many others had wonderful experiences on their mission (me included). Here's some possible reasons I've thought of:

1. Life in the mission is usually more spiritual and free from distractions. My life before the mission was one where I had things happen in my family that caused me great grief, I struggled making friends and with dating, I struggled to overcome bad habits, etc. Life in the mission, while not exactly easy, was simpler. I didn't have to worry as much about family problems, school, dating, and I felt like I had overcome my bad habits and become much more spiritual. Now since I've been home, I know that I am a much better person, and I deal with my old problems in a much better way, but at the same time it is kind of depressing when I realize I'm not as spiritual as I was on the mission, most of my bad habits are back, and I'm still having to deal with problems with my family. Me feeling bad about myself sometimes makes me feel unmotivated about things like church. That being said, I think I have been coping better with these things as time goes on.

2. I don't really know what I'm going to do next in my life. Right now I'm focusing on getting through school. But before my mission I had my future planned out. I would go through the church's young men and scouts programs, get ordained to higher offices in the priesthood, and leave on a mission. Right now, now all I know is that I'm supposed to get married when the moment is right, but I don't know when that will be, and there is no longer any sense of forward movement towards a goal. I wonder if this is how other return missionaries feel as well.

3. I used to have my questions and issues with the church, but now they hit more closely to home. In my case, church history isn't something that particularly bothers me. In my case, what causes me much heartbreak is homosexual members of the church. When I was a teenager I knew about homosexuals, but honestly being gay was more of a joke for my peers than anything else (I feel bad about that now). Now I know personally several homosexual members of the church, including a close family member who recently came out and has left the church because they don't feel welcome at church. I feel like I didn't do enough to support this family member when I was younger, and want to make things up to them and be loyal to them, but I also wish that they can come back to the church. It causes me a lot of confusion and sadness, and that has decreased my enthusiasm a lot as well. I don't know how common a situation this is for other return missionaries, but I imagine it happens with many of them, as well as other church members who are entering into adulthood.

Having said all this, I trust that God will help me through it all, and I will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to serve a mission.

Anyways, I was wondering if any of you guys have any insight on why return missionaries might be going inactive, and what we can do personally to support them and to help fix the problem as much as we can?

Hello Map,

You bring up a valuable topic.  I see the problem that is most significant as #2 above.  As young men we know what we are supposed to do and we did it.  Everything afterwards is harder and dependent upon other things.  Marriage depends on finding a spouse you love and she loving you back.  Education and finding a career are not easily identified for many people.  College has too many choices and many don't have an idea what they are passionate about or what they should do for their professional life.  

I often heard as a young man that for a boat with no direction any wind is fair.  Young men don't have that strong, mapped out course that directs our paths after a mission is completed.  On a mission our environment was intensely spiritual.  Coming home we lose the mantle of being a missionary and many feel a sense of being left adrift.  Further complicating it is the everyday grind of daily life; it is far more complex than mission life.

Young men need to identify short term goals and attempt to identify long term goals that they are solidly committed to obtaining.  That sets the course and direction.  Getting back to basics of scripture study and prayer regarding those goals and to prepare yourself for your future as a disciple of Christ, holiness, and being well rounded academically, socially, culturally, and spiritually.  

Edited April 15, 2016 by Storm Rider

[Duncan]

I think too you lose your identity and you felt part of something (whether or not you identified with it is another thing). For 18 months-20 years or whatever you were Elder or Sister So and So and now you're Butch Guspodarchuk or Lucy Lampshade, one of a million "kids" and some people don't know who you are or you feel left out. Plus nobody cares if you were an AP or not, "oh, you're one of those guys............."

Edited April 14, 2016 by Duncan

[Nevo]

18 hours ago, mapman said:

Having said all this, I trust that God will help me through it all, and I will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to serve a mission.

This approach will serve you well. My twenties were honestly very, very difficult—I had (and have) a lot of the same struggles that you describe. Things didn't really start to turn around for me until my mid-30s, when I got married. But it did get better.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Nevo

[The Nehor]

That is fairly normal. My Mission President used to emphasize that Mission life is not like real life and not to think that this is the way "things should be". Just keep doing what you know you should be doing and for the rest pretend until you figure out what you want and need.

[carbon dioxide]

One problem I see is that many young men go on missions because they are expected to go on missions.  That is the wrong reason to go on a mission. One should go because they want to go or believe they should go.  I have told my son that even though I encourage him to go and would like to see him go, if he chooses not to go I will be ok with that.  I did not decide to go on a mission until I was 22.  Everyone is different and pushing a person on a mission before they are ready is not a good thing.

[Rivers]

In my experience, everything in my life was leading up to my mission. And once the mission was finished I was like, "Now What?"

Also, before the mission I felt I had a much stronger support system within the church as a youth.  Elder's Quorum didn't feel the same as being in the Aaronic priesthood. That sense of community and belonging seemed to diminish a bit. I can't explain why. 

[Bernard Gui]

LDS Family Services offers free counseling to missionaries in certain situations. 

If you are having difficulties adjusting, one resource is your bishop...or your father...or your former mission president.

It seems that many young men in their 20s (former missionaries, non-missionaries, non-members) are in a similar

holding pattern for their lives. Three of them are in our family room playing video games as I type. 

[Atheist Mormon]

"Return missionaries going inactive "

Unfortunately for believers that is going to be a fact of life, the life here is not happening in a bubble. The reality of the situation cannot be remedied by prayers, meditation alone.

[HappyJackWagon]

The structure of a mission is totally unnatural. It is absolute submission to authority. You are told when to wake up, when to go to bed. You are told who you must be with 24/7. You are told what you can read, listen to, wear, talk about. They're not allowed to talk to friends or family. They are cut off from the real world. It's not natural. It's an artificial lifestyle which doesn't prepare people to live in the real world.

Therefore when return missionaries get back to the real world they don't *Edit* have practical experience making choices for themselves that would match the church's desire. They are accustomed to being told what to do in every facet of their lives. They haven't learned how to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. IMO the church would be wise to teach missionaries how to function with more personal freedom so they can continue that path afterwards.

Edited April 15, 2016 by HappyJackWagon

[stemelbow]

1 minute ago, HappyJackWagon said:

The structure of a mission is totally unnatural. It is absolute submission to authority. You are told when to wake up, when to go to bed. You are told who you must be with 24/7. You are told what you can read, listen to, wear, talk about. They're not allowed to talk to friends or family. They are cut off from the real world. It's not natural. It's an artificial lifestyle which doesn't prepare people to live in the real world.

Therefore when return missionaries get back to the real world they don't know how to make good decisions for themselves. They are accustomed to being told what to do in every facet of their lives. They haven't learned how to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. IMO the church would be wise to teach missionaries how to function with more personal freedom so they can continue that path afterwards.

I don't know how true this is.  I think most missionaries come home and make fine decisions for themselves.  It's always a little awkward and all that, but things usually work out well.  Now, true, there are cases perhaps more than a few, wherein returning home seems to be the start of many problems for individuals. 

[ERMD]

A lot can be said about your particular situation, as well as the issue you point out, and to a degree, exemplify.  I know in our stake, we have a high councilor assigned to recently returned missionaries, to help them if needed in making the adjustment to post-mission life.  I think this has likely been an issue for a very long time, but it is now being recognized and efforts are ongoing to provide some degree of assistance.  The feelings and emotions are natural and to be expected.  Some make the adjustment more easily than others.  I served my mission 30 years ago, and I know of several elders and sisters who fell away after returning.

I went  after my 3rd year of college.  I gave up my academic scholarship (which the university, Baylor, picked up upon my return), and postponed medical school for 2 years. When I got back, I was the only LDS student on campus; there was no institute, no student/YSA ward.  I had to rely on the small and simple things--serving in the Church, prayer, scripture study, etc., as well as continuing to move forward with my academic and professional goals.  Remember, we are agents.  There are things to act, and things to be acted upon.  If you become a thing that is acted upon, you will feel helpless and will not make meaningful progress.  I'm reminded of President Monson's comments in General Conference a couple of weeks ago when he cited Alice's conversation with the Cheshire Cat.  

“Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”

The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”  .

And remember, even if you don't know exactly where you want to go, get out of the house and do something productive.  It is the accumulation of repeated, simple acts that brings God's blessings.  Push through this time.  Things will become more clear.  It won't the first and only time like it.  Fortunately, success begets success, and as you see that you can do it this time, the next time will be familiar and the process will be easier.  As President Packer taught, sometimes we have to step into the darkness, and the light will follow.

Where did you serve in Argentina?  I was in Buenos Aires North.  My wife and I are going to visit the end of October.  It's my first time to go back.

[stemelbow]

7 minutes ago, ERMD said:

A lot can be said about your particular situation, as well as the issue you point out, and to a degree, exemplify.  I know in our stake, we have a high councilor assigned to recently returned missionaries, to help them if needed in making the adjustment to post-mission life.  I think this has likely been an issue for a very long time, but it is now being recognized and efforts are ongoing to provide some degree of assistance.  The feelings and emotions are natural and to be expected.  Some make the adjustment more easily than others.  I served my mission 30 years ago, and I know of several elders and sisters who fell away after returning.

I went  after my 3rd year of college.  I gave up my academic scholarship (which the university, Baylor, picked up upon my return), and postponed medical school for 2 years. When I got back, I was the only LDS student on campus; there was no institute, no student/YSA ward.  I had to rely on the small and simple things--serving in the Church, prayer, scripture study, etc., as well as continuing to move forward with my academic and professional goals.  Remember, we are agents.  There are things to act, and things to be acted upon.  If you become a thing that is acted upon, you will feel helpless and will not make meaningful progress.  I'm reminded of President Monson's comments in General Conference a couple of weeks ago when he cited Alice's conversation with the Cheshire Cat.  

“Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”

The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”  .

And remember, even if you don't know exactly where you want to go, get out of the house and do something productive.  It is the accumulation of repeated, simple acts that brings God's blessings.  Push through this time.  Things will become more clear.  It won't the first and only time like it.  Fortunately, success begets success, and as you see that you can do it this time, the next time will be familiar and the process will be easier.  As President Packer taught, sometimes we have to step into the darkness, and the light will follow.

Where did you serve in Argentina?  I was in Buenos Aires North.  My wife and I are going to visit the end of October.  It's my first time to go back.

Sounds awesome to go back after 30 years.  You'll have to remember to give us your impressions. 

[JAHS]

I had a couple of missionary companions who were inactive while on their mission. This was the early 70s and I suspected they only came to dodge the draft. 

After my mission I kept myself going by getting involved in an institute class; found my wife there; and was married within a year after returning. She helped keep me active from then on. 

[carbon dioxide]

5 hours ago, JAHS said:

I had a couple of missionary companions who were inactive while on their mission. This was the early 70s and I suspected they only came to dodge the draft. 

After my mission I kept myself going by getting involved in an institute class; found my wife there; and was married within a year after returning. She helped keep me active from then on. 

Inactive while on their missions?  I would have dodged the draft as well if I was of age.  There was nothing in Vietnam that was worth dying for. 

[mapman]

6 hours ago, ERMD said:

A lot can be said about your particular situation, as well as the issue you point out, and to a degree, exemplify.  I know in our stake, we have a high councilor assigned to recently returned missionaries, to help them if needed in making the adjustment to post-mission life.  I think this has likely been an issue for a very long time, but it is now being recognized and efforts are ongoing to provide some degree of assistance.  The feelings and emotions are natural and to be expected.  Some make the adjustment more easily than others.  I served my mission 30 years ago, and I know of several elders and sisters who fell away after returning.

I went  after my 3rd year of college.  I gave up my academic scholarship (which the university, Baylor, picked up upon my return), and postponed medical school for 2 years. When I got back, I was the only LDS student on campus; there was no institute, no student/YSA ward.  I had to rely on the small and simple things--serving in the Church, prayer, scripture study, etc., as well as continuing to move forward with my academic and professional goals.  Remember, we are agents.  There are things to act, and things to be acted upon.  If you become a thing that is acted upon, you will feel helpless and will not make meaningful progress.  I'm reminded of President Monson's comments in General Conference a couple of weeks ago when he cited Alice's conversation with the Cheshire Cat.  

“Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”

The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”  .

And remember, even if you don't know exactly where you want to go, get out of the house and do something productive.  It is the accumulation of repeated, simple acts that brings God's blessings.  Push through this time.  Things will become more clear.  It won't the first and only time like it.  Fortunately, success begets success, and as you see that you can do it this time, the next time will be familiar and the process will be easier.  As President Packer taught, sometimes we have to step into the darkness, and the light will follow.

Where did you serve in Argentina?  I was in Buenos Aires North.  My wife and I are going to visit the end of October.  It's my first time to go back.

Thanks, that's really good advice! I went to Bahia Blanca. Hopefully someday I'll get to go back and visit.

[mapman]

Thanks for the kind comments. I think that some missionaries might have trouble dealing with not having people tell them what to do because their lives are micromanaged while on the mission, but that didn't affect me very much I don't think because I had been at college for a year and a half before I left and I was pretty eager to get a job and continue school and do things that I wanted to do when I got back. What I do miss, though, is the sense of having a spiritual goals or checkpoints that I felt like I had when in young men's or on the mission. It's probably just a matter of me sitting down and making some goals for myself.

On a happier note, I found out today that I got accepted for an internship at the Joseph Smith Papers

[Bernard Gui]

8 hours ago, HappyJackWagon said:

The structure of a mission is totally unnatural. It is absolute submission to authority. You are told when to wake up, when to go to bed. You are told who you must be with 24/7. You are told what you can read, listen to, wear, talk about. They're not allowed to talk to friends or family. They are cut off from the real world. It's not natural. It's an artificial lifestyle which doesn't prepare people to live in the real world.

Therefore when return missionaries get back to the real world they don't *Edit* have practical experience making choices for themselves that would match the church's desire. They are accustomed to being told what to do in every facet of their lives. They haven't learned how to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. IMO the church would be wise to teach missionaries how to function with more personal freedom so they can continue that path afterwards.

Maybe so, but I really enjoyed it and derived a lifetime of good from it, even though there some very hard times. I particularly loved the Language Training Mission... total immersion in learning the gospel and a foreign language. It was, as Hugh Nibley said his grandfather(?) described the trek West, A Jolly Adventure.Awesome! All the Gui kids who served missions have expressed appreciation for the benefits of two years of dedication, discipline, and devotion to the gospel. 

Edited April 15, 2016 by Bernard Gui

[Bernard Gui]

4 hours ago, carbon dioxide said:

Inactive while on their missions?  I would have dodged the draft as well if I was of age.  There was nothing in Vietnam that was worth dying for. 

Although I didn't serve there, I have a lot of friends who did. They would vehemently disagree with your statement.

[JAHS]

38 minutes ago, Bernard Gui said:

4 hours ago, carbon dioxide said:

Inactive while on their missions?  I would have dodged the draft as well if I was of age.  There was nothing in Vietnam that was worth dying for. 

Although I didn't serve there, I have a lot of friends who did. They would vehemently disagree with your statement.

I disagree also. And when someone goes on a mission for the wrong reason they become a burden to whichever companion they are paired up with. 

[ERMD]

58 minutes ago, JAHS said:

I disagree also. And when someone goes on a mission for the wrong reason they become a burden to whichever companion they are paired up with. 

Not necessarily.

[JAHS]

6 minutes ago, ERMD said:

Not necessarily.

The ones I had were a burden, but there were of course those who may have gone to avoid the draft, but were able to get into the spirit of the missionary work and do very well.

[BookofMormonLuvr]

6 hours ago, mapman said:

Thanks, that's really good advice! I went to Bahia Blanca. Hopefully someday I'll get to go back and visit.

Neuquen 1994-96