Unbalanced Religion ... Not Sure How Much More I Can Take

[coolcats]

My wife has type I bi-polar, meaning it is the most severe form.  She has had an ongoing manic episode for about a month now.  Nine days of that time, she spent in the hospital.  She was released about 3 weeks ago, but is still not functioning normally.

 

A defining feature of her manic episodes are religious delusions.  For example, she receives "messages" from movies and music.  These messages might tell her to go to suddenly to a neighbor and try to convert them, or to randomly give money to the next stranger she sees because they need help.  These go beyond what people would call the still-small voice.  To her, they are literally God speaking and directing her.

 

In another example, she has recently become convinced that she had a near death experience (NDE) when she fainted about 4 years ago.  She never mentioned this until last week, but now she says it has been brought to her recollection because a confluence of events means it is the right time. Yesterday, she even started writing a book about it.  She believes that this book will be the tool that convinces Islamic terrorists to give up violence.  What is also disturbing is this experience is constantly evolving and she is using it to (unconsciously) manipulate people.  For example, she got into an argument with my 13-year-old daughter, and she said Jesus had told her in this NDE they would have this argument and that my daughter had to do what Jesus wants.

 

The last example, is just the complete unpredictability of what she will do.  Last week we went to the national parks in Southern Utah.  I thought getting away might be good for her, but I was wrong.  On the hiking trails, she inappropriately stopped strangers and told them we were "LDS from Salt Lake", thinking she could start missionary discussions.  In one case, she stopped two men and her conversation starter was to ask about their tattoos. By the time I got to her, they had taken off their shirts to show more.  She was completely innocent, thinking she was doing missionary work.  But she could get in some really bad situations by doing things like that.  Another time, we saw some petroglyphs and she completely read them as Lehi's vision, and tried to tell the other people looking at them about it.

 

Though all this, she says her faith is unshakable.  My faith is shaken.  I have my doubts based, not only about this.  Church history has some concerning issues. But I could overcome them if we had a normal Church experience.  Instead, this totally magnifies them.  I can't discuss them with her.   Also there is no one else I can discuss them with. Her parents, while recognizing this isn't normal, don't completely see these concerns like I do, and are actually probably a deep-seeded root of some of her religious obsession.  It would be hurtful to my mom as well.  I'm also worried for my kids.  They are not getting a healthy, balance view of religion. I think the Church provides good programs for them.  Our situation can't be solved easily, if ever.  But I'm hoping there might be some understanding people here.

[Tacenda]

My heart goes out to you Coolcats. Mental disorders are just as difficult as dealing with physical ones, sometimes worse. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. Have you tried the bishop? And enlisted support from family? I understand going to a board like this if you want support while remaining anonymous, but it will only get you so far. I think it is critical.

I wish I had more to offer in advice, have never had to deal with stuff like you are except for the doubts. That's got to compound things.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Tacenda

[jwhitlock]

Having dealt with bipolar situations with my own family members, I think it's important to remember that mental illness can affect an individuals perception of everything that they experience. Life becomes filtered and distorted by the mental illness. No matter what a person's background is, religious, non-religious, career oriented, family oriented, whatever, all of those things become distorted in the mind of the person who is suffering from the illness.

 

For those around that person, real life needs to be considered separately from the illness. The illness needs to be considered exactly what it is - an illness that needs to be treated before other things in life can be dealt with. A person with such an illness is not in a condition to make logical decisions (because of the distortion) about most things in life, including finances, family, religion, jobs, etc.

 

This makes it very tough to deal with the person who has a bipolar condition. We want to think that deep down inside, they will respond to logical, rational, loving outreach.

 

The reality is that often, they don't respond that way. They respond to the "reality" they're experiencing at that time, which is distorted by the illness. It seems normal to them, but is troubling to those around them.

 

Treatment of those with bipolar illness becomes very, very important. Make it a priority to find a good doctor that knows how to work with mental illness, and get started on a treatment plan.

 

Put important decisions about other things, such as religion, off for the time being. Those need to wait until the illness can be treated. What you need now is treatment for her and anchors for you and your children. Rather than questioning the anchors, hold on to the good that the church can provide for you and your family and put off the doubts until there is a better time to address them (illness under control). If the illness is untreated and you start removing anchors in your family's life, it becomes very, very, very difficult for the family to get through things.

 

See if you can confide in your church leaders and see if they understand mental illness. Some church leaders (like many in the general population) don't understand how to deal with it well. But if you have a church leader who does, that person (bishop or Relief Society president) can become a significant resource for you and your family. Priesthood blessings can help, especially if the person giving the blessing has the spiritual gift of blessing and understands mental illness.

 

Unfortunately, mental illness is not easily dealt with. Patience and faith is required in working with it. But it can be overcome. It has been overcome by many in the Latter-day Saint community.

 

May the Lord be with you. I hope that your wife is able to find the help that she needs.

[Okrahomer]

Hi Coolcats. One of my siblings went through a very severe period of depression and manic thinking. While it cannot be described as the classic kind of bi-polar disorder you have described, it was still troubling and "faith-shaking" for our entire family. I think there are several others here who will also attest to their personal connections with mental health problems. In our case, our sibling was very willing to accept professional help: and after a year of treatment, seemed to emerge from a deep dark well--back into the light. It was a miracle. We are fortunate that medications are no longer necessary.

I am praying that miracles will happen for you, your wife and your children.

In case you have not already read it, you might also take some comfort from Elder Holland's October 2013 General Conference talk "Like a Broken Vessel": https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

[Garden Girl]

Hello coolcats...

JWhitlock seems to have good experience and suggestions to pass along... I was afraid for your wife just reading your post, i.e., the episode with the tatooed men could have been dangerous, or a similar situation particularly if you aren't around to step in...

Does she have a doctor specifically for this type of mental illness?  Medications?  I do think you should talk to your bishop to advise him of the situation, but I don't expect that many bishops are qualified to handle this type of mental illness except to help you find resources from the Church and/or medical community...

Are your children old enough to understand that she is ill?  Do they (and you) need some family counseling on how to handle your situation? 

I'm very concerned for the safety of your wife...

My heart goes out to you and I pray you can find the medical help you need... and spiritual strength...

 

GG

 

[rpn]

The good news is that bipolar can be treated successfully (generally with lithium), and if the person understands, accepts and does stay on the medication once they are again feeling and thinking normally, then they can live a fully engaged life.   If your wife is still having these episodes, I'm thinking they haven't yet found appropriate meds, or she isn't taking them as directed.   Since you cannot make her, you need to understand that it is your obligation to keep your children safe.   That may require you to separate from your wife.    It probably means that you should get your children into support groups or into counseling that helps them learn to cope.  It certainly means that you identify safe and peaceful places for them, and people who they have your permission to reach out to when they need help.

 

Ask the dr for information about family support groups in your area for those who are bipolar.   You'll find some tips for dealing here (the first comes highly recommended (or at least did in 2002), the others I don't know): 

http://bpso.org/

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=help_family_center

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/helping-a-loved-one-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

 

If you have not spoken yet to your children, you need to help them understand the disease, AND help them to understand that when she is talking about religious things but from a disease perspective, that is not truth.    Help them understand how to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost.   Let them know that when their mother does things or says things that they don't think is right, they do not have to do it, and should not do it without talking to a trusted adult first.   When she says things like Jesus says she hast to, teach them that Jesus never says anyone HAS to do things.

 

The hardest thing will be in not being able to do anything about what your dw does.  

 

This book will be helpful:  http://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Disorder-Survival-Second-Edition/dp/1606235427

 

Please hold tight to the simple things of God.    And know that your Heavenly Parents and Savior know of your struggles in each moment.  They absolutely will help you every way you will let Them.   Making inviting Them into your life a priority.  Focus just on following Their example, and leaning into the hope in Christ that saves, rather than doctrinal things or mysteries.  Given her manifestations, I would avoid overt religious topics generally.    (And find some peaceful place in your live each day to nurture:  this is not an easy road.)

Edited July 27, 2015 by rpn

[Meadowchik]

I don't really have advice but wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry it's so rough and there are people who understand that this can be extremely difficult and more than we can imagine.

 

May God bless you and yours!

[coolcats]

Thanks everyone for responding.  It's nice to know people do listen.  There were a couple questions I saw that I wanted to answer.  First the bishop does know.  In fact, her initial breakdown was very public.  She was YW president at camp when this started to happen this time.  I think the stress of being in charge with the lack of sleep overwhelmed her.  So it was very public.  I was irritated at one of the bishopric counselors, who basically at first said she was experiencing the buffetings of satan, when in fact it is a deeply rooted mental illness.  But I think the Bishop gets it.  She was released about three weeks ago, and in retrospect, I should have probably spoken up when the call was issued 6 months ago.  She has had two previous episodes, but had been stable for a number of years on medication.

 

As for medication, she is actually on three different medications.  They tried lithium in the hospital, but she reacted badly to it and got tremors.  So she is on a cocktail of three others.  She had been on a single med for almost 10 years, but apparently it wore off, contributing to this.  What's worrying to me is it's been over a month and the delusions are still coming.

 

After the hospital, she has been participating in an intensive outpatient program 3 days a week for 3 hours each.  We also set up family counseling, but right now it feels like a lot of what we talk about just sort of deflects off because she's not thinking clearly.  I just want the craziness to stop.  Hopefully soon, but it's scary not knowing when or if.

[thesometimesaint]

My heart goes out to you. Keep encouraging to take her meds, and going to counseling. I would encourage you to continue go yourself. Unfortunately it often takes many years of trial and error to get the right combinations, and they sometimes lose effectiveness, as we develop a type of tolerance to them. It is a long and hard road you are on. Keep hanging in there.

[longview]

This is a terrifying "mist of darkness" you are going through.  Please hang on and hold firmly to the word of God.  He will help you thru this and reward you greatly when the trial is over.  Please review the song "Master the Tempest is Raging" (I really love the last verse), Nephi's vision of the "Tree of Life" (see 1 Nephi chapter 11), Book of Job, the tests of Abraham, and Joseph Smith's experience at Liberty Jail.  God truly does love you!

[HappyJackWagon]

Sorry to hear this. That is incredibly difficult. A couple of years ago I had a good friend experience a very similar thing. She thought God was telling her all kinds of unusual things which resulted in her making some very damaging accusations against people. Fortunately for her and her family she was institutionalized for over a month where they were able to get her on helpful medications to help control her bi-polar/schizophrenic episodes. It has helped tremendously. There can be light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck.

[jwhitlock]

I think it's good to reiterate what others have said - it can be a long road, and patience is needed. That's tough to hear when you're in the middle of the situation, but it takes time to tune the meds, and as you mentioned, they can become ineffective over time. There's always some tuning that's needed. There are side effects to be considered (emotional flatness and detachment, for instance) and trade-offs to be evaluated.

 

Has your bishop referred you to LDS Social Services? That will also be a good resource.

 

Be prepared for people, including church leaders, who don't fully understand what is going on with mental illness. The demographics of church members often reflects those of the people they live among, and most people in our society don't understand mental illness until they have some experience with it. People may be well meaning and want to help, but may give suggestions or make statements that don't reflect an understanding of what's actually happening. These can be frustrating, but it's important that you ignore those and don't dwell on them. Let them go. You don't need the added stress of anger or frustration in dealing with this.

 

The combination of knowledgeable medical help, medication, faith, prayer, and priesthood blessings are what we have used in our family. We also network with supportive people who know what we're experiencing and who can be there for us when we're struggling. The mental illnesses we've seen in our family have been bipolar, traumatic brain injury, depression, anxiety and Alzheimer's / dementia. We've associated with others who have family members who have struggled with these. The combination of good medical help and faith is very powerful in helping people through these illnesses and it's not limited just to members of the church, but includes members of other faiths. God is very aware of those who struggle (as Elder Holland noted) with these illnesses and He does help us.

 

Be patient, work through the treatments, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Tacenda]

Coolcats, maybe she needs a good dose of reality. Maybe she needs to know that the church has it's problems, church history and humans made mistakes. Could that shake something from within? Right now she might be where the Julie Rowe's are or the end of times people are. Maybe the recent legalization of gay marriage in the US. Or things she is hearing at church are contributing to her behaviour.

Has she been in other faith paradigms? What is her faith history, if you don't mind me asking.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Tacenda

[The Nehor]

Coolcats, mabe she needs a good dose of reality. Maybe she needs to know that the church has it's problems, church history and humans made mistakes. Could that shake something from within?

I have never seen anyone reason their way out of mental illness.

[Avatar4321]

I'll keep you in my prayers. I cannot imagine.

[Tacenda]

Deleted..too personal, possible derail.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Tacenda

[coolcats]

I don't know her medical condition through and through as you know. I just know that women can have different emotions, men also. What if she is just so into something deep inside her mind she just needs something to snap her out of it? I don't mean to diagnose.

 

 

While I appreciate your concern, this is not something she can overcome with rationality.  What she is experiencing goes way beyond just upbringing or culture.  There is something in her mind that is literally perceiving the world differently than reality. If I were to try to have her "snap out of it", she would not comprehend it.  She might believe that I was possessed by the devil, but she wouldn't see it as an attempt to find balance.

 

To answer your question, she does come from a very strong and opinionated LDS family and has pretty much been surrounded by the culture her whole life.  But it's not even naivety or lack of experience with other cultures.  Her mind is racing and basically latching on to this aspect of her life and running away with it.  There is something, mostly chemical, that needs to be brought into balance.  The good that she has known is taken and magnified until it is totally out of balance.

[Hikinggal]

Coolcats,

 

My heart goes out to you and your family.  If you already do not have NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) on your Favorites list in your web browser I would highly suggest you check them out.  The resources available through them are invaluable.  No one should ever have to navigate through mental illness within a family member alone.  Surround yourself with a strong support team who UNDERSTANDS mental illness.  You do not have to be alone in this.