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Married Folks-How Did You Know They Were The One?


Duncan

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I was wondering if the married folks on this board had some kind of a moment where they somehow knew that their future spouse was to be a person if interest? I know some people see the person for the first time and then they know and others know them for awhile but then they start dating and it goes along from there -thoughts?

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He hit me over the head with his club and I woke up in his cave.

We've pretty much been an item since then.

(okay, okay, lots of prayer, going to the temple, I even got a blessing because I was worried I was confusing my own feelings with the whispering of the Spirit, ultimately, I received personal revelation.)

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We dated first and got to know each other and it seemed very right, but I was very good at secondguessing myself in those days and the relationship wasn't at all what I had idealized was going to happen, so I told the Lord if he wasn't going to hit me over the head with a confirmation, if it wasn't right he better at least throw a stumblingblock in the road....which never happened until right after we were married (due to a depression caused by some medication) and I was already committed by then, lol. Good thing too, because I did get the confirmation about a year after we were married that this was exactly where I was supposed to be and the person I was supposed to be with and while things have been up and down from time to time (mainly health issues that we both have to struggle with integrating into our lives), I have never doubted since that time 30+ years ago. I am not the kind of person who hears bells and whistles when the loved one walks into the room, it is more for me of it just being natural that he is there and there is a huge void when he is not which totally surprised me because I was an introverted loner before I met him.

Edited by calmoriah
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For me, it was a shock of recognition- I knew this woman even though I'd never met her before.

She once told me (and later denied saying it) that when she first saw me, she knew she'd made a mistake in marrying another.

We remained friends for several years (I was a trusted confidante and a shoulder to cry on- definitely in the "friend zone"). Out of a sense of honor and obligation, I ruthlessly quashed any romantic feelings or impulses I felt toward her.

Once her divorce was finalized, I asked her parents for permission to court her (she was out of town at the time).

Her first question on returning was, "If we get married, will you adopt the kids?"

We were married within three months, and (unfortunately) divorced seven years later (mostly (but not entirely) because of her father's meddling).

Since then we've remained good friends, and I've done my best to be a good father to our daughters.

We've tried several times to put it back together- but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out.

I've stood by her side every bit as faithfully as if we had remained married- and we haven't given up hope yet.

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I don't have a huge spiritual story to share. I lived in the same stake as my future-wife in high school, but she is a few years younger than me so our social circles didn't cross much. By the time she was 16, we had met at a few parties and dances, and I had dated enough girls to know that my future-wife was something really, really rare. We dated more and more before my mission, then she went to Ricks while I was on my mission and dated a few guys. When I got back, she was there, and we saw each other every day that summer. I never even thought about asking anyone else out. She went back to Ricks, I proposed when she was back for Christmas, and we were married the next summer.

Like I said, there was never a "spiritual" lightning bolt or anything. I just knew that I loved her on many different levels, and that I still wanted to be with her 50 years from now. We've been married 15 years, and I've never forgotten how lucky I am that I lived near her and we ended up getting married. Almost every day I'll tell her "I'm the luckiest guy in the world", and I really believe that. I really feel like I hit the marriage lottery.

On some level, I believe that there are lots of people that we can marry and be happy; I don't subcribe to the idea of "The One". But I have to admit that I've never met anyone else that I thought "Hmmmm, if things hadn't worked out that person could have been an option..." Obviously I haven't been looking, but there you go.

Edited by cinepro
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I think one can fall in love with someone after marriage and there have been certainly plenty of marriages that have not involve romantic feelings in the past that would have been looked on as successes by both participants, so if you mean there can't be love at the end if there isn't love at the start I would disagree with you....it certainly makes things much, much nicer though in my experience.

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Yes!

Agreed. Without love - the feeling - the two never become one, and it is not a good thing to be together, yet separate. Commitment, however well-intentioned, cannot last without it.

Edited by Log
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I think one can fall in love with someone after marriage and there have been certainly plenty of marriages that have not involve romantic feelings in the past that would have been looked on as successes by both participants, so if you mean there can't be love at the end if there isn't love at the start I would disagree with you....it certainly makes things much, much nicer though in my experience.

I think he means that if people don't fall in love with each other then all the decisions in the world to commit and love won't make a difference. At least that is how I read it.

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I can't say that there was ever any giant sign or spiritual feeling about my hubby. We dated for about 5 weeks before he proposed and were married 5 months after that (going on 12 years in september). I'm certainly not bragging about any of that-sometimes i shudder when i realize how crazy we were!

I did the praying and the fasting part and always felt good about our relationship. Moreso than that though, we were just so obviously perfect for each other. From the day we started dating to the day we got married we were together every single day so we knew each other very well. And we had so much fun together!

He was my best friend and he still is. It was just so second nature to marry him-not love at first sight or lightening bolts in the sky, but just obvious that i couldn't possibly have a better relationship with anyone else (not to say we both couldn't have been happy with someone else, but not happier) so as dumb as it sounds-it really was a no brainer.

As Phoebe from "Friends" would say-He is my lobster. :D

Edited by bluebell
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I'm not married anymore, but I am still sealed to her. Absolutely! Does that surprise anybody?

We dated for about 6 months while going to the young adult single ward. She was on the activities committee, which was a blast. I fell in love with her after three months, and I admit, I was not as logical as I should have been. Knowing I was in love, I prayed about it. No answer for 3 more months. Then I got it - that familiar peaceful, clear-as-bell, endorsement . It was the night after I got the answer that I proposed. After an evening at her parents house, we kissed each other goodnight, then, in the rain on that dark evening and soaking wet, I got on one knee, looked up, and asked her.

Of course, it was an all or nothing moment, like it should be. Time seemed to stand still as it has for men throughout time. She took the ring of course and said yes!

It was awesome.

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I'm not married anymore, but I am still sealed to her. Absolutely! Does that surprise anybody?

We dated for about 6 months while going to the young adult single ward. She was on the activities committee, which was a blast. I fell in love with her after three months, and I admit, I was not as logical as I should have been. Knowing I was in love, I prayed about it. No answer for 3 more months. Then I got it - that familiar peaceful, clear-as-bell, endorsement . It was the night after I got the answer that I proposed. After an evening at her parents house, we kissed each other goodnight, then, in the rain on that dark evening and soaking wet, I got on one knee, looked up, and asked her.

Of course, it was an all or nothing moment, like it should be. Time seemed to stand still as it has for men throughout time. She took the ring of course and said yes!

It was awesome.

I too am divorced but still sealed, which when I get remarried I would want to look at annuling. Although I can't imagine God honoring the first sealing if we got divorced, but that's another thread!

Edited by Duncan
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I was wondering if the married folks on this board had some kind of a moment where they somehow knew that their future spouse was to be a person if interest? I know some people see the person for the first time and then they know and others know them for awhile but then they start dating and it goes along from there -thoughts?

I can't say as I knew. I went without food for at least three days...I can't remember for sure...it might've been longer...I defintely wanted God to be happy about it too...no objections came from the spritiual realm...so I asked her...she said yes...as expected...and here we are...thirty happy years later...

Today, youthful passion subsided, I love her much better than ever. If she goes before me...oh God take me soon after! I don't want to be by myself.

Edited by 3DOP
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I too am divorced but still sealed, which when I get remarried I would want to look at annuling. Although I can't imagine God honoring the first sealing if we got divorced, but that's another thread!

I can! If he also said it was time to get divorced. Circumstances and lack of knowledge prevents us from understanding why God might.

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There is no such thing as 'the one'. God will give confirmation to your decision but I do not believe you will receive personal revelation on who to marry. You make the choice and God will let you know if it is a good idea, but there are hundreds if not thousands of candidates that would make a great partner. We became friends, we laughed at each others jokes, and we shared a lot in common. I had a list of requirements that she met and she had a list that I met. I dated a lot of young ladies and had a lot of fun, and I got to know the type of person I wanted to marry and when I found the type I wanted, well, we got married.

There is no such think as the perfect match, and the older one gets, the more difficult it gets to find a good match because life experiences take away our sense of adventure and we become much more picky. Do not pray to find the one, pray to be one that someone else would be willing to marry. Prepare yourself and move on with your life. Do not seek to be liked, but seek to be likable. Do not seek to find the perfect partner, but seek to be the perfect partner. And if you find someone that you get along with and you enjoy spending time with, and if you are both mentally and emotionally on the same level, what more could you ask for?

Very well said.

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Met her immediately after coming home from my mission. She was the one of the greeters in our student branch (wise Branch President). Dated many other girls over the next few months but always had a feeling she was the best of the lot. One day I told my roommate I was tired of dating and he said "Why don't you date ______?" Went to the phone and asked her out. We are now 35 years into the best experience of my life.

To answer the OP, yes, there was a very definite confirmation that this was the correct thing to do. Actually, both of us had that experience at different times and in different places. God knew it would work and 5 kids and 13 grandkids agree. MW :air_kiss:

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When I first saw my wife across the room in biology class at BYU, two thoughts flitted through my mind: First, I thought she was 27 or so (she was 20, and I was 22). It's not that she looked chronologically 27. She just seemed very composed. Mature. Dignified. Second, I thought she had the biggest, most luminous, most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen, and that she was way out of my league.

She soon caught on that I was stealing glances at her, so one day she sat down next to me and introduced herself. We started studying together and became fast friends. After a few weeks of that I asked her out. We hit it off. We continued to date and by the end of that semester we were talking about marriage. She went home to Washington State for the summer and I went to jump school in Georgia. We wrote to each other. A lot. Absence made the heart grow fonder. I flew up and visited her and met her family. During my visit I proposed and she accepted. We had a six-month engagement and were married over Christmas break.

That was sixteen years ago. We now have six children. I'm a lawyer and she's at home with the kids. She works very hard, and so do I. I love her to distraction, and she loves me the same way. Raising a large family is fatiguing, but worth every effort.

So how did I know she was "The One?" Here are some thoughts:

1. I felt differently about her. I dated several girls after my mission. Quite a few, actually. Several of these girls shared many of my wife's attributes (gentle, kind, intelligent, fun, devoted to the Restored Gospel, easy on the eyes, etc.). And yet I did not feel a strong "sparkage," as my wife's family calls it, with these other girls. "Clickage," yes, but no "sparkage." Then I met my wife-to-be, and lo! There was clickage! And then sparkage! And then, eventually, six kids! So to some extent, I ascertained my wife was "The One" by differentiating my feelings for her as compared to to other young women of my acquaintance.

2. We were friends first. This allowed us to get to know each other in a more well-rounded way than if we had focused on romance from the get-go.

3. We found the middle ground between going too slow (and thus belaboring/frustrating the transition from friendship to romance) and going too fast (which runs the risk of skipping over the foundation that friendship can provide in a romantic relationship).

4. We were each living in such a way as to allow the Spirit to communicate with us. Neither of us were/is perfect, of course. Far from it. But we were striving to keep the commandments. We also each sought out spiritual guidance about our relationship as things progressed. The confirmation we both felt came on cumulatively, with a few particularly clear "signals" along the way.

5. We were honest with each other. We never put on any sort of show or pretense for each other. And when we started sharing our feelings for each other, that honesty and lack of pretense helped us avoid confusion and second-guessing.

Thanks,

-Smac

Edited by smac97
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