Avatar4321 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 My wife and I invited my teenage niece into our home a few months ago. Her relationship with her parents has deteriorated and she was not getting the education she needs.She has alot of problems. I'm very worried about her but I have no clue what to do. I still feel completely inexperienced as a father. I don't know my niece like my wife does. I have no clue how to raise a teenage girl. I didn't understand them when I was a teenager. They are weirder now.Any advice or resources that might be able to help me?
jkwilliams Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You might have her see a therapist, who can evaluate what's going on and recommend a course of action. 3
Duncan Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 There are parenting classes available-just be honest with her, just say hey I am new at this too so help me out! 2
ERayR Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) My wife and I invited my teenage niece into our home a few months ago. Her relationship with her parents has deteriorated and she was not getting the education she needs.She has alot of problems. I'm very worried about her but I have no clue what to do. I still feel completely inexperienced as a father. I don't know my niece like my wife does. I have no clue how to raise a teenage girl. I didn't understand them when I was a teenager. They are weirder now.Any advice or resources that might be able to help me? Now you see what her parents were going through. Edited October 20, 2015 by ERayR
ksfisher Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 https://providentliving.lds.org/lds-family-services?lang=eng
Garden Girl Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I don't envy you... if you can get her to see a therapist as jkw suggested, I think that would be so very helpful. Particularly if she has "a lot of problems." She may have problems you're just not equiped to handle...How has her attitude been so far with you and your wife? GG
jkwilliams Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I don't envy you... if you can get her to see a therapist as jkw suggested, I think that would be so very helpful. Particularly if she has "a lot of problems." She may have problems you're just not equiped to handle...How has her attitude been so far with you and your wife? GG What she said. The bottom line for me is that you have said you don't feel you have the experience or knowledge to deal with her problems, so it would not be in her best interest or yours to try and do this alone without help. An outside expert, such as a therapist, can not only assess the issues but point you to resources and a course of action. I have 6 children, and every one of them has presented their own challenges. My oldest, for example, is on the autism spectrum, but we didn't understand that until we had him assessed at the BYU clinic, and they were able to tell us what was going and help us find useful resources. It's still not easy, but at least we know what we're dealing with. It's incredibly generous and kind of you to take her in, but don't try to do it alone. 1
Avatar4321 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I don't have the knowledge or experience to raise a teenage girl. Period. Not sure what to do about that.
jkwilliams Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I don't have the knowledge or experience to raise a teenage girl. Period. Not sure what to do about that.The good news is that no one does. We have raised 3 boys and 3 girls, and we still don't have the knowledge or experience to do it well. But they've all turned out just fine. Don't try to do it alone. A good counselor/therapist can help her and you. 1
ERayR Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 The good news is that no one does. We have raised 3 boys and 3 girls, and we still don't have the knowledge or experience to do it well. But they've all turned out just fine. Don't try to do it alone. A good counselor/therapist can help her and you. In addition much prayer time.
jkwilliams Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 In addition much prayer time. I take that as given for a church member.
bluebell Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Teenagers are hard! My oldest is almost 14 and I feel like my child has been replaced by a surly alien. And he's a good kid with straight a's and a pretty low sense of rebellion/risk taking! I wouldn't have a clue how to handle him if he was actually difficult. 1
jkwilliams Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Teenagers are hard! My oldest is almost 14 and I feel like my child has been replaced by a surly alien.And he's a good kid with straight a's and a pretty low sense of rebellion/risk taking! I wouldn't have a clue how to handle him if he was actually difficult. My mom always said that just about the time you begin to like your teenagers again, they leave home.
Calm Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Always be honest (don't be hit in the face blunt, but don't sugarcoat or say something you hope will be true to make her feel better) and only promise what you are absolutely sure you can deliver and try not to say conditionals (we will be able to go if....) so there is any way that some of it can be ignored and then used as a promise. This may or may not be manipulation on kids' parts, but they need to believe you are reliable and they can trust your word..so if your life is chaotic and plans must be changed a lot, better not to commit to any certain plan and emphasize having a list you all want to achieve but knowing which is going to get done when isn't something you can do, definitely not without her help, with her help you might be able to approach a routine.Seeing as this is a new addition, keeping life simple as possible might be a good idea and then when time opens up unexpectedly do something fun.Putting things in writing and having both sign if you want to work on stuff together, even fun stuff, might be a good idea...but never break the contract you make, write in penalties that you and she are willing to pay if it has to happen. Try as much as possible for everyone to have realistic expectations.She might break the rules to test to see if you love and care, just completely forgiving her and letting her off may show love, but not care...that you care about will be shown in your efforts to help her achieve...not using agreements as a stick for punishing, but as a tool to achieve a better relationship together and better life for each.And if possible, encourage her to have friends with a safe family she enjoys being with so you can trade keeping an eye on the kids and you and your wife have a date at least every other week, but better once a week...and preferably not just grocery or other shopping, but something fun or relaxing.There is probably an elist or board of lds families with teens out there, an online support group. That might be helpful for you and your wife.Big thing, talk to your wife a lot, you two must be on the same page and be able to support each other so neither becomes the bad guy and the other isn't stuck in the middle. Edited October 21, 2015 by Calm
Calm Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Find out what her passions are...reading, sports, etc and if possible get her involved in them but not overbooked. You want her involved in what she enjoys to avoid slow, boring times that might lead to poor judgment calls on her part, but not so scheduled that she feels she has no control over her life even if she was the one who booked herself up so much.
Calm Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Isn't there a program to have a tracking device on a phone? If she has her own phone, you might look into apps advertising to help with kids, whether on her phone or yours or both.
Calm Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Another thought...tons of self help books out there, including focusing on helping teens with depression, anxiety, selfesteem...I can't tell you the best ones out there, too out of date, this is where an online group or therapist could be helpful.If she is cooperative and likes to read herself, allowing her to choose from a list of recommendations which one she wants...then getting yourself a copy too so you have stuff to talk about if that is a problem.ACT (said as a word, not as letters) appears to me the current favourite therapy, also known as mindfulness. This was recommended by my daughter's therapist, it is a development of earlier cognitive reality therapies which were to me the obviously most effective approach for most people when I was getting my psych degree eons ago. I like the Austrailia site as it is heavier into actual research and is less into the pop mushy stuff that becomes attached to effective therapies. You could start by checking out that stuff. If you are unsure what website I am talking about...it should be on the first page of googling "mindfulness" but iirc, not at the top...let me know and I will find it for you. Edited October 21, 2015 by Calm
rpn Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 You are four months into this and just now thinking you need help? It is tough to suggest help without knowing what kind of help is needed. 1) Most girls start acting out after a traumatic event, and they don't necessarily tell anyone about. So if one starts acting out with no known cause, someone who has some skills in listening should outright ask them whether anyone has hurt them, or whether they have seen or dealt with some trauma that they haven't received help for. This has to be someone who will not come unglued at what is disclosed. 2) Every young person needs to know that they are loved uncondtionally. Parents seem to have a tough time being understood that way by troubled teens, sometimes deservedly so. But we can help the teen know that their Heavenly Parents, and their Savior does, however lame they think their earthly parents are at doing so. 3) Boundaries and natural consequences and cause and effect are critical elements of a good foundation for a happy life. But relationships generaly matter more than rules. 4) Work with young people, rather than assigning them work. It is easy for them to feel put upon (and to miss learning how to work, or how to finish the project in a way they can be proud of or up to appropriate standards), if they are sent out to work with parents are inside with entertainment. 5) Fill your home with uplifting music, books, activities, and movies. They all invite the spirit rather than interfere with it or discourage it.\ 6) Do not violate a teen's privacy, put a tracker on the phone/car until or unless the teen has behaved irresponsibly. Give them a second, third and more chance after a suitable interval with increased supervision. PM me if you want to discuss this -- I've raised a number of troubled kiddos. Also check out Richard and Linda Eyre's website.If you come to the point of thinking a residential treatment program, Anasazi Foundation is the only one I know that is truly effective.
Calm Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 She might want to track you...i was thinking more of a feeling secure by each other knowing where you are, but my daughter had anxiety issues and such things were important to her.
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