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Blue Day


ERayR

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Such a blue day sitting here looking out the window at a very cold, windy day with snow swirling and cold seeping in.  As you may have guessed I do not hold winter in very high regard and the cold, snowy weather has come 3 - 4 weeks early this year.

 

Better go get a cup of hot chocolate.

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I'm trying to remember where you are, ERayR... I too am looking out at a gray, rainy day... the trees are bare of leaves, their trunks and branches black against the sky... interspersed are the green pines.

 

This is the season when both my sis and I can get a sense of melancholy as Thanksgiving approaches... to us it was never Thanksgiving unless we went home to our childhood home in So Cal to be with our folks.  When I moved to San Fran it was straight down Hwy 5... when I moved to Oregon, again it was down Hwy 5 but this time through the Siskyous... a winding stretch with numerous cut-backs just north of the CA border. 

But now our folks are gone... the house has been sold... my sis is 1500 miles away... I am alone... and my heart aches with longing for my family and all the happy times when we gathered around the table to enjoy the beautiful meal my mom prepared... we'd help with some of the items and it was always such a good time in the kitchen.   

After dinner we'd gather in the living room, stuffed but almost ready for pie, while we exchanged Christmas gifts because we would not make the trip again in Dec.  It was Thanksgiving that held the meaning for us. 

I used to wonder if the people that bought the house knew of the memories contained therein... memories of two girls aged 9 and 12, delighted to move into the new home with our folks... two girls who grew into teens... the boys that used to come to pick us up for dates... becoming active in Church and kneeling in the living room for family prayer... the backyard barbecues around the fire ring... ping pong and badmitten with the Elders when mom would invite them to dinner... (19-21 year old Elders seemed so grown up to this 16 year old who loved to shyly flirt with them... just enough but careful not to cross any lines... they loved it)... two girls growing into women, finally bringing their husbands "home"... the people who bought the house cannot know how I miss my family and look back now, barely able to hold back the tears... remembering... remembering...

 

from the beach on a gray, cold day... GG

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I'm trying to remember where you are, ERayR... I too am looking out at a gray, rainy day... the trees are bare of leaves, their trunks and branches black against the sky... interspersed are the green pines.

 

This is the season when both my sis and I can get a sense of melancholy as Thanksgiving approaches... to us it was never Thanksgiving unless we went home to our childhood home in So Cal to be with our folks.  When I moved to San Fran it was straight down Hwy 5... when I moved to Oregon, again it was down Hwy 5 but this time through the Siskyous... a winding stretch with numerous cut-backs just north of the CA border. 

But now our folks are gone... the house has been sold... my sis is 1500 miles away... I am alone... and my heart aches with longing for my family and all the happy times when we gathered around the table to enjoy the beautiful meal my mom prepared... we'd help with some of the items and it was always such a good time in the kitchen.   

After dinner we'd gather in the living room, stuffed but almost ready for pie, while we exchanged Christmas gifts because we would not make the trip again in Dec.  It was Thanksgiving that held the meaning for us. 

I used to wonder if the people that bought the house knew of the memories contained therein... memories of two girls aged 9 and 12, delighted to move into the new home with our folks... two girls who grew into teens... the boys that used to come to pick us up for dates... becoming active in Church and kneeling in the living room for family prayer... the backyard barbecues around the fire ring... ping pong and badmitten with the Elders when mom would invite them to dinner... (19-21 year old Elders seemed so grown up to this 16 year old who loved to shyly flirt with them... just enough but careful not to cross any lines... they loved it)... two girls growing into women, finally bringing their husbands "home"... the people who bought the house cannot know how I miss my family and look back now, barely able to hold back the tears... remembering... remembering...

 

from the beach on a gray, cold day... GG

 

I live east of you in south central Idaho.  I have not been much for winter for a long time but I think it worse this year as the holidays approach.  My wife passed in July and then my granddaughter who lived with me was killed in September.  I am well aware that I still have much to be thankful for but for now my world is much darker than it was this time last year and cold , snowy, overcast days do not make me feel better.

 

Boot straps where are you. :)

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Cloudy 70 degrees F. where I live.

 

Hello TSS...

I remember occasionally putting the finishing touches on the Christmas Tree in 80 degree weather... Rialto/San Bernardino, CA.

 

GG

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Hello TSS...

I remember occasionally putting the finishing touches on the Christmas Tree in 80 degree weather... Rialto/San Bernardino, CA.

 

GG

 

The onlly problem with living where that kind of temperatures are is that you have to put up with all those other people.

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I live east of you in south central Idaho.  I have not been much for winter for a long time but I think it worse this year as the holidays approach.  My wife passed in July and then my granddaughter who lived with me was killed in September.  I am well aware that I still have much to be thankful for but for now my world is much darker than it was this time last year and cold , snowy, overcast days do not make me feel better.

 

Boot straps where are you. :)

 

I remember your loss and have included you in my prayers... I too am thankful for my life... my little cottage... that I have been retired for 24 years and have not had to go back to work... if I'm careful, I should be all right...  My dear husband passed away on Dec 26 after 9 days in intensive care... so my Christmas holidays were never the same.

This year, I'm going to join my ward family at the Church for a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings... last year we had 60 people attend.  I volunteered to cook one of the 25 lb turkeys, and make some dressing... So I will be around those I care about and I know who care about me... Bless our little, wonderful ward...

 

GG 

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I remember your loss and have included you in my prayers... I too am thankful for my life... my little cottage... that I have been retired for 24 years and have not had to go back to work... if I'm careful, I should be all right...  My dear husband passed away on Dec 26 after 9 days in intensive care... so my Christmas holidays were never the same.

This year, I'm going to join my ward family at the Church for a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings... last year we had 60 people attend.  I volunteered to cook one of the 25 lb turkeys, and make some dressing... So I will be around those I care about and I know who care about me... Bless our little, wonderful ward...

 

GG 

 

Amen

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I live east of you in south central Idaho.  I have not been much for winter for a long time but I think it worse this year as the holidays approach.  My wife passed in July and then my granddaughter who lived with me was killed in September.  I am well aware that I still have much to be thankful for but for now my world is much darker than it was this time last year and cold , snowy, overcast days do not make me feel better.

 

Boot straps where are you. :)

We are having a very early "snow day" here in Oregon. Not much snow in my immediate area, a combo of snow/sleet and some wind. They closed all the public schools (I can remember exactly one time when school was closed when I grew up in the Midwest) and my firm's policy is we are closed if the schools are closed. I am grateful for that policy as bad weather driving is trickier here than in the Midwest and my job isn't worth injuring myself or totaling my car for.

But I am having a love/hate relationship with my snow day. Love being away from the stress of work, but being home by myself feels so lonely sometimes. And while I love the holidays, I get rather melancholy and admit to some jealousy of those who have spouses and families to share them with.

I get that the holidays will be especially difficult for you this year. I am not sure why, but I feel prompted to share the advice that I received four years ago - don't try to avoid the pain, the only way to get to the other side is to go through, not by avoiding it.

And ignore those people who expect you to "get over it". You don't get over the loss of a loved one, but you do learn how to live with it.

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We are having a very early "snow day" here in Oregon. Not much snow in my immediate area, a combo of snow/sleet and some wind. They closed all the public schools (I can remember exactly one time when school was closed when I grew up in the Midwest) and my firm's policy is we are closed if the schools are closed. I am grateful for that policy as bad weather driving is trickier here than in the Midwest and my job isn't worth injuring myself or totaling my car for.

But I am having a love/hate relationship with my snow day. Love being away from the stress of work, but being home by myself feels so lonely sometimes. And while I love the holidays, I get rather melancholy and admit to some jealousy of those who have spouses and families to share them with.

I get that the holidays will be especially difficult for you this year. I am not sure why, but I feel prompted to share the advice that I received four years ago - don't try to avoid the pain, the only way to get to the other side is to go through, not by avoiding it.

And ignore those people who expect you to "get over it". You don't get over the loss of a loved one, but you do learn how to live with it.

 

The freeways were great today where I was in Portland, OR. Much better than usual. My Thursday route is 84 miles of PDX Metro Area and there weren't many cars out. With the weather forecast in mind, I started a little before 4 AM, skipped lunch, and when I left the yard in Troutdale for the day, it was coming down hard there...all snow. Glad to be home across the river.

Getting ready for a fire and some hot stew

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Such a blue day sitting here looking out the window at a very cold, windy day with snow swirling and cold seeping in.  As you may have guessed I do not hold winter in very high regard and the cold, snowy weather has come 3 - 4 weeks early this year.

 

Better go get a cup of hot chocolate.

Move to the promised land; Georgia. We have much shorter winters. Even better, I will be spending Thanksgiving week in Florida, and then in January a cruise for 7 days in the to Mexico, and a number of islands. I have promised my wide for years to take her on a cruise in the winter where it is war....she is very excited. Even better going with three couples who are close friends. But, I like cool weather, so it will be fun. But I get enough hot weather because I live in the South.
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Pa Pa, compare that to when, a year ago? When you were flat on your back! Glad you are able to travel to some fun places soon!

ERayR, you have every reason to be blue, whether it's the cold weather, or something else.

Some studies show that around or shortly after the holidays it can be depressing. Could be that we miss our loved ones who have passed, and nothing stays the same, especially around the holiday season

I've noticed with the temperature drop and the days shorter, it cuts my day in half. I just want to curl up by a fire or go to bed early with an electric blanket. I'd move in a minute to a warmer climate if I could.

Edited by Tacenda
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I don't do well at the winter holidays either. Back in about 1986, three horrible things happened.

We found out that my father had terminal lung cancer in November and was given 6 months to

live.

My husband at the time left me and started divorce proceedings, also in November.

In December my brother committed suicide and we had his funeral 3 days before Christmas, then had to turn around and try to make a happy Christmas morning for my 4 year old nephew who

kept asking where daddy was.

Then about three years ago, in September, my son's girlfriend, his best friend, and two siblings were killed in a horrible car accident when their car flipped into an irrigation ditch and landed upside down. All four drowned because they were unable to get out in the pitch dark of the night and the position of the car. They died a horrible, terrifying death.

This time of year is a curse on my very soul, and I

heartily wish there was some way I could avoid it altogether.

Sorry if this is depressing, but since we are sharing... Anyway, thanks for listening.

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I live east of you in south central Idaho. I have not been much for winter for a long time but I think it worse this year as the holidays approach. My wife passed in July and then my granddaughter who lived with me was killed in September. I am well aware that I still have much to be thankful for but for now my world is much darker than it was this time last year and cold , snowy, overcast days do not make me feel better.

Boot straps where are you. :)

I am so sorry for your losses. Believe me, I know how you must have suffered, and probably still are. Sisterly hugs to you. I wish I could say something profound that would help, but I just can't think of anything. I wish someone could say something profound to me, too.

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Thank you, Garden Girl and Calmoriah. Sorry if I brought everybody down, but it was good to be able to talk about it. I guess I must keep in mind that my dad and brother's temple work is all done, and that those precious children will have an opportunity to hear the Gospel and that they have lost nothing, but stand to gain all Heavenly Father has to give them.

And that my ex-husband is going to go to Outer Darkness....

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It doesn't need to bring others down to hear of people's pain IMO. We can feel for their suffering and give them support while realising that is all we can do or should do, it does them no good to take on their pain or worry when realistically we can only listen (which is all we can do here, I am not suggesting if we know someone in person we should limit our help if we can offer more).

So I don't think anyone should feel bad about sharing tragedies, it is only if this is all the interaction they are seeking and it gives them no comfort but just reinforces the negative side of the suffering.

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It doesn't need to bring others down to hear of people's pain IMO. We can feel for their suffering and give them support while realising that is all we can do or should do, it does them no good to take on their pain or worry when realistically we can only listen (which is all we can do here, I am not suggesting if we know someone in person we should limit our help if we can offer more).

So I don't think anyone should feel bad about sharing tragedies, it is only if this is all the interaction they are seeking and it gives them no comfort but just reinforces the negative side of the suffering.

Thank you for your kind words, Calmoriah. I think I just needed to voice it, which I have never done before, believe it or not. It was good to kind of get it off my chest. I never had any counseling for any of this. Never had grief counseling which I probably should have done. Anyway, your kindness is most welcome and appreciated.

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When I have bad days I will tell people about it, adding I don't need fuss, don't need help, a little sympathy is always nice but not necessary...I just need someone to know I hurt and quite a bit though I know it will end relative soon (good drugs for most of it) because it helps soften the experience. I don't quite know what the feeling is, it is not that I feel alone and feel this less, it is most definitely not feeling like I am sharing it or wanting others to think I am brave maybe it is just a recognition of me from someone that this is hard for me. Pain makes me feel empty, it lessens me in a way I can't explain, it makes me not as rooted in the world and perhaps I feel a bit lost and isolated from others...this goes away when I know someone knows about it.

I doubt that my experience is identical to others but it seems to me that tragedy can set us adrift at times, disconnected, things aren't meant to be this way, etc. Someone acknowledging they are here and hear us, maybe that can be an anchor or throwing a rope out and dragging us back to the dock for some stability and rest for a time even if we get thrown again later on by something else.

So when it feels right to share pain or memories of sad times and you know the people so it will be safe, you should do so. We are a social people and social interaction can be a way for a gift of healing from God to reach us.

Edited by calmoriah
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Lately I haven't been able to kick my depression. It feels like ever since my FC, I've basically given up any contact with ward members or functions.

I had one friend whom I'd take to dr's visits or go walking with in the church. But lately she, although homebound, hasn't needed me as much. And my nearly all adult children don't either.

I stopped VT'ng and stopped them from VT'ng me. My calling is with helping a boy with special needs so I don't really get much interaction with other women. My two friends outside of the ward are really only when we go out as a group with our husbands and I don't have much in common with them.

I think I've relied on church to provide my friends all these years. And they were only friends during the specified calling period or visit teaching period. I think I really can't offer much to anyone ever since my obsession with church history and Joseph Smith's choices.

The only friends that know me are on these discussion boards and they really don't know me or my real name. It's a bizarre way to live. My job can't create friendships because I work at different schools to sub.

My semi friend who lived next door moved and lots of young families are moving in my neighborhood. Even if I found a friend our interests wouldn't match well since the church has become my obsession. Probably why I want everyone to also know, church essays, what I'm dealing with so as to have an excuse for my weirdness.

Last night I actually wanted to disappear, fade away since of late I've said some cruel things to hubby and don't deserve him. The pain is so bad I could go to a liquor store and buy something to just get wasted. But know that's not going to help really. It just feels so lonely not having a friend that checks in or I check in on. Or that we have something in common.

I've developed anxiety as I've already mentioned, to driving on the freeway so that limits me. Pretty sure these feelings stem from a thyroid condition and from post menopause. Like Silhouette, I guess I needed to let it out she has a good excuse. Mine is that I've no one to say this to, because it's getting so bad. I'll even avoid people wherever I go. Even when walking my dog, if I see someone I know, I'll re-route my walk. It's like if they see me as anything other than before my FC, I'll look like a monster or something, that's overdramatic but it's almost as bad. This journey has practically ruined my life.

Oh and before meeting and marrying my husband I had friends that weren't active and not living the WoW, so I basically let them go to live life as a dedicated LDS, so bye, bye to those friends, we've lost touch and don't believe I can repair that. Basically I'm a bad friend.

Recently a neighbor that kind of knows of my fall out because I let it out a little when running into her at a store, reached out. She's LDS but attends another church. She actually showed up on my doorstep and offered any help she could. I asked her if they had a women's Bible study group, and she said they were starting up one in a nearby location at someone's house. So she picks me up the following week and I brought some food because they have dinner before and she warned me beforehand that they have a glass of wine, but that's up to me. Well I decided to have one too, first time in 30 years. I barely drank it, but could already tell I wasn't going to like this way of studying and totally clammed up. Couldn't complete a sentence. I felt they knew the Lord and fully believed and I couldn't muster any conviction of that. I was a lame example of a member of the church.

Their church has a study guide to go along with their bible to study each week which was in paperback. And it was awesome. The only thing that killed it for me was not interacting well with these non LDS ladies. They weren't like my homies in the LDS church, But were as wonderful, but their conversation was so foreign to me. I've never felt so awkward in my life. The LDS gal has never been active as long as I've known her and is married to a Catholic. I remember going to her doorstep and reaching out to her during my calling in RS. So funny how she in turn reaches out to me. Back to the study group, I dropped out after that first week, pansy that I am.

I'll end my boring, me me me talk now, thankful for the Social "sounding off" board here. Hopefully I haven't derailed your topic too much ERayE. :(

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