Blue Day

[Buzzard]

This is easy for me to say, and often hard for me to do.  But the winter months have not often been kind to me as well.  In December 2003, we lost our son.  December 2004, I entered the hospital, did not leave for a month, almost kicked the bucket twice.  December 2007, I was diagnosed with cancer.  November 2010, I found out my cancer had returned.  January 2011, due to medical bills and the collapse of my business (hard to run a one man business when you are sick), we had to declare bankruptcy.  November 2013, back in the hospital for a week, I had gone into renal failure, which has stabilized.

HOWEVER-I love winter.  I enjoy getting up in the canyons on snowshoes, which I can still do despite the ongoing breakdown of my health.  I enjoy Christmas and the season tremendously, usually do most of the decorating around the home, And while I don't enjoy driving in it, to look out over a world turned to white overnight is one of life's little joys.

An awful lot is what you concentrate on. Like I said, sometimes harder to do than to say. 

[thesometimesaint]

The onlly problem with living where that kind of temperatures are is that you have to put up with all those other people.

 

I live in a small town by California standards. We have only about 40,000 people.

[ERayR]

Pa Pa, compare that to when, a year ago? When you were flat on your back! Glad you are able to travel to some fun places soon!

ERayR, you have every reason to be blue, whether it's the cold weather, or something else.

Some studies show that around or shortly after the holidays it can be depressing. Could be that we miss our loved ones who have passed, and nothing stays the same, especially around the holiday season

I've noticed with the temperature drop and the days shorter, it cuts my day in half. I just want to curl up by a fire or go to bed early with an electric blanket. I'd move in a minute to a warmer climate if I could.

 

My unscientific research shows that lots of big bugs and snakes also like the warmer climate areas. 

[ERayR]

I don't do well at the winter holidays either. Back in about 1986, three horrible things happened.

We found out that my father had terminal lung cancer in November and was given 6 months to

live.

My husband at the time left me and started divorce proceedings, also in November.

In December my brother committed suicide and we had his funeral 3 days before Christmas, then had to turn around and try to make a happy Christmas morning for my 4 year old nephew who

kept asking where daddy was.

Then about three years ago, in September, my son's girlfriend, his best friend, and two siblings were killed in a horrible car accident when their car flipped into an irrigation ditch and landed upside down. All four drowned because they were unable to get out in the pitch dark of the night and the position of the car. They died a horrible, terrifying death.

This time of year is a curse on my very soul, and I

heartily wish there was some way I could avoid it altogether.

Sorry if this is depressing, but since we are sharing... Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

I can truly understand.  May God bless you with peace and comfort.

[ERayR]

I am so sorry for your losses. Believe me, I know how you must have suffered, and probably still are. Sisterly hugs to you. I wish I could say something profound that would help, but I just can't think of anything. I wish someone could say something profound to me, too.

 

I have come to the conclusion that for things like this we just have to wear it out.

[ERayR]

This is easy for me to say, and often hard for me to do.  But the winter months have not often been kind to me as well.  In December 2003, we lost our son.  December 2004, I entered the hospital, did not leave for a month, almost kicked the bucket twice.  December 2007, I was diagnosed with cancer.  November 2010, I found out my cancer had returned.  January 2011, due to medical bills and the collapse of my business (hard to run a one man business when you are sick), we had to declare bankruptcy.  November 2013, back in the hospital for a week, I had gone into renal failure, which has stabilized.

HOWEVER-I love winter.  I enjoy getting up in the canyons on snowshoes, which I can still do despite the ongoing breakdown of my health.  I enjoy Christmas and the season tremendously, usually do most of the decorating around the home, And while I don't enjoy driving in it, to look out over a world turned to white overnight is one of life's little joys.

An awful lot is what you concentrate on. Like I said, sometimes harder to do than to say. 

 

Hope things are going better now.  I do not like winter.  As a child I liked it but too many years caring for livestock in inclement winter weather severely tarnished the glamor of winter for me.

[Tacenda]

My unscientific research shows that lots of big bugs and snakes also like the warmer climate areas. 

Ha ha, I'll remember that.  And when I think of "big bugs", I think of my worst fear...cockroaches!  I use to have to clean my Dad's rental units and once there was a sink full of them just as I was about to clean the kitchen sink, they crawled out of the disposal.  And snakes, that would probably mean Rattle Snakes or worse Anaconda snakes!!  I guess I'll try to be happy here along the Wasatch front in Utah for awhile longer .

[Jeanne]

Cloudy 70 degrees F. where I live.

Now this..I love.  A little warm and yet the sun is not beating down on you.  I have a hard time seeing in the sun so this sounds perfect!

[Jeanne]

Lately I haven't been able to kick my depression. It feels like ever since my FC, I've basically given up any contact with ward members or functions.

I had one friend whom I'd take to dr's visits or go walking with in the church. But lately she, although homebound, hasn't needed me as much. And my nearly all adult children don't either.

I stopped VT'ng and stopped them from VT'ng me. My calling is with helping a boy with special needs so I don't really get much interaction with other women. My two friends outside of the ward are really only when we go out as a group with our husbands and I don't have much in common with them.

I think I've relied on church to provide my friends all these years. And they were only friends during the specified calling period or visit teaching period. I think I really can't offer much to anyone ever since my obsession with church history and Joseph Smith's choices.

The only friends that know me are on these discussion boards and they really don't know me or my real name. It's a bizarre way to live. My job can't create friendships because I work at different schools to sub.

My semi friend who lived next door moved and lots of young families are moving in my neighborhood. Even if I found a friend our interests wouldn't match well since the church has become my obsession. Probably why I want everyone to also know, church essays, what I'm dealing with so as to have an excuse for my weirdness.

Last night I actually wanted to disappear, fade away since of late I've said some cruel things to hubby and don't deserve him. The pain is so bad I could go to a liquor store and buy something to just get wasted. But know that's not going to help really. It just feels so lonely not having a friend that checks in or I check in on. Or that we have something in common.

I've developed anxiety as I've already mentioned, to driving on the freeway so that limits me. Pretty sure these feelings stem from a thyroid condition and from post menopause. Like Silhouette, I guess I needed to let it out she has a good excuse. Mine is that I've no one to say this to, because it's getting so bad. I'll even avoid people wherever I go. Even when walking my dog, if I see someone I know, I'll re-route my walk. It's like if they see me as anything other than before my FC, I'll look like a monster or something, that's overdramatic but it's almost as bad. This journey has practically ruined my life.

Oh and before meeting and marrying my husband I had friends that weren't active and not living the WoW, so I basically let them go to live life as a dedicated LDS, so bye, bye to those friends, we've lost touch and don't believe I can repair that. Basically I'm a bad friend.

Recently a neighbor that kind of knows of my fall out because I let it out a little when running into her at a store, reached out. She's LDS but attends another church. She actually showed up on my doorstep and offered any help she could. I asked her if they had a women's Bible study group, and she said they were starting up one in a nearby location at someone's house. So she picks me up the following week and I brought some food because they have dinner before and she warned me beforehand that they have a glass of wine, but that's up to me. Well I decided to have one too, first time in 30 years. I barely drank it, but could already tell I wasn't going to like this way of studying and totally clammed up. Couldn't complete a sentence. I felt they knew the Lord and fully believed and I couldn't muster any conviction of that. I was a lame example of a member of the church.

Their church has a study guide to go along with their bible to study each week which was in paperback. And it was awesome. The only thing that killed it for me was not interacting well with these non LDS ladies. They weren't like my homies in the LDS church, But were as wonderful, but their conversation was so foreign to me. I've never felt so awkward in my life. The LDS gal has never been active as long as I've known her and is married to a Catholic. I remember going to her doorstep and reaching out to her during my calling in RS. So funny how she in turn reaches out to me. Back to the study group, I dropped out after that first week, pansy that I am.

I'll end my boring, me me me talk now, thankful for the Social "sounding off" board here. Hopefully I haven't derailed your topic too much ERayE.

I need you.  I really do. 

[Tacenda]

I need you.  I really do. 

I think that's really important, to be needed.  Thank you girl!

[Calm]

Tacenda, if your obsession is altering your life that much, I would recommend therapy. Just because it has to do with church doesn't make it any different from an obsession with germs or anything else. Therapy is really helping my daughter with her anxiety and she recently went on Prozac for her depression. She has a thyroid issue as well and takes meds to suppress it, but sometimes the thyroid is lazy so the meds are too strong and sometimes it goes into overdrive so it is a roller coaster ride.

Just do what you can medically speaking and please go get a therapist, I can give you my daughter's one as she is out by Provo Canyon but she also works with older women so if you would prefer someone closer to your own age I can get recommendations for you.

If your insurance restricts your choices, call them and get a list of providers for your area and then call and see how long you would have to wait to narrow it down and then ask around about them or just take a chance, that is what we did twice and both times have been happier than with the one recommended in years past. And you can always change if you don't mesh. I would suggest a woman though given the way you talk about things here, I think you would be more comfortable.

Edited November 14, 2014 by calmoriah

[Tacenda]

Tacenda, if your obsession is altering your life that much, I would recommend therapy. Just because it has to do with church doesn't make it any different from an obsession with germs or anything else. Therapy is really helping my daughter with her anxiety and she recently went on Prozac for her depression. She has a thyroid issue as well and takes meds to suppress it, but sometimes the thyroid is lazy so the meds are too strong and sometimes it goes into overdrive so it is a roller coaster ride.

Just do what you can medically speaking and please go get a therapist, I can give you my daughter's one as she is out by Provo Canyon but she also works with older women so if you would prefer someone closer to your own age I can get recommendations for you.

If your insurance restricts your choices, call them and get a list of providers for your area and then call and see how long you would have to wait to narrow it down and then ask around about them or just take a chance, that is what we did twice and both times have been happier than with the one recommended in years past. And you can always change if you don't mesh. I would suggest a woman though given the way you talk about things here, I think you would be more comfortable.

I would have loved that recommendation, but as I said I don't drive on the highway, so Provo Canyon area would feel too far. Not very long ago I called a marriage counselor and left a message with her secretary. But by the time she called back or her assistant did, I wasn't home and I never returned the call because things had gotten better with my husband and I, but soon enough I'm back to square one wishing I had someone to go to.

I know that people going through this crisis are getting help, I see it on other discussion boards, I don't know why I drag my feet. You and others are giving me the boost to just do it! Thanks Mom!

ETA: Forgot to mention, that I'm happy your daughter's doing better, she deserves some relief and to lead a normal, well as normal as possible life for once. What a courageous soul to have held up under those issues along side her Mother for so long. Here's hoping for more advance cures in the very near future.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Tacenda

[Calm]

Iirc, where you live, it looks like there are lots of therapists in the area...given the growth there not surprising, it is getting close to wall to wall people going up the sides of the mountains just like SL Valley.

One had the last name of Moody. What a perfect name for her job.

[Guest]

Sometimes, Silouette, all we can do is say... We Care... and we are glad you are here... and give you our encouragement and support.

 

GG

No wonder I love you my dear friend...you are wise and so kind!