Most Memorable Open Mic Sunday Experience?

[mormonnewb]

Fast and testimony meeting is my favorite part of our church services.

It's the time when I learn things about members of my ward family -- that they are converts or are 48th generation members; that they have never smoked or drank or chewed or went with those that do, or that they used to do all four things simultaneously. And sure, there are travelogues and "Timmy made 3rd grade honor role this semester" announcements to endure, but every so often, someone "makes the record scratch" so to speak. They say something that makes the kids stop playing Uno and the adults stop playing FarmVille.

In my brief tenure, this has only happened on three occasions (two of which I was responsible for). But on that third occasion someone arose to proclaim that Brother So-and-So had cheated her husband in a business deal and they would no longer be attending services with dishonest people. No one shouted "Uno" throughout the rest of the service.

I've heard that these kinds of "testimonies" happen outside of my crazy ward.

So what was your most shocking/hilarious/infuriating/puzzling F&T experience?

Edited November 8, 2014 by mormonnewb

[omni]

I wasn't there at the time, but in a former ward of mine, a man not from our ward announced (and named) that another man who was a member of our ward had been having an affair with his wife.

I learned a valuable lesson that day, never skip church on Fast Sundays.

[Doctrine 612]

A young man in our ward gave his testimony on what he learned from the attacks that used mustard gas, no one knew what he was talking about, but he kept say mustard gas this and mustard gas that.

So of our investigators were a little taken back by the comments.

[Sevenbak]

A relative of mine relates the story of in his ward, a very emotional woman finished her testimony, and apologized for being a big boob.  The Bishop, who was concluding the meeting got up and said, "That's alright, sister so-and-so, we like big boobs here.

 

This was a small farming community with humble, dust-of-the-earth folk.  He didn't even realize what he said for a few moments, then went beat red.

[Coreyb]

I had a very loud Tongan sister offer me one of her twin daughters as a wife over the pulpit. It wouldn't have been so bad but I was eighteen and they were fourteen, and she was dead serious.

[Duncan]

my sister and I would always cringe every time my Mum got up, she would air our weekly happenings and name names, "I learned about patience this week when Duncan traded his shoes for gum and he couldn't remember who he traded them to and then we found out he traded one shoe to one person and the other to another person...and I learned about healing when Hortense rolled down a hill and cut her arm open on an exposed metal thing"

 

Perfect

[ERayR]

my sister and I would always cringe every time my Mum got up, she would air our weekly happenings and name names, "I learned about patience this week when Duncan traded his shoes for gum and he couldn't remember who he traded them to and then we found out he traded one shoe to one person and the other to another person...and I learned about healing when Hortense rolled down a hill and cut her arm open on an exposed metal thing"

 

Perfect

 

Did you get your shoes back?

[Duncan]

Did you get your shoes back?

 

NO!!!!! but we got new ones

[Tacenda]

NO!!!!! but we got new ones

What a cute story Duncan!

 

I have just two to share but they aren't as cute.  When I was about 5 I remember getting up, back in the day that they'd bring the mike to you in the audience, and stood on the bench and started saying how thankful I was for everything and mentioned it all, including the garbage man. I'm sure I embarrassed my family.

 

Another time that I'll never forget because it was the only time I'd seen it happen, is when a single gal who I thought was super TBM and who I was visiting teaching at the time over 20 years ago, got up and told our ward that she was leaving the church.  Taking a church-cation, back when it wasn't in vogue I guess.  I don't know why this was the case because she moved shortly after.  But I remember just going all out to be her friend, and letting her know she's still loved.  I never asked why she wanted to do that, but remember she gave me a Michael Mclean book and cassette tape of "The Forgotten Carols".  And seemed to appreciate that I didn't probe or try to get her to keep coming to church. 

Edited November 8, 2014 by Tacenda

[The Nehor]

Had an old lady regale us with how the Angels were rearranging her mirrors again.

Another old lady announced that she was being raped by demons. (She later asked me to help cast them out)

One guy stood up and said that as this was the time for everyone to share their opinions he now would (uhhhh...really not what it is for) and attacked the ward for not helping enough when he and his wife both lost their jobs, talking about how no one was bringing them cooked meals. (They had both quit so had plenty of time to cook and as I was the clerk I knew we were helping to pay his mortgage and they were getting food). He also announced that his priesthood could not be taken from him via excommunication because he held it by right and not ordination and that his calling and election was made sure. He was excommunicated.

A woman stood up and condemned those who left the church over being offended. That month went with the missionaries to visit two members who stopped coming because of that "testimony".

And so many more.

[Rain]

Newb - you can't leave us hanging on the other two.

We had 3 people get up one Sunday and take most of the time. I don't remember what one said, but it wasn't a testimony. The second bore testimony of some book and now I want to know if it was the one talked of here. Last a senatorial candidate who lived in our ward bore testimony of how he works closely with "the brethren" and they find he is so humble.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Rain

[Jeanne]

Oh Wow..I have a couple of favorites.  Well, actually three.  First of all, I have always loved our girls camp firesides with the testimonies.  They were great and the girls (my friends and cousins) were sincere and more real in that setting.  One time we had a testimony meeting right after our sixteen year old friend was killed by a drunk driver.  The spirit there was immense and tender.  It changed a lot of people's ideas on the best way to enjoy and love life.  A tribute to be made.

 

On the funny side, in our ward we had a guy that just could not get up on fast meeting without talking about his dead mother.

Okay....but it got to where we knew what he was going to say and the young people could not stop from teetering..a little laughter and our parents wanted to bean us!  This happened all the time and so a girl friend of mine and I on Halloween decided to do a joke.  (I am not proud of this okay?)  But we sneaked to his house around the windows and said "Kudo....this is you Mooooother"

We did that several times and the following Fast meeting we heard all about it.      But I believe everyone has someone like that in their ward don't they?

 

We did have a non-member show up on fast meeting.  He went to the pulpit and really lit in on the scout program and about his non LDS son not really getting to participate.  (I don't know why)  but that was a  humdinger!

[ERayR]

Had an old lady regale us with how the Angels were rearranging her mirrors again.

Another old lady announced that she was being raped by demons. (She later asked me to help cast them out)

One guy stood up and said that as this was the time for everyone to share their opinions he now would (uhhhh...really not what it is for) and attacked the ward for not helping enough when he and his wife both lost their jobs, talking about how no one was bringing them cooked meals. (They had both quit so had plenty of time to cook and as I was the clerk I knew we were helping to pay his mortgage and they were getting food). He also announced that his priesthood could not be taken from him via excommunication because he held it by right and not ordination and that his calling and election was made sure. He was excommunicated.

A woman stood up and condemned those who left the church over being offended. That month went with the missionaries to visit two members who stopped coming because of that "testimony".

And so many more.

 

You do live in an "interesting" area.

[The Nehor]

I think my favorite experience was on my mission. One woman would get up and give us a day by day recounting of her life for the last month (I think she had notes). She would talk about her insipid goodness and her life of tedious monotony. It usually took 25 to 30 minutes. It was a real snoozer.

 

One day she was about 5 minutes into it when a little girl about 4 or 5 years old stood up on the pew and thrust both arms in front of her with both thumb pointing down and yelled out in a very loud voice: "BOOOOORRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!" No one did anything. The lady speaking glared at the parents as if expecting them to punish her. They rightly did not. From what I hear she tried to complain about the child for the rest of the three hour block and most of the sisters refused to join her in condemning the "rudeness" of the child. I know I gave the kid candy every week for the rest of the time I was in the area and the woman stopped bearing her "testimony" for the rest of the time I was there.

 

I love children.

[The Nehor]

You do live in an "interesting" area.

 

Most of these are not from where I live now.

[ERayR]

Newb - you can't leave us hanging on the other two.

We had 3 people get up one Sunday and take most of the time. I don't remember what one said, but it wasn't a testimony. The second bore testimony of some book and now I want to know if it was the one talked of here. Last a senatorial candidate who lived in our ward bore testimony of how he works closely with "the brethren" and they find he is so humble.

 

Humble politician.  You had to know that was not true.

[Tacenda]

I think my favorite experience was on my mission. One woman would get up and give us a day by day recounting of her life for the last month (I think she had notes). She would talk about her insipid goodness and her life of tedious monotony. It usually took 25 to 30 minutes. It was a real snoozer.

 

One day she was about 5 minutes into it when a little girl about 4 or 5 years old stood up on the pew and thrust both arms in front of her with both thumb pointing down and yelled out in a very loud voice: "BOOOOORRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!" No one did anything. The lady speaking glared at the parents as if expecting them to punish her. They rightly did not. From what I hear she tried to complain about the child for the rest of the three hour block and most of the sisters refused to join her in condemning the "rudeness" of the child. I know I gave the kid candy every week for the rest of the time I was in the area and the woman stopped bearing her "testimony" for the rest of the time I was there.

 

I love children.

That is stinkin' funny!!

[The Nehor]

We had 3 people get up one Sunday and take most of the time. I don't remember what one said, but it wasn't a testimony. The second bore testimony of some book and now I want to know if it was the one talked of here. Last a senatorial candidate who lived in our ward bore testimony of how he works closely with "the brethren" and they find he is so humble.

 

I would have been humming this song every time I saw him for a while:

 

[ERayR]

One Sunday I watched a little three year old girl (daughter of a counselor in our bishopric) during closing prayer.  She was very reverent and folded her arms for the first two minutes.  Then she said amen and the prayer still went on so she said amen again and when the prayer still went on she shrugged her shoulder and went back to playing with her doll.

[bluebell]

An older lady in my parents ward once scolded all the parents of young children for allowing them to be so noisy during sacrament meetings.

It didn't go over well.

[toon]

It's the time when I learn things about members of my ward family --

 

There's one guy in our ward who's a lawyer, and I learn every month that he's a lawyer.

[mormonnewb]

There's one guy in our ward who's a lawyer, and I learn every month that he's a lawyer.

Lawyers and pilots have a lot in common in that regard.

[mormonnewb]

Newb - you can't leave us hanging on the other two.

We had 3 people get up one Sunday and take most of the time. I don't remember what one said, but it wasn't a testimony. The second bore testimony of some book and now I want to know if it was the one talked of here. Last a senatorial candidate who lived in our ward bore testimony of how he works closely with "the brethren" and they find he is so humble.

I'll share one of them. On this particular Sunday, we were being visited by the Second Counselor in our stake presidency. A wonderful man, but a very serious type of guy. Being even more petulant than I am now, I started my testimony with something like:

"I'm very nervous to be standing up here with President So-and-So. I'm intimated by his ecclesiastic authority but I'm even more intimated by his good looks. This is one handsome man!" I then went on to ask for a sustaining vote, by the uplifted hand, on his "hotness."

Needless to say, he only received one vote that day (mine), although several sisters later confided that they would have sustained him if they hadn't been sitting next to their husbands.

Postscript: When we got home, my wife let me have it. Eventually, I realized that I hadn't been so much cute as I was disrespectful. In fairness, he is a quite handsome guy so I wasn't mocking him. That being said, I was being passive-aggressive in not showing proper respect for his priesthood office.

In any event, a few weeks later, I ran into Mrs. Handsome Counsellor, who, to my surprise, warmly greeted me. I sheepishly asked if she had heard about my "testimony."

She replied, "Heard about it? He's been bragging about it ever since!"

[toon]

Lawyers and pilots have a lot in common in that regard.

 

Lawyers, pilots, vegans, and triathletes.

 

By that way, I'm a lawyer in case you didn't know.

[The Nehor]

An older lady in my parents ward once scolded all the parents of young children for allowing them to be so noisy during sacrament meetings.

It didn't go over well.

 

Senility combined with nostalgia tends to make people forget how their own children behaved.