Looks like I'll a divorced 30 something in the church

auteur55 · January 30, 2011

So my wife came home after Christmas for about 2 weeks and then left again. This time she said it was permanent. She wants me to just put together a dissolution. I will have custody of the child and she will come see her until I can move closer then she wants to make other arrangements. So it looks like I will be making the transition to single father with a 2 yr old. Something I never wanted to be and I have no idea where to even begin or go from here. I am in Ohio where not only are members scarce but single adults are scarer. I Can't move anywhere because of my daughter. I took a look at a few dating sites just to see what they were about and they look dismal. Any suggestions on how I make this transition without breaking down?

Thanks

Edited January 30, 2011 by auteur55

TAO · January 30, 2011

*huggles*

Sorry if things are so tough on you =/.

Divorce isn't easy - and especially when it ends like this... yes... you have a lot on your plate.

I feel really bad =(.

---

On the good note... there are Mormon dating sites... have you taken a look at those? You will probably have to start there, and I've heard there are some pretty good ones out there.

It may take a few years. It may take your entire life. But I want to tell you Auters - if you go through your whole life, faithfully searching, and still don't find the right person, God is sure to match you up after this life. I can promise you that - so just keep searching. Just keep looking and you will receive, whether it be in this life or the next.

Actually, this reminds me of a story of a couple in my ward.

So, this couple is a pretty amazing pair. She started off married to a BYU graduate. But then she discovered she had MS in her forties. The Doctors gave her about 5 more years to live. Her husband, at that time, chose to divorce and abandon her, because of her dreadful disease.

Then there is him. He is a convert to the church, and was married to a non-member, and had several children. Then, his son got in a car crash. Shortly later, his wife divorced him. He was left, a single member, also in his forties.

Then, they discovered each other and started dating. Things got going, and eventually, she told him about her MS. That she only had 5 years left to live. She asked... whether he wanted to still marry her... despite that.

... And he said yes. They got married to each other shortly later. Slowly over the next two years, her MS fully crippled her, so that she could virtually only move her mouth, and even then, when she spoke, it was with a rasping noise. He had to push her around in a wheel chair. Never once did he complain.

They ended up living together like this for over 10 years. Way longer than the doctors expected. She just died about two weeks ago. But him and her, both of them were some of the most paitient, kind, meek, and humble people you could meet. They had gone through their trials and come out of them more glorious than before. Despite disaster striking, they found their perfect love story, by their own choices.

You are going through trials too. I encourage you - don't give up. The perfect ending won't come easily. It may not even come in this life. But if you endure to the end, trusting in God, I guarantee you that you will have a happy ending, more glorious than you can imagine.

So push forward, don't give up hope, and know that all of us here care about you greatly, and will cheer you on, wherever your path takes you. Your path won't be easy. But it will be enough that you will be able to bear it.

Best Wishes, with compassion,

TAO

theresa11 · January 31, 2011

theresa11 · January 31, 2011

Make sure you hold fast to the Iron rod , Go to your singles meetings. Heavenly Father may send some one your way, just remember Jesus is coming real soon

jadams_4242 · January 31, 2011

`

Without beaking down? for cryin out loud you have a precious little angel to take care of and be an excample! what a wonderfull opportunity...

Brenda · January 31, 2011

Stay close to the Spirit - listen to your bishop and follow his advice. Breaking down is not an option. Your daughter needs you.

I know quite a few people who found their spouse online. Including my brother and my bishop.

I'm so sorry for you and yours. So very sorry.

Traela · January 31, 2011

I suggest not even thinking about dating for now. More than anything else, your little girl needs as much stability as you can give her in the present circumstances.

Calm · January 31, 2011

This is very sad for both you and your daughter, what a shame.

It might be helpful not to dwell on the dating side of things and just focus on making the best of what you have right now with your daughter. Divorce is a huge stressor (it's next to death on the stress lists...see here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale ), add single parenthood and you have a huge amount of change going on in your life and much of it is negative. If you start looking at dating now, it's likely the negativity is going to affect that side of things making it look hopeless and increasing your burden in ways that aren't necessary.

IMO, but your mileage may vary so pray about it...but I would say definitely don't think about it until the divorce is final. Who knows, maybe your wife will change her mind. Don't make your life more complicated than it already is.

Plus single sisters in the area or online if they find out you are not yet divorced may think you are running a con or are a sleaze and you might get a reputation that you definitely don't deserve. Stick to group activities with the singles or families wards when appropriate with your child. Also if you do get attracted to someone while the divorce is going on, there is a good chance the negativity and stress of the divorce is going to colour your new relationship, possibly damaging something that might have worked out if you had been patient and waited until things were more settled.

rpn · January 31, 2011

If she wants the divorce, why isn't SHE getting it? Who says you have to file?

bluebell · January 31, 2011

Great advice-trying to think about dating right now might seem like a good idea at first. I know that when i'm facing something that i don't want in my life, my first reaction is to immediately try to find a way to remove it. My experience though has been that that has never been the wise thing to do. Sometimes you just have to be in the moment and feel the emotions and face the realities before you can move on.

Also, as far as i know, the LDS church looks at dating before a divorce is final as adultery. Being separated or in the process of divorcing isn't the same as being single. The only reason i know this is because i had two friends who had to deal with it when they both very innocently started dating before the woman's divorce was final, though she had been separated for years.

You should talk to your bishop about the whole thing, for more than one reason, but if you are dead set on dating as soon as possible, make sure that you don't cross any lines because you weren't thinking things through.

I'm very sorry-truly.

Duncan · January 31, 2011

I am where you are my friend! I broke down,bad, 3 years of it. Now I am getting back on my feet again!

blooit · January 31, 2011

16 years ago I had an almost identical situation. My daughter was also 2. She turn 18 next week. I'm now happily sealed to the most beautiful woman and we have 7 more children together. Satan will come after you with everything he has, but so will God. Divorce is the closest thing to hell you can experience in this life IMHO, and it's a road you must walk. But the choice is yours, you can walk it alone, or you can walk it hand in hand with your Heavenly Father. If you will walk with him, I can promise you from experience that you will look back not too far from now, and almost wonder why things seemed so hard and actually be grateful for what you overcame.

Things will be fine, just keep your eye on the prize!

emeliza · January 31, 2011

I joined the Church as a single parent. I was married last June to a wonderful man. My advice is not to even worry about dating right. Get yourself right and it will just happen. It seems whenever you try too hard, things don't work, but when you are happy and just yourself (which takes time), things work well. I hope the best for you.

Garden Girl · January 31, 2011

Hello auteur... Well, I see things didn't work out. I'm so very sorry. Not only is this hard on you, but think of your daughter. I agree, breaking down is not an option because that little angel depends on you.

You've received some excellent advice here... I guess I'm more rigid and impatient with those who make choices that cause such damage... there may have been real problems in your marriage that your wife just couldn't overcome, but a mother normally would not conceive of leaving her 2-year old child and going off somewhere. But in view of some of her other actions it is no doubt best your daughter is with you.

My question/opinion is that your wife made the choices that have created the situation for your daughter, and you also... why is it she can continue to dictate the circumstances? Why should you have to uproot and move? Are you currently employed and supporting your daughter? Will you be able to find another job if you move? With her choices and judgment being what it has been, is she likely to make "arrangements" that will be best for your daughter, creating a stable environment? IMO you need to prayerfully take a serious look at the situation, and you make the decision on the arrangements that are best for your daughter. (I realize there may be some legal issues here).

Yes, you are hurt and downhearted, but the most important thing, as I am sure you also feel, is your daughter.

I add my voice to those who say to stay close to the Lord, hold fast to the rod, and walk with the Spirit. There is comfort there... and take care of that little one...

All good wishes... GG

Edited January 31, 2011 by Garden Girl

frankenstein · January 31, 2011

first, I would edit my op and remove some things.

second First, GET A LAWYER.

second, get a lawyer

third, get a lawyer,

fourth, get a lawyer,

here is a lawyer in Columbus who appeared in a google search for "Fathers rights Ohio"

fifth, do not DO ANYTHING, that would give her grounds to call you a "bad" parent.

sixth, find all documentation you have of when and why she left, how, long your daughter has stayed with, and what you provide for your daughters care while YOU are at work.

you need an attorney, because

Ohio has alimony, and you do not want to pay that

Ohio has Child support payments and you do not want to pay that either. (if you are paying Child Support is most likely means the other parent has primary custody and the child lives with that other parent)

You will want a "Parenting Plan" in writing to submit to the Court.

You will want in the parenting plan/divorce/dissolution decree, a statement about Federal and State taxes, that is you want to be able to claim your daughter as a dependant on when you file taxes. The IRS made this more difficult for divorced parents, so you will want to have primary custody.

Edited January 31, 2011 by frankenstein

blueadept · January 31, 2011

Auteur,

As a single father who has gone through what you are experiencing with little ones and she's giving you custody, I would quickly draw up the paperwork so you have physical custody with joint legal custody. I would have fought my 1st wife like crazy if I needed to, but it didn't come down to that. As others have pointed out, you have a daughter to take care of and breaking down is not an option. Building up friendships is important while looking for dating material is not. Facebook is actually good for that but follow the guidance of your bishop. The serenity prayer should be your motto right now.

I sympathize with your status. I hope you can perservere better than I did.

ERayR · January 31, 2011

Yes, don't get in a hurry. Take a few years and concentrate on raising your daughter.

jcake · January 31, 2011

As someone who has gone through a heart breaking divorce, I suggest you wait a number of years before remarrying. Your daughter will need a great deal of your attention right now, and, you will think a lot better after you've had a few years to get over what is happening now. I have seen so many 2nd marriages fail because people jumped to quickly into them. The failure rate for 2nd marriages is higher than for first marriages.

Bill “Papa” Lee · February 1, 2011

God bless you. If i can help PM me.

emeliza · February 2, 2011

This is only true when you factor in people who end up having multiple (4 or more marriages). If you take out the people who have been divorced more than 3 times, second marriages are just as likely as first marriages to work.

todd520 · February 4, 2011

My heart goes out to you Auteur

Do you have any family in the area that can help out?
I would focus on stabilizing your life instead of dating
See a counselor, if you have coverage
If she's left you and your daughter, don't give away resources in the disolution that you need to care for your girl.

jwhitlock · February 6, 2011

This is excellent advice.

Sometimes we get in the way of the Lord trying to work things out for us. Take things a day at a time, get through this period and let the future take care of itself for now. It's amazing how things will work themselves out in the long run when we just try to do what the Lord wants us to do, and not worry about things over which we have little control.

rodheadlee · February 7, 2011

Sorry Brother, at least you have a daughter. Give thanks for that, you will be in my prayers.

Blossom · February 7, 2011

Oh dear! Divorce...how painful.

You've gotten good advice from our friends here. I was a widow in my 30s with a teenaged daughter, and that was really rough. I'm so sorry to hear this, because I have heard divorce is just as bad as a death, because it is a death of a marriage.

Several years went by and at 41 I tried marriage again...yay! Give this time to your daughter for now, and give everything else time. It took me about six years to even think about another relationship, and you might be glad you waited.

I really am sorry you're going through this. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Blessings,

Blossom

Calm · February 7, 2011

Definitely the next worse thing, but there is still a significant difference in most cases according to most studies. When given a measurement in a life stressor scale where death of a spouse rates 100, divorce is given a 73....the next unrelated worse thing that was measured was imprisonment and that was a 63.

http://en.wikipedia....he_stress_scale

I suspect one of the reasons why divorce is not quite so stressful as death is because you generally know you still have the option to do something, to change things for the better even if at the moment you don't particularly want to. With death, you cannot look at your regrets and think you might have a chance yet to make things okay. You also have the option to interact with the other, even if it is a negative confrontation so there is a greater sense of control over the situation.

Edited February 7, 2011 by calmoriah

Looks like I'll a divorced 30 something in the church

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