Senior Members Who Are Single

[MorningStar]

There is an older, single sister in my choir who is full of energy and very much wants to get married again, but when she goes to singles dances, the men want the younger women.  Let's get real here.  They don't want a woman in menopause who might lack interest in certain things.  One man her age actually had the nerve to tell her while they were chatting, "Too bad there's no one here for you."  He bluntly told her that guys his age who are well off want someone in their 30's or 40's.  I wanted to punch him in the face!  Who would be "for her"?  An 80-year-old?  She's 58, has an adorable smile, a nice voice, has supported herself and two boys for many years alone, etc.  If a man's wife dies when he's in his late 50's or 60's, why does he now need a younger model? 

BARF.

[Jeanne]

14 hours ago, MorningStar said:

There is an older, single sister in my choir who is full of energy and very much wants to get married again, but when she goes to singles dances, the men want the younger women.  Let's get real here.  They don't want a woman in menopause who might lack interest in certain things.  One man her age actually had the nerve to tell her while they were chatting, "Too bad there's no one here for you."  He bluntly told her that guys his age who are well off want someone in their 30's or 40's.  I wanted to punch him in the face!  Who would be "for her"?  An 80-year-old?  She's 58, has an adorable smile, a nice voice, has supported herself and two boys for many years alone, etc.  If a man's wife dies when he's in his late 50's or 60's, why does he now need a younger model? 

BARF.

What is sad is that if the man is a widower..it is a sad commentary on the spouse that died. 

[The Nehor]

I also find the older guy going after the younger sisters a little creepy. I understand why. I even sympathize but if you are one of those people and you notice that when you approach a younger sister in her 30s to ask to dance and she quickly grabs a friend to dance with you are "the creepy guy". - The guy dancing with that girl

16 hours ago, MorningStar said:

One man her age actually had the nerve to tell her while they were chatting, "Too bad there's no one here for you."  He bluntly told her that guys his age who are well off want someone in their 30's or 40's.  I wanted to punch him in the face!

My hope is that these "well off" brethren find the gold diggers they deserve/desire.

 

It is rough being single and older in the LDS faith. I personally despise the Single Adult program. It is not that I dislike the people in it (though that is true of some) or that I dislike what they do. I just almost always feel miserable after going to a SA activity or fireside or whatever. There is an almost papable feeling of intermingled despair, desperation, and pain there.

Every so often I try to go to something to hopefully meet someone or have a good time but I almost always leave disappointed. God and/or my priesthood leaders keep giving me callings in the organization which I hate and I really want them to stop.

I do get the entitled feeling many single men in the SA program have. I probably have some of it myself. There is a feeling that because you were denied when you were young or were betrayed by a spouse or whatever that you now deserve a prize of amazing beauty (often physical). This comes from guys in their 30s and 40s that cannot support themselves let alone a family, are sporadically active in church at best, and are often morbidly obese (I am only decently in shape an am no Adonis but I think every other guy at most activities has 50 pounds or more on me). I pass on these three points but I find it harder and harder to be interested in the women in the SA program. Maybe I am too jaded and cynical now to fall in love and I have accepted that it may just never happen in this life.

But my life is not horrible and the rest of church outside the SA program is good so I can't complain too much.

[emeliza]

12 minutes ago, The Nehor said:

It is rough being single and older in the LDS faith. I personally despise the Single Adult program. 

I do get the entitled feeling many single men in the SA program have. 

But my life is not horrible and the rest of church outside the SA program is good so I can't complain too much.

I have to say, this isn't quite how I remembered SA, what I recall was that 80% were single for a reason, 10% were smart enough to come every now and again, but not get too involved and 10% were pretty normal and wondering how they ended up there.  But in the Midwest, there are far less single LDS members.

Being LDS and single in the church is far worse than being single in any other denomination I know of because you are considered incomplete or lacking. 

[Marmonboy]

I have no intention of going to the "OSA" activities. If they're anything like the YSA ones I went to in my 20s, they are a bunch of pathetic lonely people desperately looking for someone. I overstate my case here, I know there are many fine people in both groups, but there was always that slight odor of desperation in the air. Some activities I would no doubt be fine with (service projects and the like), but those activities designed to bring people together to get something started (dances and things of a social nature) I have no interest in. The whole dating scene was a mystery to me back in the day, and now I'm 30 years further behind. I am speaking only for myself here, y'all can go dance up a storm if you want to. I don't.

[Marmonboy]

3 minutes ago, emeliza said:

I have to say, this isn't quite how I remembered SA, what I recall was that 80% were single for a reason, 10% were smart enough to come every now and again, but not get too involved and 10% were pretty normal and wondering how they ended up there.  But in the Midwest, there are far less single LDS members.

Being LDS and single in the church is far worse than being single in any other denomination I know of because you are considered incomplete or lacking. 

I only went to a few activities, but I see what you're getting at. Many of the 20 something women had already been married and divorced, which made them slightly damaged goods in the eyes of the males, most of whom were looking for those <20 somethings. They were a little too optimistic, I think.

[The Nehor]

Just now, emeliza said:

I have to say, this isn't quite how I remembered SA, what I recall was that 80% were single for a reason, 10% were smart enough to come every now and again, but not get too involved and 10% were pretty normal and wondering how they ended up there.  But in the Midwest, there are far less single LDS members.

Being LDS and single in the church is far worse than being single in any other denomination I know of because you are considered incomplete or lacking. 

Those percentages are probably pretty accurate. I like to think I am in the last 10% but I imagine everyone thinks that.

As to being incomplete, yeah. The General Authorities keep insisting I am not a second-class citizen but I don't believe them yet while D&C 131 is still in the canon. At least they have backed off a little on it being the guy's fault if he is single and that they have dozens of women desperate to marry them if they would just stop shirking.

[The Nehor]

Just now, Marmonboy said:

I have no intention of going to the "OSA" activities. If they're anything like the YSA ones I went to in my 20s, they are a bunch of pathetic lonely people desperately looking for someone. I overstate my case here, I know there are many fine people in both groups, but there was always that slight odor of desperation in the air. Some activities I would no doubt be fine with (service projects and the like), but those activities designed to bring people together to get something started (dances and things of a social nature) I have no interest in. The whole dating scene was a mystery to me back in the day, and now I'm 30 years further behind. I am speaking only for myself here, y'all can go dance up a storm if you want to. I don't.

YSA is heaven compared to SA. I go to SA dances once a year......primarily as an annual reminder of why I do not go.

Edit: And I just realized it is that time of the year again.......(sigh)

Edited December 13, 2016 by The Nehor

[emeliza]

4 hours ago, The Nehor said:

YSA is heaven compared to SA. I go to SA dances once a year......primarily as an annual reminder of why I do not go.

Edit: And I just realized it is that time of the year again.......(sigh)

😂😂😂

I am hoping I have a year or two or three before people start expecting me to go to any of those activities.  I have been invited once a month or two ago to come to SA FHE and I have to admit, I was rather ticked by the invite...

[waveslider]

I have been single for quite some time now. Not what I wanted, but you have to allow your spouse their free agency. I have been so busy raising my kids that I just plain old avoid any SA programs most of the time. I suppose if I lived in Utah I might attend a few more, because there are actually enough people there to actually meet new people once in a while. Here in Hawaii, there just aren't enough members to make it worth while. My kids are finally getting old enough to be able to think about finding a mate soon, but I still can't justify spending money on someone who might not be around for long, when I could use that money for other, more important things, like mission and college funds, etc.. It has been a lonely road, but unfortunately the way our society is built, unless you can show that you are willing to spend money on a woman they won't stay interested for long, even if they tell me that money doesn't matter at first. Time always shows that it does matter eventually. Being single at church isn't easy when you see other whole families, and most of the teachings are geared toward whole families, not single parents with kids. Singles wards are for the younger people, who don't need primary and things, so the old family ward is where I have been all this time. I've gotten pretty used to it over all these years, but I still kind of feel like an outsider most of the time.

One thing I don't understand very well is looking for someone a lot younger than myself, although I have a few friends who seem to like that sort of thing. Perhaps it is because most of them don't have daughters themselves, but not all of them don't. Having a young woman for a daughter, just makes looking at someone not much older than her, as a romantic figure, not very appealing to me. I don't think I would have much in common anyway even if I did find someone that wouldn't constantly remind me of my daughter, which I don't think is even possible for me. I have noticed that the younger women who like older guys like some of my friends who seek them out, seem to have had daddy issues when they were growing up, and seem to be trying to find a replacement daddy who will treat them better, even if it is on a subconscious level.

I don't know what will happen, but I do know I won't be dating anyone who is only 30 or 40, no matter who rich I end up. I would rather be with someone who would understand when I need to blast some classic rock while I am sculpting art, and then get to talking about seeing a certain band in concert, or how certain songs bring back some obscure memories, etc.. It sure would beat hanging out with someone who has her nose in her phone all day long texting people, who they can relate to better, hoping it isn't some young guy trying to get her to ditch the old guy, talking about seeing the newest pop star artist, who doesn't even have a band that actually plays music and shrugging her shoulders when I feel like listening to some old Zeppelin or Rush albums instead, as she asks for my credit card to go to the mall again.

[Marmonboy]

8 hours ago, waveslider said:

I have been single for quite some time now. Not what I wanted, but you have to allow your spouse their free agency. I have been so busy raising my kids that I just plain old avoid any SA programs most of the time. I suppose if I lived in Utah I might attend a few more, because there are actually enough people there to actually meet new people once in a while. Here in Hawaii, there just aren't enough members to make it worth while. My kids are finally getting old enough to be able to think about finding a mate soon, but I still can't justify spending money on someone who might not be around for long, when I could use that money for other, more important things, like mission and college funds, etc.. It has been a lonely road, but unfortunately the way our society is built, unless you can show that you are willing to spend money on a woman they won't stay interested for long, even if they tell me that money doesn't matter at first. Time always shows that it does matter eventually. Being single at church isn't easy when you see other whole families, and most of the teachings are geared toward whole families, not single parents with kids. Singles wards are for the younger people, who don't need primary and things, so the old family ward is where I have been all this time. I've gotten pretty used to it over all these years, but I still kind of feel like an outsider most of the time.

One thing I don't understand very well is looking for someone a lot younger than myself, although I have a few friends who seem to like that sort of thing. Perhaps it is because most of them don't have daughters themselves, but not all of them don't. Having a young woman for a daughter, just makes looking at someone not much older than her, as a romantic figure, not very appealing to me. I don't think I would have much in common anyway even if I did find someone that wouldn't constantly remind me of my daughter, which I don't think is even possible for me. I have noticed that the younger women who like older guys like some of my friends who seek them out, seem to have had daddy issues when they were growing up, and seem to be trying to find a replacement daddy who will treat them better, even if it is on a subconscious level.

I don't know what will happen, but I do know I won't be dating anyone who is only 30 or 40, no matter who rich I end up. I would rather be with someone who would understand when I need to blast some classic rock while I am sculpting art, and then get to talking about seeing a certain band in concert, or how certain songs bring back some obscure memories, etc.. It sure would beat hanging out with someone who has her nose in her phone all day long texting people, who they can relate to better, hoping it isn't some young guy trying to get her to ditch the old guy, talking about seeing the newest pop star artist, who doesn't even have a band that actually plays music and shrugging her shoulders when I feel like listening to some old Zeppelin or Rush albums instead, as she asks for my credit card to go to the mall again.

Well said!

[Jeanne]

8 hours ago, waveslider said:

I have been single for quite some time now. Not what I wanted, but you have to allow your spouse their free agency. I have been so busy raising my kids that I just plain old avoid any SA programs most of the time. I suppose if I lived in Utah I might attend a few more, because there are actually enough people there to actually meet new people once in a while. Here in Hawaii, there just aren't enough members to make it worth while. My kids are finally getting old enough to be able to think about finding a mate soon, but I still can't justify spending money on someone who might not be around for long, when I could use that money for other, more important things, like mission and college funds, etc.. It has been a lonely road, but unfortunately the way our society is built, unless you can show that you are willing to spend money on a woman they won't stay interested for long, even if they tell me that money doesn't matter at first. Time always shows that it does matter eventually. Being single at church isn't easy when you see other whole families, and most of the teachings are geared toward whole families, not single parents with kids. Singles wards are for the younger people, who don't need primary and things, so the old family ward is where I have been all this time. I've gotten pretty used to it over all these years, but I still kind of feel like an outsider most of the time.

One thing I don't understand very well is looking for someone a lot younger than myself, although I have a few friends who seem to like that sort of thing. Perhaps it is because most of them don't have daughters themselves, but not all of them don't. Having a young woman for a daughter, just makes looking at someone not much older than her, as a romantic figure, not very appealing to me. I don't think I would have much in common anyway even if I did find someone that wouldn't constantly remind me of my daughter, which I don't think is even possible for me. I have noticed that the younger women who like older guys like some of my friends who seek them out, seem to have had daddy issues when t!y were growing up, and seem to be trying to find a replacement daddy who will treat them better, even if it is on a subconscious level.

I don't know what will happen, but I do know I won't be dating anyone who is only 30 or 40, no matter who rich I end up. I would rather be with someone who would understand when I need to blast some classic rock while I am sculpting art, and then get to talking about seeing a certain band in concert, or how certain songs bring back some obscure memories, etc.. It sure would beat hanging out with someone who has her nose in her phone all day long texting people, who they can relate to better, hoping it isn't some young guy trying to get her to ditch the old guy, talking about seeing the newest pop star artist, who doesn't even have a band that actually plays music and shrugging her shoulders when I feel like listening to some old Zeppelin or Rush albums instead, as she asks for my credit card to go to the mall again.

I so admire you...being a single parent even if they are older is not easy!!  The fact that a daughter makes a different speaks volumes for what you are looking for...and not.  You sound like such a nice man...and you are..so take a leap of faith for you.!!  It is easier for you than for a woman the same age because they are just waiting for you.. It is okay to find an LDS woman outside the church dances and stuff isn't it??  Hang in there!

[Garden Girl]

On 12/9/2016 at 6:32 PM, cdowis said:

I know there is alot of talk about Single Adults, but I think seniors (retirement age) males are largely ignored.  I have several acquaintances who don't even try to find a worthy mate -- their excuse is that they are "too old", that no one would be interested in them.  The largest issue, I have found, is that they don't want to marry someone their own age, but are afraid to "check out" the ladies who are younger, 35 to 45 years, for fear of rejection.  They don't even go to the socials , much less date.

I finally convinced an older friend of mine to start asking dates of these younger sisters, and he found someone and was married in just a about six months.  How can we help them to get over that myth that they are too old, and no one would be interested in them?

Hello cdowis... 

Senior men are largely ignored??  What about the senior woman that senior men are not interested in??  Why?  Because they want someone younger, prettier or whatever.  This is one of my pet peeves.  Fortunately for myself, I'm really not interested in remarrying (unless some wonderful man... and he'd have to be really wonderful!... dropped into my lap).  I've been widowed for 18 years.  At Church we have about 4 - 5 widows that sit together regularly... We call it "widow's row."  I can attest that these women have much to offer, particularly a couple of them... yet there they are... smart, cheerful, still attractive in their own way in spite a few more wrinkles... ignored by the men looking for "someone younger."   Yep... pet peeve... 

GG

[cdowis]

Well, this is what happened to my friend.  He was interested in a young, mature woman but she was already dating someone.  But something interesting happened.  An older lady noticed that he was "in the game" so she started talking with him, spending with him in church, and they began dating and she was finally sitting with him.

Yep, this is the one he eventually married.  Find someone, and start out by simply saying hello and find an excuse to talk with him.  Widow's row is a rut, so get out of it and make your move.

Edited December 19, 2016 by cdowis

[Garden Girl]

8 minutes ago, cdowis said:

Well, this is what happened to my friend.  He was interested in a young, mature woman but she was already dating someone.  But something interesting happened.  An older lady noticed that he was "in the game" so she started talking with him, spending with him in church, and they began dating and she was finally sitting with him.

Yep, this is the one he eventually married.  Find someone, and start out by simply saying hello and find an excuse to talk with him.  Widow's row is a rut, so get out of it and make your move.

I'm glad your friend married the "older woman"... I chuckled at getting out of widow's row and "making my move."   Darlin', my time has passed me by... I'm 76 and so set in my ways by now I wouldn't be able to put up with someone 24-7... I love my freedom... but there was a time I would have considered remarrying (I was widowed at 58... a young 58 as most thought I was much younger).  Now, as I kid on here, I'm the proverbial old woman living with her cat... in a cottage by the sea...

GG

[Tacenda]

44 minutes ago, Garden Girl said:

I'm glad your friend married the "older woman"... I chuckled at getting out of widow's row and "making my move."   Darlin', my time has passed me by... I'm 76 and so set in my ways by now I wouldn't be able to put up with someone 24-7... I love my freedom... but there was a time I would have considered remarrying (I was widowed at 58... a young 58 as most thought I was much younger).  Now, as I kid on here, I'm the proverbial old woman living with her cat... in a cottage by the sea...

GG

GG, you look like a 66 yr. old, if that. And from what I remember you said you've put on some weight (you must have been a toothpick!).  I believe a little weight looks better on older people. My mom use to say if they are too skinny their skin will be more wrinkled. 

 

[Calm]

15 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

I'm glad your friend married the "older woman"... I chuckled at getting out of widow's row and "making my move."   Darlin', my time has passed me by... I'm 76 and so set in my ways by now I wouldn't be able to put up with someone 24-7... I love my freedom... but there was a time I would have considered remarrying (I was widowed at 58... a young 58 as most thought I was much younger).  Now, as I kid on here, I'm the proverbial old woman living with her cat... in a cottage by the sea...

GG

Ah, come on, GG, quite kidding yourself.  You are a woman.  You won't be happy and satisfied with your life until you have a man to take care of.

[Garden Girl]

16 minutes ago, Calm said:

Ah, come on, GG, quite kidding yourself.  You are a woman.  You won't be happy and satisfied with your life until you have a man to take care of.

Ha-ha... lots of men, even women, think so... But there does reach a point when most women can become content to be alone... children and grandchildren help.  With me, not having family, it can be a little more difficult.  Thank goodness I'm comfortable being alone... actually need to be on my own although I must confess there are times I do miss the caring and sharing of a relationship.  And then I come to my senses and remember how wonderful it is to have my freedom... to wake up and face the day like a gift to be opened... saying to myself, What a beautiful day...What would I like to do today... Not having to rush home to fix dinner etc etc.

Not all women can be content in such aloneness... one of my friends has been widowed almost three years now and she still has difficulty being alone.  My dear Ray and I were really close, and I cherish my memories... and have wonderful memories of so many travels together, as well as the simple home times.  And as I've said before... being sealed to him gives a wonderful peace of heart and mind...

GG

[Garden Girl]

On 12/13/2016 at 3:35 PM, Marmonboy said:

 The whole dating scene was a mystery to me back in the day, and now I'm 30 years further behind. I am speaking only for myself here, y'all can go dance up a storm if you want to. I don't.

I've never attended the SA activities... Speaking for myself only, if I was 25 years younger, I see several men here on the Board that I'd welcome to a nice walk on the beach... finding a log to sit on... listening to the soaring gulls... enjoying the salt-sea air... wading barefoot... good conversation... 

from the beach on a rainy afternoon... GG

[The Nehor]

18 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

I'm glad your friend married the "older woman"... I chuckled at getting out of widow's row and "making my move."   Darlin', my time has passed me by... I'm 76 and so set in my ways by now I wouldn't be able to put up with someone 24-7... I love my freedom... but there was a time I would have considered remarrying (I was widowed at 58... a young 58 as most thought I was much younger).  Now, as I kid on here, I'm the proverbial old woman living with her cat... in a cottage by the sea...

GG

So you are saying I should not propose? I eat light....  

[Jeanne]

19 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

I'm glad your friend married the "older woman"... I chuckled at getting out of widow's row and "making my move."   Darlin', my time has passed me by... I'm 76 and so set in my ways by now I wouldn't be able to put up with someone 24-7... I love my freedom... but there was a time I would have considered remarrying (I was widowed at 58... a young 58 as most thought I was much younger).  Now, as I kid on here, I'm the proverbial old woman living with her cat... in a cottage by the sea...

GG

Hey GG....my Dad us 94.  He got married the second time at the age of 88.  You're still a young pup...

[Kenngo1969]

4 hours ago, sam1 said:

I'm not single 

Hey, sam1.  Bully for you!  Congratulations!  This thread probably isn't the thread for you, then.  Just sayin'!

[Kenngo1969]

14 hours ago, Garden Girl said:

I've never attended the SA activities... Speaking for myself only, if I was 25 years younger, I see several men here on the Board that I'd welcome to a nice walk on the beach... finding a log to sit on... listening to the soaring gulls... enjoying the salt-sea air... wading barefoot... good conversation... 

from the beach on a rainy afternoon... GG

I'd like to take that walk with you anyway, my dear!  I'd like to take that walk with you anyway!  As the orphanage Nurse, Meg Craddy of M*A*S*H fame, told Hawkeye: "If only I were 25 years younger," and he responded, "I thought you were!"  (If ever I'm in your neck of the woods, provided the cat doesn't object [which might be a big "if"/"provided" ], I'll certainly drop by for a visit.)

Edited December 20, 2016 by Kenngo1969

[Jeanne]

5 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

Hey, sam1.  Bully for you!  Congratulations!  This thread probably isn't the thread for you, then.  Just sayin'!

Kinda rubbin' it in isn't he???