Cool Video About Marriage Produced By Elder Scott

[Yirgacheffe]

I would suggest he think about what his wife wants as well as needs when he approached her, individuals have psychological needs as well as physical.

We are not told in the story if the couple had a discussion about what she should or could or would not do or specifically about the ironing. Why assume they did not instead of they already had it. Given her health issues having such a significant impact on the family even just financially, I see a lot of reason to assume they had. And then given she was making an effort to hide the difficulty, it appears to me that this is something she very much wanted to do for her family...perhaps she had already shared this info with her husband.

With the little information given there is no way anyone can know for sure the family dynamics save that later on when it was shared with her son, he obviously got the message from her she thought of it as a great act of love. Why can't we give the couple the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming theirs was a dysfunctional and abusive relationship?

I am not suggesting this is the perfect solution for everyone but rather going the extra mile to help others do what they believe is important is as much, if not more, a sign of love as insisting on helping in ways you feel most comfortable with. Communication is key and that is a problem with the story as it does not make it clear whether or not that happened. Given the context of the rest of the talk and 'what men do' for their families, I don't think it is a stretch to assume they had talked about it. I think it was just assumed by the speaker listeners would understand that rather than jump to the worst conclusions about the couple.

From the story "Mother was shocked when Dad told the manager they would buy the machine" looks like she had no idea.

[Calm]

No idea about buying the machine, doesn't mean they had never talked about her limits and what he could do to help and what she wanted to do herself.

[MorningStar]

From the story "Mother was shocked when Dad told the manager they would buy the machine" looks like she had no idea.

Kind of like how I was shocked when my husband and I were dirt poor and I came home to find a HUGE box of chocolates and bouquet of flowers.  My immediate reaction was, "Did you get a credit card?!"  He had gone two weeks without eating lunch to buy them for me for Valentine's Day.  Another time he came home with an air conditioner and I freaked out because we definitely couldn't afford it.  Someone gave it to him.   

[MorningStar]

But it was a woman's job back then.  And it was a huge job. I remembering it taking an entire day.  My mom would dampen the clothes and keep them in a plastic bags.  She would then set the ironing board up in front of the TV.  Everything needed ironing then. I doubt it would even have occurred to men they could do it.  One of the competitions of the old Mrs. America pageant was ironing.  I am quite sure she would not have allowed him to do it if he could, it would have eaten up a good portion of his after work time and he would have also had to help out in other ways. We did not have all the time saving modern appliances back then. I remember the first microwave in our neighborhood.

 

It sounds awful the husband would let her suffer...but I can see where it would have been like asking her to stand in as a vet when he was sick. We just tend to devalue women's work today. 

 

And my gosh, this is intended to be a parable of sorts. Why the rigid reading?

When I was in Austria, my host family's grandma was so used to ironing everything, she offered to iron my underwear.  Totally different era. 

[Yirgacheffe]

Kind of like how I was shocked when my husband and I were dirt poor and I came home to find a HUGE box of chocolates and bouquet of flowers.  My immediate reaction was, "Did you get a credit card?!"  He had gone two weeks without eating lunch to buy them for me for Valentine's Day.  Another time he came home with an air conditioner and I freaked out because we definitely couldn't afford it.  Someone gave it to him. 

So then you had a long discussion about getting flowers and chocolate,

 

When I was in Austria, my host family's grandma was so used to ironing everything, she offered to iron my underwear.  Totally different era. 

Yep that would be era my dad was raised in 9 boys not enough time for one woman to do all the ironing, that's where my dad learned and in turn taught me.  In my family everyone participates and when someone is incapacitated in some way everyone is expected to do their part to relieve suffering and facilitate healing, not something possible with my mother's progressively degenerative disease.  That's why when I was on bed rest my brother who lived to doors over, carefree bachelor that he was, was at our house taking laundry up and down, taking the kids to the park, doing what ever he could to help and conspiring with my husband over dinner. 

 

A few hours every day of excruciating pain doesn't strike me as something that promotes healing it just contributes to exhaustion in a body that is working hard to recover.

 

Would you all regard it the same if a woman refused to stop doing housework in order to feel useful in a high risk pregnancy where she was advised to stay in bed?  Should the family ignore her need to feel useful then?

and the air conditioner before hand.

[Kenngo1969]

and that he put his wife through the indignity of being spilled on and her hair just barely put up instead of neatly in place. She had to wait so long for him to get anything done too. She had the right to be fed easily and looking sharp with great hair and makeup. And instead she has to settle for barely put together on top of feeling bad that she is putting her husband to all that work. If he really cared about her, he would have paid someone else to do it right. [Emphasis added by Kenngo1969].

Right.  Hire someone to do her hair; hire someone to do her makeup; hire someone to do her nails; hire someone to do the cooking and cleaning (he did a terrible job!  I don't know why he even bothered!); heck, if he really cared about her, he would hire a full-time personal care assistant on top of all of those!  The man must simply be heartless!  Surely he has the resources!  I mean, someone as heartless as he is simply must be hoarding money!  For crying out loud, take it out of petty cash, already!

[BlueDreams]

So far all my co-workers have had the same reaction as I did.  They see it as heartless.

 

That was my reaction as well at first. I remember watching, scratching my head and thinking, why the heck didn't he just iron his freaking shirt. Other's responses from those more familiar with that era/other perspectives about it in general help to give a better picture. But it is a different time and a different set of values for their family. I think it's unfair to impose our own values onto another household and assume that only the way we would have done it is the correct method. 

 

It's still not my favorite story, but I can appreciate that in their family, it spoke of love and respect for what the wife did for their family as well as concern for her. If she wanted this, knew it would wear her out but that the reward of feeling like she still had capacity and the act didn't cause any long term harm, then to me it was worth it. (The example of a high risk pregnancy could easily lead to long term harm). 

 

With luv,

BD 

Edited July 13, 2014 by BlueDreams

[escott3564]

And my gosh, this is intended to be a parable of sorts. Why the rigid reading?

 

Speaking of rigidity, the number of negative reactions to this film I posted on MDB kind of took me by surprise.  I knew there would be a few, but it really did surprise me how cynical the crowd was.

 

Honor said something on my site, though, that kind of helped me understand.  He felt like the film was using a "heartsell" to basically "sell" the Church, and I honestly didn't view it that way.  I looked at it as a film that was demonstrating the importance of selflessness in marriage.  I see it as a "live action" parable. 

[halconero]

My girlfriend and I like to cook a lot together. We have this deal where I clean the table afterwards and wipe down the counters/stove and she does the dishes. She loves doing them, while I'm not the biggest fan of dish duty in the world. Cleanup is just as much bonding time for us as a couple as cooking is.

She got really sick this year, and was bedridden for about 3 weeks. During that time she had a fair amount of upper body strength, but her ability to stand and move around was diminished greatly.

When I came over to cook for her and be with her during those times she became really upset over that period of time that she couldn't clean dishes and therefore wasn't "contributing" to the relationship. I insisted that it wasn't a big deal to me, that I didn't cleaning up, that she should rest, and that I didn't feel like she was lacking in any way. Finally, after one day where she actually got angry over this, I finally realized that her main reason for being upset wasn't because she felt she was placing a big burden on me, it was because her doing the dishes was one her ways of being involved in the relationship.

So I got a small Rubbermaid tub for her one day, filled it with soapy water, and brought it to her bedroom so that she could do the dishes while I cleaned up. She thought it was the goofiest, funniest, but sweetest thing ever. She insisted for the next couple weeks after that I bring her the container to do dishes.

It's the same reason why converts who are given callings fairly soon after their baptism stay active in the church. One lady I know insisted on bringing an improvised family history centre into her home after she got bedridden. Some might say that the greater mercy would have been to just release her from her calling and insist that the members learn to do their own da** family history, but I think the opposite is true.

In this story, I suspect from personal experience that the tears shed were not simply from physical pain, but frustration from not being able to wholly contribute in the way she felt was hers. In many cases it is entirely appropriate to insist that someone take a break from their normal manner of contributing, but in perhaps as nearly many cases it is more loving to facilitate such contributions.

[thesometimesaint]

Going from in excellent health and condition 21 years ago to being totally physically disabled in a matter of seconds. Has been a major emotional challenge for me. The OP video brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of just how much my wife of 42 years loves me.

[escott3564]

Going from in excellent health and condition 21 years ago to being totally physically disabled in a matter of seconds. Has been a major emotional challenge for me. The OP video brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of just how much my wife of 42 years loves me.

This was my reaction as well.  I just saw the film as a beautiful message.

[Kenngo1969]

... In this story, I suspect from personal experience that the tears shed were not simply from physical pain, but frustration from not being able to wholly contribute in the way she felt was hers. In many cases it is entirely appropriate to insist that someone take a break from their normal manner of contributing, but in perhaps as nearly many cases it is more loving to facilitate such contributions.

That's my Young Padawan!  Wise beyond his years!  (Taught 'im everything he knows. )

 

Going from in excellent health and condition 21 years ago to being totally physically disabled in a matter of seconds. Has been a major emotional challenge for me. The OP video brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of just how much my wife of 42 years loves me.

This is simply stage two (the Second Act), Saint.  Whatever physical capacity we lose here, we will regain in the resurrection.  Of that, I am sure.

 

This was my reaction as well.  I just saw the film as a beautiful message.

Indeed.  Since I'm not married, the message I took from it (as I told TheSometimeSaint, above) is that this is simply the Second Act. There was a First Act, in which we learned what's necessary to be successful in Mortality, and this is the Second Act, from which we will take what we learn here and apply it on our continuing journey toward Eternal Life.  Yes, things are difficult; yes, life is full of unmet dreams and unfulfilled expectations; but if we "endure it well, God will exalt us on High."

[thesometimesaint]

That's my Young Padawan!  Wise beyond his years!  (Taught 'im everything he knows. )

 

This is simply stage two (the Second Act), Saint.  Whatever physical capacity we lose here, we will regain in the resurrection.  Of that, I am sure.

 

Indeed.  Since I'm not married, the message I took from it (as I told TheSometimeSaint, above) is that this is simply the Second Act. There was a First Act, in which we learned what's necessary to be successful in Mortality, and this is the Second Act, from which we will take what we learn here and apply it on our continuing journey toward Eternal Life.  Yes, things are difficult; yes, life is full of unmet dreams and unfulfilled expectations; but if we "endure it well, God will exalt us on High."

 

That is the one thing that keeps me sane in this world of constant pain and struggle. A Glorious Resurrection awaits. :yahoo:

[Kenngo1969]

That is the one thing that keeps me sane in this world of constant pain and struggle. A Glorious Resurrection awaits. :yahoo:

I know it can seem like "cold comfort" sometimes, because even though we fervently believe and know what awaits, it's still "out there," and there are still things we must "get through" in order to get there.  But ... through Christ, we'll make it.

[Kenngo1969]

Here are my thoughts on the video.  (I didn't focus on the "marriage" angle because I'm a long-term bachelor and because it spoke to me for other reasons.)

 

http://greatgourdini.wordpress.com/2014/07/14/taking-the-long-view/

[MorningStar]

So then you had a long discussion about getting flowers and chocolate,

 

Yep that would be era my dad was raised in 9 boys not enough time for one woman to do all the ironing, that's where my dad learned and in turn taught me.  In my family everyone participates and when someone is incapacitated in some way everyone is expected to do their part to relieve suffering and facilitate healing, not something possible with my mother's progressively degenerative disease.  That's why when I was on bed rest my brother who lived to doors over, carefree bachelor that he was, was at our house taking laundry up and down, taking the kids to the park, doing what ever he could to help and conspiring with my husband over dinner. 

 

A few hours every day of excruciating pain doesn't strike me as something that promotes healing it just contributes to exhaustion in a body that is working hard to recover.

 

Would you all regard it the same if a woman refused to stop doing housework in order to feel useful in a high risk pregnancy where she was advised to stay in bed?  Should the family ignore her need to feel useful then?

and the air conditioner before hand.

No, if it's dangerous for a person to perform certain activities, they should absolutely not do it.  But if there's a way to make an activity not painful for a person and it's not dangerous, then why not?  Again, we have no idea what all this husband was doing the entire year his wife was recovering from surgery.  After I got off of crutches, I had to go to physical therapy to learn to walk again and then I had to wait another year to go for my back because it was all screwed up from the crutches too.  My husband bought me one of those things that helps you grab things off of the floor so I wouldn't have to hurt myself bending over.  I was happy because I certainly don't want to wait 12 hours for him to get home from work and pick up stuff for me when there's a way to do it myself.  He also bought me a shower chair while I was on crutches because I needed help even taking a bath.  There was way too much on his plate and I wanted as much independence as possible. 

 

The mom in this story only seems suprised that he had money to make the purchase - not shocked that he didn't just iron the clothes himself. 

[Maestrophil]

I saw this yesterday as well and it caused me to close the office door and have a little - ahem - private moment. 

 

For me, the second act/disability thing just emphasized how trivial so many people see marriage these days, including many saints.  My wife and I were kind of stewing over an argument we had...  I woke up feeling very sorry for myself and the fact that my wife did not understand ME and MY position on an issue.  And by darn, I was going to pout and be distant until she apologized for treating me badly.  Then I came into the office and saw this video.  I was filled with shame for my selfishness, love for my wife, and gratitude for my blessings from Heavenly Father.  Within minutes of watching, while I was praying and recovering emotionally, my beautiful wife sent a humble apologetic text.  I did the same in return.  I showed her the video when I got home and apologized again.

 

Needless to say, the tone of our relationship was much better this morning.  This is one of the reasons I am grateful for a physical church led by prophets.  Sure these messages are not new, but they are needed, and in my case - a perfectly timed tender mercy.

[VideoGameJunkie]

I'm not married.....yet, but the advice I'd definitely give is don't marry for looks. Marry someone you can be spiritual with and who will love you for all your problems, and you will love them for their's.

[Nofear]

I don't see how the fancy ironing machine is that different than buying a washer, dryer, dishwasher, etc. - all of which were meant to make certain chores easier.

 

This is a bit late to the game for the thread, but this video seems like one that you'd appreciate. Hans Rosling: The Magic Washing Machine.

[cinepro]

Years ago, my best friend in high school's mom got sick. It turned out to be terminal, but it took several years for her to pass on. My friend's dad was working hard to keep the family afloat financially, so many of the responsibilities of taking care of their mother fell to the young sons in the family.

Shortly after the mom passed away, it came to light that the dad had been "dating" a woman from his work for several months prior to the mom's death. The dad married this woman soon after.  The poor sons had to come to grips with the realization that while they were at home tending to their bedridden mother (and seeing to her hygiene, etc.) their dad was spending time with another woman.  That was a really hard situation for them, and their relationship hasn't healed to this day.

I only tell this story to note that the message of the video in the OP is an important one, and by no means is it a given that everyone would rise to the occasion for their spouse. Such situations are a true test of character.

[cinepro]

It also reminds me of an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm", where Larry David's girlfriend might have cancer so she gets tested.  Larry realized he isn't really that "into" this woman, but knows he can't break up with her if she finds out she has cancer, so he has to hurry and try to dump her before she gets the test results.

Edited July 18, 2014 by cinepro