Entitlement Mentality And Grownup Children Living At Home

[Questing Beast]

Hi all: I wonder what your attitude/policy is toward grownup children living at home: do you charge them for the expenses they cause? Do you charge them a weekly, or monthly, "rent"? Or do you think that children staying at home or returning, have a free place to park their lives? This is a very prevalent trend in society today, kids "camping" on their parents. I think you can tell what my attitude is already....

[thesometimesaint]

Hi all: I wonder what your attitude/policy is toward grownup children living at home: do you charge them for the expenses they cause? Do you charge them a weekly, or monthly, "rent"? Or do you think that children staying at home or returning, have a free place to park their lives? This is a very prevalent trend in society today, kids "camping" on their parents. I think you can tell what my attitude is already....

My son and daughter-in-law lived with us for two years while they finished school. We didn't charge them any money for it. However they were happy to do chores around the house, and that worked out well for them and for us.

[Questing Beast]

I also do not charge children who are living at home and going to school....

[Tacenda]

Ever since the fiasco with home loan companies I think it's tougher to get a home mortgage. This may be the fallout from it or higher tuition costs. We need to prepare our kids better. My dad use to say to us kids, once you move out you're not coming back but he'd say it with a smile, so don't think he was serious. The younger generation is feeling the pains of the older generations (some) greediness, I'm afraid.

[Mark Beesley]

It probably all comes down to why the adult child is living at home. Is it out of necessity or convenience? Is the child just too lazy to get a job? If so, then the parent is an enabler. Is the child just trying to save on expense so they can party. Again bad. But if there are other circumstances, then the parent is probably doing what any parent should do, i.e. love their child.

[Deborah]

My kids either paid rent or all the utilities and food when they were living with me.

[MorningStar]

I would let my kids live at home for free if they were going to college, but I'll be letting them know way in advance that there will be no freeloading. They know how I feel about my freeloading cousin who mooches off of my grandma.

[Questing Beast]

What's the alternative to forbidding freeloading? (aka squatting) Severing the relationship over the issue? "You cannot live here if you don't contribute", sort of argument/stand. So the child leaves, is driven out, and possibly that forms a lifelong break with the parents/family. Is that preferable to dealing with the shortcomings of the freeloader on a daily basis, which is understandably a very hard thing to have to do? Or is maintaining the relationship the core issue? Always, no matter what? Are we to be like the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son? The father did not drive the son out, the son left. The father, I am sure, did all he could to keep his freeloading son happy at home as long as possible. The son was not just a freeloader, he was a manipulator and totally selfish. The father always wanted the son back, so that he actually ran to him when he watched the road, as he had done every day since the son's departure, and he saw his son approaching the house. It says that the father hugged and kissed his wayward son. How many of us can feel this way if we compel a freeloading child to leave the home? I am more convinced every day that we are not supposed to do this. But our culture, which dictates many of the principles upon which "Zion" is to be built, says otherwise. But it only says, "the idler shall not eat the bread of the laborer' (words to that effect), it does not say what to do with the idler, the freeloader, in our midst. Forbidding is mentioned, not what should be done about it. And I am now quite confident that sending them away is not the right thing to do. But what to do with a freeloading grownup child?...

[Ahab]

Hi all: I wonder what your attitude/policy is toward grownup children living at home: do you charge them for the expenses they cause? Do you charge them a weekly, or monthly, "rent"? Or do you think that children staying at home or returning, have a free place to park their lives? This is a very prevalent trend in society today, kids "camping" on their parents. I think you can tell what my attitude is already....

We asked our oldest son to give us some of his money when he was living with us, thinking we should all be sharing the expenses/benefits if all of us enjoyed them. He started after he got out of college and started making a living, with our other son, his youngest brother, doing the same thing while he was still living with us too. We didn't ask either of them to give us any money while they were going to college, because while they earned some money on occasions they were primarily focused on studyuing and we didn't want them to have to worry about getting a job just to give us some money. Once the youngest son got out of college and started working we gave them the challenge of moving out, mainly to help them grow and learn from the experience of having their own home to take care of, with all of those challenges. At first they got an apartment together, and then after a few years they bought their own home together. They're very good to each other as brothers, and they would rather live together than live in their own separate houses.

Looking back, I think we did okay, and I can see that they're doing well now, but sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for all of us to stay together, in the same house. There was plenty of room for all of us, and I think in some ways that would have also been good, but then they'd be missing out on being able to experience having their own home with all of the challenges that come from needing to be able to pay the bills and taking care of all of the chores, etc. We still help them, though, and they also help us with a lot of things.

[thesometimesaint]

I will NEVER ask my kids to leave, and let them know that if they left it was by their own choosing. They are all grownup and have families of their own(My oldest turns 40 in a few weeks). My kids and Grand-kids all know that if they need it they'll always have a roof over their heads, and food in their stomachs as long as I live. But I do expect them to do all within their abilities to give their own families the same.

[Ahab]

What's the alternative to forbidding freeloading? (aka squatting)

Approving freeloading/squatting. Those are the only 2 choices you have. You either forbid it or you approve of it.

Severing the relationship over the issue?

You don't have to be that drastic. If you've built a good relationship with them usually all you need to do is ask and they'll do all they can do.

"You cannot live here if you don't contribute", sort of argument/stand.

Have a discussion with them to explain why you're doing it. Don't just blurt it out in a soundbite. Explain why you think it's good for them to contribute while considering their means to pay. Explain how things work in this world and why money is sometimes necessary. Tell them you think they should, and you'd like them to start soon. Set a date and be willing to negotiate on that date a little if another time works a little better for them. And be willing to negotiate on the amount you think they should pay too. They need to feel like they can talk to you about any concerns they have while also being able to ask you questions to get good answers from you. You don't want to make it a hostile environment, or a burden for them. If you ask too much they might choose to move out just beause they can find what you're offering for a lot less than what you're asking them to pay. You should already be able to pay all of the bills yourself, so anything they give you should be just extra money. The main thing is to help them to learn to be responsible for themselves and to be self-sufficient as much as they can be, while still appreciating the value of people working toward a goal together.

So the child leaves, is driven out, and possibly that forms a lifelong break with the parents/family. Is that preferable to dealing with the shortcomings of the freeloader on a daily basis, which is understandably a very hard thing to have to do?

It shouldn't be a hard thing for them to do. They might prefer to not have to pay for anything with any money... Heck I would too! ... but in this world, the way things are now, we need money to pay for some things... including food, clothing, and shelter.

Or is maintaining the relationship the core issue? Always, no matter what?

You're always going to have a relationship with them. They're going to be your children no matter what you do or how you treat them.

Are we to be like the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son? The father did not drive the son out, the son left. The father, I am sure, did all he could to keep his freeloading son happy at home as long as possible. The son was not just a freeloader, he was a manipulator and totally selfish. The father always wanted the son back, so that he actually ran to him when he watched the road, as he had done every day since the son's departure, and he saw his son approaching the house. It says that the father hugged and kissed his wayward son. How many of us can feel this way if we compel a freeloading child to leave the home?

If the child chooses to leave, that will be the child's choice. All you're going to be doing is asking the child to contribute to hep pay for expenses and to teach that we must pay, in some way, for what we use when money is required. Not everything is free, at least not in this world, so when money is what it takes to get something then money is what you need to be able to get it. You might want to go over the issue of stealing, too, if you haven't already taught your child not to do that.

I am more convinced every day that we are not supposed to do this. But our culture, which dictates many of the principles upon which "Zion" is to be built, says otherwise. But it only says, "the idler shall not eat the bread of the laborer' (words to that effect), it does not say what to do with the idler, the freeloader, in our midst. Forbidding is mentioned, not what should be done about it. And I am now quite confident that sending them away is not the right thing to do. But what to do with a freeloading grownup child?...

You've almost got me convinced that you have a totally rebellious child who will absolutely refuse to give you any of his money when you have a conversation to ask and explain why you're now asking for some of his money, and not only will the child refuse, but the child will leave your house and go live somewhere else. Who knows, maybe he has somewhere else to go where he doesn't have to pay any money for anything, because people in that world give everything away for free. Just tell him that in the world you live in people need to use money sometimes to pay for things and you now want your child to help contribute to that world you live in. Or maybe you and everyone else in your family can go to where people don't need to use any money for anything.

[pmccombs1]

Hi all: I wonder what your attitude/policy is toward grownup children living at home: do you charge them for the expenses they cause? Do you charge them a weekly, or monthly, "rent"? Or do you think that children staying at home or returning, have a free place to park their lives? This is a very prevalent trend in society today, kids "camping" on their parents. I think you can tell what my attitude is already....

This trend is hard to miss. It's a problem in my family and in my wife's family. I begin to see it in my own children.

I blame it on juvenilization and the extension of childhood which I believe is facilitated by our media and entertainment, by young lives full of ease and contentment, and to some extent by the commoditization of religion and education and the subjugation of these things to popular media.

We have a child approaching the age of legal emancipation and have already made clear our expectations. We will provide shelter and food, but beyond that they may only expect return in proportion to their contribution to the family economy.

[CASteinman]

Having grown children live with parents and grandparents has, from what I can tell, been a norm for a great deal of the history of Europeans.

Sometimes, perhaps when there were great opportunities or great prosperity, this norm has been changed to earlier emancipation. Other times, it has been nearly a life-long practice.

I see nothing unholy or horrible about having children and parents remain together -- and I see a slight bit that is not as good about our modern approach to things.

Edited March 29, 2013 by CASteinman

[Biz]

Just want to commend those who have taken a pragmatic approach to this issue. The economic realty of this day and age makes it one of the hardest periods in the last century for 18-30 year olds to survive with out family assistance in some shape or form. This is becoming more of a Trend or Generational issue because of the actual reality 18-30 yr olds face.

I can sympathize regarding the entitlement issue, but then again almost every generation has said the exact same thing about the next generation.

[Ahab]

We will provide shelter and food, but beyond that they may only expect return in proportion to their contribution to the family economy.

You may want to formulate a guide that works well for all parties while allowing for charity from all in your family.

Your family income is the total income from all in your family, and that will be true whether your children live in the same house with you or in a separate house, since they will still be part of your family. Now that both of my and my wife's children are working for money they're making more than I make by myself (I don't pay my wife with money for her work as a homemaker).

Maybe this would be a bit better: Say to your child/children: I can only do so much on the income I have, but with your contributions we'll be able to do more as a family. I would then ask them how much they can comfortably pitch in to improve the overall quality of life for the whole family while also asking them if they want to stay in yours and your wife's home or have their own house to live in, helping them to figure out the amount of money they would need for that. I'd also explain the benefits/advantages/disadvantages of either choice, and then let them decide. It's usually a lot less expensive for them to live in the same house with their parents who are already paying most if not all of the bills and food, etc, but they might also enjoy having their own house to themselves.

Anyway, I'm just thinking the "return" they get from you and your wife may be far short of the "benefits" you receive from your children, so don't limit it to just what you give them, but also include what they can give to you. My children often give us more than we give to them, especially on holidays such as Christmas, Mother's Day, and Father's Day, just because they have more money to use for those things.

[rpn]

Just below market rate (so they have a reason to move out when they can) or sometimes a percentage of their income if they are willing to trade that for more intrusion in their personal affairs, with a lease (that turns into a day by day one if they break the family standards, because otherwise, in many states, you cannot just evict them when you need the peace back in your home). I've always started with the idea that I'd save the rent and give it to them as a present when they were sufficiently independent to move out (which I don't share with them). But in practice it has mostly gone to pay their damages and left behind bills. Children who are attending college and do not have the resources also get alternate arrangement so long as they want to trade that for me knowing more about their personal affairs.

[pmccombs1]

Having grown children live with parents and grandparents has, from what I can tell, been a norm for a great deal of the history of Europeans.

Sometimes, perhaps when there were great opportunities or great prosperity, this norm has been changed to earlier emancipation. Other times, it has been nearly a life-long practice.

I see nothing unholy or horrible about having children and parents remain together -- and I see a slight bit that is not as good about our modern approach to things.

I agree with this, so long as families work together and children become assets rather than liabilities to the family.

[CASteinman]

I agree with this, so long as families work together and children become assets rather than liabilities to the family.

I suppose you are referring to able bodied and fully functioning children. Some children need more ....

[MorningStar]

My 10-year-old asked if he could live at home longer if he helps pay our mortgage. He's so cute.

[MorningStar]

I think there is a kind way to let your child know in advance what you expect and that it is for their own good to have a good work ethic in and out of the home. If they are adults and able, they should be contributing to the family or going to college. My cousin crashes with my grandma in her one bedroom apartment with her fixed income, doesn't help clean anything, borrows her car, smokes in it, etc. She is too much of softy to tell him no more, so my dad has laid into him. He has spent his life making excuses and feeling sorry for himself because his mom died, which is terribly sad, but my dad offered to pay for college classes for him and he didn't take him up on it. No, he gets some sort of pay off from his whoa is me attitude and doesn't want to be responsible. Guess I shouldn't be surprised since his dad was such an awful role model. I don't know what the heck he thinks he's going to do when Grandma dies.

[Kenngo1969]

... I see nothing unholy or horrible about having children and parents remain together -- and I see a slight bit that is not as good about our modern approach to things.

Ya think?

[ERayR]

My kids either paid rent or all the utilities and food when they were living with me.

Mine were/are expected to contribute in both money and effort.

[ERayR]

My 10-year-old asked if he could live at home longer if he helps pay our mortgage. He's so cute.

Tell him he has to be a full contributor by age 12 otherwise he has to remain a kid for a few more years.

[ERayR]

Having grown children live with parents and grandparents has, from what I can tell, been a norm for a great deal of the history of Europeans.

Sometimes, perhaps when there were great opportunities or great prosperity, this norm has been changed to earlier emancipation. Other times, it has been nearly a life-long practice.

I see nothing unholy or horrible about having children and parents remain together -- and I see a slight bit that is not as good about our modern approach to things.

As long as it remains amicable.

[smac97]

Hi all: I wonder what your attitude/policy is toward grownup children living at home: do you charge them for the expenses they cause? Do you charge them a weekly, or monthly, "rent"? Or do you think that children staying at home or returning, have a free place to park their lives? This is a very prevalent trend in society today, kids "camping" on their parents. I think you can tell what my attitude is already....

I lost my job nine months before I was to start law school. My wife and I had two small children at the time, and the chances of me getting a job knowing ahead of time that I would have to quit in a few months were . . . slim. So I asked my parents if I could move in with them for the months before law school and during the first year. I told them we would then move out. My parents graciously allowed this. We paid for our own food and expenses, but it was a tremendous blessing to not have to pay rent, utilities, etc. At the end of the first year of law school, we prepared to move out. We had three children by this point. My parents, however, were reluctant to part with their grandchildren and their beloved daughter-in-law (they sorta liked me, but it was really about my wife and children), so they asked us to stay. We ended up staying for 3 1/2 years. I graduated with a significantly lower debt load because of it, and I will always be grateful to my parents for that.

-Smac