BYU Tuba Player Scandal Exposed in the Daily News

[Bernard Gui]

Dateline Orem, Utah 1 September 2017

The Salt Lick Tribune, Josh N. Yiu and Turk Steverstoned

On Friday, the website Mormonspringaleaks published a video that it claimed showed BYU student and virtuoso tubaist Gerard Assisi in a heated discussion with Orem police and the manager of the Scera Theater in Orem. It was the third time in two weeks that Assisi had been caught purchasing child tickets instead of adult tickets with his younger brother Yuar's Orem Junior High School activity card at the theater. The video, taken on an iPhone 7 by the theater ticket taker, was shared with Springaleaks.

The Springaleaks release did not attempt to tie Assisi's fraudulent purchases with his suspension from the Cougar Marching Band for unspecified BYU Honor Code Office actions taken against him last year. BYU Marching Band director Orison Sackbut complained that he and his assistants were blind-sided by the loss of their star tuba player just before the big game against bitter rival University of Southern North Carolina. "That was a gigantic blow to our brass section," Sackbut huffed. "We had a pretty decent sophomore euphonium player as backup, but he was sidelined with a canker sore and couldn't suit up." Sackbut was hoping Assisi would be back on the field this year, but there are rumors he may be auditioning for the Disney Mainstreet Parade Marching Band, making him one of the few collegiate tubaists who go straight to the professional music world without completing their degrees..

Apparently, Assisi has a history of conflict with Scera employees. Springaleaks quoted anonymous sources with ties to the Scera theater ticket taker's nephew (who has a roommate that works in the BYU Honor Code Office) who revealed that in late August of 2016 Assisi was convicted of disorderly conduct after entering the Scera with his tuba case packed with candy bars and cans of soda purchased at a nearby Wal-Mart. He distributed them to friends inside the auditorium during a marathon screening of all the Planet of the Apes movies, a clear violation of Scera's concessions policies, and some part of the BYU Honor Code, or something. Police were summoned when the ticket taker noticed an M&M Peanuts wrapper poking out the side of his partially open case during the movie credits. Assisi reportedly pushed the ticket taker away and told her, "Take your stinking paws off my peanuts, you d-mned filthy ape."

Springaleaks founder Sir Eptitious Smudgely, a former Mormon and knighted English TV info-commercial maker, declined to comment, but said he would be revealing more dirt in Sunday's "Daily Mail." The Salt Lick Tribune asked Smudgely why he would publish personal news about an obscure American tuba-playing college student in a British tabloid. "Well, if we didn't reveal it, someone else would. The world needs to hear about this horrible Mormon school in America that imposes ludicrously strict and old-fashioned standards on modern youth. Who better to do that than us? We will get into that on Sunday," Smudgely answered, possibly revealing his true intentions.

None of this escaped the watchful eyes of noted Mormon activist, apologist, and defender S. Heber Young,* owner of Springaleaks' rival website Taekaleaks. "Anyone with half a brain would be able to make the connection between that Scera dustup and last year's Honor Code Office action against Assisi," said Young at a hastily organized press conference under the banyan tree in the BYU botanical gardens. "My staff and I reached out to Springaleaks and the BYU Honor Code Office for their comments, but they have not returned our calls," he said.

Young, a long-time defender of all things related to Honor at BYU, revealed that in retribution for Springaleaks' unethical disclosure of a private matter, Taekaleaks would soon publish its own secret videos taken inside Springaleaks' headquarters hidden under the old Geneva Steel smelter slag distributor in Provo. "Two can play this game," threatened Young. "Old Smudgely won't like what I am going to show. It involves petunias and a Wookie action figure, but that's all I'm saying for now. What's good for a dox is good for a gander," he challenged.

*S. Heber Young, born April 1, 1952, in Hurricane, Utah. Was graduated from BYU-I Magma Dim Sum in 2016 with a degree in Plastic Explosive Surgery.  Mormon activist and Founder of Anti-Anti-Anti-Nephi-Lehi Mormons, Taekaleaks website, and proprietor of the S. Heber Holistic Carpet and Pet Cleaning Services chain in Pleasant Grove. Contact S. Heber at shyhcpcs@gaggle.com for franchise information.

 

 

Edited September 1, 2017 by Bernard Gui

[Darren10]

I tell ya' that the weakest link in any university are the tuba players for its marching band. 

Quote

Springaleaks founder Sir Eptitious Smudgely, a former Mormon and knighted English TV info-commercial maker, declined to comment, but said he would be revealing more dirt in Sunday's "Daily Mail.

Ohhhh, I can't wait. I'm getting goose bumps already waiting in anticipation. 

[Bernard Gui]

32 minutes ago, Darren10 said:

I tell ya' that the weakest link in any university are the tuba players for its marching band. 

Ohhhh, I can't wait. I'm getting goose bumps already waiting in anticipation. 

Costco has a new line of low brass instruments in bulk quantities......they're called threebas.

I wouldn't get my hopes up. S. Heber tells me an anonymous source inside Mormonspringaleaks leaked an email from the "Daily Mail" editor-in-chief saying he doesn't think they meet the "Daily Mail's" ethical standards. Smudgely may have to go to the "New York Times" instead.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Bernard Gui

[Scott Lloyd]

12 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

Dateline Orem, Utah 1 September 2017

The Salt Lick Tribune, Josh N. Yiu and Turk Steverstoned

On Friday, the website Mormonspringaleaks published a video that it claimed showed BYU student and virtuoso tubaist Gerard Assisi in a heated discussion with Orem police and the manager of the Scera Theater in Orem. It was the third time in two weeks that Assisi had been caught purchasing child tickets instead of adult tickets with his younger brother Yuar's Orem Junior High School activity card at the theater. The video, taken on an iPhone 7 by the theater ticket taker, was shared with Springaleaks.

The Springaleaks release did not attempt to tie Assisi's fraudulent purchases with his suspension from the Cougar Marching Band for unspecified BYU Honor Code Office actions taken against him last year. BYU Marching Band director Orison Sackbut complained that he and his assistants were blind-sided by the loss of their star tuba player just before the big game against bitter rival University of Southern North Carolina. "That was a gigantic blow to our brass section," Sackbut huffed. "We had a pretty decent sophomore euphonium player as backup, but he was sidelined with a canker sore and couldn't suit up." Sackbut was hoping Assisi would be back on the field this year, but there are rumors he may be auditioning for the Disney Mainstreet Parade Marching Band, making him one of the few tubaists to go straight to the professional music world without completing college.

Apparently, Assisi has a history of conflict with Scera employees. Springaleaks quoted anonymous sources with ties to the Scera theater ticket taker's nephew (who has a roommate that works in the BYU Honor Code Office) who revealed that in late August of 2016 Assisi was convicted of disorderly conduct after entering the Scera with his tuba case packed with candy bars and cans of soda purchased at a nearby Wal-Mart. He distributed them to friends inside the auditorium during a marathon screening of all the Planet of the Apes movies, a clear violation of Scera's concessions policies, and some part of the BYU Honor Code, or something. Police were summoned when the ticket taker noticed an M&M Peanuts wrapper poking out the side of his partially open case during the movie credits. Assisi reportedly pushed the ticket taker away and told her, "Take your stinking paws off my peanuts, you d-mned filthy ape."

Springaleaks founder Sir Eptitious Smudgely, a former Mormon and knighted English TV info-commercial maker, declined to comment, but said he would be revealing more dirt in Sunday's "Daily Mail." The Salt Lick Tribune asked Smudgely why he would publish personal news about an obscure American tuba-playing college student in a British tabloid. "Well, if we didn't reveal it, someone else would. The world needs to hear about this horrible Mormon school in America that imposes ludicrously strict and old-fashioned standards on modern youth. Who better to do that than us? We will get into that on Sunday," Smudgely answered, possibly revealing his true intentions.

None of this escaped the watchful eyes of noted Mormon activist, apologist, and defender S. Heber Young,* owner of Springaleaks' rival website Taekaleaks. "Anyone with half a brain would be able to make the connection between that Scera dustup and last year's Honor Code Office action against Assisi," said Young at a hastily organized press conference under the banyan tree in the BYU botanical gardens. "My staff and I reached out to Springaleaks and the BYU Honor Code Office for their comments, but they have not returned our calls," he said.

Young, a long-time defender of all things related to Honor at BYU, revealed that in retribution for Springaleaks' unethical disclosure of a private matter, Taekaleaks would soon publish its own secret videos taken inside Springaleaks' headquarters hidden under the old Geneva smelter slag distributor in Provo. "Two can play this game," threatened Young. "Old Smudgely won't like what I am going to show. It involves petunias and a Wookie action figure, but that's all I'm saying for now. What's good for a dox is good for a gander," he challenged.

*S. Heber Young, born April 1, 1952, in Hurricane, Utah. Graduated from BYUI Magma Dim Sum in 2016 with a degree in Plastic Explosive Surgery.  Mormon activist and Founder of Anti-Anti-Anti-Nephi-Lehi Mormons, Taekaleaks website, and proprietor of the S. Heber Holistic Carpet and Pet Cleaning Services chain in Pleasant Grove. Contact S. Heber at shyhcpcs@gaggle.com for franchise information.

 

 

Was it Assisi I saw oom-pah-ing up and down the square in protest when I drove through Orem  the other day?

Edited September 1, 2017 by Scott Lloyd

[Kenngo1969]

Dude,

You should write for The Mormon Onion, aka The Monion.

 

[Bernard Gui]

7 hours ago, Scott Lloyd said:

Was it Assisi I saw oom-pah-ing up and down the square in protest when I drove through Provo the other day?

Could have been. He takes his tuba wherever ever he goes. He has a history of confrontations at airport departure gates.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Bernard Gui

[stemelbow]

My guess is the honor code office was fine to let him play. To think it was all behind them until someone got this video to them.  THey saw the video, thinking it was going to get out more widely and decided to tell him and coach he won't be allowed to play.  My guess is they felt once it got out, if it wasn't already, people would start to complain about BYU's lack of living up to standards, and giving special permission to players stuff. 

In the end, if this scenario is true, which seems reasonable to me, I'd say the Honor Code office over-reacted. 

Cute story in the OP, though.

[Bernard Gui]

2 hours ago, stemelbow said:

My guess is the honor code office was fine to let him play. To think it was all behind them until someone got this video to them.  THey saw the video, thinking it was going to get out more widely and decided to tell him and coach he won't be allowed to play.  My guess is they felt once it got out, if it wasn't already, people would start to complain about BYU's lack of living up to standards, and giving special permission to players stuff. 

In the end, if this scenario is true, which seems reasonable to me, I'd say the Honor Code office over-reacted. 

Cute story in the OP, though.

Well, thanks. I like cute stories. Enforcing behavior codes is tricky business.

S. Heber comes out of his carpet cleaning truck only when really dumb stuff like this about Mormons makes the news.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Bernard Gui

[ERMD]

[Kenngo1969]

4 hours ago, ERMD said:

He decloaks from lurk mode!  Nice to see you, Doc!  

Edited September 1, 2017 by Kenngo1969

[The Nehor]

I always knew the tuba was a soulless instrument.

[ERMD]

2 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

He decloaks from lurk mode!  Nice to see you, Doc!  

Nice to be noticed!

Life has been complicated and busy.  It has been awhile...

 

[Thinking]

No. Words. Wait. One.

Awesome!

[Kenngo1969]

3 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

He decloaks from lurk mode!  Nice to see you, Doc!  

 

53 minutes ago, ERMD said:

Nice to be noticed!

Life has been complicated and busy.  It has been awhile...

 

I have no idea how PMs work since the latest software upgrade, or I would send you one.   Sorry.  I know this isn't something you'd necessarily want to discuss on the public side of the forum, but I know a member of your family had had some health challenges.  I hope everything is well, or is as well as can be expected given whatever circumstances you face, with you and yours.

Best wishes!

[Darren10]

16 hours ago, Bernard Gui said:

Costco has a new line of low brass instruments in bulk quantities......they're called threebas.

I wouldn't get my hopes up. S. Heber tells me an anonymous source inside Mormonspringaleaks leaked an email from the "Daily Mail" editor-in-chief saying he doesn't think they meet the "Daily Mail's" ethical standards. Smudgely may have to go to the "New York Times" instead.

"Smudgely may have to go to the "New York Times" instead." - A perfect outlet for this story.

[Darren10]

I have to begin to seriously think about the possible anti-Mormon nature of certain musical instruments.

Quote

O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

Notice Alma did not say the "tuba of God".

/ Hmmmmmm...........

[Darren10]

And that ain't no tuba.

/ Hmmmmmm..........

Edited September 2, 2017 by Darren10

[ERMD]

1 hour ago, Kenngo1969 said:

 

I have no idea how PMs work since the latest software upgrade, or I would send you one.   Sorry.  I know this isn't something you'd necessarily want to discuss on the public side of the forum, but I know a member of your family had had some health challenges.  I hope everything is well, or is as well as can be expected given whatever circumstances you face, with you and yours.

Best wishes!

So kind of you.  There have been some bumps and detours, but the road is pretty smooth at the moment.  Enjoying the ride.

[Kenngo1969]

7 minutes ago, ERMD said:

So kind of you.  There have been some bumps and detours, but the road is pretty smooth at the moment.  Enjoying the ride.

That's wonderful.  Please tell her that your brother in Christ, Ken, sends his best wishes.  

[strappinglad]

One must be more specific in the details. What kind of tuba was being played? There are 2 main types, the E flat bass ( which I played in the school band) and the BB flat bass or Sousaphone ( which my friend played until, during a parade on a very hot day, he fainted and took out a bunch of the clarinet section ) . Trust me, there would be a marked difference at the airport departure gate.

[ERMD]

14 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

That's wonderful.  Please tell her that your brother in Christ, Ken, sends his best wishes.  

 I will do that.  God bless you, my friend.

 

[Kenngo1969]

Duplicate.

 

 

 

 

Edited September 2, 2017 by Kenngo1969

[Kenngo1969]

21 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

He decloaks from lurk mode!  Nice to see you, Doc!  

 

18 hours ago, ERMD said:

Nice to be noticed!

Life has been complicated and busy.  It has been awhile...

 

 

17 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

 

I have no idea how PMs work since the latest software upgrade, or I would send you one.   Sorry.  I know this isn't something you'd necessarily want to discuss on the public side of the forum, but I know a member of your family had had some health challenges.  I hope everything is well, or is as well as can be expected given whatever circumstances you face, with you and yours.

Best wishes!

 

16 hours ago, ERMD said:

So kind of you.  There have been some bumps and detours, but the road is pretty smooth at the moment.  Enjoying the ride.

 

16 hours ago, Kenngo1969 said:

That's wonderful.  Please tell her that your brother in Christ, Ken, sends his best wishes.  

 

1 hour ago, ERMD said:

 I will do that.  God bless you, my friend.

 

Likewise.  

[katherine the great]

Those naughty zoobies! I am simply shocked.