Bill “Papa” Lee Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 We have seven grandchildren whom we see in Church every Sunday and for Sunday dinner, and sometimes during the week. Every weekend, it is a battle over who gets to stay with Nanny and Papa for sleepovers. Sometimes in an effort to not cause hurt feelings, we allow sleepovers with four or five at a time. When summer break comes there is almost always one or two spending the night with us. They not only love being with us, but we also have a very large piece of property, with a lot of room to play, ride bikes, play with the dogs, etc. The two issues I need advice on, are... 1. My wife (since all but one are girls) ends up sleeping most or all of the night on the couch, while they are camped out in reclining chairs, or sleeping bags on the floor. The little ones under three will only sleep in the middle of our bed between us, kicking us all night while trashing around as all little ones do. For those a little older, my wife will slip back into our room, only to have them want to get into bed and leaving Nanny and Papa sleeping on about 6" of bed, or I give up and go to the couch. So this is one area of advice needed. 2. My oldest daughter has five children, and one of the middle children (she is 11) wants to stay every weekend, and in the summer never wants to go home. We often kid her about how much she must love us, she then tells us she loves us more than anybody, and would live here if we let her. Unfortunately she says things like this in front of her Mother, and asks her Mom and ourselves as to why she can't just live with us? This of course hurts her Mom's feelings, and then she (the 11 year old) gets her feelings hurt when we tell her, she should not say this around her Mother. I think as a middle child she just enjoys the individual attention she gets when staying with us, but at times it can get really contentious when my daughter tells her (especially in the summer) that she has stayed long enough. It is very flattering to have her and the others babies wanting to stay with us, but not at the expense of hurting our children. Also, it wears very hard on my wife having to sleep on the couch, or one or both of us being run out of our own bed. So, I need advice here from grandparents, or any who think they can help. Thought?
Popular Post Jane_Doe Posted May 3, 2017 Popular Post Posted May 3, 2017 Boundaries. When you raised your kids, you had boundaries: my bed belongs to me. You have to go to sleep at bedtime. And things like that. These are basic and foundational to parenting and yes, grandparenting too (granted the grandkids are always cuter than their parents were). Decide your boundaries and stick with them. That includes that your bed, nights to yourself, etc. 6
Popular Post bluebell Posted May 3, 2017 Popular Post Posted May 3, 2017 Hmmm..... 1)-With the littles there's probably not much you can do but with the older kids i'd set some ground rules where if they want to sleep over, they have to sleep in their own spaces, no getting into bed with you guys, etc. 2)-you could set specific dates (or how many days a month) she is allowed to stay over that you could work out with her mother in advance and stick to it (you'd have to do this with all the grandkids probably to make sure everyone had the same opportunities and no one felt left out). Then she knows exactly when she can come and also when she has to go. If she gets mad or throws a fit then she can't come the next time it's her turn. How awesome that your grandkids love to be over so much! 5
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 43 minutes ago, bluebell said: Hmmm..... 1)-With the littles there's probably not much you can do but with the older kids i'd set some ground rules where if they want to sleep over, they have to sleep in their own spaces, no getting into bed with you guys, etc. 2)-you could set specific dates (or how many days a month) she is allowed to stay over that you could work out with her mother in advance and stick to it (you'd have to do this with all the grandkids probably to make sure everyone had the same opportunities and no one felt left out). Then she knows exactly when she can come and also when she has to go. If she gets mad or throws a fit then she can't come the next time it's her turn. How awesome that your grandkids love to be over so much! It is wonderful to be loved so unconditionally. As for a the two are three year old's. Having a little child sleeping in the middle because they love us so much, is better than sleeping pills...until the kicking starts, then my back just can't take it. Sometimes they will wake up and find us gone and then find us, and a recliner or couch is even smaller. The two little ones at home, just move from bed to bed (as I am told) going from crib to Mom and Dad's bed, to big sister's bed and then make the rounds all night. We once tried locking our door after the little ones got to sleep, when they found the door locked they were so scared it let to a meltdown, screaming, hitting and kicking the door. They thought they we all alone. But, indeed...this is why I called it our "wonderful situation". School is still in, so Sunday night, one of our granddaughters replied, when we asked; don't you get tired of seeing us so much? Her reply was simple, "Oh no, I will never get tired of you (then pointed at her three year old brother) him one the other hand, yes".
Glenn101 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Most of them will outgrow this and you will gradually be weaned away, if you live long enough. With all of those grandchildren I don't know. As you have noted, you do have a wonderful situation, with caveats. But co-ordinating with the parents to limit the overnight visits would help. But it is so difficult to do even that, limit a child's time with you who is revelling in the unconditional and maybe more uncritical love of some really wonderful grandparents. It is really all your fault you know. If you were a meanie, problem solved, but I don't think that is something you could do. Guess I didn't help much. Glenn 1
bluebell Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 What about setting up cots on the side of the bed within touching distance? 3
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 44 minutes ago, Glenn101 said: .If you were a meanie, problem solved, but I don't think that is something you could do. Guess I didn't help much. Glenn I try to be a meanie, but I just can't pull it off...little ones have a way to see into your soul. Also, as a Papa, it is my solemn duty to spoil them, least I being upon myself the "rath of God". Also, I take my spoiling responsibility very seriously, it's what I do. Especially when their Mommy is trying to get in the way of that mandate from Heaven about to spoil then and "then" send them home. 2
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 51 minutes ago, bluebell said: What about setting up cots on the side of the bed within touching distance? Now that is a great idea...we have padding to out under the sleeping bags. That was very good indeed, so come this weekend that will be the plan...Thank you, you are wise beyond your years. At least this way if they insist on getting on the bed, I can easily trade places. Wish I could give more than one rep point for this. 1
Tacenda Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, bluebell said: What about setting up cots on the side of the bed within touching distance? This is what I have done. I put my two grandsons to the side of me on the floor and put down a foam pad, pillows and blankets. The oldest grandson use to sleep with us, one night he had an accident and it was not fun having to change our clothes, his clothes, bedding etc. And the kicks in the face, now he's twelve! Pa Pa, you are very lucky to have so much love from these kiddos! It's probably hard to say no for sure. ETA: I've also let them use my Kindle to watch some movies etc. which helps if the younger one is missing his momma, he's a big momma's boy. Edited May 3, 2017 by Tacenda 2
Rain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 5 hours ago, Jane_Doe said: Boundaries. When you raised your kids, you had boundaries: my bed belongs to me. You have to go to sleep at bedtime. And things like that. These are basic and foundational to parenting and yes, grandparenting too (granted the grandkids are always cuter than their parents were). Decide your boundaries and stick with them. That includes that your bed, nights to yourself, etc. I'm out of rep points so here is one.
Rain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 When my children were young, if they were afraid in the night they could hug us and then sleep on the floor by our bed. If after awhile they were ok we sent them back to bed. This worked well for all of us. Now here in AZ it wouldn't work as well, because we have tile instead of carpet, but the foam pad would work. Assuming there is no other concerns with the one grand daughter I would just set something up with the grandkids. They get 3, 5, 10 whatever coupons. If they had a coupon they could come. The health of you and your wife is important. If you are not getting enough sleep you won't be the best grandparents. Like Jane was saying, set up some boundaries, whatever allows you to sleep well. You all will enjoy your time better together. 1
rpn Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Anyone who cannot sleep in one's own space is too little to sleep over with grandparents. (It would help if you set up a sleeping arrangement in your home that isn't in chairs --- that doesn't make for a really good nights sleep (though for a real little, they might fit in a chair laid out). (If they are doing this same thing at home, then they should fix it before sleeping again at grandparents. Have you asked them why they do this? Would a motion sensored night light allow them to go to the bathroom and get back to their bed?) "Grandpa and grandma aren't as flexible as you are. We have talked this over with your parents. When you are old enough to sleep in your sleeping bag all night without getting scared or otherwise needing to get into grandparents bed, you can each come sleep over at our house in your own bed one day in the week of your birthday, and one day in April if you have done your personal best in school the third quarter, one day in June for the fourth quarter, one day in August if you went to summer school, one day in October, and December. If your parents report stellar attention to your family obligations during any week, we will let you stay one day overnight at the end of the month, on the day we give you. We are going to schedule one Grandparents Day Camp week for ___________ and another for _________ (different sex, or age or another distinguishing demographic --- I like it when various ages come because they can be useful to each other, but this only works if everyone who is there will fully participate and if they go home so grandparents can get necessary rest) in June/July. For five consecutive days you will be making and doing things on a specific theme. And you are welcome to come over and play as much as you want and your parents approve on any other weekday, with you returning home for supper at 5:30 PM." Set up a plan and a schedule. Once a month sleep overs and maybe special occasions. The rest of the time they can come over, but most of the time they should be home for supper. Some grandparent visits should be just for fun. But others can obviously be incentive for the 11 year old, and maybe others. Don't make this in a "you're not nice to mommy thing". It isn't unkind to express one's preferences or even to have them (though it might be rude or manipulative to do it in front of the person they are trashtalking). Try asking the kiddo what the problem is and what she's done to solve it at home. Tell her that you won't be part of getting back at her mom. Help her figure out a way to feel better at home. And make sure she understands that the function of grandparents is different from the function of parents and that if she moved in with you, you'd probably be doing exactly what her mother does, because you would then be parenting her while you are now grandparenting her. In your place, I wouldn't be driving them to and fro on other days if they were old enough to ride bikes and the terrain accommodated bike riding or walking (2-3 miles older than 8 who is aware of surroundings and not inclined to fall apart rather than problem solve), either. 3
Guest Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 19 minutes ago, rpn said: Anyone who cannot sleep in one's own space is too little to sleep over with grandparents. (It would help if you set up a sleeping arrangement in your home that isn't in chairs --- that doesn't make for a really good nights sleep (though for a real little, they might fit in a chair laid out). (If they are doing this same thing at home, then they should fix it before sleeping again at grandparents. Have you asked them why they do this? Would a motion sensored night light allow them to go to the bathroom and get back to their bed?) We have really nice furniture with three recliners that will go all the way back making beds big enough, and we keep dim lighting on for them. The older girls don't come to get in bed with us, just the toddlers. But that is still like sleeping with a hurricane. As for the 11 year old, it is not just attention, we live out in the country and our neighbors have lots of animals...and she loves every animal, even bugs. Our oldest granddaughter is now 13, so spending the night is what little kids do (to quote her), although at least once a month she does. I kid her and ask her, are you grown up or a little kid today, she laughs and says, "I guess today, I am a little kid". Or when the little ones want to stay, she will tell us she is staying to help out, you know when you find yourself caught between wanting to grow up and wanting the attention of be a little one. But, thank you, all good advice.
bluebell Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 11 hours ago, Rain said: When my children were young, if they were afraid in the night they could hug us and then sleep on the floor by our bed. If after awhile they were ok we sent them back to bed. This worked well for all of us. Now here in AZ it wouldn't work as well, because we have tile instead of carpet, but the foam pad would work. Assuming there is no other concerns with the one grand daughter I would just set something up with the grandkids. They get 3, 5, 10 whatever coupons. If they had a coupon they could come. The health of you and your wife is important. If you are not getting enough sleep you won't be the best grandparents. Like Jane was saying, set up some boundaries, whatever allows you to sleep well. You all will enjoy your time better together. We've been really strict about our bed as well. No sleeping with us unless they were really sick and I was concerned for their safety (such as with breathing issues). I need the break from parenting at night and hubby and i's relationship definitely need a space that is ours alone too. 1
Rain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 3 hours ago, bluebell said: We've been really strict about our bed as well. No sleeping with us unless they were really sick and I was concerned for their safety (such as with breathing issues). I need the break from parenting at night and hubby and i's relationship definitely need a space that is ours alone too. Yes, things changed when they were really sick. Fortunately that has only been a problem with one of our kids when he had RSV. I really feel for the parents who deal with this on an ongoing basis.
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