Jump to content

How Would You React If Your Spouse Decided To Leave The Church?


Saints Alive

Recommended Posts

I would have the Danites steal them away in the night and dispose of them. That way my other wives wouldn't get any ideas.

---

A marriage where the two spouses are unequally yoked (or have serious differences in their belief systems) probably has other underlying issues other than the choice of what religion to follow. In all seriousness this would be a huge burden for any marriage to overcome. My own reaction would be to explore and discuss the reasons for the decision with my spouse. I would have a very hard time if we weren't united in our big decisions like this. The sealing wouldn't make much difference to me as I know it is of no effect without my faith and living up to the covenants involved.

In my marriage most big decisions are made with the two of us and the Lord. When we aren't united we go back and pray again until we find a mutually agreeable answer from God's counsel. (That is when we aren't being pig headed and arguing too much to pray.)

I think one of my children may have just dodged a bullet when the person they were courting decided they liked partying too much to be a Mormon. Better they find out now than after marriage. This is a tough situation. I hope you are just asking hypotheticals and not experiencing this difficulty in your own relationship.

Link to comment

I would learn to live with my decisions in life.

I would learn that beauty is only skin deep.

I would learn patience and forgiveness.

I would learn that the priesthood is exercised with gentleness and persuasion.

Edited by cdowis
Link to comment

I agree that one's relationship with their spouse is multi-faceted. Our spiritual life does play a big role in our relationship; it binds us more fully; it brings us joy and units our thinking. If she chose to leave the Church I expect that would stress our relationship in that it would limit how much we could share together. I would also agree that if one spouse decides to leave the Church that there are probably additional stressors on the relationship.

Would this fact cause me to consider divorcing her? No. Divorce is a viable option only under a very narrow set of circumstances, which as of today I cannot think of any. I understand that others believe in a wider range of reasons and that is their right. However, for me, I have never considered divorce as an option in our relationship. I do think we would have to work that much harder on maintaining a good relationship without our shared spiritual commitment, but that is just a challenge, not a death knell.

Good question.

Link to comment

Leaving the LDS Church brought my spouse and I closer together. It was a decision we made together and that probably kept the decision from impacting our marriage negatively. It would have been a very difficult thing to do seperately (from a marriage and family standpoint).

I'm very happy for my friends who find happiness in the LDS Church but it didn't work that way for me. My family and I are happier outside the Church.

Link to comment

Leaving the LDS Church brought my spouse and I closer together. It was a decision we made together and that probably kept the decision from impacting our marriage negatively. It would have been a very difficult thing to do seperately (from a marriage and family standpoint).

I'm very happy for my friends who find happiness in the LDS Church but it didn't work that way for me. My family and I are happier outside the Church.

What do you do with your spare time?

Link to comment

What do you do with your spare time?

I have taken some courses at the local university. I volunteer with united way, spend additional time with my family, volunteer with the parent council at my children's school.

Edited by sjdawg
Link to comment

How would you react if your spouse decided to leave the Church? Would it be different if you were not sealed? Would you get a divorce or stay in the marriage? What if he/she insisted you leave the Church as well?

1) I don't think one can know for sure until fced with it. It would certainly call for some serious evaluation. If young children were involved then ones options woul be much more limited.

2) NO.

3) See #1

4) No one has the right to make that demand anymore than one has the right to demand another to stay. Each must have the agency to choose for themselves. They may make that a condition to stay married then you must decide that issue.

Link to comment

It would be a very difficult trial to keep my own covenants, particularly when my disaffected spouse refused to honor my agency to continue to believe and live the Gospel and teach it to our children. But there are only a few reasons that MAY make divorce an option, and apostasy isn't one of them. God doesn't stop loving us because we reject Him (in a single circumstance, or many). We don't get to say that because we don't like how our spouse's exercise their agency (assuming they don't do it in ways that involve abuse or adultery), we are going to throw them away and get someone who believes like we do.

So I supposed, I'd get a firm testimony about the essence of gospel doctrine and lots more opportunity to learn patience and negotiation, and unconditional love.

For those who may be in this struggle, there is a website for faithful spouses who are trying to keep marriages together when a spouse leaves the church. faceseast.org

Edited by rpn
Link to comment

It would require such a significant change in his world outlook I find it impossible to,predict as there would have to be other aspects of his life that had this level of change in it as well. Change of faith would not automatically equal divorce for me though, far from it.

Link to comment

1. How would you react if your spouse decided to leave the Church?

I am pretty certain that there would be some type of knowledge of this possibly happening leading up to the final 'leaving'. So I would hope that my marriage would be strong enough to discuss the issues along the way so that if my spouse did finally leave, it wouldn't be a surprise and feel like some type of odd rejection to my beliefs or our shared beliefs.

2. Would it be different if you were not sealed?

I don't think the sealing would make much difference. I do believe having been to the temple though might make a difference as since my husband has been going to the temple for years and has knowledge it would be harder to have him back out without it hurting my own testimony greatly.

3. Would you get a divorce or stay in the marriage? I would not divorce my spouse because they left the Church. That isn't a good enough reason. I could understand it being a starting point for things going badly, but my husband's faith is only part of why I love him and married him. He is a good man, whether in or out of the Church.

4. What if he/she insisted you leave the Church as well? That would cause some problems, but honestly I can't really visualize this, even if my husband hated the Church for some reason, he has enough respect and love to let me choose my own path. I can't image him insisting that I do much in my life. He might try to persuade or request, but he doesn't insist with anything. He knows I am my own person and he also probably knows that if you try to force me, I will just fight back harder....even if what he was trying to force were a good thing.

Link to comment

I guess I wouldn't know where she came from, but not being able to spend eternity with her now I know where she will be going! Divorce court!

Even though this is against church teachings and you may end up losing your own temple worthiness?

Link to comment

Getting a divorce causes you to lose your temple worthiness?

Saints Alive, if I may clairify calmoriah's statement a bit. Certainly if it were against the Church's doctrine (there is none) I would have CFR'd Ms. calmoriah immediately. What she may be refering to is the difference between Doctrine and Priesthood Council. There is a great thread in I believe General Discussions by Cinpro on this. There is no person of Authority in the LDS church that would cause you to lose your Temple worthingess should you choose to leave/divorce your Temple mate. They would simply encourage you or "Council" you to stay with, forgive and work with one's wayward spouse in an effort to salvage the Temple marriage and sealing. The same way the I.R.S. takes a Civil matter and turns it into a Criminal Matter. Since Taxes are voluntary, one shouldn't have to pay them. When the filings are not filed and sent the I.R.S. has a way of turning the matter in to their Criminal Codes. Like the Church, with no Doctrine they simply instruct the LDS church leadership to follow their council in as mentioned about, working through the problems. Like any case, there are extremes and simple cases. If one were to find out his/her spouse was using Drugs and sleeping with half of the male office staff, wasn't and refused to come home some nights, refused to counsil or meet with Church leaders, neglecting his/her spouse/Children, I can't imagine anyone losing their Temple Worthiness in an effort to move on, divorce and find a more stable, eternal mate. It simply doesn't happen. Have I heard of such cases? Sure! The handsome college couple, who entered into the temple vows with hopes and dreams and goals only to have the wife let herself go, put on 200 lbs., and after two years of working with, purchasing fitness memberships, diet programs, etc, etc, the wife simply told him that this is what he signed up for! Like it and live with it! Yes, he was counciled by his Priesthood authority to not leave his wife and sever the sealing but he did. Nothing happened to him! I have never heard of this happening anywhere! I do know, that if a wife commits adultery and divorces, she must have written permission from her ex-spouse to remarry in the Temple with another. Anyone else know about this? We all love calmoriah's zealous efforts to be the athoritarian on a lot of the subjects and threads in here. Being new in here, it appears seniority has it's priviledges. I'm sure this is a simple case of obiter dicta or cogito ergo sum or simply deus ex machina. Either way, nor harm no foul! Anyone else have any experiences in this matter?

Link to comment

I know of a bishop who informed a young man that he would pull his temple recommend if he chose to divorce his nonMormon wife for the sole reason she was a non Mormon and he wanted a temple marriage. It would have been a violation of the covenants he made in his marriage and temple covenants including inappropriate treatment of a family member.

Thankfully the young man reconsidered and the couple is happily married still.

So yes, according to the few bishops I have discussed this with, a bishop can pull a temple recommend in a divorce if the person is doing it because he is selfishly only considering his own benefit and not the hardship it may cause the spouse. The temple recommend questions make this clear IMO. Divorce is second only to death of a spouse in its tragic consequences for those involved, add that to how the LDS faith teaches about the sanctity of marriage....

An individual whose spouse loses faith is not in jeopardy of losing his or her own exaltation, there is no reason to divorce if that is the sole reason to consider it and this is what my bishop friends have reassured troubled spouses in this situation who have sought counseling. However, I have yet to see in real life a situation where that was the sole reason for an actual divorce, there were always other, more serious---in an immediate sense if not an eternal one---issues in the relationship though I have seen a few such situations reported online but only from the POV of the individual who lost faith, not the one making the choice.

Edited by calmoriah
Link to comment

CFR on written permission by the ex-husband in the case of a wife committing adultery (as opposed to input which is what I have been told is what is sought and considered but is hardly the final word.....it even can sometimes be waived if the ex cannot be found). You seem to suggest that this is not the same for man who commits adultery or did you mean permission is required in both cases, but just referenced one as an example?

OTOH if a couple stays married even if one is excommunicated, if the other spouse remains faithful when the wayward one repents and is rebaptized, the faithful spouse's opinion will play a huge role on the timing of the restoration of blessings. I know of one case where the delay was two years before the spouse decided it was time, that he had fulfilled his repentance and was ready to take on the responsibility of membership again.

Edited by calmoriah
Link to comment

Getting a divorce causes you to lose your temple worthiness?

Just to be clear, it depends on the case and the judgement of the Bishop. In some cases it can, others not. There are a few situations that are automatic, but these are not directly linked to divorce but something that might cause a divorce.

LDS.org has a great section on divorce and its seriousness and how it can be avoided.

Link to comment

CFR on written permission by the ex-husband in the case of a wife committing adultery (as opposed to input). You seem to suggest that this is not the same for man who commits adultery or did you mean permission is required in both cases, but just referenced one as an example?

I wrote:

I do know, that if a wife commits adultery and divorces, she must have written permission from her ex-spouse to remarry in the Temple with another. Anyone else know about this?

This is first hand through witnessed experience. It was explained that because the wife was unfaithful, committed Adultery and the Temple Marriage ended in divorce, that when she remarried, she told me personally that she had to get written permission from him because (A) she committed the sin (B) he held the Priesthood. It may have been written permission to desolve the sealing I don't remember. That is why I asked if anyone else could help out on this. I am no authority on the subject. I know there are several Bishops and ex-Bishops in here that would know!

You Wrote:

I know of a bishop who informed a young man that he would pull his temple recommend if he chose to divorce his nonMormon wife for the sole reason she was a non Mormon and he wanted a temple marriage. It would have been a violation of the covenants he made in his marriage and temple covenants including inappropriate treatment of a family member.

I cannot believe for one Minute a Prieshood holder in Authority would threaten anyone with anything, let alone if he was leaving his wife. As you in dicated, for the sole reason she was non-Mormon, then you indicated that it included inappropriate teatment of a family memeber. I'm understanding your saying a Bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is going to stiffel the eternal Progression of a worthy Temple Recommend holder, by pulling his/her recommend, over something he has no control over? No one can force another to stay married against their will. They are instructed by the General Authorities to Council them into reconcilliation. Now, if the spouse proceeds with an un-Humble, un-Christlike attitude and unlike my example didn't try everything attitude perhaps diciplinary action can be taken. That I don't know! No one can force another to stay married to anyone by threats or otherwise. I would like to continue this further but will be out of town until late tomorrow night! Thanks for the discussion so far.

Link to comment

Just to be clear, it depends on the case and the judgement of the Bishop. In some cases it can, others not. There are a few situations that are automatic, but these are not directly linked to divorce but something that might cause a divorce.

LDS.org has a great section on divorce and its seriousness and how it can be avoided.

Just to be clear, it depends on the case and the judgement of the Bishop. In some cases it can, others not. There are a few situations that are automatic, but these are not directly linked to divorce but something that might cause a divorce.

LDS.org has a great section on divorce and its seriousness and how it can be avoided.

Help me out here, calmoriah, you just defended my argument with this statement. No?

Link to comment

Help me out here, calmoriah, you just defended my argument with this statement. No?

No if you are claiming that it is okay to divorce a spouse solely over a change of faith and no if you are claiming that under no circumstances would a bishop decide to pull someone's temple recommend who so chooses....it may be unlikely, but I know of one case where the bishop was serious about it or at least the young man so informed it would happen to him believed so. The CHI says a recommend can be pulled for a serious transgression and I believe the desertion of a loving and chaste wife could qualify.

It is certainly in an individual's control whether or not to choose to get divorced because his spouse is of a different faith or has changed faiths after marriage even if he has no control over the other's change of faith.

We are counseled to choose to marry those of our faith to avoid these stations as much as possible, but once we've made that covenant of marriage a different set of rules apply.

Do you suggest that a parent disown a child if that child loses her faith? Considering how much closer the relationship is to be between a husband and wife (one flesh), why would anyone assume it would be any more acceptable to 'disown' a spouse.

Is there any counsel in the scriptures or on LDS.org that we should divorce our spouses over differences of faith? Haven't seen any myself, have seen much counsel stating that if a couple approaches their issues with love and unselfishness, they can make it work (obviously both have to not only be sincere about doing this, but also capable of it.)

Edited by calmoriah
Link to comment
This is first hand through witnessed experience...... It may have been written permission to desolve the sealing I don't remember.
it is certainly possible that it was required in the past or for a specific situation as part of the repentance process, but there is no mention of this in the CHI 1 where it deals with the process.
I cannot believe for one Minute a Prieshood holder in Authority would threaten anyone with anything, let alone if he was leaving his wife.
You don't think a bishop would threaten to pull a recommend if a man came in and said he was leaving his wife for another woman? When has a bishop not pulled a recommend if this happens?
I'm understanding your saying a Bishop i the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is going to stiffel the eternal Progression of a worthy Temple Recommend holder, by pulling his/her recommend, over something he has no control over?.
See above. Edited by calmoriah
Link to comment
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...